by John Friel
Some alcoholics are terribly irresponsible, some are constant rescuers, and some are constantly being victimized, but we believe that most alcoholics are co-dependent underneath it all.
Co-dependency Roots
In considering biochemical and genetic theories of addiction, we do not deny that some alcoholism, some depression, some obesity, etc., is genetically caused. But we would qualify this and say that a person who is genetically predisposed to become alcoholic will have a much greater chance of actually becoming alcoholic if he or she has a deep foundation of codependency learned from their family of origin. Likewise, this addict will be much less likely to achieve quality sobriety as long as the underlying co-dependency is left untreated.
Delving deeper into the iceberg in Figure 16.1, we see that the roots of our co-dependency are guilt, shame, and fear of abandonment (inability to trust), which correspond to Erikson’s first three psychosocial crises.
The guilt accounts for our inability to make decisions, to get “unstuck” and to take our own needs into account. It is this guilt that keeps us protecting our family of origin and unable to protect ourselves at the level closest to the surface of ourselves.
Figure 16.1. Unifying Model of
Co-dependency and Addictions
The shame represents our inability to be separate, to stand alone, to enjoy being alone, to be interdependent with others and to feel good about ourselves. It represents our feelings of being broken and defective—that we don’t make mistakes, we are mistakes. The fear of abandonment is at the very core of our being. If we are co-dependent, it means that at a deep, unconscious level, we believe that we do not have the right to exist, to live or to survive. It is there because either literally and overtly, or metaphorically and covertly, we were abandoned or neglected over and over again in our childhoods, until our trust was so eroded that we couldn’t trust anyone.
Is Co-dependency Universal?
Given our definition, it is not true that almost everyone is co-dependent? Is it not true that almost everyone had some form of dysfunction in their childhood that could lead to co-dependent symptoms? And if everyone has “it,” does it not lose its conceptual and diagnostic meaning? We think not, for the same reasons that “depression” has not lost its meaning despite the fact that everyone has “it” sometimes. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-III-R) always describes symptoms, but asks us to look at length and severity of symptoms, as well as total number of symptoms, before we make a definite diagnosis. The same should be true with co-dependency. Just because everyone has some co-dependent behavior does not mean that the concept is therefore useless.
One of the major criticisms of “co-dependency,” at least in Minnesota, is that it is discriminatory toward women because our culture encourages women to practice some co-dependent behaviors as part of their “normal” female role. Our definition and model of co-dependency does not fall into this trap, we believe, because it is neither “male” nor “female” in bias. It implies that too much focus on others is unhealthy, as is too little focus on others. It allows for separate male and female identities and, like recent models of psychological androgyny, presumes that the healthiest of us are able to apply both male and female traits where and when appropriate. It also implies that victim behavior is unhealthy whether in a man or woman, as is offender behavior or rescuer behavior. Thus, it avoids what we believe has become a dangerous and false dichotomy, and a misleading stereotype, of the “abusive-offender-male-addict-married-to-the-overly- responsible-saint-of-a-Mom-co-dependent-victim-rescuer.”
In other words, we see co-dependency resulting from abuse and neglect in childhood. Some co-dependents later go on to medicate the pain of their co-dependency by becoming alcoholic or drug addicted. Others handle that pain by becoming saints or martyrs. Others become workaholic, compulsive housecleaners, addicted to their children, to television, to relationships, etc. Some manipulate, some are manipulated, and most do both in cycles.
Treatment Implications
Our model also has some clear implications for treatment. We generally agree with the need to treat the overt addiction first because it is that addiction which prevents us from having our feelings and from admitting our underlying co-dependency.
If it is a relationship addiction, we need to stop practicing the relationship, just as we would have to stop using chemicals in the case of a chemical addiction. So primary treatment of the major surface symptom should come first.
The next step in recovery is to identify the underlying co-dependency issues. These will be primary issues of identity and identity formation, which ultimately require that one goes deep inside oneself, one’s past and one’s family of origin to deal with the issues of guilt, shame and fear of abandonment. This is an intrapsychic as well as a family systems task, and it cannot be done overnight in a 30-day treatment program for co-dependency. It can be begun in such a program, but requires a recovery process of 12-step support in A.A., Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics or Co-dependents Anonymous. Individual psychotherapy is needed, plus intensive group psychotherapy for shame reduction.
As far as recovery is concerned, a good gauge of how well we are doing is to notice when we stop saying, “How long will it take before I recover from this pain?” The less we say this, the closer we are getting to recovery. Because healthy life, we feel, is pain and joy and sadness and anger and confusion and happiness and loneliness and warmth and closeness and . . . Recovery means reaching deep inside to that wounded child so that he or she can begin to heal from the inside out. And that usually takes years, and is worth every minute of it.
