by Chris Flynn
You ask a lot of questions, Carson goes, starting to look nervous, are you wearing a wire if you’re recording this conversation I will deny everything, do you work for Interpol?
Whoa hold your horses there, I says, calm down, do I look like the sort of cunt works for Interpol, this is not the movies pal sure we’re just a couple of travellers looking to make a wee bit of money, all I’m saying is we have to watch ourselves.
He took the huff then and goes, if you don’t want the job that’s fine I’ll find someone else to do it. I thought you might be interested in making some easy money that’s all. So you have my number at the travel agency call me tomorrow and let me know your decision but if I find out you are policemen understand that this will not be good for you. I have many friends in authority here who can make your life very unpleasant.
Aye right no bother, I says, thanks for the coffee Mr Carson we’ll give you a ring in the morning. I stood up then and shook his hand I could see the two fellas in the corner watching me like hawks with their hands hovering over the lapels of their jackets sure you could see their pieces bulging a mile off. I had to drag Olly away, as soon as we were outside he was going to start on me but I told him to shut the fuck up and wait until we were well away before he said anything.
There was a bit of a park in the middle of this aul roundabout so we ran over there to sit down in the sun. Come on then, I says, let’s hear it.
Are you mad, he goes, what the fuck’s your problem this is a golden opportunity. Mr Carson’s well connected and you’re pissing him off already, he’s right this is easy money. I didn’t think you’d be scared after all you’ve done.
Is that what you think, I says, that I’m feared? Aye well maybe you’re right I’m just sayin’ we’d be the lowest rung on the ladder here and totally expendable sure for all intents and purposes we’re just a couple of drifters and they’d save forty grand just by walking away at the end never mind the fact they might put the two of us in a shallow grave just to keep our gobs shut, don’t tell me you’re actually considering this, have you no sense?
Actually what I was thinking, he says, was that we could deal with the two Pakistanis and take the whole lot two hundred grand each and disappear.
I laughed then, aye brilliant idea a couple of hard cases from Pakistan sure we’ll just tie them up and do a runner to Argentina dead easy are you off your fucking head sure we’ve no idea who we’re working for here could be the Triads or the Russians or worse. Even if we could pinch the money sure we’d be looking over our shoulders the rest of our lives it’s bad enough now I don’t want to be looking at every Pakistani wondering if he’s going to pull out a machete and chop my fucking arms off, the whole thing stinks so it does.
Olly flopped back on the grass with his arms over his head and an aul scowl on his face. He could see the sense in what I was saying, he just didn’t want to believe it. Putain, he goes, thumping the grass with his fist. I thought we could do this thing together you and me make some money and have a good time.
Sorry brother, I says, count me out sure I’m fed up with this life-on-the-run business.
So what you going to do, he says, work in an office settle down and get married, look at yourself in the mirror sometime Billy sérieusement.
I know, I says, you think I don’t know how it goes sitting on some train or bus on the way to work every morning the same aul faces no talk reading the celebrity news in the paper, every cunt worried sick about the mortgage or the credit card bill or the repayments on their fucking piece-of-shit Toyota Corolla big ball of fucking knots in their guts an aul feeling of dread sitting on their shoulders destroying them before the day’s even begun. You think I don’t know about that life I seen it all around me everywhere I go, fuck sake people standing in the queue at the supermarket or at the hole in the wall or at the bus stop in the fucking freezing rain or in the dole office. You think I don’t know what the world’s like sure I seen more than most men could stand and I done things I’m not proud of, the only way I could get out was to touch the face of fucking Heaven on a Friday night, pills and trips and dust and fighting and drink and sticking my knob in every wet hole I could find knowing there was millions of others out there who felt just like I did, that’s what I depended on because I knew there might not be a tomorrow and the soundtrack in my head was the only thing made it all bearable sure if you could only hear it you’d know what I mean.
