by Ann Yost
****
The day before New Year’s Eve, Baz and Hallie drove out to see Blue. The little mare looked ready to pop. Baz told Ralph to call the minute labor started.
The directive startled Hallie. Was he anticipating trouble?
Janie looked different, too, more uncomfortable.
Her belly seemed lower, which probably meant the baby had dropped. Hallie caught Baz giving her a quick, professional look and realized he’d noticed it, too. A familiar emptiness filled her. She would never be round and ripe with his child. She would never hold his baby in her arms. She forced herself to smile at the young couple.
“I’m hoping Blue’s foal and Ralph, Junior will both show up before midnight on New Year’s Eve,”
Ralph joked. “I could use the tax deductions.”
Hallie heard the nervousness in his voice. The Meadows lived some thirty-five miles from the nearest hospital. They were probably ten miles from a neighbor, and December in Maine could be unpredictable. Hallie couldn’t blame Ralph for worrying a little. “Do you two have any family coming for the birth?” she asked. She kept her voice soothing and casual.
“My mom can’t come for another week,” Janie said. “She’s with my sister. Clara had her first on Christmas Day. She named her Noelle.”
“What a lovely name,” Hallie said.
“Janie’s not due till January sixteenth.” Ralph’s tone implied he expected that date to be solid.
“You know you can call either of us any time,” Hallie said. “Both of you.”
Baz glanced at her after they’d climbed into the pickup. “‘You can call either of us any time at all?’”
“They just look so scared.”
Baz’s mouth formed a straight line. “They’re smart to be scared. They’re way out here to hell and gone. If there’s a snowstorm and an emergency, they’ll be in real trouble.”
“Well, let’s hope there’s neither one. First babies take a long time coming.”
“Not always.”
She glanced at him. “You have experience with that?”
“I’m a doctor. I’ve seen a lot of births.”
She couldn’t argue with that. A large animal doc got in on the action a lot more often than a vet who specialized in companion animals.
Hallie peered anxiously at the lowering skies overhead. The wind had been whipping pretty hard around the barnyard, but as far as she’d been able to find out, there were no storms predicted until after the New Year. The heater inside the cab felt good.
She realized, though, that Baz hadn’t moved.
“What’s up?”
“There is more than one way to have a family Hallie. There’s adoption, for example.”
For an instant she froze. The comment had come out of nowhere, and she hadn’t been prepared. “No,” she snapped at him.
“Why the hell not?”
“I’m not interested in adoption.” She remembered, vividly, that day she returned from camp the summer her dad had died. She’d overheard her mother telling her friend Pauline that she planned to put Hallie in boarding school in the fall.
“I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not really mother material,” her mom had said.
“It’s natural you should feel that way, Louise.
It’s not as if she were your real child. And it was really Harry who wanted to adopt.”
Hallie considered that summer a turning point. She’d been only thirteen, but from then on, she’d seen her mother only on holidays and vacations.
She’d remained dutiful right up until Louise Scott’s
death, but she’d found comfort in the prospect of one day having a child of her own. In her opinion, adoption didn’t work.
“I’d think you of all people would understand that a kid is a kid. After all, you were adopted.”
She rounded on him. “I was adopted. You know what I learned from that experience? Blood is thicker than water.”
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“It does to me.”
He shook his head. “I’m not letting you off the hook with some enigmatic epigram. If you’ve got a prejudice against adoption, you’d damn well better tell me what it is.”
She seemed to be telling all her secrets these days. This one was especially sensitive. Her mother hadn’t loved her. It made her sound like a monster.
But it was clear now Baz wouldn’t give up easily.
Maybe if he understood just how inflexible she was on this point, he’d leave her alone. She sucked in a breath and gave him the Cliff’s Notes version of the overheard conversation.
He stared at her for a long minute. “Well, hell,”
he said. Then he put the truck in gear. He didn’t speak for several miles. Finally, he said, “Blood isn’t always as strong as you might think. My mother abandoned two of her children, and she used me as a weapon against my dad. Every case is different.”
“I’m sorry about your mom, but that isn’t the point. Since I was thirteen I’ve wanted to have a biological tie with someone. A baby.” She felt emotion crowding her windpipe. In another minute she wouldn’t be able to talk. “Adoption won’t work for me, Baz. I don’t believe in it, and I don’t want it.”
The words were harsh, but she couldn’t regret saying them. They were true.
Chapter Eight
For the next couple of miles, she thought she’d ended the discussion. Then all at once he spoke.
“You know what your problem is? You don’t get the concept of parenthood, Halliday. It isn’t about frilly outfits or cute teddy bears or picking baby names.
It’s about pain. It’s about taking responsibility for another human being and discovering you’ve made a lifelong commitment to worry and fear and, if you do your job right, to loneliness. You don’t get a kid for life. You get to participate in raising him for eighteen or so years, and then you get to watch from the sidelines while he either sinks or swims. Blood has very little to do with that.”
She fell back against the seat and gaped at him.
“My God, Baz. No wonder you didn’t want to be a parent. What about the hugs and smiles and the way they turn your heart to mush? What about Daisy.