Assessing Co-dependency
To help in identifying the issues of Adult Children and co-dependency discussed thus far, we designed an inventory that we have been using for the past five years, both in research and clinical work. We also find that it is a useful tool for people to begin identifying for themselves the problems that they need to work on.
The Friel Adult Child/Co-dependency Inventory (Friel, 1985) is based on our developmental framework and includes many of the core symptoms which we believe define co-dependency. If you decide to answer the questions in the Inventory, we ask (1) that you answer as honestly as you can, with as much of your own denial put aside as is possible for you at this time; and (2) that you fill it out alone and don’t feel that you have to share the results with anyone but yourself. It is very important that you begin focusing on yourself without worrying that anyone else is going to “find you out” or shame you.
To score the inventory, give yourself 1 point for every “true” response to all of the even-numbered items; and give yourself 1 point for every “false” response to the odd-numbered items. You can have a possible total score of 60.
In our research thus far, we have found scores from 10 to 20 to indicate mild co-dependency/adult child concerns; scores from 21 to 30 to be in the mild-moderate range; 31 to 45 to be moderate-severe and over 45 to be severe. Rather than keeping score, though, we suggest again that you use this inventory as a means for self-exploration. And as we will discuss in the next chapter, we invite you to arrange for a one-session evaluation with a professional if you feel that you have some of these issues interfering with your happiness and sense of well-being.
Friel Adult Child/Co-dependency Assessment Inventory
1. I make enough time to do things just for myself each week.
2. I spend lots of time criticizing myself after an interaction with someone.
3. I would not be embarrassed if people knew certain things about me.
4. Sometimes I feel like I just waste a lot of time and don’t get anywhere.
5. I take good enough care of myself.
6. It is usually best not to tell someone they bother you; it only causes fights and gets everyone upset.
7. I am happy about the way my family communicated when I was growing up.
8. Sometimes I don’t know how I really feel.
9. I am very satisfied with my intimate love life.
10. I’ve been feeling tired lately.
11. When I was growing up, my family liked to talk openly about problems.
12. I often look happy when I am sad or angry.
13. I am satisfied with the number and kind of relationships I have in my life.
14. Even if I had the time and money to do it, I would feel uncomfortable taking a vacation by myself.
15. I have enough help with everything that I must do each day.
16. I wish that I could accomplish a lot more than i do now.
17. My family taught me to express answers. Take each question as it comes and feelings and affection openly when I was growing up.
18. It is hard for me to talk to someone in authority (boss, teachers, etc.).
19. When I am In a relationship that becomes too confusing and complicated, I have no trouble getting out of it.
20. I sometimes feel pretty confused about who I am and where I want to go with my life.
21. I am satisfied with the way that I take care of my own needs.
22. I am not satisfied with my career.
23. I usually handle my problems calmly and directly.
24. I hold back my feelings much of the time because I don’t want to hurt other people or have them think less of me.
25. I don’t feel like I’m “in a rut” very often.
26. I am not satisfied with my friendships.
27. When someone hurts my feelings or does something that I don’t like, I have little difficulty telling them about it.
28. When a close friend or relative asks for my help more than I’d like, I usually say “yes” anyway.
29. I love to face new problems and am good at finding solutions to them
30. I do not feel good about my childhood.
31. I am not concerned about my health a lot.
32. I often feel like no one really knows me.
33. I feel calm and peaceful most of the time.
34. I find it difficult to ask for what I want.
35. I don’t let people take advantage of me more than I’d like.
36. I am dissatisfied with at least one of my close relationships.
37. I make major decisions quite easily.
38. I don’t trust myself in new situations as much as I’d like.
39. I am very good at knowing when to speak up and when to go along with others’ wishes.
40. I wish I had more time away from my work.
41. I am as spontaneous as I’d like to be.
42. Being alone is a problem for me.
43. When someone I love is bothering me, I have no problem telling them so.
44. I often have so many things going on at once that I’m really not doing justice to any one of them.
45. I am very comfortable letting others into my life and revealing “the real me” to them.
46. I apologize to others too much for what I do or say.
47. I have no problem telling people when I am angry with them.
48. There’s so much to do and not enough time. Sometimes I’d like to leave it all behind me.
49. I have few regrets about what I have done with my life.
50. I tend to think of others more than I do of myself.
51. More often than not, my life has gone the way that I wanted it to.
52. People admire me because I’m so understanding of others, even when they do something that annoys me.
53. I am comfortable with my own sexuality.
54. I sometimes feel embarrassed by behaviors of those close to me.
55. The important people in my life know “the real me,” and I am okay with them knowing.
56. I do my share of work, and often do quite a bit more.
57. I do not feel that everything would fall apart without my efforts and attention.
58. I do too much for other people and then later wonder why I did so.
59. I am happy about the way my family coped with problems when I was growing up.
60. I wish that I had more people to do things with.
Part V
Recovering: What
Do I Do Now?
