by Chris Flynn
How’d you know that, I goes.
I played as a midfielder all through high school, she says, soccer’s really popular with girls in America, is that right, I says, sure I love knocking an aul ball around we should get one and have a game on the beach see who else wants to play.
What beach is this you’re referring to, she goes, oh you know, I says, dead casual, wherever we go after this, maybe Ko Pha-Ngan sure that’s not far from here.
Oh so we’re off to an island together are we, she says, acting all coy.
Why, don’t you want to, I goes, knowing full well she was just joshing me.
Sure, she says, once the barbecue’s over here let’s go.
I laughed at that, aye shame they don’t sell marshmallows at their wee stall there sure they’d make a mint.
We knocked around with the others from the retreat for an hour or two waiting for the festivities to start and trying to keep our hands off of each other. Just as well there was no beach to go and lie on and no privacy to be had, there was a bit of a crowd formed for the send-off. Monks came in a procession and stood round and then started chanting, it was quite good, there must of been a few hundred people there to watch. Lana squeezed my hand when they put the torch to the pyre, the thing went up pretty quick it’s not something you see every day or want to see really but the monks and the locals all loved it they were happy the complete opposite of what ye see at a funeral in the west with everyone greeting. They all believed he was away to a new life reincarnated as someone else starting over again, the fire was purging who he used to be sure I could identify with that at least.
When I looked round at Lana and she put her head into my shoulder her red hair was rising in the wind out behind her face and I could see the flames reflected in her eyes she was crying a wee bit but smiling too this was the start of something for the aul monk who’d died and for us too, we both felt it.
16
It was mad being on Haad Rin Nok beach a couple of days before the party kicked off sure that was the only way you could get yourself an aul shack if you left it too late there’d be ten thousand other fuckers trying to grab them. Ours wasn’t too bad it’d seen better days like but sure it’s only a place to throw your bag down and have a kip and a dump in private. There was a hammock on the balcony sure I never mastered them I was too big but Lana jumped right in no problem. She wasn’t so keen on the bathroom squat-toilet situation of course, if you’re not used to each other it’s a bit embarrassing at first not exactly high romance considering the dodgy pad thais going around if you know what I mean. There was some sort of big fucking lizards crawling around in the roof too sure the first time I saw Lana half in the buff was when she come running out squealing an hour after we checked in. We were still circling each other nothing had happened even though it was pretty obvious something was going to we’d come here and rented a shack together after all and there was only one bed.
Anyway she went in to do her business I was hanging out on the bed trying to look nonchalant going through my stuff wondering if the DJs would play anything from the CDs I’d bought and next thing I hear this animal croaking noise. I knew it was geckos straightaway sure they’re only small things it’s not hard to work it out ‘cos their call is just their name, geck-o geck-o geck-o that’s what they say. I didn’t mind it but if you never heard it before it’s a bit of a what-the-fuck-was-that moment, it must of been loud in the bathroom too I suppose.
The door bursts open and Lana comes running out squealing her face all flushed, Will there’s something in there, she goes, some creature.
You’re all right, I says, it’s just a gecko they’re only wee lizards sure they won’t do you any harm. It was a weird moment ‘cos she was standing there with one fist clenched by her side and the other hand up at her mouth, biting on her thumbnail, she wasn’t wearing nothing from the waist down I mean that’s easiest when you’re dealing with squat toilets but still it was a bit of a shock to see her ginger pubes for the first time under such circumstances, not exactly the way I’d been imagining.
Can you get rid of it, she goes. I just turned my palms up and shrugged, they’re pretty fast and hard to catch, I says, and even if I did get him there’ll be another one in there an hour later you’ll get used to it they won’t come near ye don’t worry. I was staring at her fire crotch the whole time thinking fuck me I’m going to go wild with this one she must of seen me, what are you oh sorry, she goes, and puts one hand over her fanny, blushing.
Bit late now, I goes, the ginger cat’s out of the bag, she pulled her hand away and starts laughing, yeah, she says, who cares anyway, and does a wiggle for me, you’re going to be seeing it constantly the next few days and I mean constantly, is that right, I says, sure I don’t think I can stand it much longer Lana why don’t you slide on over her and introduce me to your wee friend.
