Starting at university brought up those feelings of isolation. Once again she was just a number in a sea of faces. She started to exercise obsessively, joining many of the outdoor activities. She watched with interest as her body changed. For the first time in her life she developed muscles. Her hip bones started to protrude as her stomach became concave. It was all a novelty to Sarah and she viewed it with abstract interest. She liked the power and strength of her newly toned body. To the outside world she was the life and soul of the party, always ready to try anything. She did her mother proud, ever gay and laughing. But inside she struggled with deep feelings of inadequacy.
Living at university residences it was easy to hide her bulimia. But when she moved in with Thel and Tom it had become harder and she had learned to be secretive. Tom suspected something but never knew exactly what went on during that period. Thel understood a lot more. She recognised the depth of the young girl’s pain and ached for her. She accepted Sarah into her home and her family without questions. It was just the space Sarah needed.
Living with Thel and Tom gave Sarah back a sense of belonging. She felt surrounded by love and it went a long way to healing her pain. Tentatively she turned her focus outward and discovered the world wasn’t such a scary place after all. She took herself off to see a doctor. Then she saw a therapist. When finally she understood what was going on inside her own head and why she was doing what she was doing, she sat down and explained it to Tom. She stopped making herself throw up. She lost her obsessive drive to be fit. The knots inside her began to unravel as the tension slowly ebbed from every cell, every nerve. She saw Tom there, patiently loving her and she felt as near to whole as she had felt in her life.
As Sarah ran she recognised all those old feelings of pain and anxiety rising up again inside her. She was back in that dark place, where she was bewildered and angry, and very small. The world seemed malicious and unstable, and nothing could be counted on. And she felt that rage against the world burn inside her again.
But to rage against the whole world, against life itself, was too big, too unworkable. So she focussed her rage on the one person she was closest to in the world. Tom. She directed all her pent-up fury and aggression against him. Where was he when she needed him? Why did he not want her? Why did he shrink from her? Sarah didn’t want to go home. She didn’t want to see Tom. The intensity of their emotional conflicts exhausted her. She reached the fork at the top of the hill. She had nearly completed the full five-kilometre circuit. The right fork was the final stretch that would take her directly home. With a heavy heart she turned down the road. She had nowhere else to go.
*
That afternoon Sarah and Tom drove to the northern beaches in silence. Sarah pointedly turned up the radio as soon as they headed off, making conversation virtually impossible. Tom was still mulling over the changes that had been made to his story and was in no mood for another argument. The anger of the morning sat heavily between them.
Tom concentrated on driving, looking steadfastly through the windscreen at the road. There was a little crack in the corner where a stone had hit. He hoped it didn’t mean having to get a new windscreen. It reminded him of the registration. He looked across at Sarah’s side of the car. It was the same old sticker.
‘Did you send the registration cheque?’ Tom asked.
Sarah blanched. She hadn’t. She had been so distracted this week, what with one thing and another.
‘Yes, I sent the cheque,’ she replied, feeling guilty, defensive and annoyed, all at the same time.
They pulled into the carpark at Palm Beach and unloaded the car without speaking. As they walked across the grass to the barbecue area Anne rushed over to greet them, her baby in a sling on her stomach. Tom and Sarah smiled the moment she joined them, looking for all the world like a united and happy couple. They cooed at the baby, knowing it was what was expected and Anne would be hurt if they didn’t. Neither of them could have felt less like a social afternoon.
‘Isn’t it a glorious day,’ said Sarah, trying to sound enthusiastic. ‘And look at little Thomas – hasn’t he grown.’
Tom was relieved to see John by the barbecue and bolted towards him. He looked forward to an easy comfortable chat about politics, football, work, anything not related to emotional issues. As head of current affairs for a TV network, John was essentially a business rival. He and Tom sometimes found themselves competing for the same stories. But there was a mutual respect and, away from work, they could relax and swap gossip about the many people they knew in common. They walked a fine line, always talking in generalities and never discussing the details of the stories they were working on. It was an unspoken and mutually understood rule of their working world.