I can’t do it no more Olly, I can’t keep running when all I’m doing is trying to run from myself and I can’t be involved in any passport scams or wild money-making schemes. I done enough bad shit in my life and I need to get myself sorted out before it’s too late, maybe it is already maybe I’m just kidding myself on but I got nothing left no more enthusiasm for nothing I’ve just got to stop and face up to the world before it crushes me like the fucking worthless bug that I am.
10
That was about it between me and the Frenchman. Sure he said I was having a meltdown and I says, aye well it’s about time, I mean it’s not like I burst into tears or nothing. I know I keep saying how what I done’s going to fuck me up but it’s not that bad, like yer man Sigmund Freud said psychotherapy works on every cunt except the Irish who don’t seem to need it. I mean I was all right I could still function and go about my business and have a laugh and that, I just needed to have a good look at myself and square everything away in my head so’s I could get on with things and maybe work out what the fuck I was going to do with myself.
I could see the years stretching out ahead and there wasn’t much future for an aul Orangeman thug outside of his natural environment so to speak. I had the chance to leave all that shite behind and I was only now realising after all this time that I’d sort of fallen into that dead young or was pushed whatever way you want to look at it but I could do anything I wanted within reason, I wasn’t stupid or nothing I mean no genius either but I wasn’t a lost cause yet, that’s what I’m saying.
That’s what I tried to tell Olly, I think he understood but he wasn’t ready to be going down that road himself just yet sure he had the spirit of adventure or whatever in him.
The last I seen of him was when he jumped on a bus for the Cambodia, he heard it was even cheaper over there and not ruined yet by tourists like the Thailand was. He didn’t know what he was going to do other than try to shag loads of wee Khmer girls and he said cheerio to me in the middle of a busy street it was about eight o’clock at night and dead warm, he was all cheerful to be embarking on another adventure but I was a wee bit cut up though I didn’t show it.
He gave me a big hug and says, T’inquiète pas Billy, l’avenir te trouvera! I knew the first part was don’t worry Billy but the rest was a bit beyond me so I shouts what was that as he was clambering on the bus with his aul filthy rucksack over one shoulder. He disappeared for a minute getting himself a seat I suppose and then just as the bus goes to pull away he leans out the door and gives me a wave laughing like a madman, the future will find you, he shouts, pumping his fist in the air and whooping and then he was gone.
Even though he was a bit of a cunt I liked our Olly and I was sorry I couldn’t be more fun for him, he was one of those lads out there doing his own thing and not worrying about tomorrow or the next day sure you have to admire that. I felt dead weird after he was gone sure that was me on my own again, he was about the closest thing to a friend I had and I’d no idea when I’d ever see him again, maybe never.
‘Cos I was feeling miserable I checked out of the shitehole we were in and got myself a room at the Sheraton, it was expensive but fucking lovely, I just wanted a bit of luxury before going on my way. I went shopping too and got myself some new gear clothes and a rucksack that didn’t stink of monkey shite, a CD Walkman too and a bunch of aul albums. I got Oasis Tricky Leftfield Faith No More Chemical Brothers, fucking magic so it was listening to good music again.
I called up the contact I’d been thinking about, this aul fella who’d been recommended me by Big
Jim just in case I ever needed an out. Milan was his name, he was Croatian and he’d done identity work with Big Jim for years before doing a runner, something about the war over there, sure I never pried, best not to with men like that. God knows who he was really. He’d been living in Thailand for years sure he was even married to one of the locals and had a couple of kids. I’d met him once before and stayed at his place down the coast for a couple of days when I first flew in but he had a car rental business in Bangkok too, it was supposed to be a front but I think he enjoyed it more than doing forgeries. Anyway he never done much anymore but he was glad to hear from me and said he’d sort me out with a new passport and a bank account and everything, he didn’t ask no questions about where I was going or nothing sure he’d more sense but I told him it wasn’t urgent anyway I wasn’t in trouble with the peelers or nothing.
That makes it easy, he says, have you decided on a new name?
