Wanting to Remember, Trying to Forget (Meet the Shepards #1)
Page 26
“Suppressing your feelings for Max.”
She was the one who was irritated now. “Don’t you guys get it? I’ve never had feelings for Max. We were completely platonic. I only ever saw him as a friend.”
“Now look who’s lying.” Amber reached into her purse and pulled out her cell phone. A few seconds later, she turned it to Danny. “This was before the accident. Where’s this feeling?”
Danny only caught a glimpse of her powder blue dress and the dimple on his left cheek before she felt a sharp pain in her chest. She quickly turned away and shut her eyes.
“Look at the picture,” Amber urged softly.
She shook her head, afraid to try again.
“Danny, look at the picture.”
She glanced at it again, but that brown hair, those brown eyes caused a scorching burn to rip through her body and she turned away again.
“Look at the fucking picture!” Charlie shouted.
He grabbed the phone from Amber’s hand and held it front of her face, his other hand gripping her head so she had no other choice but to look at it.
She tried to shut her eyes but this was what her body and mind had been begging for the whole week and all she could do was stare. Stare at the dimple that God had placed on the perfect spot on his cheek. When she looked at herself, everything inside her stopped working. The way she looked at Max, the feeling encompassed in her hazel eyes. It was the same moment, the same look that had made her realize she was in love with him.
Her stomach clenched and the floodgates opened, releasing every emotion she had squashed and tossed aside. The memories began to swirl around her head again, every blissful moment she had spent with him. She gasped for air, trying to slow it down. It was overwhelming and her body couldn’t handle all the mayhem. The room was spinning and nausea took hold of her stomach. She convulsed and felt bile rise up in her throat. She was hyperventilating now; either in the middle of a panic attack or a nervous breakdown. No matter which one it was, it could only end badly.
Amber studied her with worried eyes. “Danny, are you alright?”
Charlie’s face also wrinkled with concern. “Oh, fuck, Amber. I think we broke her.”
Danny could only hear their voices. Their faces were blurred by the frequent flashing of fleeting images. “I think…” she said unsteadily as her body continued to shudder with convulsions. “I think…I think I’m gonna be sick.”
She pushed past both of them and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her. She threw herself over the toilet, heaving with nothing coming up.
The look on his face the day he left. All the things she had said to him that day. Add guilt and regret to everything she was already feeling and her stomach flipped over again. Her mind tormented her, taunting her with her own heartless words. How could she say those things to him? To the man she loved? It was so stupid!
She had had too many thoughts and emotions when she regained her memory. As some kind of coping mechanism, she shut all of it off and decided to focus on just one thing. The first thing she fixated on was Richard. Her feelings for him had forced their way to the front and Max was pushed to the backseat. And she had kept him there all this time. Day after day, he would pop up. Day after day, something inside her begged to relive those memories, but she pushed it out of her head. She had been afraid that exploring those feelings would lead to a breakdown and that’s exactly what was happening now.
“Did you see that?” she heard Charlie say from the other side of the door. “It was like a fucking exorcism.”
“Unbelievable,” Amber replied before tapping on the door. “You okay in there?”
“Fine,” Danny responded weakly, hurling more nothing into the toilet bowl.
Amber was right. What he did wasn’t unforgivable and now looking back without anger clouding her hindsight, she understood why he did it. He had been in love with her for so long and she refused to acknowledge it, refused to see what was right in front of her.
She had resented him for lying to her, but now she realized that even if he had told her the truth, she would have ended up falling in love with him anyway. It would have been impossible not to. The pictures and videos all proved that she was in love with him before the accident. All she needed was a clean slate and a fresh pair of eyes to see it.
After about twenty minutes, the convulsions finally stopped and she had enough strength to stand up. But now thinking with a clear head, the full weight of their argument last week came crushing down on her.
“Oh, God, Amber,” she gasped, opening the door. “What have I done?”
“You can fix this,” Amber said quickly. “Get yourself cleaned up. You can still catch him before he leaves.”
She took a few minutes to brush her teeth and change into a decent pair of jeans and a V-neck sweater. She grabbed her purse and raced to the front door.
“Where do I go?” she asked in a despairing whisper.
Charlie checked his watch. “His flight only leaves in a few hours. He’s probably still at the motel. Sand and…Sand and Surf…no…Surfin’ Sands.”
She nodded. “Thanks, Charlie…for everything.”
“Yeah,” he responded tersely. “But if you hurt him again, I will rip your fucking—”
“I won’t,” Danny said.
She understood then that Charlie only tolerated her when Max was happy. She gave Amber a quick hug to show her appreciation and ran off.
* * *
Danny exhaled a breath of relief when she saw his car in the parking lot of Surfin’ Sands motel. She parked her car beside his and quickly wiped the tears that had been streaming down her face the whole drive there. Heavy gray clouds rolled in above her, darkening the sky even though it was only five o’ clock.
It wasn’t too late, she told herself as she got out. She could fix this. Yet her legs felt as heavy as lead as she walked towards the motel rooms.
