Dr. Nora Carson’s office was located on the third floor of a five-story building constructed entirely of steel and glass, which was much like every other building downtown. It sat on the outskirts of the colony and had a impressive view of the sprawling silvery cityscape, the crystal-clear Lethe River that wound through it, and the emerald-colored jungles beyond. Unfortunately for Amy’s mood, black, low-hanging clouds hung over the colony and rain poured down. Not exactly cheering her up.
Nora’s office was entirely neutral in color. All gray leather furniture, walls, and carpeting. Amy guessed that the coloring had some psychological purpose, but then again, perhaps it was just the color Nora preferred. She just didn’t know her well enough to know for sure. The only personal touches to the otherwise bland office, were her numerous plants and the many orange candles that scented the air like an orange grove.
This was Amy’s third visit to this building and only the second time meeting Nora. And although she always had difficulty speaking freely, Amy did like having someone to talk to. Something she rarely had the opportunity to do. The last time Amy was here, most of their session was psychological testing and she had very little time to talk to Nora, but she had felt comfortable around her. Just before she left that day, Amy asked how old she was. Nora was twenty-two. It didn’t really matter that Nora was more than ten years younger than Amy. The doctor seemed friendly enough. She just wasn’t convinced that Nora could help her. Maybe no one could. But, she was willing to give her a try.
Amy knew that their conversation today would be about why she was there and what was troubling her. Amy wanted to tell her everything, but this morning’s events made her relationship even harder to explain. And she didn’t want to give Nora the wrong impression. There was no way to tell Nora her story without making it seem like everything was Cord’s fault.
At this moment, her mind was too preoccupied with what was going to happen when Cord returned home, which made her even less likely to speak. All Amy could do was sit on the sofa and wring her hands nervously. Fortunately, each time Amy went silent, Nora continually gave her prompts. Amy had been in her office for roughly six minutes, but perhaps only one or two were actually filled with words.
“Do you know the etymology of your name?” Nora asked, giving her another prompt.
“Huh?” It was a question seemingly out of nowhere and it caught Amy off guard. She looked from her hands to Nora sitting in the armchair next to her.
“Your name,” Nora said. “Do you know where it originated?”
“You mean Amy?”
Today, Nora was dressed in matching white slacks and blouse. She always seemed to wear white, which Amy didn’t understand. White clothes dirtied easier and showed every little stain. That, and it would get boring wearing the same color clothes every day.
“Your full given name is Amytis, isn’t it?” Nora asked.
“Yes. I guess I didn’t know it had any history to it.”
“It does and I’ll tell you the story.” Nora smiled. “According to legend, the Babylonian king, Nebuchadnezzar II, married the princess of Medes. Her name was Amytis. And she was soon very unhappy. Her homeland was mountainous, green, and full of plants and animals. Babylon was anything but. It was flat, dusty, and lifeless. Because his new wife was so homesick, and because he was so in love with her, Nebuchadnezzar ordered an engineering project on a scale that mankind had never attempted before. He had built Earth’s first aqueduct system in order to reroute water from a mountain, just for this project, just for his wife. This was 500 years before the Romans got credit for inventing the aqueduct. Anyway, when it was done, the king finally revealed it to Amytis. It was a wondrous garden, and every tree and plant was from her homeland. She loved it. Soon after, the word of this wondrous marvel reached the four corners of the Earth. It has since become known as one of the Seven Wonders of the World: the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.”
“I wish my husband loved me like that,” Amy muttered. “He doesn’t even remember my birthdays anymore.”
“Let’s talk about that,” Nora said. “Tell me about your marriage.”
Amy shrugged, then her eyes went right back to her lap.
“Okay, wrong question,” Nora said. “Let’s start somewhere else. Last week you told me that your husband works for Guardian Security Systems, but do you work? Or volunteer? Or do things outside the home?”
Amy shook her head.
“That’s fine. Do either of you have any money problems? Debts, gambling issues, excessive spending habits?”
“No,” Amy muttered.
“So, he works during the day and you stay home, I’m assuming?”
Amy nodded.
“Who does the chores,” Nora asked. “Who does the cooking, dishes, shopping, laundry, lawn.”
“Cord’s busy. He spends all day at work, and even at night he has conference calls and reports to read.”
“I don’t need the reasons why your husband isn’t doing chores. I asked who does them.”
“I do.” Amy admitted.
“Do you like that arrangement?”
Amy shrugged.
“Who decided that things were going to be that way? Where he works and you stay home to do the chores. Was that an agreement? Or did it just end up that way?”
Not knowing how to answer, Amy didn’t reply.
“Do you two talk about your relationship?”
Amy shook her head.
“Do you two argue?”
Once more, Amy could do nothing but stare at her hands.
“I see. So, when you disagree on something, do you at least say what’s on your mind?”
Another question Amy couldn’t reply to, but knew the answer. Of course she couldn’t say anything if she disagreed. It would only upset Cord more.
“Are you unhappy?”
Amy blinked.
“Have you told Cord whatever you’re unhappy about?”
Amy shrugged again.
“I know some of my questions are rather pointed, but I’m trying to get you to open up. To respond. Even if its to tell me I’m wrong.”
