by Donna Alward
He wanted Tess with him. All the way. He wanted her smiling and satisfied...sated and delighted. A resolution he nearly lost the battle with when her grip tightened on his arms and she moved in closer to press all her softness against him.
He tugged gently on her ear lobe. She gasped and arched into him. He grinned a lazy grin and did it again. She smelled of jellybeans and cake. Breathing her in was a treat in itself. The grin disappeared when she shifted restlessly against him, one of her hands plunging into his hair, her other arm winding around his neck.
He lost all sense of himself then, all sense of time. His mouth found hers and he fell into her, losing himself in the experience of kissing her, touching her, filling himself up with her essence like a man gorging on some vital nutrient he’d been lacking but had suddenly found.
The hunger built and built until kissing and touching was no longer enough. He needed—
A groan broke from him when she tore her lips from his and wrenched herself out of his arms. She stumbled to a sofa on the other side of the room. Seizing a cushion, she hugged it to her chest.
His chest rose and fell as if he’d spent the last hour roping yearlings. He wanted to stride over to where Tess sat, haul her back into his arms and propel this encounter through to its natural conclusion. He almost did, but common sense reasserted itself. Ty and Krissie were somewhere on the premises. This was not the ideal time for making love to Tess. He bit back an oath. ‘I’m sorry. The timing on that could’ve been better.’
She didn’t say anything. He wanted her to look at him, but she didn’t do that either.
He dragged in a breath, adjusted his stance and tried to quieten the stampeding of his blood. ‘Would you like to have dinner with me tonight? Jenny would love to babysit the kids and—’
‘No.’
He blinked.
She plumped the cushion up and set it back to the sofa. ‘There won’t ever be a good time for us, Cameron.’
‘But—’
‘Do you think I’m the kind of woman who jumps willy-nilly into bed with men I know I have no future with?’
‘No, I—’
She walked across and poked him in the chest. ‘Do you want me to fall in love with you so you can then break my heart? Will that mend your wounded ego and make you feel powerful and manly again? Will that show Lance that you’re over what he did to you?’
Her eyes blazed with a fire he hadn’t witnessed before, but her words left him chilled. ‘No!’ How could she put such a dreadful interpretation on his desire for her? ‘You’re beautiful, Tess. I find you fascinating and irresistible. I love kissing you.’
Colour flared in her cheeks. She backed up a step. ‘That may well be, but it’s been an emotional day. I refuse to be the distraction you need to distance yourself from all that’s happened this afternoon.’
He stabbed a finger at her. ‘You’re more than a distraction!’ She was wonderful and warm and she could make him laugh even when he was livid.
She folded her arms and lifted her chin. ‘How much more?’
A chill trickled down his backbone. For a short time today this woman had brought his old dream roaring back to life. She’d made him wonder if it were still possible. The arrival of his mother, Lance and Fiona had dashed that, had forced him to face reality again.
‘You still have no intention of forgiving Lance. You’re determined to hold on to your bitterness. What would it hurt to just let it go?’
His gut clenched. ‘How can you even ask that?’
She pressed a hand to her forehead. ‘There’s absolutely no point to this conversation. You have no intention of staying in Bellaroo Creek anyway, have you?’
He straightened and shoved his shoulders back. He wasn’t being made a fool of a second time. Not by Lance. Not by Tess. Not by anyone.
She gave a short laugh, obviously reading the resolution in his face. ‘Well, in the meantime I won’t let you turn me into some toy you can play with. I might’ve let my sister down, but I don’t deserve that. And the children certainly deserve better.’
He wanted Tess in every way a man would want a woman. If she were free and unencumbered he’d ask her to come to Africa with him. For fun. For adventure. No strings. His chest clenched. Maybe...
He closed his eyes. What was he thinking? Tess was all strings and he wanted no part of that. Besides she wanted the impossible. Forgive Lance? No chance. He made himself take a physical step away from her. His chest hurt, his groin ached, but he held firm.
Without even glancing at him, she headed for the door.
‘Tess...’ He could hardly speak for the bitterness that coated his tongue and lined his throat.
She turned in the doorway.
‘Whatever else has happened, you’ve not let Sarah down. You love her kids as if they’re your own. You’re giving them not just a good life but a great life. You’ve brought them laughter and joy and hope for the future. You never let Sarah down. If you’d known the true state of affairs you’d have returned home as soon as you could. And I don’t doubt for a single moment that she knew that. Saying you let her down by not returning home sooner is the same as saying she let you down because she didn’t tell you the truth sooner. Nobody let anybody down.’
She gripped her hands together, her eyes wide and wounded. He wished—
He cut the thought off. ‘There’s only one issue that I suspect would bring Sarah pain. How do you think she’d feel if she knew you’d turned your back on your music because of her?’
The confusion that flared in her eyes made him ache to go to her, to comfort her. But she didn’t want the kind of comfort he offered and he could hardly blame her. When she turned and left, he let her go.
* * *
Cam avoided Tess’s house for the next week. She attended his judo class on Wednesday. When they’d heard she was doing the class, another two mums had signed up too. The three of them had spent the majority of the class in fits of giggles. He hadn’t spoken to her one-on-one, though.
