by AC Oswald
“Time to pee.” Savannah placed a quick kiss on Bethany’s lips before disappearing into the bathroom.
Bethany leaned back on the sofa and sighed contently. “I’d say this has been a success so far.”
“Absolutely. I don’t even mind the horrible video quality. It’s kind of classy.” Joan smiled. “But Beth?”
“Hm?”
“I don’t mean to be a mood killer, but…” She sighed. “She looks so thin.”
“Savy?”
“Yeah. I mean, I haven’t seen her in two months, so maybe it’s more obvious to me than it is to you, but she looks very weak.”
Bethany hugged her knees in front of her chest and pulled them closer to her body as she tried to smile back at Joan. Of course she had noticed it too. Of course she was trying not to think about it too much.
“She’s not that weak, though,” Bethany said. “Her doctor says she’s still remarkably strong, and it’s normal that she’s losing weight. Her body needs a lot of energy, but she can’t eat that much. She easily feels sick. She can’t keep all the food down.”
Joan nodded.
“But she’s trying. She’s doing the best she can to eat properly. I know that. Today was an exception,” Bethany went on. “I know she’s doing it for us, even if she’s almost never hungry and quickly loses her appetite. And she barely ever complains, J. Sometimes I wish I could look into her head to know when she’s in pain, you know? Because she doesn’t talk about it. She doesn’t want to make me worry.”
They heard the bathroom door before Joan got a chance to reply, but she gave Bethany’s arm a quick squeeze. There was a sad smile on her lips.
“What did I miss?” Savannah wanted to know. Joan lifted her phone, motioning her to sit down next to them.
“I was just about to post a pic of us on Facebook,” Joan grinned and held up the phone camera in front of them. “Smile.”
She uploaded the photo to her Facebook wall and added a comment: “Alternative Super Bowl rocks! Our party is better than yours!”
Only a few seconds later, the picture had twenty-seven likes and three comments, most of them coming from old high school friends they hadn’t seen in years.
“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Savannah said slowly. “All these people. People we used to know so well. Now we know next to nothing about them, only what they give away on some stupid social network.”
Joan nodded. “I know. The word ‘friend’ has totally lost its meaning on the Internet. But I know who my true friends are and who I really want to be part of my life. It’s all that matters.”
“Speaking of important people,” Bethany said before grabbing a piece of paper she had left under the table, “we started the list for our wedding invitations. Do you want to see it?”
“Sure,” Joan replied.
Bethany handed it to her. So far, only a few names were written on it: Anna, Bethany’s colleague from work, Loredana, Bethany’s parents, and, on Bethany’s insistence, the lovely Mrs. McPherson.
“I want a small and very private wedding,” Savannah whispered.
It was obvious from the list that there was no mention of Savannah’s family.
“And there is no one else you want to have there with you, Savy?” Joan asked carefully. Savannah didn’t look at her. She shook her head. Bethany and Joan gave each other a meaningful glance.
“Let’s keep watching.” Savy snuggled into Beth. The conversation was over.
After a glorious 16-7 victory, they headed over to the tattoo shop where they had made an appointment a couple of days before. They were still wearing their uniforms. It felt good to wear them together, like the old times. It made Savannah feel young again, as if she were back in high school.
High school. A time that seemed so far away. So far away from all these dark thoughts. A time when she still had huge plans for her future. Becoming successful. Living in New York. Having a huge family and growing old with Bethany.
It had always been clear to her that Bethany would be her partner forever. Her wife, even. But who would have thought that “always” could be so short? “Always” used to sound like an eternity.
Bethany would always be her girlfriend, but she wouldn’t always be hers.
But that’s what this tattoo was all about. That even if Savannah’s “always” ended earlier than Bethany’s, the girl she loved would still carry a piece of Savannah with her. Some small part of her would always be with her.
Bethany pressed her eyes shut when the needle came close to her pinky finger.
Joan laughed. “Believe me—getting the tattoo is a lot less painful than having it removed. I know what I’m talking about,” she said, pointing at the spot on her lower back that used to be covered by Leonardo Di Caprio’s face.
“Good thing I’ll never have to remove this one,” Bethany whispered.
Savannah bit the inside of her cheek when it was her turn to get inked, but it didn’t hurt as much as she expected it to. Maybe she had gotten used to needles.
She looked over to Joan and thought she could see a tear in her friend’s eye. Joan had always been a hopeless romantic on the inside, even if she didn’t want to admit it. Savannah knew Joan was probably dwelling on the thought of her and Bethany getting a tattoo as a sign of their eternal love. Or maybe she was also taking this whole thing a lot harder than Savannah had expected.
Yeah. Suddenly, Savannah felt like Joan might be going to miss her a lot, almost as if this whole thing were breaking her heart.
