“I feel like shit,” I told him.
“Yeah. Same here.” He walked over to the couch and sat on the arm, letting his elbows rest on his knees. When I stood in front of him, he reached out and pulled me into the V of his long legs.
“Don’t beat yourself up over this, Xari. I see it in your eyes.”
“I can’t help it. She shouldn’t have walked in on us fucking, Evander. I should have talked to her a little bit before we came to DC.”
“There’s nothing we could have talked to her about. We just discovered our feelings a couple of days ago. What were we going to say? Should we have told her were having sex? Is that an appropriate conversation?”
“No, but…I don’t know. I’m not good with kids,” I fussed.
“You’re good with Frankie and that’s why I chose you to be her nanny. Now, we have to tackle the fact that you’ve turned into something else. Something more.” He paused to fix a lock of sleek hair that slipped out of my bun. I’d straightened my hair for the wedding and wore it in a loose bun on top of my head. “You’re a part of our family, Xari and that’s not changing. Frankie is pissed now but she’ll start to open up again soon.”
“I don’t know, Evander she seemed more than pissed. She seemed hurt. She’s growing up now and she has different feelings and emotions running through her. Being pissed is way less offensive than being hurt. She might lash out if she’s hurt.”
“Let’s just give her space to breathe, okay? We’ll figure everything out tonight. You have to get ready for the wedding.”
Fuck. He was right. I nodded and left the comfort of his arms and went to the bathroom door.
“Hey, Frankie…I gotta go perform but when I’m done for the night, can we please talk? There’s so much you don’t understand and…”
“Leave me alone.” Her voice was muffled behind the door but loud and clear in my brain.
Leave her alone.
I pressed my lips into a line and nodded curtly before going back to my room. Evander stayed behind, trying to talk to her through the door but I had to get ready for my first paid performance. The performance that was supposed to boost my career and gain exposure.
Now, my mind was going to be preoccupied with Frankie and how hurt and confused she was. I could deal with her being pissed but I didn’t know how to ease the hurt and betrayal I knew she felt.
I barely focused throughout the wedding. I couldn’t stop staring at Evander and Frankie. She was all folded arms and cold stares. I wanted to run over and talk to her when I took a break but I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere with her.
I played all my notes flawlessly and didn’t miss a beat but my heart wasn’t in it. I was just a body. My heart and mind were scattered. I hoped the Phillips couldn’t tell I was playing on autopilot.
The reception came and went, and I barely noticed any of it. I was too busy watching Evander try to coax a conversation out of Frankie while she focused on her phone. The venue was gorgeous and I smiled when people wanted to take pictures of me, I even managed to hold a few small conversations before I left but I was a fucking zombie. When I said goodbye to Damon, he assured me I would go viral online again and have opportunities galore. I hoped he was right. I knew later on the gravity of what I’d just done would sink in. However, while wrapped in the constricting ties of guilt, everything else seemed trivial.
At the end of the night, Evander carried my gift bag to my suite and looked at me apologetically. “I know this is tough,” he said.
“She hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you. You know that.”
“I don’t know that anymore. I fucked you when I told her I wouldn’t be one of those women who got all caught up in how fine you were. What did I do? Get caught up in how fine you were.” I tossed up my hand and shook my head. “The dick was a bonus. Actually, with dick like that, your face is the bonus.”
“I have no idea if I should be offended or flattered.” He grabbed my ass and pulled me to him.
“Both.” I found a laugh somewhere inside my aching chest. “I just want to talk to her, Evander.”
“I know. You gotta make it through the silent treatment first. I tried talking to her at the wedding and she ignored the fuck out of me. I’m not going to force her to talk but I won’t let this shit go on for more than a day or two. We all need to talk.”
“Yeah…we do.” I kissed his cheek and stood up. “You better go in there with the ice queen. If you stay in here, I can’t promise I won’t end up on your dick again.” Even when I was down, talking shit with Evander made me smile.
“I mean…” He shrugged and bit his bottom lip before standing to look at me. God, he held the heat of the sun in his stare. “I wouldn’t be mad at that.” His long arms slid around my waist and he leaned down to kiss my lips. It was so soft and hot. I had to ignore the way my clit thumped for him and send him next door.
Once he was gone, I changed into my pajamas and called Navy. I knew she wanted to hear from me to see how the night went.
Her excited voice was in stark contrast to my gloomy mood. “How’d it go?” She asked.
“It was nice.” I smoothed my hand repeatedly over the comforter on the bed.
“Nice? That’s it, Xari? I expected you to be bubbling over with details.”
“To be honest, Navy I don’t remember much about any of it. I’m just glad it’s over and I didn’t fuck up.”
“What’s wrong with you? Something is seriously off. I can’t remember ever hearing you sound so…defeated. Did you and Senator Freeman stop messing around?”
“What? No. We’re in love. Why would we?” The words tumbled out before I realized what happened. Navy’s gasp made me realize my faux pas immediately.
“I knew it! I knew it! Not only are you fucking Senator Freeman, you’re in love with him?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and groaned. How the fuck did I let that slip? It wasn’t a little slip either. That was a full-blown fucking slip.