She was afraid to face him. An angry Max was hard to deal with. A hurt Max even more so. But when Max was angry and hurt, he should be avoided at all costs. There was no telling what awaited her on the other side of the door, but she was willing to take anything if it meant she could get him back.
She noticed the door of room 307 was slightly ajar and a familiar suitcase stood at the entrance. That was his room. Room 307 was the room she had woken up in at the hospital. It was where they had made a fresh start and she was hoping that it would mean the same thing now.
She slowly pushed the door open and stepped inside. She saw him at the bed, tossing his clothes into another suitcase. Fine stubble lined his jaw and he looked like he hadn’t slept in days.
“Hey,” she greeted softly.
He didn’t respond.
“Max?”
He continued packing, not even taking a second to acknowledge her presence.
“Can we talk?”
His jaw clenched. He still didn’t say anything, but at least that was some kind of reaction. His body tensed as she approached him so she stopped a few feet away.
“Max?” she said cautiously.
He slammed the bag shut and zipped it up. Photographs of the two of them fluttered to the floor as he pulled it off the bed and headed for the door. She quickly stepped in front of him.
His nostrils flared slightly and when he spoke, his voice was low and acerbic. “Get out of my way.”
He stepped to the right and she stepped in front of him. He stepped to the left and she stepped in front of him. He continued trying to move past her, but she kept blocking his path.
“Max, stop. Stop…Stop.” She lifted both hands in front of him. “Please stop and talk to me.”
“Talk? Now you wanna talk?” He sneered and tried to move past her but she stepped in front of him again.
“Stop!”
He flung his suitcase across the room and spun around, clasping his hands behind his head. “Fuck!”
When he turned back to face her, those playful brown eyes were dead inside.
His derisive tone told her to choose her words carefully. “I was just confused. Everything came back so fast and I just wanted to focus on one thing at a time. Richard…was the first person I thought about and—”
“Of course. Richard always comes first.”
His sarcasm was pushing her to breaking point. “Max, you’re not listening to me. I thought I was in love with Richard, but today Amber and Charlie came over…and they convinced me that you’re the one I’m actually in love with.”
“Really, Danny?” His face dropped. “They had to convince you that you actually had feelings for me?”
“That was the wrong word,” she said instantly, shaking her head at her stupidity. “That was the wrong thing to say. It wasn’t like that. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know how to make you understand what happened.”
“Oh, I understand. Somewhere along the line you realized that Richard never cared about you. Option one didn’t work out so you’re coming back for option two.” Leaning forward, he placed his elbows on his thighs. A humorless smile twitched briefly on his face, but it disappeared just as fast and was replaced with hostility. “Here’s the thing, though. I’ve had you. It wasn’t that long ago when those lips were only mine, when your body begged for only me. I know what it’s like to have all of you and I can’t go back to being second best anymore.”
Tears fogged her eyes. “You were never second best, Max. I don’t want Richard. I don’t want anyone else. I know I said some awful things. I was angry at the time. I didn’t mean any of it. Can’t we find a way to put it behind us?”
“We?” A sardonic smirk curved on his lips. “There is no we. You and I never should’ve happened.”
Now she knew how he felt last week. The brutality of her own words hit her like a ton of bricks.
He shifted on the bed, idly unravelling loose strings from the cheap sheets. “You wanna know why I lied to you?” He didn’t even look up to see what her response was. “I was so tired of being invisible, so desperate to have you.” His eyes met hers then. “And I thought…if I could kiss you…just once…have you see me…just once, it would be worth it. Even if you found out the truth and hated me forever…if I just had that…it would be worth it.” He stood up and she saw anger flash in his eyes. “But it isn’t worth it. This ache right here…” He slammed his fist against his chest. “…just isn’t worth it. Remembering the ecstasy on your face every time we made love only for you to turn around and say that I forced you into my bed…It isn’t worth it. Listening to you tell me that you love another man after everything we’ve shared isn’t fucking worth it!”
The vein on side of his neck ticked with ferocity. His temper was rising and she was almost scared of what else might come out of his mouth.
What goes around comes around. He had told twice before to watch what she said and she had not heeded the warnings. Now all the despicable things she had told him were coming back to bite and every word that left his lips was dripping with unmitigated resentment. This was seven years of pent-up aggression and she had hurt him too many times, took him for granted too many times.
“You don’t know what it’s like,” he said, “to wake up every morning knowing that the happiest moments in my life were all a lie. You don’t know what it feels like to yearn for a woman who doesn’t even know I’m there, to sit back and watch her date jerk after jerk and not even see me.”
He stormed towards her, raging and relentless. She backed up, taking quick steps until her back hit the wall. He placed his hands on either side of her, trapping her between his arms so there was no escaping his wrath.
“Max—”
“You don’t know what it feels like to love someone so completely and then hear her say that none of it was fucking real.” His voice grew louder, thundering in her ears. “You don’t know what it’s like to remember everything and Still. Feel. This. EMPTY!”
