by Donna Alward
She ran an agitated hand through her hair. This was going all wrong. She was supposed to come home, go inside and fall apart. She wasn’t supposed to be skulking in dark corners with Cooper! But his question brought her back to the present with a thud. The truth was, she was a mess. She didn’t know what she was feeling. So when he gave her arm a little shake, she snapped her head up and blurted out, “Look, I got my period, okay?”
His hands dropped to his sides. He groaned. “That’s a little TMI, isn’t it? All of this is because you’re hormonal?”
This time she drew back and punched him in the arm. “No, you idiot! I’ve been trying to have a baby!”
The words rippled through the air and she immediately pressed a hand to her mouth. She hadn’t meant to say it. Especially not like that.
Coop’s face went white and he looked as if he needed to sit down to digest what she’d just said. Stunned, he made his way to the stoop, motion light and all, and dropped his weight on the third step. “You’ve been...holy hell. With who?”
He turned his face toward her. Heat rose to her cheeks in embarrassment. For years she’d ignored the fact that once upon a time she’d have done anything to have his hands and lips on her like they’d been only moments ago. Now that they had been...it took her back to those days of desperately trying to get his attention. To make him see her as more than just a friend. And now he thought she was sexually involved with someone. At any other time it would be comical. In light of the situation, it was just plain awkward. “It’s none of your business.”
He swallowed, then turned those cursed bedroom eyes on her. He looked up at her from beneath those sooty lashes and said ominously, “From the way you were kissing me a moment ago, I’d say it is very much my business.”
“I was not kissing you! I mean, I was, but it was just that I’m such a mess and, oh Coop, you always complicate everything!”
Complicate was an understatement. It wasn’t just the past feelings making it awkward. She’d liked kissing him. A lot. After months and months of wishing he’d just disappear!
A rueful grin flickered over his face. “I don’t mean to.”
She sighed, then came over and sat beside him on the step, careful not to let her leg touch his. “Don’t say anything to anyone, please? No one knows. And it doesn’t matter now, anyway. This was my last chance.” She fiddled with a nub of denim on the knee of her jeans.
“What do you mean, your last chance? One, who have you been seeing? He can’t be from Cadence Creek, and you’re always working, so when have you had time to date? And two, you’re not even thirty. You have lots of time to have babies. You’ll probably get married again, you know?”
“I don’t want to get married again. Ever.”
Her voice was flat and definite.
“Aw, come on. Forever is a long time.”
She angled him a sideways look. “Yeah, well, I don’t have any burning desire to put myself in a position to be hurt and mocked and lied to again. No, thanks.”
“You know not every marriage is like that,” he reasoned.
“Well, I’ve been burned once. I don’t think I’m willing to chance it again.”
“Maybe you just haven’t met the right guy.”
The words shouldn’t have stung, but they did. They brought back every broken teenage dream she’d had, along with the sledgehammer of painful memories from the divorce. Add to that kissing Coop tonight. Clearly, he didn’t categorize himself as “the right guy”—he never had. And as such he never should have kissed her at all.
“I plan on doing this all on my own,” she explained, her tone a little sharp. “I haven’t been seeing anyone besides the lovely people at the clinic in Edmonton. Flying solo.”
He sat back. “Are you saying you’ve been going to a sperm bank?”
She nodded. “It’s called intrauterine insemination. This was my third try. I was really hoping it would take this time. I don’t have much in savings and I won’t borrow against the shop.”
He let out a huge breath. “So the crying and running from the party...”
“I was a few days late. I got hopeful that this time was it. I even wished on that stupid star the night you walked me home. And...”
She let the rest of that sentence hang. They’d worked through a bunch of stuff that night. Now she half wished he’d just left her alone. Of course, the other half was still sighing blissfully, remembering the magic of his lips just now.
“But why? Why now?”
She tucked her hands between her knees. “I always wanted kids. When my marriage broke up, we’d been trying, with no luck.” She looked over at Coop. “You probably knew that.”
“No, no I didn’t.” His gaze met hers. “I didn’t know you’d started trying.”
“Looking back, I think it was probably more me trying. Or maybe Scott trying and thinking he wouldn’t get caught dipping his nib in the company ink. He was more about himself than I ever realized. Oh, what a stupid cliché we were.”
Coop sighed. “I always knew he had a good ego. I didn’t think it had developed into such a big sense of entitlement. Not until...”
He didn’t have to finish the rest. She sighed. “Scott took everything from me, at least for a while. My marriage, my dream of a family, my self-respect...” She lifted her chin. “I got back my self-respect, and I found a way to support myself. Unfortunately, humans have yet to find a way to reproduce on their own. And the last thing I want to do is marry someone just to have a child. That’s ridiculous. So I did what I’ve been doing since the day I threw his stuff in the front yard. I did it myself.”
She sniffed. “At least I tried to. Didn’t turn out so great.”
Cooper didn’t say anything for a long time. She knew it probably sounded crazy to a guy like him. Heck, he was right, they weren’t even thirty yet. But he’d never been married, and there were days where she felt about fifty, not twenty-seven.