“Goddammit, Navy.”
“Don’t goddammit Navy me. You’re so caught up in whatever has you down that you let your secret slip. I mean, it wasn’t that big of a secret. I knew from looking at you two that something was going on. It looked serious but I couldn’t be sure how serious because you were so hell-bent on keeping it a secret.”
“Ugh. Everything is out in the open now and I feel so exposed. I hate this.”
“Hate what, sis? Something is really bothering you.” Her tender tone made tears prick my eyes.
“Frankie walked in on us fucking and she had no idea we were even together,” I confessed.
“Oh no…” Navy sighed. “Is she okay?”
“No. She’s hurt. She made me promise her I wouldn’t get involved with Evander. She said she sees the way women look at him and she didn’t want me to be one of those women. I promised her I wouldn’t be. Now…look at me.”
“Have you talked to her?” Navy asked.
“I tried but she keeps telling me to leave her alone. She won’t talk to her father either. I don’t know how to tell her that dick is everywhere, but chemistry isn’t. I don’t know how to package that for a twelve-year-old.”
“Leaving the dick is everywhere part out would be a great start.”
“It’s so true though. I can’t tell you how many casual fucks I’ve had but Evander is different.”
“He must be because you’ve changed since working for him.”
“I have. In the best ways. He’s changed too.” A smile tried to inch across my lips but stopped once Frankie popped into my head.
“Now that you mention it, he has changed. He’s so laid back now,” she noticed.
“See, that’s all me. There’s no way to show Frankie how much we care about each other. All she knows is that I’m fucking her father. Evander and I wanted to tell her in a comfortable setting so she wouldn’t feel like either of us lied to her or hurt her but now…” My words trailed off.
“It’ll be okay,
Xari. If you’re really in love with Senator Freeman…I mean, Evander then Frankie finding out like this isn’t going to kill the relationship. It’s a hiccup for sure but not the end.”
“Thanks, sissy. Are you mad at me for being with Evander?” I wanted to know what Navy thought. Her opinion meant a lot to me.
“I’m shocked. Well, I was when I put it together. I was never upset though.”
“Shocked?” A small laugh slipped out.
“Yeah. You and him are polar opposites. He’s so straight-laced and you’re such a wild child. I’ve worked with him for a year now and I thought he lived and breathed being a senator. I used to wonder if he went home and plugged himself in at night to recharge.” She laughed at the notion. I understood how she could have that perception of him because I had it too.
“The only time I’ve seen him relax a little is when Frankie is around. You’ve unlocked a part of him. It’s interesting.” I shifted on the bed and pulled my knees up to my chest. I missed Evander right then. I wanted nothing more than to lay my head on his chest.
“Navy,” I said in a small voice. “What if he wants to put things between us on hold until he can get Frankie to come around?” The silent worry leaped from my heart and into the air. I couldn’t take it back once it left my mouth.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen, Xari.”
“He will do anything for Frankie and I don’t blame him I’m just wondering where that’s going to leave us.” I sucked in a quick breath then shook the selfishness from my thoughts. “You know what…it’ll be fine. If he needs to put a hold on us to work things out with his daughter then who am I to pout about it, right?”
“Yeah but that hasn’t happened yet so you’re tripping over a hypothetical situation. Calm down, Xari. I’ve never seen you confused before. This is weird.”
“I’m not confused. I know Evander loves me I just don’t know if love is enough when there’s a kid involved.” The weight of being with Evander hit me hard.
Being with him meant I’d have to shift my relationship with Frankie. It would mean the possibility of being a stepmother one day.
The thought chilled my blood.
A stepmom?
Could I handle that?
Sure, it was fine when I was Frankie’s nanny but there was a chance that things between Evander and I could grow and blossom. It meant I’d have to deal with Alexis on a personal level and not a professional one.
Everything I knew as a part of my job would fuse with my personal life. I couldn’t shrug it off. I would have a man with a kid and a quintessential baby mama. I hated that term with a passion and always tried to say child’s mother instead but no phrase fit Alexis better than calling her what the fuck she was…a bitter baby mama.
“Xari, you there?” Navy’s voice cut through my fog.
“Yeah…just thinking, that’s all.”
“About?”
“Being a stepmom one day and dealing with Alexis,” I rolled my eyes involuntarily at her name coming out of my mouth. Ugh. It felt sour.
“Wow, you jumped ahead, didn’t you? Don’t worry about being Frankie’s stepmom or fighting with Alexis. Right now, focus on repairing what’s broken with Frankie and working out your new relationship with Senator Freeman.” She sang his name in a teasing way that forced a reluctant smile on my face.
“Stop it, Navy,” I chuckled.
“Xari and Evander sitting in a tree…”
“I will disown you. We are not in elementary school,” I hissed.
“K-I-S-S-I-N-G…”
“Oh my god, Navy. You’re supposed to be the mature one. Stop it.”
“First comes love…”
“Navy!” I snapped. I still couldn’t stop myself from cracking up laughing. My shoulders jumped with each line she sang.
“Then comes marriage. Then comes the baby in a baby carriage.”