Instinct told him she needed time. He sure did. Time to rebuild his defences. Time to reinforce his plans for the future. Time to forget the impact of their kisses. Because after vowing not to, he’d almost fallen under the spell of that old dream again. Tess brought out that old weakness in him, and he was determined to fight it with everything he had.
Out of sight, though, didn’t mean out of mind.
And there was still the issue of her vegetable garden. His debt to her wouldn’t be cleared until he’d finished that.
The following Saturday he loaded the tray of his ute with all the tools he’d need—shovels, picks, hoes and a generous amount of cow manure—and headed for Tess’s. One good day should see the vegetable bed finished. He’d help her with the planting and give her tips on how to look after it.
And then he could walk away. Job done. Debt cleared.
He pulled in a breath when he arrived, and then set off towards the back of her house. Don’t think about that kiss! Work, that was what he had to think about. Work and digging and—
He rounded the side of the house and then pulled up short, unable to move another step.
Tess and the kids were dancing around the backyard, singing along to a pop song on the radio. And it wasn’t just any old singing and dancing. His chest clenched. They jumped and twirled and swooped with abandon. With complete unadulterated joy at being alive. As if this moment was the best moment that had ever existed and they were going to clutch it and hold it close and cherish it and live it before it could slip away.
It filled him with a yearning that almost buckled him at the knees.
Tess’s hips swayed and shook in a sexy rhythm and his mouth dried and his blood pounded. Her simple delight in the dance and the way she occasionally caught one of the children’s eyes and how their pleasure fed each
other’s left him breathless. He’d never seen anything like it.
He’d never experienced anything like it.
His heart started to thump and an ache pounded behind his eyes. He would never experience anything like it. This kind of exuberance, rapture, was alien to his family.
Duty, responsibility and self-reliance—those were all the things he’d been taught to value. Not joy. And no matter how much he might hunger for the same kind of closeness with his family that Tess and the kids shared, he knew it was beyond his reach.
Fiona had taught him that. Trying to reach for these heights with her had revealed it for the sham it had been. He had to stick to what he did know—duty, responsibility and self-reliance.
Without a word, he backed up a step, turned and headed for his car.
* * *
Tess spun around, arms outstretched as the song came to an end, feeling alive and young and grateful for Ty and Krissie’s laughter, when a flash of blue disappearing around the side of the house caught her eye.
She acted on instinct. ‘Hey, Cam!’ She tripped around the side of the house.
He froze. He didn’t turn around. Her heart surged against her rib cage. His back beckoned—so strong and muscled. So capable. Her fingers curled against her palms. ‘Anything we can do for you?’
‘Hey, Cam!’ Ty came rushing around the side of the house with Barney in close pursuit. ‘Look, I taught Barney how to shake hands.’
Cameron turned to watch the trick. He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. ‘That’s brilliant, Ty. He’s one smart dog.’
Those shadows in his eyes chafed at her. They made her want to go to him and offer herself to him, to offer the kind of comfort he wanted from her.
She glanced at Ty and Krissie, planted her feet and remained where she was.
‘I, uh...’ He rose from patting an ecstatic Barney. ‘Thought I might get a start on digging the bed for your vegetable garden.’
Bed? It brought a whole different picture to her mind that had nothing to do with gardening or vegetables. Heat that had nothing to do with the exertion of dancing surged into her cheeks. It took a moment to unknot her tongue. ‘That’d be great,’ she finally managed. ‘If you can spare the time, that is?’
‘Right.’
He didn’t move. She didn’t move. The air between them vibrated with all that remained unspoken.
With a superhuman effort she managed to shake herself out from beneath the heavy, suffocating blanket that tried to descend over her. She clapped her hands. ‘Right! Let’s help Cam unload his tools.’
They all set to work. Digging, she decided an hour later, wasn’t a bad antidote to restlessness. Other than to issue instructions or to check his directions, she and Cam barely spoke. But as they worked side by side together the tension slowly dissipated. She liked having him in her backyard again. She frowned at that thought. He’d been a great friend.
He’d be a better lover.
Whoa!
She pushed the thought away, thrust her shovel into the ground, and pushed her hands into the small of her back, groaning as her muscles protested.
Cam sent her a grin that filled her to the brim with renewed energy. ‘Sore?’
‘No wonder you’re so fit if you do this kind of work day in and day out. All I can say is thank God it’s lunchtime. I’ll go rustle up something to eat.’
A short while later they all sat in the sun munching sandwiches and apples.
Krissie glanced up. ‘Auntie Tess?’
‘What, chickadee?’
‘It’s a big vegetable garden, isn’t it?’
‘Well, I’m not an expert on vegetable gardens, but I think ours is pretty much the perfect size.’
‘So can we grow marigolds in there too? Will there be room? Did you know they were Mummy’s favourite?’
Yes, she did know. Her throat tightened. She swallowed. ‘I think there’ll be oodles of room for marigolds. I think marigolds will be the perfect addition to our vegetable garden.’