He dropped his forehead on his hand. “I should have found a way to make Scott see reason,” he mumbled. “To make him do the right thing. You should never have been put in this position.”
“Do you really think that’s accurate? Yes, Coop, I wish you’d told me. But would I want Scott back? I’ve had lots of time to think about it and the answer is no. Even if you had convinced him to break things off with her, I realize now that he probably would have done it again. He didn’t love me enough. I’d rather he was gone than settle for what he was prepared to give.”
“So you’re not still in love with him?”
She nearly choked. Almost laughed, but saw that Coop was dead serious. She folded her hands together. “Did you really think that? That I was still in love with him?”
“I’m not sure you ever get over someone you really love.”
She hesitated. Coop was hovering too close to a truth she’d suspected for quite some time. “Scott can’t hurt me anymore,” she whispered. “I promise.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that. No one should have to settle, you know?”
“I’d rather be alone than be the woman everyone talks about behind their hands. To be a laughingstock or worse...pitied. Poor Melissa, so oblivious that her husband is sleeping around. I’m well rid of him.”
Cooper reached over and took her hand. “For what it’s worth, he’s the one who should be pitied. Look what he threw away.”
Something warm curled within her. This was the Coop she remembered. Not the physical touching; he’d been careful not to cross that line. But he always knew what to say when things went sideways. He might tease her incessantly, but when the chips were down, he’d been around, and he’d say something to make her feel better.
It was a shame that he had also thrown that away, though by inaction, not by being a sleazebag. At least she could say that for him.
She let him in on a little piece of insight she’d never shared with anyone. “Yeah, well, I know that love-for-a-lifetime thing happens, but I’m not sure it’s meant to happen to me. Hence, me doing this on my own.”
“You’re a strong woman, Mel. Stronger than a lot of people give you credit for.”
She was surprised and pleased that after the initial shock, he wasn’t judging. “I don’t know about that. I’m sad, Coop. I really thought this time was it. I pictured putting together a nursery and buying cute baby things and thinking about next summer and the two of us taking walks in the summer sun. I wanted it so much. Now that’s not going to happen. I’m just so...disappointed.”
“You can’t try again?”
She shrugged. “When do you say enough is enough? Four tries? Five? When you start going into debt? There are other options. I’m just not ready to think about them quite yet.”
She knew very well that she could start the adoption process. But there was that little part of her that desperately wanted to experience everything about motherhood, including pregnancy. She wanted that rounded belly and the chance to feel her baby kick. She wanted to hear the heartbeat and see the ultrasound picture. She wasn’t sure she was ready to let go of that dream yet. She was going to have to let the dust settle and then think about a next step.
“I’m sorry. What are you going to do now?”
“You mean tonight? Or after that? Because I’m not exactly thinking long-term right now. I won’t be pursuing the idea for a little while, until I can think things through.”
He nodded. “And how about tonight? Are you going to be okay?”
She nodded. “I am now. I’ll go inside and uncork the bottle of wine I’ve been avoiding, you know, just in case. Then I’ll get up tomorrow and clean my house and probably go to the shop and get a jump start on Monday’s arranging. I’ve got a shipment coming Monday afternoon, and that’ll keep me busy.” She truly was feeling better, and she knew Coop was to thank for that. “It helped just to talk about it, you know? Anyway, do you want me to drive you home? Now you’re stranded here without a vehicle.”
“I can call my parents. One of them will run into town to get me.”
“That’s silly. It’s the least I can do after you talked me off my ledge. I’m fine now.” She held up two fingers, like a “scout’s honor” sign.
“Then that’d be great,” he replied.
This time she slid behind the wheel and moved the seat ahead while he got in the passenger side. The radio provided some sound in the car on the drive out to the Double C.
When Melissa turned off the road and through the iron gates, she sighed. She’d forgotten how impressive the ranch property was. The lane led straight up to a majestic house, flanked by the dark, hulking shapes of barns. Rolling fields extended for acres and acres. When she’d spent time here, she’d always felt as if she had room to breathe. It was wide-open spaces and serenity.
“I haven’t been out here for a long time,” she remarked. “I kind of forgot how big and beautiful it is.”
“I took over the running of it four years ago,” Cooper explained. “Though Dad still has a hand in decisions and works around the place whenever he wants.”
“No friction between you two?”
He laughed a little. “Not much. We think a lot alike, and I value his wisdom. He’s been doing this a long time.”
The headlights touched on the main house. It was large and impressive, but the shrubs and garden around it—his mother’s handiwork—kept it from seeming cold and impersonal. The front was lit with floodlights, illuminating the beige stucco, white trim and heavy wood door.
“Turn left,” he said, pointing to a drive leading away to a smaller structure tucked slightly behind the house. “I’m over there.”
She obediently turned. “When did you stop living in the main house?”
He chuckled. “Shortly after I took over and decided it was a bit lame to be living with Mom and Dad at my age. It’s not as big, but it’s big enough. Couple thousand square feet, four bedrooms.”
