by Mel Sherratt
Despite herself, Cathy smiled. She knew that Josie was right – she had been over-analysing her marriage. But she was wrong about one thing.
‘I’m not afraid,’ she told her. ‘I just feel guilty after… after…’
‘Cathy Mason, surely you didn’t give out on your first date?’
‘No. I meant I haven’t been kissed by anyone else for years. That’s the reason behind all this crap I’ve been tormenting myself with.’
‘Then it’s about time you caught up and moved on.’
Cathy spotted the clock. ‘Christ, will you look at the time. I’m going to be late!’
‘Yes, where are you off to, dressed up all posh?’ Josie asked as she rushed to the door.
‘I’m going into town.’ Cathy was non-committal. ‘Nowhere in particular.’
Rushing through the pedestrian-only shopping area an hour later, Cathy got to her appointment with ten minutes to spare. She sat down in the roomy reception area and reached for a magazine. Steele, Barrett and Co had been the first solicitors she’d come across in the local phone directory. Now that she was here, she recalled looking inside it many times on her trips into town.
She casually thumbed a gardening magazine as she recalled what Josie had said about Matt. She knew she’d put Rich on a pedestal and left him there too long. Would he really have wanted her to be alone forever? Not likely. And Matt was a nice guy to mess around with. It didn’t have to be anything serious.
A door opened to her right and a man she was sure wasn’t old enough to have passed any exams, came towards her. If first impressions really did count, he had to score top marks. All smart pin-striped suit and shiny black shoes, his hair, although cut in a choppy style, looked like he’d spent hours getting it just right. He strode towards her, his large hand outstretched.
‘Mrs Mason?’ He shook hers firmly. ‘I’m David Barrett. Come on through. Zoe, could we have drinks, please?’
The office she was ushered into was vast, modern and tidy. Even its minimalist décor seemed inviting. Cathy sat down, realising that if the business was as good as the overall appearance of everything she’d seen so far, this was going to cost her a fortune.
‘Mrs Mason, I won’t beat about the bush. I did some digging around after you called to arrange this meeting,’ Mr Barrett started once he’d settled into his seat. ‘I know the details you gave me were scarce but no one can change their date of birth, now can they? Unless they don’t want to be found, that is.’
Mr Barrett laughed a little. Cathy smiled faintly to play along with him but she didn’t find it funny. What planet was he on? People changed their identity with plastic surgery these days, so changing a date of birth to get lost in the system would be a doddle.
She looked up as Mr Barrett had paused. He had the most captivating of eyes, but Cathy could see apprehension in them. She held her breath, studying his face, desperately looking for some sort of clue.
‘What is it?’ she prompted.
‘Mrs Mason, I’ve managed to track down your son.’
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
‘But how?’ Cathy’s hand clutched her chest. ‘I only gave you a few details. Where is he? Does he want to see me? Oh, don’t be so pathetic, Cathy. Of course he doesn’t want to see you. Not after all these years.’
Mr Barrett held up his hand for her to stop but she continued as if not seeing it.
‘And abandoning him like that as a –’ She sat forward. ‘He does want to see me, doesn’t he?’
‘Mrs Mason.’ Mr Barrett spoke straight yet with a soothing manner. ‘I’m sorry but, no, he doesn’t want to see you.’
‘What?’ Cathy faltered, trying hard to keep her composure as the man sitting before her shattered her dreams.
‘I tracked down his adoptive parents. He was with them until he was ten. They told him about you then. They thought it best to be honest with him from an early age but it backfired. He started to become disruptive, uncontrollable. Eventually they had no choice but to put him back into care. He spent the rest of his years in a council run home and that is all they can tell me. He rings them quite often – usually once a week – but he does have a tendency to go off radar for long periods too. During his last call, they told him you were trying to contact him but he said that he didn’t want to see you. I could keep on digging, if you’d rather hear it from him?’