Do you think Cam would send her back if he could?”
Baz said nothing.
“What about your dad? Do you know how often he talks about you? He’s so damn happy to see you back home he was willing to give up his practice for three months.”
“Speaking of my dad, I heard him tell you several times that you’re a member of this family.”
“It’s a figure of speech. He didn’t mean it. Do you think for one minute he would have chosen my comfort over yours? Do you think he’d have canceled his trip because I asked him to?”
“He thinks he owes me.”
She shook her head. “It isn’t that. He loves you.
Your happiness means more to him than anything else because you’re his son.”
He didn’t try to argue with her. They rode back to Eden in silence, but, unlike the other night, it wasn’t hostile. They’d each learned something about the other, and the new knowledge made it even clearer to Hallie that they had no future together.
Finally, he pulled into the Outlaw garage and stopped the truck. She popped open her door, but his hand on her arm detained her.
“Go to the Grange Hall Dance with me tomorrow night.”
It was tempting. She’d like nothing more than one last evening of being held in his arms. But it would be foolish and, besides, she had a prior commitment. “I can’t. I’m going with Jake.”
His hold tightened on her wrist. “Break the date. Tell him you’re going with your lover.”
“You’re not my lover, Baz.”
“Are. Were. Will be again.”
She stared at him. “Is this the way it’s going to be for the next three months?”
He nodded. “This is the way it’s gonna be until you come to your senses. I came here to get you Hallie. I’m no
t giving up.”
She let out a half-shriek of frustration and he let go. She shoved open the door.
“Hallie.”
She turned around. She squinted her eyes and shook her head. “You just don’t get it. I don’t want you anymore. Not for keeps. The past is dead, Baz. It has to be. I told you I’ll never forgive you.”
“You already mentioned that.”
****
I’ll never forgive you.
For the first time Baz felt a jolt of real panic.
Not that he planned to give up but never was a long time.
He refilled the tumbler of golden whiskey for the third time and stared at the books in his father’s study. The house was quiet with the silence that comes only after midnight.
He’d been so sure he could convince her to give him another chance. Last year she said she loved him. Did love die? Had he killed it with his poor timing and ill-conceived gesture toward Nicole? He didn’t know. His experience with love was minimal.
All he knew for certain was that he couldn’t face a life without Hallie. He slumped in his chair. He hated this feeling of helplessness. She resented him for what he’d cost her, well, dammit, he resented her, too, but he hadn’t held it against her. She was the one who coaxed him off his island. She was the one who lured him into the human race. She was the one who penetrated his carefully built fortress and made him long for life. For her.
And she thought this was over?
Not a chance in hell.
She still needed him. She still wanted him. She still loved him.
She just didn’t know it.
The room swayed before his eyes. He needed a plan. He’d always been good with plans. He’d come up with something. He felt his eyelashes against his cheeks. He’d come up with a great plan.
But first, he’d get a little rest.
****
The next morning Hallie sat in the Outlaw’s empty kitchen and sipped coffee doused liberally with milk. She’d have preferred to have breakfast in her cozy apartment today, but she wasn’t letting Baz force her into hibernation. She wasn’t letting him push her out of her own life.
The door from the butler’s pantry swung open.
Baz and Cameron entered together. Each was devastating in his own right. Together they were enough to hot-wire any woman’s hormones.
“Happy New Year,” she said, forcing a bright smile.
Cam echoed the greeting. Baz grunted and headed for the coffeepot. He poured himself a cup and stood looking out the kitchen window into the snow-covered courtyard. He drained the cup in one long swallow.
“Good grief,” she said. “Why don’t you take it in an I.V.? It’d be faster and wouldn’t cauterize your entire digestive system.”
Cam poured some for himself and took a seat at the table. Baz said nothing. He poured more coffee and made his way to the table, his gait careful, his face tight.
“Brother Baz overindulged last night,” Cam explained. “Celebrating the New Year early.”
Baz shot him an annoyed look as he lowered himself into a chair. He did look kind of pale.
Without thinking Hallie reached over to touch his wrist. “Are you all right?”
“I’m dandy,” he growled. He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t look at her either.
“Somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed,” Cam teased.
“Somebody got up in the wrong bed,” he muttered.
Hallie went very still. Surely he wouldn’t refer to their physical relationship right here at the breakfast table in front of God and his brother.
Cam lifted his eyebrows at Hallie, but he didn’t speak.
Baz chugged his coffee then he turned to Hallie.
He moved his head as if it were a prize piece of china he was trying not to jostle. “I’ll check on the farm stock.”
She studied his face. How hung over was he? Would he be all right driving down the twisty country roads in his current condition?
“I’ll go with you,” she offered.
“No. Thank you.” His response left no room to maneuver.
The sheepskin coat he had taken into the river hadn’t been cleaned. Baz shouldered into a bright green parka that was at least a size too small. A minute later he was gone. They heard the truck’s engine turn over then the sound of Baz backing out of the driveway.