For a second, their eyes met, but Joan quickly looked away and brushed the tear away with the sleeve of her uniform. Savannah was sure that Joan didn’t want to ruin the mood by getting emotional, especially because it had been a cheerful night so far. Savannah wanted to get up and hug her. To tell her it was okay, that she didn’t have to feel sorry for her. That she still had Bethany and that Bethany was the best friend anyone could wish for. That they could still be Trashy Twins together.
Savannah didn’t get up. She looked at her two favourite blondes, realizing that the tattoo artist’s job wasn’t done yet.
“I’m sorry. I know that it’s late and all, but do you think you could make me another tattoo, just a really small one on my neck?”
The tattooist, who was completely covered in ink herself, laughed. “I know that it can get addictive, but wow, it got you pretty fast!” she said with a wink. “What’s it going to be?”
“I want a trinity symbol,” Savannah said in a firm voice. And from the corner of her eye, she could see Joan smile.
When they came back home, Bethany decided it was time to talk about what everyone had avoided mentioning all night.
They lay on their bellies on Savannah’s huge bed while flipping through wedding magazines and discussing the dresses that they liked the most.
Joan made a list of things that still needed to be arranged. It was obvious she was enjoying her unofficial job as wedding planner.
“Savy?” Bethany asked.
“Yeah?”
“Can we talk about the whale in the room? I know the word is ‘elephant,’ but it feels much bigger than that.”
Savannah sighed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She focused her gaze on a catering brochure.
“Your parents, Savy. Your mom. Your grandma. I know that you want them to attend.”
Joan put her magazine away. “Beth’s right,” she said. “It’s about time, sweetie. It’s going to be the most important day in your life. You’re going to want your mom to be there. You’re going to want your dad to walk you down the aisle, and you’re going to want your grandma’s blessing.”
“I will never get her blessing,” Savannah said, her voice cracking.
“You don’t know that, babe,” Bethany whispered. She rested
her chin on Savannah’s shoulder. “I’m sure they all miss you just as much as you miss them.”
This was Savannah’s weak spot. Savannah needed closure. Bethany felt it in her heart. She would never make Savy go through with it otherwise.
“And we’re here for you, Savannah,” Joan said with a smile on her lips. “We’ll hold your hand. And we’ll drive over there and kick their sorry asses in the very unlikely chance they push you away. Which is not going to happen.”
Savannah’s eyes were teary, and Bethany could see her inner struggle as if she could hear Savannah’s heart beating in her own ears. But it was now or never.
“Give me the phone,” Savannah said. She looked so vulnerable, it broke Bethany’s heart.
“Hello?” Savannah’s mother answered.
Bethany squeezed Savannah’s hand until her knuckles were white. She could feel the tremor run through her.
“Mom?” Savy whispered, her voice sounding tiny.
Silence.
“Savannah? Is that you?”
Tears streamed down Savannah’s face, and Bethany couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for her. What it must be like to tell your own mother that… She couldn’t even finish the thought. All she knew was that she felt incredibly proud of Savannah in that moment. She admired her for being so strong. And she’d do anything for Savannah.
“Mom. I… I’m calling because…because there’s something you need to know. Something I need to tell you—”
“Savannah, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much.”
Savannah closed her eyes shut and squeezed Bethany’s hand.
“I’ve missed you too, Mom.”
13. Have sex in a hammock between palm trees—check.
14. Watch the New York Jets win the Super Bowl—check.
Chapter 13
Savannah sat on a kitchen chair, her hands sweaty. The ticking of the blue clock on the kitchen wall was echoing loudly in her ears.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
Time seemed to pass so slowly.
Of course, she couldn’t be sure that they’d really show up. Maybe they would change their minds. Maybe she was terrified over nothing.
Would she be disappointed if they stood her up? Right now, the thought seemed more like a relief.
How would she react if they did come? Would she shake their hands? Hug them? Maybe it was best to wait until they made the first move.
She had told Bethany that she needed to do this on her own. That she needed at least this one honest moment with her family. She was prepared for the questions they hadn’t dared to ask yet. Right now, however, she wished she had let her stay. Bethany always calmed her down, made her feel safe. Just a small smile, a squeeze of her hand could make everything better.
The spoon in her hand was shaking as she stirred the cold coffee she didn’t feel like drinking. When the doorbell finally did ring, she still managed to splash some coffee on the table. She could feel the heat in her face, and she tried to focus on her breathing as she pressed the buzzer. There was no turning back now.
Her mother came through the door first. Her hair was shorter. Grayer. Her eyes looked swollen.
The person with her wasn’t her father. Savannah couldn’t believe her eyes when she saw her abuela enter the room. The old lady looked at her with an expression Savannah wasn’t able to read, even if she had wanted to.
“Good evening, Savannah,” her abuela said.
So here they were, the two people who had meant the most to her during her childhood. The two people who had disappointed her more than anybody else. They were supposed to love her no matter what, and they had also decided that they didn’t want her anymore—her mother because of her life choices, her grandmother because of who she loved. Even after all these years, the pain still felt as real as it had always felt. The rejection. The anger. It all bubbled to the surface.