Cathy felt like she’d lost the ability to speak.
‘People change, Mrs Mason,’ Mr Barrett added, noting her distress. ‘He was only sixteen when they last saw him. Would you like me to continue with my enquiries?’
Without remembering how, Cathy got into her car and began to drive. The sky was an inviting clear blue but her mood was sombre. Passing the city’s central park, she decided to pull over and take a walk.
With every step she took, she didn’t notice anyone who passed her by. The flowers were out in bloom, the perfectly mowed lawns and the preened hedges were wasted on her. All she could see was her baby being taken away, Mr Barrett’s words running continuously through her mind.
She carried on until she found herself by the side of the lake. Spying a bench that was as empty as she felt inside, she sat down. Before long, tears poured down her face. For years, she had dreamt of this moment and, now it was here, it had all turned out wrong. Why wouldn’t Simon see her, let her explain the situation? Let her explain that she thought she’d done the best for him.
It hadn’t even crossed her mind during last night’s thoughts of Rich and Matt. She’d thought the meeting today would be a matter of formality, sorting out further details or finalising others so that Mr Barrett could then begin his search. Cathy didn’t think for one minute that he would have acted so quickly.
For three hours, she watched the world go by while inside she was breaking. Her mind replayed every single detail of the time when she had given Simon up for adoption. Even now she could clearly recall the tiny curls of hair stuck to his face as he took his first few breaths and found out that he could scream. She could still see his tiny squashed nose, his long, yet perfect fingers which wound round her thumb so tightly. Like that one treasured photograph, she only had a memory. She couldn’t remember anything else because he had been taken away.
But all too well, Cathy remembered that feeling of inadequacy and longing. How she cried as the nurses looked on. She’d wanted to scream at them, make them understand that she wasn’t in a good place, that she couldn’t look after him. That she was scared, alone, vulnerable.
Now it was like losing him again. After all this time, all the years she had yearned to see her son’s face, longed for forgiveness, he didn’t want to know, and she couldn’t blame him.
For a while, she found herself hating Rich. If he hadn’t been sent to prison, this would never have happened. And she should have been able to talk to him, air her concerns. Things might have been so different then. Why hadn’t she trusted him? If he loved her as much as he said he did, then surely he would have understood her dilemma?
But she knew she couldn’t blame Rich for any of it. It was all her fault. She’d chosen not to tell him because she didn’t want him to leave her. She couldn’t risk losing him so instead she’d stayed quiet. She was the stupid one.
Cathy jumped back to reality as a man too old to be riding a bicycle rode past, narrowly missing her feet as he wobbled about perilously. It was the first week of the school summer break and the park was busy. Children ran around the outside of the lake. Mothers fed the ducks with their toddlers. A group of boys with nets and buckets were shouting so loud they would frighten off anything they might catch. A man was walking towards them, no doubt to tell them to be quiet. She began to cry again. How could life go on all around her?
She must have gone off in a daze again because the next thing she saw was a stout man wearing green overalls standing in front of her. He had kind eyes and a warm smile.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked gently. ‘You’ve been sitting there for hours.’
‘I’m admiring the beautiful view,’ Cathy said, knowing that he’d see right through it.
‘Troubles are better when they’re shared. Haven’t you got anyone to talk to?’
‘Sometimes the words won’t come out, no matter how many people are waiting to listen.’
The man sat down beside her, not close enough to cause offence. ‘Whatever you have done, or indeed what someone else has done, can always be rectified.’
Cathy sniffed. ‘If only it was that simple. I’ve ruined someone’s life.’
‘I doubt that. We humans do a pretty good job of that ourselves.’
They sat in silence for a minute or two before he put his hands on his knees and pushed himself up straight.
‘I was about to have a coffee before I leave for the day.’ The man smiled warmly. ‘There’s a spare one going, if you’d like it?’
Cathy burst into tears. His kindness was more than she deserved. She wiped at her eyes quickly.