I had to think about it for a minute. I didn’t want to change it too much ‘cos that would be a pain, then I ‘membered the song Tanya played for me back on the island ‘Summertime’ and how her favourite singer was Ella Fitzgerald so I says to Milan I says, I want to keep William ‘cos that’s my real name but change Montgomery to Fitzgerald. Billy Fitzgerald, he goes, that sounds all right, no not Billy, I says, I want to leave Billy behind when I was a wean my granda used to call me Will before he passed on and I think I’ll start using that instead.
Will it is, Milan goes, I’ll have it couriered over to the Sheraton in a day or two and get your money transferred to a new account in that name though that might take a few weeks, you should go for a holiday in the meantime.
A holiday, I says, sure my whole life’s a fucking holiday it’s time to move on.
Whatever you say Will, he goes, it was weird hearing it but I’d have to get used to it. Billy Montgomery was almost dead now and Will Fitzgerald was coming out of the womb all sticky and covered in goo. I’d high hopes for the lad sure he couldn’t do any worse than his father.
The plan was to get the fuck out of Asia and stay well away from Europe sure I never wanted to go back there unless I had to like if someone died or I was accepting the Nobel Prize or something. That didn’t leave too many places that spoke English and the only person I knew and got on with was Tanya out in Australia so I decided to take her up on the offer of heading down to Cairns. I didn’t want to impose too much on the girl and it’s not like I expected her to shack up with me or nothing. I just figured I’d go for a wee visit and get a feel for the place and then maybe just stay there and go to night school or something and learn a trade if the money ran low sure I could always get a job labouring or whatever, that’s what all the thick Paddies do anyway. The point was it’d be a new start for me far from the old country and that was where I wanted to be, as far away as possible from them cunts. I fully intended never to contact Big Jim or any of them ones ever again Australia was going to be my clean slate and Will Fitzgerald would be the new man I’d become.
I was sitting by the pool letting all this sink in drinking a mai tai wearing my new shorts and a nice wee short-sleeved shirt that covered my aul tattoos. I didn’t know what I was going to do about them, seeing NO SURRENDER backwards in the mirror everyday was doing my head in a bit. I was thinking maybe I could get them removed in Australia or cover them up with something a bit less aggressive when this middle-aged fella came over and sat at the next table. He was going bald on top and he looked like an eejit but dead relaxed, probably on a business trip or something I was thinking likely just had his knob sucked by some wee slip of a thing upstairs.
I was totally wrong about him though, he says bout ye how’s it going, sure I couldn’t believe it he was from back home and I reached for my back pocket looking for a piece the first thing I thought was fuck me he’s here to rub me out probably a Provo hitman, course I’d no piece on me and I starts looking around to see where the rest of his team was but there was only a couple of aul ladies sitting drinking tea not yer typical kill squad.
Fucking paranoid as fuck I realised then, calm yourself down Billy I mean Will I says to myself, aye not bad, I goes to him, what about yourself. His eyes lit up then, are you from Northern Ireland, he goes, I don’t believe it.
Aye, I says, been a while since I lived there but I’m a Belfast boy what about you.
He sits up then all smiles, unbelievable, he goes, sure it’s a small aul world isn’t it though. I’m from Larne, Tony Baird’s the name pleased to meet ye.
I shook his hand and said the words for the first time, Will Fitzgerald, he squinted then, I could see him thinking it was a bit strange ‘cos William’s a Prod name and Fitzgerald’s a Fenian one but he took it in his stride and goes, can I join you for a drink?
No bother, I goes, come on ahead sure what’ll ye have.
What’s that you’re drinking with the umbrella in it, he says, don’t tell us you’re an aul knob jockey no offence like but my bap’s not buttered on that side.
I laughed then sure his sense of humour was like mine, straightaway I ‘membered what it was like back home with the constant craic. Are ye not, I says, sure I’m disappointed when I saw those shorts you’re wearing I thought sure you were an arse bandit like me.
He screwed his face up then and started to laugh, no rusty sheriff’s badge on me, he says, though maybe you’re a deputy yourself. Talking to him was just what I needed, a bloody good aul laugh for a change.