Amy didn’t know what to say, other than she didn’t really mind Nora’s approach. She wasn’t accustomed to sharing much personal information, and never been one to spread gossip. What people did at home was their own business.
Once more, when Amy didn’t reply, Nora continued. “I know you’re being quiet for a reason. And in order to help you, I need to understand you. I need to know what’s truly bothering you. So, a lot of what I’m doing is taking wild guesses. Just to see if any of it rings true. And if I’m wrong, please feel free to correct me. I want you to feel free to talk about anything here.” Nora paused, probably expecting Amy to say something. She didn’t. “So, I’m guessing Cord is the boss. He’s, more or less, decided the relationship roles.”
Amy nodded.
“And when he’s been upset in the past, have you told him your opinions, how you feel, ever stood up to him?”
“Once.”
That was the day Amy understood she needed to keep her opinions to herself. He’d blackened both of her eyes that day. Her face was swollen for a week. But, none of this she could admit to Nora.
“Are you afraid of your husband, Amy?”
Amy nodded.
“Has he ever hit you before?”
It seemed better to remain silent. Yes, she wanted to say, but she couldn’t answer the question in a way that wouldn’t sound like Cord was a wife-beater. He wasn’t. She didn’t like it, but she knew there was a line to never cross. He only hit her when she didn’t do what she was told, or when she mouthed off. There were consequences for crossing the line, but he never beat her, just to beat her.
Amy meant for her lack of an answer to be taken as an answer.
After a long moment of silence, Nora continued. “Tell me, Amy. Why are you unhappy? Give me some details to work with.”
No answer.
“Are you lonely?”
Amy
shrugged again.
“When Cord goes to work, what do you do with your day? And I’m not referring to chores.”
“When I’m done with housework, I read books”
“You like to read?”
It was safe to answer that question, she looked up at Nora. “Yes. I literally have hundreds of books at home. I’ve almost read them all.”
“Do you go anywhere besides the supermarket and the bookstore?”
Amy paused to think. “Sometimes I get my hair and nails done.”
“Do you talk to people when you go out?”
“Not usually.”
“Why not?”
“I guess...” Amy couldn’t say it was because she’d be in trouble if Cord found out. “I don’t know.” Maybe it was that she knew Cord didn’t like it. Guilt, in a way.
“Last week, I saw you smile,” Nora said. “With a smile like yours, you should be sharing it with everyone.”
Maybe, Amy thought, but she had nothing to smile about. Last week it was a smile when she realized that Nora might be able to help her. But, she hasn’t smiled in joy, or laughed, in a very long time.
“Why won’t he love me?” Amy didn’t mean to blurt that out, but it escaped her lips anyway. Now she felt like she’d just betrayed Cord. She felt like an idiot.
“No one can force one person to love another. Either they do or do not. It’s like mixing two chemicals together. Sometimes they blend together and create something new. Sometimes it’s like oil and water and as hard as you might try, the two will never mix.”
Amy’s gaze returned to her hands in her lap.
“Amy?” Nora paused. When Amy looked up, Nora seemed to be searching for the right words. “Things with Cord, have they always been bad for you? You’ve had good times, too. Haven’t you?”
She knew that Nora couldn’t help if Amy never shared any information. And since she did want help, now seemed like a good place to start talking.
Amy muttered, “At first everything was perfect. Then, not so good. He had some affairs, but that was probably my fault. He said it was. Then my accident happened and things were very good for a while. Now they’re even worse. Sometimes I think he’s having an affair again.”
“How long ago was your accident?”
“Eight months ago.”
“What kind of accident? How serious was it? Were you hospitalized?”
Amy nodded. “We have a swimming pool in our backyard. It was during a bad storm and I was trying to get the furniture off the patio before the high winds blew the chairs into the pool. Because I never learned how to swim, I wouldn’t be able to get them if they went to the bottom of the pool. Anyway, as I ran back and forth gathering chairs, I slipped on the wet patio, hit my head on the concrete, and I was the one that went to the bottom of the pool. The last thing I remember was thinking I was about to die. Then I woke up in the hospital. They said I was in serious condition for a while, but I don’t remember any of it. I just woke up and Cord was right there next to me. He was like the man I married again. I was so happy that day, I cried.”
“I’m so sorry, Amy.”
“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Everything I do is wrong.”
“The last time we met, you said you had one friend. Mary Ann, was it?”
“Miriam. She’s not really a friend, but sometimes I wish she was. I don’t have any friends at all. Miriam, she lives next door. Guardian Security owns the whole subdivision, so I think she works for Guardian, too. I do talk to her sometimes. I just have to do it when Cord’s not home. And only for a few minutes at a time.”
“Does Miriam seem like she wants to be your friend?”
Amy nodded. “She invites me over for coffee all the time. I just can’t go. And she brought me to my appointment today because Cord wouldn’t take me.”
“Good.” Nora smiled. “You should spend time with Miriam. And if you get a chance, do it before we meet again. Do something together. Go visit her and drink coffee. Talk to her. Get some of these things off your chest. You’d be surprised how much better you’ll feel simply because you have a friend to confide in.”