‘Oh, just dump me at the first opportunity,’ thought Sarah. She was a jumble of nerves. The car ride had been oppressive and she was relieved to be away from Tom but the idea that he might feel the same way irritated her intensely. She tried to stifle her feelings of anger. She was here now and she may as well make the most of it.
It had turned into a perfect summer day. The sun sparkled on the ocean. Surfers dotted the wave break. On the shore children splashed about happily. A group of boys played cricket in the sand. The beach was wide enough to accommodate them all in friendly chaotic camaraderie. Sarah tried to relax, letting the sun warm her through to the bone. Tom stayed with John at the barbecue, leaving Sarah and Anne to play with Thomas. They sat under a tree on a picnic rug, cooing over his chubby little legs and arms.
‘Sarah, are you okay?’ asked Anne.
Sarah looked surprised.
‘You don’t seem yourself lately,’ Anne ventured.
Sarah looked at her friend. She liked Anne. Trusted her. They had shared many happy and not-so-happy times growing up together in McKenzie’s newsroom. She missed her in the office.
‘Is everything all right with Tom?’ Anne asked, her face furrowed with concern.
Sarah sighed. Everything wasn’t all right with Tom, but she wasn’t sure where to start. She was at a loss to articulate the whirlpool of emotions swirling about inside her.
‘Anne, before you married John, did you have doubts?’
Anne narrowed her eyes. ‘What sort of doubts?’
Sarah took a deep breath. ‘I love Tom, I’m sure of that. Or I was sure. But lately, I don’t know …’ she trailed off.
‘Go on,’ urged Anne.
‘It’s just that we don’t seem to be getting on so well. We seem to be fighting constantly. It’s like ever since we decided to get married, we have been at each other’s throats.’ Sarah sighed as it all came tumbling out. ‘I feel under so much pressure. At work. From Tom. I’m so wound up. I just want to cry and scream and yell at everybody. I feel like everything always lands on me. I have to do the dinner. I have to clean up. I have to do the shopping and if I don’t get what he wants, it’s my fault.
‘I have to get the car registered. It’s like my time isn’t as important as Tom’s. Why couldn’t he take the morning off work to get it registered? It’s his car.
‘I just feel so scared. Now we have decided to get married I feel suddenly trapped. Is this what my life will always be like? What if we actually aren’t right together? Just because we have been together so long doesn’t mean it’s right. Maybe we both need to see other people. We’ve been together since we were twenty.’
Sarah’s eyes filled with tears. As she heard herself articulate the words she heard the way they sounded and it scared her even more. Tom was the rock in her life. What was she saying? Life without Tom? It was a thought she hadn’t dared allow herself. But out it came.
Anne looked gently at her friend. ‘Oh Sarah, honey, we all feel like that at times. Before John and I got married, I nearly called it off three times.’
Sarah raised an eyebrow. This was news to her. They had always seemed so right for each other. From the moment John had joined their network, Anne had single-mindedly set out to get him. He was the brash, hotshot y
oung newshound who the network had proudly poached from a rival station. Anne had fallen for him in a matter of minutes. Or that was how Sarah thought their relationship had been.
‘You did?’
‘Oh yes,’ laughed Anne. ‘But he was so good. He just ignored me basically. Put it down to wedding nerves and that was that. Just bulldozed me into it. And I’m glad he did. It was just wedding nerves.’ Anne looked at Sarah thoughtfully. ‘How did you feel when Tom asked you to marry him?’
Sarah smiled at the memory. ‘Happy. Like it was right. Like it was inevitable somehow.’
Anne nodded. ‘Well, my girl, just hold onto that thought, that feeling. You can’t see clearly now. You’re all wound up. But when you were thinking clearly, that was how you felt. That was the right decision. Honey, just hold onto that and you will be fine.’
Sarah bounced Thomas on her lap, waving her fingers in front of his eyes. He cooed with delight.
‘I suppose so,’ she said slowly. ‘Do you ever feel that you hate John? Actually hate him?’