His fist pounded against the drywall beside her head as he said each of the last four words, cracking through its flimsy exterior. His hand hovered over her face, desperate to touch her, but he didn’t give in to the urge. Somehow not having any contact hurt more than the day he had taken her so viciously in the bathroom.
As if he couldn’t take the sight of her anymore, he dropped his head, huffing out air in choked gasps. His eyes caught sight of the scar he loved so much, peeping out at the top of her V-neck sweater, and that was all it took to utterly destroy him.
His breathing became more unsteady, hitching and staggering as tears rolled down his cheeks. Driven by habit, he raised his hand and slowly moved his fingers over the scar and even though she knew he was aching to touch her, he still didn’t do it. Clenching his hand into a tight fist, he stepped back. “You need to leave.”
“No…Max, we can—”
“Just go.”
She shook her head, not wanting to accept that they could actually be over. She was going to fight for him. “No. We’re stronger than this.”
He ran one hand over his tear-drenched face. “Danny, please…please…I’m begging you. Just go.”
The pain etched on his face was unbearable to see and it was even more agonizing to know that she was the cause of it. “I’m not going,” she said shakily as tears filled her eyes.
“Then I’ll leave.” He walked across the room and picked up the bag that he had thrown.
Unable to keep her weak body up, she fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, feeling completely helpless because she couldn’t fix what she had broken.
He stopped on his way out and knelt down beside her. “Hey,” he whispered.
She couldn’t look at him, couldn’t face him knowing he was going to leave her behind.
“Danny?”
She shook her head, crying her heart out instead of looking up at him.
“Danielle…”
She knew by way he said her name that the words I forgive you were not on the other side of the loaded silence, but she lifted her head to meet those desolate brown eyes. Maybe it was because he had calmed down, or maybe it was because he felt nothing, but he touched her then, gently stroking the tears off her cheek. To see that kind of tenderness after all that rage was soul-shattering.
“I gave you me,” he said softly. “All of me…and you didn’t want it…and you gave me you…but it wasn’t real…so now we have to let this go.”
“Max, please don’t…” It came out of her as hiccups through her sobs. “Please don’t leave. It doesn’t have to end this way. It doesn’t have to end at all.”
He ignored her begging, reached into his pocket, and took out a small blue suede box. “This was for you. I have no use for it now.” His hand wove into her short hair and he pulled her closer to place a long kiss over the scar on the side of her head. Dropping the box in front of her, he stood up and headed for the door. He picked up his other bag before he slowly turned to face her again. “Maybe you want to remember, Danny…but I’m trying to forget.”
“Max!” she called out, but he was already gone.
It couldn’t be over. Seven years. How could it be over?
She slowly reached for the suede box and when she opened it, fresh tears spilled out of her. Removing the exquisite diamond ring from the casing, she clutched it to her chest. He was going to propose and now it was over. It was her fault. He had played a part but mostly it was her fault. From blazing fire to dead ashes, that was what their relationship had become. How could two people who loved each other so much, destroy something beyond repair? She felt like someone had wrapped both hands around her heart and was squeezing it so tight she couldn’t breathe.
This abyss of em
ptiness threatened to consume her. It was devastating. It was suffocating. She was drowning. Only this time, Max wasn’t there to save her.
Seven years and this was how it was going to end? No. It wasn’t over. She would make this right. She wasn’t going to lose him. She wasn’t going to let him go so easily. She took her car keys out of her pocket and ran out of the room.
* * *
Danny zoomed into a disabled parking bay right outside the airport entrance. She didn’t care if they clamped her tires. She didn’t care if she got a fine. Nothing was going to stop her. She ran into the building and raced straight through to Departures.
She cut in front of the long line and ignored the swearing and angry remarks coming from the people behind her. Nothing was going to stop her.
She had just pushed past the metal detectors, when a hard hand slammed against her chest and pushed her back. Danny looked up and saw the broad, burly person the hand belonged to. It could be a man. It might be a woman.
“Boarding pass?” The thick, gruff voice gave no further clues to its gender.
“I don’t have a boarding pass,” she said and more grumbles erupted behind her.
“Miss, I can’t let you through without a boarding pass.”
“My…my boyfriend has it. He already came through here. Just let me get to him and I’ll show it to you.”
“Darlin’, if he came through here without you, I’m sorry to say, but he doesn’t want you tagging along. I think you need to accept the fact that you just got dumped.”
Danny had to suppress her urge to punch him/her/it in the face.
The attendant looked past her to the person behind her. “Next.” He/She/It pushed her back through the metal detectors. “No boarding pass. No entry.”
Okay, so maybe something could stop her. On to plan B.
Danny spun on her heel and raced back the way she came until she spotted a security guard. “Hi,” she said breathlessly. “I need your help.”
* * *
Max stood up when he heard the boarding announcement for his flight go off on the loudspeaker. The plane ride would give him enough time to forge a believable smile and make up a decent excuse for why Danny had not come along.