“Ugh. I am not getting pregnant and stretching my body out. I’ve seen what babies do to a perfectly nice body.” I frowned at the thought of being pregnant but something in my mind jumped up and down with glee at the thought of having Evander’s baby and all of us being a family.
“Yeah, there wasn’t enough disdain in your voice for me to believe you’re not thinking about getting knocked up by Evander.”
“Whatever. Having a baby and getting married have never been on my to-do list. You know that. I just want to play…”
“For the philharmonic, I know. It’s literally been your dream since you first touched a harp and realized you were the best. Nobody said you can’t eventually have a family and play professionally.”
“Stop talking about family. It’s creeping me out,” I huffed. “I don’t want to have a baby now or in the future. It would deplete my shopping budget and how am I supposed to afford myself plus another, smaller, cuter version of me?”
Navy laughed at my response then sighed a little. “You’ll be okay,” she assured me. “I’m happy that you’re happy and I think you and Evander will figure out the best way to get Frankie to come around. The bottom line is, there are some things she can’t understand right now. She’s only twelve.”
“You’re right. I just hate that she’s hurting because of me. Normally, I wouldn’t care but I really do love Frankie. I love Evander too. I just want everything to work out.” I’d never cared about much outside of my family and playing the harp. Now, I had these two people in my world and I cared deeply about them. I loved them. They were a part of my family now. Things had to be made right.
“It will, sis. Listen, you get some rest and call me tomorrow when you guys get back, okay?”
“Okay, Navy. Love you.”
“I love you too, Xari, and I’m proud of you.” That last part made me smile even after the call ended. She was proud of me. It meant so much. My heart swelled in my chest despite the cyclone of bullshit I was going through. Hearing my big sister say she loved me and she was proud of me made me feel like I was doing something right.
I’d take whatever wins I could get.
…
TWENTY-ONE
Frankie gave Xari and me the silent treatment the entire drive. I was letting her have space because she needed to deal with her emotions. As much as I loved her, I couldn’t step in and interfere. She felt hurt and betrayed by both me and Xari. I understood that. I refused to let her run away from what was bothering her though.
Freezing me out wasn’t going to make anything better and it damn sure wasn’t going to make it go away. She had to learn how to deal with uncomfortable things. I would have to learn to be okay with it if she wanted to remain upset with me, but she at least needed to articulate her feelings.
I looked out of the window when we pulled around my circular driveway and a frown crushed my face.
“What the…” The words involuntarily fell from my lips when I saw Alexis’s car already waiting. “Frankie, did you call your mother?” I turned to the twelve-year-old sitting beside me with her arms folded in a clear act of closed-off defiance.
“Yes.” It was the first word she’d spoken to me since last night when she told me no after I asked if she wanted to talk to the chef who catered the wedding. Her tone was still cool and barbed.
“Wow,” Xari scoffed from the front seat. I sat in the back with Frankie, hoping she would warm up to me enough to talk. It didn’t work.
“Wanna tell me why you called her?” I asked. My voice must have had enough ice in it to remind Frankie that while she was pissed at me, I was still her damn father.
“I want to stay with her this week.”
“This week?” I hoped like hell I didn’t hear her correctly. “You need to explain this to me and quick.” My eyes drilled into hers and she pulled her shoulders up around her ears, too scared to meet my gaze head-on. I didn’t blame her.
“I want her to take me to school and pick me up and…”
“All the stuff I do?” Xari said quietly before getting out of the truck. I hated how defeated she so
unded.
Yes, Xari and I should have talked to Frankie about our relationship, but we planned to do just that. We didn’t get the chance and now everything was a fucking shit show. There were a lot of tangles to smooth out, apologies to be made, and new understandings to be formed if everything was going to work out. None of that would get done if Frankie ran off to her mother’s house to brood and feed into Alexis’s toxicity.
“Frankie, it’s your choice to stay with your mother this week and I’m not going to punish you for it. However, you don’t get to not communicate just because you’re upset. I’m upset too and somehow. I managed to get you in the truck and home safely. I communicated.” For the first time since she walked in on me and Xari, she looked remorseful. I wasn’t trying to make her feel that way but I didn’t appreciate the way she decided to call Alexis without saying one word to me.
I got out of the truck and walked over to Alexis’s car. She rolled down the window and smiled at me. It was as phony as everything else on her face.
She wasn’t always plumped with fillers and slathered in makeup. When we were married, she had her natural face. Somewhere along the line, she turned into a Kardashian and never looked back.
“Hey, Van. Is my daughter ready?”
“I don’t know. I was unaware she called you and wanted to spend the week with you.”
“Aw. How sad? Evidently, she doesn’t feel like she gets enough attention here with you. Probably because you’re giving it to the nanny.”
“Don’t accuse me of not spending enough time with Frankie. I see her every morning and every night.” I tolerated a lot but having Alexis, of all fucking people, question how much time I spent with my kid was infuriating.
“I bet you see the nanny all night long though, don’t you? I saw her swing her narrow hips in the house. She’s rude. She didn’t even speak to me. You should train her better.”
“Hey, Mom…” Frankie’s soft voice came from beside me. I glanced at her then dropped a stiff kiss to the top of her head.
Whiskey and Regret Page 27