She stopped the car in front of the two-bay garage. “For that family you haven’t started yet?”
* * *
Cooper felt a strange mix of feelings at her question. He’d built the house at the same time that she was starting her business. It was his attempt at moving on and starting a new phase after something so painful. And it was strange talking to her about it, considering he’d held a torch for her for so long. Had he really had the asinine thought that this would be about letting go and moving on? The more time he spent with her, the more complicated his thoughts became. Especially after tonight, and finally kissing her the way he’d wanted to for years. It didn’t feel like an ending. It felt like a beginning. A beginning where he was walking on a tightrope.
“I do want that someday,” he admitted. “I always have.”
“Well, I hope you choose better than I did,” she answered, putting the car in Park.
She said it so easily, this suggestion about him finding a wife. What clearer indication did he need that she wasn’t interested in him? He should get that through his head by now. She only wanted to be friends. Any crush she’d had on him had died when they were sixteen, and the kiss tonight had simply been the result of high emotion. He needed to accept that. She was never going to love him in that way. No, instead she was in love with the idea of being a single mom. Doing it all herself.
So what was he doing, torturing himself by bringing up old history? She didn’t want him. Not anymore. And he had enough male pride to be a little put out that she felt better after talking. Wasn’t that just awesome.
“Thanks for the lift. Drive carefully, okay?”
“I’m fine now.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m sure. Thanks for the talk, Coop. I know I’ve been harsh but...it was almost like old times, you know? I always felt better after talking to you.”
Yeah. Just like old times. He’d done a lot of listening about how much she loved Scott. He was one patient, caring SOB.
But he didn’t say that. What he said was, “Anytime, Mel. I’m here for you anytime.”
He got out and shut the door, then stood in the dark watching her turn around and drive away. Her taillights disappeared down the road and he kicked at the dirt in the driveway.
Damned if he hadn’t meant every word. And he knew exactly where that left him.
Screwed. Because right now he was considering something so crazy, so impossible... It was the one way he might be able to finally make up for all the things he’d done wrong. And in order to give her the one thing she wanted most, he would have to let go of any lingering hopes of them ever being together.
CHAPTER SIX
MELISSA DID EXACTLY what she said she would. She went home, uncorked the bottle of wine, unearthed the emergency stash of chocolate and felt sorry for herself. Then she fell into bed, exhausted, and got up the next morning feeling even worse. She swallowed pain relievers with her orange juice to help with the ache in her head and her back, and then cleaned her house until it was spotless. She wanted to forget that the humiliation of last night had ever happened. But to do that, she’d have to forget kissing Coop, and that event was branded into her brain. Every sound, every touch, every taste.
She just had to try harder to put him out of her mind. She went into the shop to do some arranging. It never failed to divert her thoughts as she worked with the different blooms and color combinations. Fall hues were in and she liked working with the asters and mums and carnations, all in cozy orangey-rusts. But after the second cheerful bouquet—this one set in a very traditional cornucopia—went all wrong she knew she might as well give up. Her head wasn’t in it today. Neither was her heart.
She knew exactly where it was. It was at the Double C.
&nbs
p; She’d been surprised at how she’d opened up to Coop last night. Granted, he’d pressed her into it, but it had come as such a relief to finally just tell someone. And he hadn’t judged. At least, not much. Maybe because he’d been there when her whole life had gone into the toilet, and he understood the why behind her decision.
Now she was reminded of the friendship they’d shared before. Maybe he’d made a mistake. No, not maybe; he had. But he had also been caught in the middle, trying to do what was right.
Hmm. Was she forgiving him? She thought she had before, but now she wasn’t so sure. All she knew was that she wasn’t as angry. And that had come with the words she’d uttered last night about not wanting Scott back. She wished she’d found out about her ex-husband’s indiscretion a different way, but it would have been far worse to not know and spend years in a sham of a marriage. Her spidey senses told her that his affair wasn’t his first and probably wouldn’t have been his last. She’d been so wrong...about so many things.
Cooper could never know how affected she’d been by that kiss. How everything had seemed to fade away until all that was left was the sensation of finally being in his arms. Finally knowing exactly what he tasted like, and even more disturbing, realizing that it was somehow familiar, even though it had never happened before. All the hopped-up, tingly sensations today made it feel as if someone had reached in and turned the clock back to age fifteen.
But they weren’t love-struck kids anymore. They were adults. They’d been through stuff a lot more serious than not having homework done or losing a football game. More than ever, right now, Mel longed to be somewhere that felt familiar. Someplace like home, a touchstone to a past she’d once known and loved. The iron gates and majestic house at the Double C had sent a flood of familiarity through her last night, even in the dark. Maybe she’d take a drive out there today.
Or not. That was a bit obvious, wasn’t it? Resolutely she got out a pumpkin-shaped bowl and inserted a foam core in the center. For several minutes she worked on adding orange lilies, yellow daisies and poms, peachy-orange roses and crimson-veined carnations into a Thanksgiving arrangement. Frowning, she reached for a few spears of wheat and bunches of artificial cranberries just for a teensy pop of color.