The man of true greatness never loses his child’s heart.
Mencius: Discourses, IV, Circa 300 B.C.
17
Uncovering
and Admitting
We remember the days before Kenneth Cooper developed his well-known point system for figuring out how much aerobic exercise we get for jogging, swimming and what not (Cooper, 1970). It was great. We could go out on a cool Sunday afternoon in the autumn, run around the block a few times until we worked up a sweat and felt winded, and then return to the comfort of our cozy homes assured that we were doing our bodies wonders by our Herculean efforts. We even bragged about it the next day at work.
“Boy, I feel great! Ran a couple of miles yesterday!” Our colleagues would shake their heads in wonder and chalk it up to second childhood or the onset of early senescence.
But in his sincere and well intentioned way, Kenneth Cooper changed all that. All of a sudden there was an easy-to-understand, foolproof way to determine how much cardiovascular benefit we were really getting from those jogs around the block. A certain number of points for running a mile in eight minutes, and a certain number of points needed each week to maintain good cardiovascular fitness. No ifs, ands or buts.
In confidence, we got in our cars and measured how far we’d been running. Surprise! “Nine tenths of a mile?” we cried in disbelief. “Hell, there must be something wrong with this damned odometer. I’ll measure it with the other car.” Nine-tenths of a mile it is. “Okay. I’m game. I’ll measure out one honest mile and then I’ll time myself. I just know I’m in good shape!”
The next day we ran that mile, pushing as hard as we could. Exhausted and on the verge of cardiac arrest, we looked pleadingly at our spouse, stopwatch in hand.
“Well, how’d I do?” we asked.
“Not bad for someone in middle age,” came the reply. “Eight-and-a-half minutes.”
Eight-and-a-half minutes? And I have to do this how many days a week to maintain cardiovascular fitness? Baloney! Cooper must have figured his tables wrong.
Kenneth Cooper hadn’t figured his tables wrong. True, he has adjusted and refined them over the years, but his basic system is not only still intact, but it started and has maintained one of the truly healthy revolutions in America. By breaking our denial system about how much exercise we were really getting, and by introducing a healthy, gradual, sane approach to working up to a regular aerobic exercise program, Kenneth Cooper led literally millions of flabby, short-winded Americans out of the dark ages and into physical fitness.
Yes, it also led many Americans to early heart attack and death; and others into a running addiction that has left them with shin splints, funny-looking disfigured feet and marital breakups, to name a few. We are not skirting the issue of running addictions here just because we are using Cooper’s system as an example. Every new technology or system or scientific discovery is open to abuse by human beings. That is as true of the information that we offer you in this book as it is of any other information or machine. In fact, the inability to use new information or technology in healthy ways is a key symptom of the dysfunction in us. Our point is that there is a first step that we must take if we are to begin our recovery as Adult Children. We call this step uncovering and admitting.
Uncovering and Admitting
Uncovering and admitting are two of the most courageous, painfully honest and supremely growth-enhancing acts that we as human beings can do. Above all else, uncovering and admitting require strength, clarity of mind and purpose, trust in oneself and others and faith that the world is basically a decent place in which to be. Because of this, uncovering and admitting are far removed from the “easy,” ordinary things that we do each day. In truth, a very complex series of events, both within ourselves and outside of us, actua
lly precede what we call true uncovering and admitting.
What Kenneth Cooper did for aerobic exercise was to provide a means for us to gently erode our denial system about the true amount of exercise that we were getting. We use the terms “gently erode” because that’s exactly what must happen. In all but the most extreme cases, our denial systems break apart slowly and carefully over time because we have them for a reason that initially made a lot of sense when we built them. Denial systems are built for a logical, sensible purpose. Without them we would be in a lot of trouble psychologically. The real problem arises when that protective denial system that we once built for a good reason begins to get in the way.
If you grew up in an alcoholic family, for example, then it was a normal protective maneuver for you to unconsciously learn to deny your own true feelings because the family messages you received about those feelings were so crazy. The denial of feelings became an absolute survival response for you as a powerless child in an overwhelmingly mixed-up family.
The problem pops up when you become an adult and try to have a family of your own, or when you try to be happy and spontaneous. Then the denial system that you spent so many years developing and refining gets in the way. You might go from one “crazy” relationship to the next. You find yourself in a circle of friends who lean on you all the time but who never seem to let you lean on them. Or when they let you, things get more muddled than ever.
You marry and have children, thinking that all you have to do is marry and have children and you’ll be able to “right” all the wrongs that were done to you as a child. Yet you find yourself doing some of the same crazy stuff— screaming at the kids for just being kids, being overly critical and perfectionistic just like Mom or Dad—and wondering why the hell you’re doing it when you swore things would never be like that for your children.