Anne laughed. ‘Yep. I reckon I could kill him at least once a week. But then other times I love him so much I could just die there on the spot. And the rest of the time we just go about living and he’s just another regular fixture in my life that I don’t think too much about one way or the other. That’s the warp and weave of marriage. It goes up and down and everywhere in between.’
Sarah watched as Tom stood at the barbecue, beer in one hand and tongs in the other. He was laughing at something John was saying. His laughter carried across the grass to where she sat. He looked across at her and waved. He pointed to the carpark and Sarah felt a tremor of annoyance. Did he want something from the car? Couldn’t he get it himself? She pretended not to understand him. He put down the tongs and started to walk towards the carpark. She looked across and saw Ginny pulling off a bike helmet as Hal steadied his bike. Sarah felt a rush of guilt. What was wrong with her? Why was she so negative? She really needed to snap out of it.
‘Here’s Hal and Ginny,’ she said to Anne. The two women exchanged a little smile.
‘Now this could be interesting,’ said Sarah, happy to have something else to concentrate on. She pushed her own problems aside, popping them into a little compartment where she could retrieve them later, when she was alone.
The two women watched as Ginny stepped off the bike. It was a warm day and she was wearing a leather jacket and leather gloves. She was laughing up at Hal. She looked exhilarated. Tom greeted them. He shook Hal’s hand and kissed Ginny on the cheek. Sarah was too far away to see the slow blush that spread up Ginny’s throat and across her cheeks. The three of them walked across the grass towards her.
Ginny looked every inch the biker, carrying her helmet under her arm and walking confidently between Hal and Tom. She beamed with happiness.
‘That was so much fun,’ said Ginny. She was talking to Sarah and Anne but looking at Hal. He was smiling shyly back at her. Ginny breathlessly recounted their trip. Hal interjected occasionally and Ginny was happy to defer to him. Sarah bounced baby Thomas on her lap and smiled encouragingly at her friend. After a few moments Tom returned to the barbecue, taking Hal with him. Ginny’s face fell and Sarah noticed how quickly she lost interest in relating to them the rest of her story of their ride.
‘So you really enjoyed the ride with Hal?’ Sarah prompted.
Ginny didn’t seem to hear her. She was watching the men at the barbecue. John was cooking while Tom and Hal stood to one side chatting, a beer in each hand. They were too far away to hear the conversation. Ginny’s whole being was focussed on the men at the barbecue. Anne and Sarah exchanged a look.
‘I think I’ll just see what we’re having for lunch,’ said Ginny and wandered off towards the men.
‘Hmmm. I think we could be onto something here,’ said Sarah.
‘I think you may be right,’ agreed Anne. ‘Have you ever seen Ginny so obviously interested in a man?’
‘Not since high school,’ said Sarah, naively believing it to be true.
Ginny stood between Hal and Tom, enjoying the male banter and basking in the attention of Hal and Tom. She completely ignored John. When the meat was cooked she helped carry it back to the women under the tree and the six sat around on the picnic rug, while baby Thomas gurgled in his bassinette.
Sarah and Tom sat apart and managed to avoid eye contact. Tom passed Sarah a plate of sausages without looking directly at her. Sarah accepted it without a word. Anne noticed their frostiness and so did Hal. John was oblivious of the undercurrents and Ginny was too busy enjoying herself to notice anything but Hal and Tom. She sat opposite them both, looking happily from one to the other.
Ginny held court. She was animated and amusing, continuing the story of her ride with Hal. She laughed as she told how they had pulled up at a petrol station and the woman behind the counter had refused to serve her.
‘I still had my helmet on, you see. I didn’t realise you were supposed to take them off in the shop. I only wanted a packet of chewing gum. She must have thought I was going to hold up the service station.’ Ginny giggled with delight at the thought.
Sarah couldn’t remember a time when she had seen Ginny looking so confident. Sarah wasn’t in the mood to be bright and bubbly and was relieved her friend was taking the heat off her. Ginny noticed Sarah was uncharacteristically quiet and assumed she was unhappy at being overshadowed.
‘Well suffer, baby,’ thought Ginny. ‘This is my show.’ She decided to turn up the heat a little.