I got the drinks in and says to him, what’s the craic then Tony you out here on business or something, aye he goes, boring as fuck sure I won’t do your head in with it needless to say I work for a big accountancy firm and they’ve got an office out here sure they sent me out for a conference I don’t know why, they must of wanted rid of me for the week but I’m not complaining.
Accountancy, I says, aye right that seems to be popular out here you must be good with the numbers then I suppose, aye he says, always was my da had a Spar in Larne and I used to help him out with the books when I was a wean so it made sense to do it at uni.
Did you go to Queen’s then, I says, nah he goes, any excuse to get out of Northern Ireland sure I went to Aberdeen to get away from all that sectarian shite you know what I mean?
Totally, I goes, shifting in my seat to make sure he couldn’t see my Loyalist tattoos. I don’t blame ye, I wish I’d paid more attention in school and fucked off out of there myself.
He looked at me funny then, sure you’re only a young man, he goes, you could get yourself on a course somewhere no bother I’m sure.
Aye I was thinking that, I says, I wonder what I’d like doing.
Well what are you good at, he goes.
I let out a big sigh then, aye good question sure the only A-levels I could of done would of been eating, sleeping and wanking.
Right, he laughs, well what do you like then what’re your interests?
I was a bit embarrassed, well I like reading books, I says but that’s a recent development since I come over here. To tell you the truth Tony I’m not exactly blessed in the brains department, I’m the first one to admit it.
Don’t put yourself down, he goes, sure it takes most people years to work out what they’re going to do with themselves I was lucky I knew from a young age you’ve plenty of time don’t worry about it, just relax and keep reading that’s my advice.
We talked for ages he was quite chilled out so he was, not what you’d expect from an accountant from Larne or any cunt from the province for that matter, sure I’d never met a middle-aged man from Northern Ireland who wasn’t twisted with bitterness.
Here, he goes, have you tried Vipassana yet, I don’t know, I says, is it like the Chang ‘cos I’m sick of that.
No, he goes, it’s not a beer you dunderhead it’s a meditation retreat in the jungle.
What do you mean, I says, like yoga and that?
Aye well that’s part of it, he goes, but the idea is you go to some isolated place run by Buddhists and you live like they
do for ten days not saying nothing and just thinking about things.
It sounds like a bunch of aul hippie nonsense, I says, you mean you don’t say nothing at all?
Not a word, he goes, silent retreat just contemplation.
Have you been, I says.
Aye sure I’ve been twice now, once up in Chang Mai and another time down the coast it was brilliant so it was. I come out of it feeling a hundred and ten per cent.
Honest, I says, is it that good, well it’s hard work too, he goes, you have to get up at four in the morning and you can go a bit mad not being able to talk but if you’ve any aul problems weighing you down sure you’ve nothing else to do but confront them, it’s not for everyone but I’d personally recommend it I’d be a lot more messed up if I hadn’t done it my older brother got killed by the Provos when I was young, mistaken identity you know the sort of thing two boys with balaclavas on walked into the bar and shot him in the face they thought he was an off-duty policeman, it played on me for a long time but I put it to bed and made my peace after becoming a Buddhist.
What, I says, you’re a Buddhist, fuck me are you a Catholic Buddhist or a Protestant one?
He cracked up laughing then, that’s hilarious, he goes, aye, I says, sure I’m only kidding on. I wasn’t at all it was a serious question but as soon as I said it I realised how fucking stupid it was. With a name like Baird he was obviously Protestant.
Is there a Buddhist church in Larne, I says, he thought that was funny too, if there was it’d be a congregation of one, he says, nah look I’m not into all that sectarian stuff like I said I’ve opened my mind to new things now sure the world’s too big to be worrying about all that nonsense, like a muppet I used to think once you’d seen the Mountains of Mourne and been over to Magaluf that was about it. Back home they’d have you believe Northern Ireland was the be-all end-all and when you’re there the problems we have seem like the most important thing in the world but as soon as you step outside the country you realise it’s a load of aul bollocks, so it is. No one cares about the place. You tell people and they’ve not even heard of it. There’s too much to see and do in the world to be pinching your head with that aul Catholic and Protestant codswallop.