‘Thank you but I need to go home. I need to hate myself for a while longer yet though.’
‘Don’t make it too long, then, hmm?’
He tipped his cap, a gentlemanly gesture that Cathy admired in him immediately. Manners didn’t cost anything and they were hardly ever reciprocated nowadays. God bless the older generation. As she watched him walk away, her thoughts suddenly turned to Rose and she burst into tears again. How she wished Rose was here to help her through this mess.
Finally, she headed home. Just before five thirty, she parked in the driveway and switched off the engine. How the hell she was going to get through the rest of the evening she didn’t know.
‘Cathy! Where have you been?’ Liz cried as she came through the front door. Jess and Becky followed quickly behind her. ‘The girls rang me when you weren’t answering your phone so I came around. We’ve all been trying. Have you switched it off?’
‘You look like shit,’ said Jess. Liz nudged her sharply.
To their amazement, Cathy walked past them into the living room. All three trouped behind her and watched as she poured a large drink of whatever was first to hand and knocked it back in one go.
‘We’ve been really worried about you,’ said Becky.
‘I’ve only been gone for a few hours.’ Cathy looked at them, each in turn. ‘Surely you can survive without me for that long? I’m not responsible for everyone. I can’t be responsible for – responsible for –’
She began to fill the glass again but her hands started to shake uncontrollably. Liz took the bottle from her.
‘Cathy, what’s going on?’ she asked gently.
Cathy looked up. ‘I… I…’ It was no use: if she started to speak she would cry. She picked up her bag and left the room.
‘Cathy!’ Liz called after her.
Upstairs, Cathy closed the door quickly so they couldn’t see the tears streaming down her face. It was all she could do to stop herself turning back to them. She couldn’t tell them. She felt so ashamed. But she needed to talk to someone.
In the safety of her bedroom, she switched her mobile phone on and dialled a number. A welcome voice rang out.
‘Hello, Josie Mellor speaking.’
Josie was there almost immediately.
Cathy sunk into her embrace. She knew she’d never find the right words to explain what had happened. And how could she tell anyone? She was going to show herself for what she was: a fraud, a fake, a useless human being.
But she had to tell someone. The secret was eating her up, churning her insides. She took a deep breath before she began.
‘I went to see a solicitor today. He’s been trying to track someone down for me and...’ Cathy looked at Josie as she said the words she’d never spoken to anyone before. ‘I lied when I said I couldn’t have children. I had a son, fathered by another man.’
‘What?’
‘I – I was so lonely when Rich was in prison. And so young and bloody naïve. Three years was such a long stretch. When one of his friends started to call around more than was necessary, I began to look forward to his visits. One day he kissed me and… and I kissed him back. One thing led to another…’ Cathy clung to Josie as she continued to speak. ‘Two months later, I found out I was pregnant.’
‘So you had the baby?’ Josie sounded puzzled. ‘I had no idea.’
‘Neither did he. I didn’t tell anyone.’
‘But how did you –?’
‘How could I tell him? It was my fault that I got into such a mess. If Rich had found out, I would have lost him.’
‘No, surely not.’
‘Of course I would! Rich was a right Jack-the-lad then. It was only prison that changed him for the better as he swore he’d never go back once he got out. Imagine how he would have felt if I’d turned up on his release. “Oh hi, darling. This is Simon. He was born while you were inside. No, Rich I wasn’t unfaithful, not once.”’
‘Your son was called Simon?’ Josie said without thinking.
‘Yes.’ Cathy began to cry again. ‘And I let him down. I let him down so badly.’
‘So you had him adopted?’
Cathy nodded. ‘I always thought that one day I might meet up with him. But I’ve just found out that he… he doesn’t want anything to do with me, ever. Now I won’t be able to t – t – tell him how much I – I loved him. How I made the biggest mistake of my life: how I should never have given him up.’