“What do you think the chances are he’ll hit the mailbox?” Cam asked.
“Seventy-five percent? He’s pretty coordinated.
Whose jacket was that?”
“I have no idea. One of Lucy’s college boyfriends probably left it here.” Cam seemed to study her face.
“Something new happen between you, two?”
“Not really. Another heated discussion. Your brother doesn’t take no for an answer.”
“His stubbornness is well documented. Look how long he held out before he came to Maine. Twenty years. For most of that time he was alone, Hallie. I think he’d gotten used to it. When you came along, it must have given him a hard enough jolt to re-wire his circuits. I can understand why he wants you back.”
She probably shouldn’t have been surprised at Cam’s perception. She’d seen the same quality in his father and his brother.
“He’ll find someone else.” She spoke with a lightness she didn’t feel.
“Are you sure that’s what you want?”
She nodded. Baz’s presence just reminded her of what she’d lost. There was another consideration too; she’d realized last year that he needed a family.
He needed children of his own.
She smiled faintly. “Sometimes I think the hardest person to build a relationship with is an ex.
It’s like all the bridges were burned or something.
You’ve got proof that you don’t work as a couple.”
A shadow passed over his well-defined features.
“I hear you.”
She was more than ready to change the subject.
“Who’re you taking to the Grange Hall Dance tonight?”
“Leila Gunderson. She married one of my high school buddies who was killed in Afghanistan.”
“Wow. That must have been so hard.”
“I’m sure it was. I was down in Boston at the time.” He smiled at her. “You’re going with Jake?”
“We made the date a couple of weeks ago.” She didn’t know why she felt it was important to point that out. She’d just told him she wasn’t interested in his brother.
“Save me a dance?”
“Absolutely.”
Hallie found the clinic’s waiting room full. Everybody, it seemed, was intent on getting their problems solved before the office closed for the holiday. She worked her way through the list.
Fred McGee suspected his two German shepherd pups had ringworm (they did.) Gladys Miller was worried about her pedigreed Persian’s sudden weight gain (pregnancy). Barney Smith, who probably hadn’t visited a dentist himself in five years, brought in his mutt, George, to have the tartar cleaned off his teeth.
Late in the morning Daisy arrived with a leashed Wilbur. The leash was just for show, of course. Wilbur, the laziest of pigs, was most unlikely to make a break for freedom. He was smart, too. He stayed glued to Daisy’s side.
The twosome had brought freshly baked pig shaped sugar cookies, and, in between patients Daisy, Hallie, and Mavis conducted a hasty tea party.
Jolene surprised her by calling around lunchtime.
“Aren’t you busy?” The Pink Poodle was Eden’s only hair salon.
“Frantic. I just wanted to check a couple of things with you. You are wearing the red dress tonight.”
It wasn’t a question.
“I guess.”
“We picked out that dress especially for tonight,” Jo reminded her.
“I know.”
“You need to get down here and let me do your hair.”
“My hair’s okay. You’ve got to be swamped.”
“Look, girlfriend, you’ve got two o
f the hottest guys in town sniffing at your door. The least you can do is look your best.”
Hallie didn’t tell her friend that both those hot guys would soon be on the market again. “Aren’t you busy?”
“Busier than a stud bull in mating season.
Everybody in town’s coming in here to get a ‘do,’ but I’ve got time for you.”
Hallie couldn’t refuse. Outside of the Outlaw family, Jo and Sharon were her best friends. She knew they’d been worried about her since she received the diagnosis. Jo probably thought a beautified, sexy Hallie would inspire Baz or Jake to make a proposal that would make it up to her for not being able to have a baby.
“This has nothing to do with the Prodigal Hunk,” Jo said. “I just want you to look your best.
After all, New Year’s Eve only comes once a year.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll be over in a bit. Daze and I are just finishing some of Asia’s incredible cookies.”
“Bring one for me. Oh, by the way, I saw Jake yesterday afternoon.”
“Did he come in to get his hair done, too?”
“Very funny. No, he was out on the sidewalk yelling at Lucy Outlaw. Something about illegal parking. You know, it’s weird. He’s unfailingly polite with everyone else. Anyway, he said to tell you he’d pick you up around six. Apparently he’s giving Sharon and her date a ride. We’ll meet you at the hall.”
Hallie hung up the phone. She’d really looked forward to the Grange Hall Dance. It fit right in with her fantasy of a close-knit small town. She’d bought the racy red dress and shoes to match, and she’d looked forward to spending a romantic evening with Jake. She sighed.
Instead, thanks to Baz, she’d have to let the sheriff know she was no longer interested. Damn.
She realized, too late, that she’d forgotten to ask about Sharon’s date. The tall, stunning redhead was determinedly single, and Hallie knew Jo intended to fix her up with somebody.
She shrugged. She’d find out soon enough.
The day continued at a whirlwind pace, and by the time she returned to her apartment to dress, she was exhausted. There was just enough time for a quick, power nap, but, despite the alarm, she overslept.
“Curse the snooze button,” she muttered as she bolted into the shower and turned on the spray.