Look it’s not like me to be bashful or nothing but for some reason it feels out of order talking about those first few days when me and Lana were together. We pretty much stayed in the shack hiding under the mosquito net only getting dressed to go up into Haad Rin to buy bottled water and some scran. We were in the wrong place really, we should of went to one of those quiet wee islands instead of coming to party central but it didn’t seem right at the time sure we hardly knew each other and after the meditation it was good being around people again and hearing their aul chatter even if it was all a load of bollocks and they were just a bunch of wankers mostly.
It might of been too intense if it was just the two of us out in some remote place, at least on Ko Pha-Ngan there was loads of people for us to mingle with if we wanted. The backpackers were arriving by the busload every day more and more of them for the aul full moon party a lot of dickheads really but some all right people too the aul Goa trance music crowd, Germans and Israelis with long hair and dusty feet. Me and Lana talked to these two German girls who said they were here for a psytranceparty it sounded like one big word the way they said it, that’s the Germans for ye like very good at thinking up single words for big long awkward ideas. Every time you talked to one of them and said something like I sort of feel like dancing but I’m a bit tired at the moment maybe later sure you knew they had a word for that feeling. You are müdetanzenmann, they’d say, not exactly a language for whispering sweet nothings in someone’s ear hole is it.
We started venturing outside a bit more then, the aul hippies were good craic and they took their music dead serious, some of them had been coming for years they were worried the whole thing was getting taken over by eejits and getting too commercial, it was hard not to argue like. Me and Lana would take a wee walk along the beach not as romantic as it sounds ‘cos there was thousands of people about running wild and drinking Red Bull and vodka from buckets the stalls would sell. That’s all it was just an aul plastic bucket the sort you’d build a sandcastle with as a kid, a handle so you didn’t drop it and a dozen straws so you could suck the aul go-go juice down like nobody’s business. No wonder everyone was wasted, at least when you finished your drink you could use the same bucket to throw up in very handy so it was sure the Thais think of everything.
We were like an aul courting couple arms round each other holding hands and all that, a bit soppy but sure I didn’t care I was all for reinventing myself or maybe the Thailand was doing it for me sure I never expected that now. It was like we were on the outside looking in just the two of us in our own wee bubble if we weren’t busy pleasuring each other we were out observing the madness as things built up to the big full moon party. Sometimes we’d just sit down at one of the wee food stalls and grab some noodles or something and watch the backpackers dancing about and getting pished it was quite funny so it was but also a bit sad, sure most of them were totally lost they didn’t know who they were or what they were doing.
It’s pretty hedonistic, Lana says to me, that’s a good word, I says, are we living a hedonistic life then, sort of but in our own way, she goes, on our own terms it’s weird but someti
mes you step over a line in life like you wander off the path and all of a sudden you’re in the forest and you see these other people walking along the path all going the same way with the same resigned expressions on their faces and you realise that was you a minute ago but now you can see it you can’t go back even if you wanted to you can try stepping back onto the path and joining the rest except they’re blind they can only see what’s right in front of them but you, you can see the forest all around with the trees stretching up into the canopy and the tropical birds and all this cacophony you’re part of that now and it’s wonderful but how can you explain it to all these people on the stone path who can’t see what you’re seeing?
She was totally on the money right enough, how could I ever tell Big Jim and them ones about the world I’d seen there was no going back for me now sure it would be like being in prison I couldn’t do it, what about if everyone you know is on the path, I says to Lana, does that not mean you’re on your tod in the forest?
No one’s ever alone in the forest, she says, running her fingers up the length of my forearm, there’s always others you just have to find them but you’ll know when you see them.
A wee shiver ran up my back even though it was still dead hot outside. Aye I know, I says, I know that now it’s just I feel like the first of my kind or something like an aul explorer.
You’d be surprised, she goes, I’ve met a few like us but not many true enough that’s why I had to leave Indianapolis.
That’s right I keep meaning to ask ye what it’s like there only your ginger bits keep distracting us.
Oh don’t say that, she says, crossing her legs and blushing you’ll light a spark in me again, I need a rest.
I don’t really know where Indiana is, I goes, all I know is Indiana Jones, it must be a bummer if you live there and your name’s Jones sure everyone would take the mickey asking ye where your temple of doom was and that.