Krissie, Ty, and the animals all ran off to play.
Cam shook his head. ‘You can’t eat marigolds.’
She couldn’t tell if he was vexed with her or not. ‘They do look pretty in a vase, though.’ And for taking out to a grave. She eased back on the blanket to survey him more fully. ‘Do you always choose the common-sense option?’
‘I work the land. Planting forty hectares of marigolds instead of canola will not earn me my crust.’
‘What a sight it’d be though.’
He suddenly smiled. ‘Wait until the canola blossoms.’ He gestured out in front of them at the newly ploughed fields that stretched over a low hill in the distance. ‘It will be bright yellow for as far as you can see.’
‘Magic,’ she breathed. Then she frowned. ‘But you won’t be here to see it?’
He shook his head.
Wouldn’t he miss that? Didn’t he want to see the fruits of his labour? She bit the questions back. They’d carefully avoided any mention of the personal today, had found a comfortable footing with each other, and she didn’t want to ruin it. ‘I’ll take a photo and have Fraser send it to you,’ she said instead.
She was just about to tip the dregs of her mug of tea out when Ty and Krissie came up. She could tell from the fact they walked rather than ran and by the serious expressions on their faces that they’d just ‘conferred’ about something. ‘What’s up, chickadees?’ She kept her voice deliberately light and cheerful.
‘When are we going to have Mummy’s...’ Ty frowned, obviously searching for the right word.
‘Memorial?’ she asked softly.
They both nodded and knelt down on the blanket in front of her.
‘Well, Mrs Pritchard is organising a plot for us, and I expect to hear from her about that in the next couple of weeks. Then I’ll speak to Reverend Wilkinson, who’ll perform the service, but he’s only out this way every second week.’ How long was a piece of string? Things moved at a different pace in the country. ‘So I’m expecting it’ll be maybe in a month, possibly two.’
‘So, sorta soon?’ Ty checked.
She nodded.
They leapt up, evidently satisfied. ‘But while we’re on the subject...’ she started, her throat drying.
They stared at her for a moment and then sank back down to the blanket. Her chest clenched. Maybe she should let this subject rest. Instinct, though, told her ignoring it wouldn’t be right.
‘Okay, chickadees, we need to talk about your daddy.’ Ty’s eyes grew wide and wary. Her stomach started to churn. ‘Do we want to bury his ashes too? Do we want to put them in the same plot as Mummy’s?’
‘No!’ Ty shot to his feet. ‘I hate him! He killed Mummy!’
The blood drained from her face. Her hands started to shake. ‘Ty, honey, that’s not true.’ His bottom lip wobbled. He stood there pale and shaking. Her heart lurched and her eyes stung. She wanted to reach out and hug him to her, but she sensed any such movement would send him running. ‘That’s not true, Ty. I promise you. You know Daddy was sick.’ She’d tried to explain it, but, truly, how much were they expected to understand? Especially when Tess could barely accept it herself. ‘It was an accident.’
‘No, it wasn’t! I heard him say he was going to kill her. He drove into that tree on purpose!’
Tears poured down his face. They started to pour down hers too. ‘He only said those things because he was sick. He didn’t mean them. And I know he didn’t drive the car deliberately into the tree, Ty, because he wasn’t the one driving—Mummy was.’
His fists clenched. His face turned red. ‘No!’
She tried to take him into her arms, but he wheeled out of her reach and raced away. She started to her feet, but Cam’s hand on her shoulder stopped her.
‘I’ll go after him,’ he said quietly with a nod towards Krissie.
She turned and found her little niece with her face buried in the blanket and her shoulders shaking. With a lump in her throat the size of a teapot, Tess lifted the child into her lap and wrapped her arms tight around her.
* * *
Ty didn’t go far. He’d raced around the front of the house to fling himself down full length on the veranda.
Cam sat next to the distraught boy and hauled him into his arms so he could cry against his chest.
His throat thickened as he rubbed a hand up and down Ty’s back, trying to impart whatever comfort he could. So much grief and pain. These kids had been through so much. Tess was doing a great job, but...
He thought back to this morning’s image of them all dancing. Tess was doing a brilliant job. It was those moments of joy that would help Ty and Krissie through the hardship of their grief and create bonds that would link them together as a family. He ached to take away all their pain—Tess’s included—but that wasn’t possible. All he could do was offer his friendship and hope it helped.
Tess. His mind rang with her. She was trying to do so much on her own. And she was achieving so much. If only she could see that she didn’t have to lose herself in the process.
Eventually Ty’s sobs eased to hiccups. A couple of minutes after that he pushed away from Cam’s chest to stare up in his face.
‘How you doing, buddy?’ Cam asked, his chest cramping at the small, tear-stained face. He found himself wanting to protect this young boy from every kind of harm. All of Tess’s fussing suddenly made perfect sense.
‘Do you think Auntie Tess is right?’ he said without preamble.
He’d give away Kurrajong Station in an instant if it’d mean sparing them all of this. He met Ty’s gaze. ‘Has your aunt Tess ever lied to you about anything else?’
Ty considered that for a long moment. ‘No,’ he finally said.