Amy nodded. “I could do that. Miriam’s nice. But, I’d still have to do it when Cord’s not home.”
“And tell me, Amy. Why are you still married to Cord?”
After a long moment of thought, Amy finally whispered, “I have nowhere to go.”
“Sorry,” Nora said. “I know that was blunt. I wanted to see how you’d answer it. You’re doing great, and I’m glad you’re opening up. Can I ask you another personal question?”
Amy nodded.
“Do you yearn for anything? Dream of something other than being a housewife?”
Amy shrugged. “I’m not good at anything else.”
“We all want to be happy, to explore the world, to feel loved. You’re no different. Maybe you just don’t remember that you’ve yearned for things before, or dreamed of what life would be like if you did A, B, or C.”
“What if I am different? What if this is all I’ll ever be? What if I’m not meant to be anything other than Cord’s wife and take care of his house?”
“You know,” Nora paused for a long moment. “Have you ever done any gardening?”
Amy nodded.
“Okay,” Nora said. “How can you expect a flower garden to be beautiful, without care? If you simply planted your seeds in a dark cellar, you’d be lucky if you ended up with any flowers at all. They’re not going to flourish unless you give them what they need to thrive. And flower gardens take more work than just planting them outdoors. They need to be pruned, the weeds pulled from around them, and someone needs to give them water when nature isn’t giving them enough. Beautiful flower gardens thrive because of the care and attention you give them. A relationship is like that, except it takes two gardeners. Without two people attending and caring for the relationship, you won’t get flowers.”
Amy could see her point. There was one person in this marriage that didn’t want it to be beautiful thing.
Nora continued. “I’m going to make another unsubstantiated observation. And hopefully it’ll get you to correct me because its probably entirely way off base. Okay?”
Amy nodded.
“You have all the ingredients for happiness,” Nora said, “but not happiness itself. You don’t know what’s missing, but you certainly feel it. You have low self-esteem, no intimacy, and anxiety over everything, including talking to people. And honestly, I’m not saying that’s your fault. You probably weren’t always this way. Something happened and you ended up here. Is that how you see it?”
Amy shrugged. Unlike what Nora had just said, she wasn’t entirely off base. Amy had the same thoughts herself.
“Even though you won’t say it, I know you don’t like your situation,” Nora continued. “As you followed the road that led to your dreams, you took a wrong turn, and because all you see is a dead end, you’ve accepted this as the end of the road. And as this relationship slips further and further away, you’re just hoping to maintain it by giving up more and more, even when you know it’s not what you want.”
Nora paused to study Amy’s face. If she was looking for a reply, Amy had nothing for her. Amy didn’t want to hear this, but it was probably a truth she should have faced a long time ago.
“Either two people grow together or they grow apart. Your husband has made his own happiness, but he can’t give you yours. His money won’t buy your happiness, and you can’t make yourself happy by pleasing others. If you want a family, friendships, intimacy, and fun, then go after them. And if that’s what you want, then unfortunately no one is going to hand them to you. And I know you feel trapped, but there’s always a way out. Sometimes we can’t see the one ideal solution because we’re not looking at it the right way. And, yes, you need to think about these things, because you’ll never be who you were meant to be by being what others want you to be. I know I’m being a bit vague, but does that m
ake any sense?”
Amy felt her eyes tearing up again. She sucked in a deep breath, hoping she could make it through this without crying. She nodded. As much in agreement as wanting her to continue.
“Amy, there are many variables to any relationship, but nothing is certain. If Cord doesn’t love you now, he’s not suddenly going to start. If he’s neglecting your needs now, he’ll continue to do it. If he’s hitting you now, that will only get worse. However you look at this, whatever road you take, it always ends the same way. Once he’s completely tired of you, he’ll force you to move out and you’re living on the streets. Or worse. You could end up in the hospital. You should consider whether staying is the best thing for you.”
“I... I can’t,” Amy muttered, then she tried to sniffle back the tears threatening to spill from her eyes. “I can’t leave him.”
Nora reached over to the glass table between them and pulled out a tissue. After handing it to Amy, she added, “Amy, I’m not telling you what to do. But if you’re saying you need some sort of assistance to get out, I know people who can help.”
The tears that Amy was trying to hold back trickled down her cheeks.
And Nora’s advice wasn’t advice Amy could take. She was stuck where she was and both she and Cord knew it.
“I can’t, Dr. Carson,” Amy pleaded. “I belong to him.”
“Amy, forgive me. Professionally, it’s not my place to tell patients what to do. I’m supposed to be helping you figure out what’s best for you. Let you come up with your own conclusions. Healthy ones. I’ve seen the results of your tests. And if I didn’t sense this was far worse than you’re telling me, I certainly wouldn’t have said anything at all.”
Nora moved and sat down beside her. “I’m trying to be a friend, Amy. You have so much to live for. And respect, love, and happiness are things we all need. It’s all being kept from you. I know you feel trapped. Your husband has everything he wants and keeps you dependent on him for everything you need. And that’s not your fault. You deserve better, Amy. let me help you before it’s too late.”
“I CAN’T!” Amy screamed.
III
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