‘Sarah was telling us all at dinner the other night about the story you are working on, Tom. About steroid abuse,’ Ginny said innocently. ‘It sounds very interesting.’
The atmosphere changed instantly. John looked alert. Anne looked uncomfortable. Tom stared at Sarah, who stared guiltily at the picnic rug. Hal felt the tension but didn’t understand it. Ginny noted it with satisfaction and continued talking into the silence.
‘She told us all about it. That body builder who killed his wife. Bashed her to death with a dumbbell. I remember when that happened. It was so awful. And Sarah said you got an exclusive interview with him?’
Tom was quiet and deliberate when he finally spoke. ‘I’m afraid my fiancée has been speaking out of school,’ he said. ‘She shouldn’t be talking about such things. I’m sorry, Ginny, but it’s not something I can talk about. Particularly in front of John,’ he added with a weak laugh.
John cleared his throat.
‘Don’t worry about it, Tom. We’re mates. I saw your piece this morning and I thought it was good. Should stir things up a bit. We’re chasing our own story on steroid abuse. I’ll just forget that I heard what you are up to.’
‘Thanks, mate,’ said Tom lamely.
Anne changed the subject but the mood had soured completely. The tension between Tom and Sarah was dense and all-encompassing. It was uncomfortable to be around. Hal suggested to Ginny they ride back early, to avoid the late-afternoon traffic. Anne started to clear away the plates. Sarah was reluctant to leave, knowing she would have to face Tom in the car. She felt the beginnings of a headache. She hoped she wasn’t developing a migraine.
Anne understood and was sympathetic. ‘It’s not that bad, honey,’ she said to Sarah as they rinsed the plates under a tap. ‘John won’t use it. You know that.’
Sarah was unconvinced. ‘I’m sure John wouldn’t use it. But that’s not the point. Tom is furious that I even spoke about it.’
‘Bloody Ginny,’ said Anne. ‘You would think she would know better.’
‘It’s not her fault,’ said Sarah wearily. ‘She’s not a journalist. Why should she understand what’s classified and what’s not?’
Anne looked at Sarah in amazement. ‘Sarah, I was there when you were telling us. I distinctly remember you saying that it was classified. You are so loyal to that girl and I have never understood why.’
Anne seemed to want some sort of response from Sarah. Sarah didn’t know what to say. She
was tired, emotionally drained. She wasn’t thinking about Ginny. She was thinking about the car ride home. She would be trapped in the little hatchback with Tom. She was still angry with him, believing he had let her down. Now she felt the ground had shifted. All the unresolved tension that lay between them would be lost in his self-righteous anger. And she didn’t have a leg to stand on. She sighed as she tried to think of Ginny.
‘I guess I feel sorry for her. She had a pretty rough time growing up and … I don’t know. She means well.’
Anne snorted with exasperation. She wasn’t sure that was entirely true.
‘Anyway, none of that helps me now,’ said Sarah. ‘Wish me luck. It’s going to be a long ride home.’
The four said their goodbyes awkwardly. John once again tried to reassure Tom that he would never use anything gained through their friendship. Tom waved away John’s reassurances, but his face was like thunder. Anne squeezed Sarah’s arm.
‘You’ll be fine,’ she whispered.
Sarah offered to drive. She knew Tom had had a few beers and normally, because she drank little, he would have expected her to drive.
‘I’ll drive,’ replied Tom curtly.
Sarah sat meekly in the passenger seat. In her head she went over what she could say, where to start, but Tom gave her no opening. He repelled her with every fibre of his being. He focussed his attention directly on the road ahead, changing gears violently, his knuckles white as he clenched the gearstick. Sarah’s head was throbbing. She felt tendrils of pain spreading down the sides of her neck. She longed to be alone in a hot bath.
As they neared the city she could stand the silence and the tension no longer.
‘Tom, can we talk about this?’ she blurted out.
Tom kept his eyes on the road. ‘What would you like to say, Sarah?’ he asked coldly.
Sarah felt the icy fingers of dread along her skin. She hated it when Tom was like this. Cold, distant and insufferably controlled.
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