Josie grabbed a handful of tissues from the cube by the side of the bed and passed them to Cathy.
‘How come Rich never found out?’ she said, wiping at her eyes too. ‘You can hardly explain a bump like that away.’
‘I kept it hidden for a long time with baggy clothes. Then when it came to the time that I couldn’t hide it any longer, I stopped seeing him. I told him that I was ill, kept in touch by phone and letter. I still don’t know to this day how I got away with it. I guess he must have trusted me. I rang a friend I’d made when I was in care. She was the only person that knew about Simon; the only person I knew I could trust to help me out and keep quiet. I knew she wouldn’t judge me either. Tina let me stay for two months, until I’d had him. Then I came back home and started to see Rich again.’
‘I can’t believe he didn’t find out, given how quickly rumours fly around this estate.’
‘He wasn’t suspicious about it, I suppose, because no one he knew saw me around so he could think I was holed up somewhere with a dreadful bug. And Terry Lewis – that’s the father’s name – kept his mouth shut.’
‘He would, the low life.’ Josie knew of Terry and his family. ‘He’d be scared of what Rich would have done to him.’
Cathy sniffed before blowing her nose loudly. ‘I couldn’t risk losing Rich if he found out the truth.’
‘Oh, Cathy. Is that why you didn’t have any more children?’
‘No! I knew I could get pregnant so I assumed there must have been something wrong with him. It might have been me: some sort of complication at the birth, though I can’t recall anything going wrong. That’s why I didn’t push the fact that he didn’t want to go for tests. If he had ever found out –’
‘And you’ve kept this to yourself for all those years? That’s so brave.’
‘It’s not brave at all.’ Cathy shook her head. ‘I was a coward, afraid to face up to my responsibilities.’
‘No, that’s not how it was,’ Josie disagreed. ‘You were young and frightened. You did what you thought was best at the time.’
‘No. I did what was best for me.’
‘And what about now? You must feel better that you’ve told someone about it?’
‘No, I feel like I’ve been robbed of the chance to say I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘In the back of my mind, I’ve lived for the day that I can see his face again. I prayed that his new family would love him but he became too much of a handful and they gave him away. How must he feel now? That must seem like a double whammy – the boy that nobody wanted.
‘Every year on his birthday, I lig
ht a candle for the baby that I lost. Somehow I always believed I’d meet him when the time was right. It was selfish of me really. All I want to do is to say sorry to him, so that my conscience is clear. But it never will be. He hates me, Josie. He’ll never forgive me.’
She started to cry again. This time it took her a long time to stop.
Cathy didn’t sleep much that night. She’d switched off her mobile phone when a few texts arrived and she hadn’t left her room since. Becky had brought coffee and toast up twice but she’d left them all untouched. Even now as a new day was breaking, she was still going over and over the events that led to the ache in her heart.
She was so grateful that she had Josie to talk things through with. As usual, she’d been right there for her. Cathy knew she was lucky. Even with Rose gone, Josie was someone she could call a friend, no matter what her job involved. She was the salt of the earth. She would tell her whether she was right or wrong, even if it wasn’t what Cathy wanted to hear.
It had felt so good to share her secret after all those years. Time after time Josie had said she shouldn’t blame herself for what had happened to Simon. Cathy told her how she’d often prayed that he would turn up, out of the blue, having tracked her down. There was no doubt that Rich would have been shocked at first but she’d always hoped that he would have accepted the situation, once he’d had time to digest the facts.
She began to cry again. Oh, why hadn’t she told Rich the truth? She’d betrayed both of them, her son and her husband. But Rich had been betrayed the most. She’d been deceitful to him every day, until the day he’d been so cruelly taken from her.
She punched the pillow. Then again, and again.
Why, why, WHY?
Why had she lied to the man that had meant everything to her?
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Jess popped her head round the kitchen door to find Becky sitting at the table busy clicking buttons on her phone. ‘Do you fancy coming out tonight?’