But now there was something else too. Now there was this new fear. The fear of dying. And Savannah wasn’t quite sure what role her family would play in all this. What role she would let them play.
How much longer were they going to stand there and look at her? Was this the time to offer them a drink? Maybe this had been a bad idea. Joan and Bethany shouldn’t have pushed her, for fuck’s sake. This was going to make her feel even more miserable than she already felt. She could have waited the last few months and died without them. After death, there was no regret, right? At least not for her.
Then, suddenly, there were arms around her, an embrace that was so unexpected, it made her whole body tense within less than a second.
Her abuela still used the same perfume. Savannah had never particularly liked it. It smelled like cedarwood. Yet it smelled like home. Like childhood. And her arms felt so much skinnier. She looked so old. So weak.
“Querida, querida,” Savannah heard her grandmother mumble as she kissed her on the forehead. Once. Twice.
“Your father will come a little later,” her mother, Gloria, explained. “He’s still in a meeting. He says he’s really sorry and that he will hurry.”
They all knew that there was no meeting. Fernando Cortez wasn’t able to deal with these kinds of emotions. And it was okay. To some degree, Savannah was thankful.
She had no idea how long they had been sitting there before Savannah finally had the nerve to speak. “I’m getting married to a girl.” These hadn’t exactly been the first words she had planned to say, but it was what had to come out.
“I’m getting married to a girl,” she repeated, “and I can’t help but feel that you wouldn’t be here now if you didn’t think it might be the last chance to see me. Alive, I mean.”
She could feel her abuela freeze. Her hand had been stroking her seconds ago and was now resting still on her dark hair.
“That’s not true, Savannah,” her mother said slowly, and her eyes were getting teary. “It’s not true, and I hope you know that.”
“I don’t, actually.”
“Savannah,” her abuela said in a strict voice that allowed no backtalk. “Savannah, look at me.”
She didn’t want to look at her. Didn’t want to look into the eyes of the woman who had made her doubt herself so badly, the person whose opinion had always mattered so much to her but who had decided to stop loving her because she was a lesbian. Who had let her down when she had needed her most.
“It’s been six years, Savannah. Six years since I have seen you. Six long years, and that’s been more than enough time for me to think about you and our family.”
Yeah, six fucking years that would have felt like hell if she hadn’t had Bethany by her side. Six years and her abuela hadn’t once tried to contact her to apologize.
“You have to believe me, Savannah. It isn’t just now that I’ve realized I made a mistake. There have been many days, many situations, in which I have wanted to call you, write you, and I didn’t do it because…because I was ashamed. Yes. There, I said it. I was ashamed of the way I have treated you, and I didn’t know what to do. I figured it would be hard for you to forgive me, so I thought I would have to let you live your life with…with your partner and let you be happy.”
Savannah could hear her voice crack, something she wasn’t used to when it came to her grandmother, the woman who had an opinion on everything and who would never let any weakness show. In so many ways, they were very alike. Always had been.
“It was my own punishment, Savannah. To live with the thought that I had let you down in the worst way possible. Telling you all of those things when I knew how upset you must have been. I am not proud of that.”
Tears were rolling down Savannah’s cheeks as she tried to focus on the white kitchen floor. She was doing her best to push away the memories that came crawling back, memories of the time when she had tried to be brave and op
en up to her family about her most personal emotions, the memory of the hurt she had felt when her own grandmother had kicked her out. The memory of the pure hatred in the woman’s eyes.
There had been too many days and nights she had spent denying who she really was, telling herself it was sick to feel the way she did. She had been her own worst enemy, had needed nothing more than to find comfort with her loved ones. Instead, they had rejected her and made her world fall into pieces. All she had ever wanted was an apology.
“I’m sorry, Savannah. And I hope you will be able to forgive me.”
Savannah let the words sink in, not knowing what to reply. She wasn’t ready for a “yes,” yet there was a small smile tugging on her lips.
“Savannah,” Gloria now started, her voice shy. “I…um…we, your grandmother and I, would love to help you pick a wedding dress.” Suddenly, Gloria started sobbing, unable to hold back the emotions that must have kept her awake since the night of their phone call. “I’ve always dreamt of the moment when my baby girl would get married. How beautiful she’d look in a white dress. How proud I’d feel.”
It broke Savannah’s heart to see her mother cry like that. Maybe it was for the best that she would never have any children of her own. She only had to look into Gloria’s eyes to know that losing your son or daughter to cancer was an experience she’d never want to go through.
“So, Savannah,” her abuela said as she softly stroked Savannah’s arm. “What do you say? Going to let your old ladies help you pick an outfit for the most important day of your life?”
Savannah swallowed and slowly lifted her head before clearing her throat to answer.
“You better not make me regret this.”