What about the Indy 500, she says, you must have heard of that.
The car racing, I goes, aye right enough that’s out your way isn’t it, is that where your man Cruise done the Days of Thunder? That’s a good aul movie so it is. What’s his name, Cold Trickle or something?
Lana laughed, yes! she goes, Cole Trickle his character’s based on a real driver, I was a pit girl one summer when I was seventeen that was bedlam you get treated like a whore but it was either that or the county fair and I couldn’t stand another few months in the donut truck I can’t even look at a donut now without retching. I don’t mind a donut, I goes, in fact I wouldn’t mind one right now I’ve an aul sweet tooth do you want to get some banana fritters or something?
I ordered dessert from the Thai lad he gave Lana a good looking-over couldn’t help himself like but he near shite when I gave him a stare, two minute two minute, he says, aye hurry up you wee fucker, I goes, or I’ll slap the lugs off of ye.
Lana goes, look they’re mad not to mention totally drunk.
I looked round and there was a couple of Thai lads setting fire to a big skipping rope they were standing up on crates and they started whirling it round it looked good so it did only these pissed backpackers all ran in and started jumping over it or trying to anyway. They went round a few times before it would hit them in the gob and they’d scream and drop down to the sand. Everyone would laugh and cheer and then the rope would start up again round and round the flames leaving a trace in the air that was weird on the eyes. Fuck me, I says, that’s a bit dangerous especially with all these combustible dreadlocks and what have ye in the mix someone’s going to set their fisherman pants on fire and burn their arsehole.
Lana snorted and says, this explains the queue at the first-aid stall we saw earlier.
I was curious about the America I wouldn’t mind going maybe so I says to her, did you just bail out of the Indiana as soon as ye could like? Doesn’t sound like there was much going on there it’s in the middle of nowhere is it not?
Ah, it’s not too bad, she goes, after I left high school I got a job in a cocktail bar downtown, the money was good but it was long hours. It took me a while to save enough to hit the road.
Her parents were aul hippies she’d told me before, no money in the bank so no question of paying for her to go to college or nothing once she turned eighteen she was pretty much on her own but she didn’t mind. You didn’t see too many girls travelling by themselves but Lana had been on the go for a couple of years now, she was only a year younger than me sure she’d been mountain climbing in India and all sorts.
You must of put a fair aul bit aside to keep you going this long, I says, though don’t be worrying about money now sure I’ve got more than I could ever spend.
Yeah, she says, you’ve been a bit mysterious about that did you rob a bank or something not that it would bother me necessarily, she goes on, grinning.
Nah never no banks, I says, sure they’re too hard just a couple of post offices and the odd bookies nothing major.
Did you ever shoot anyone, she goes, laughing. The way she said it threw me off guard and before I could stop myself it was out of me, course, I says, her eyebrows went up and I caught myself then, but you know most of them deserved it well maybe not most of them but some of them did anyway. Fuck sake, I was thinking, stop running your mouth or she’ll be on the next fucking boat out of here.
Sure she just shrugged, I couldn’t believe it. I shot a guy once, she goes, he followed me home from the bar and tried to jump me in an alley just around the corner from my parents’ place.
I just stared at her struck dumb sort of thing.
He was a big bastard too, drunk and strong I wouldn’t have stood a chance. Lucky I listened to Tyrone the bouncer rather than my dad.
Did he give you a piece to carry, I says, finding my voice even though it sounded dead quiet.
Glock 26, she nods. Compact and fits in your bag. Good if you’ve got small hands. She sniffs then and looks off into the distance down to the water’s edge. Shot him twice, she says all confident like it was nothing, he didn’t die though he had to have a liver transplant. He’s still in jail, or at least he should be.
How old were you, I says.
Nineteen, she goes, it doesn’t bother me or anything I mean I’m not one of these gun nuts or really messed up about almost being raped that’s just what it’s like in Indianapolis and either you stay there and carry a concealed weapon when you go out at night or you go live somewhere else. I left the year after and haven’t really been back since. She changed tack then and a big grin broke out on her face, you know I collected My Little Ponies when I was a kid I had like a thousand of them, most of them still in their boxes.
Right, I goes, but what’s that got to do with putting a cap in someone’s ass? I put on my best American accent to try and lighten the mood but it wasn’t very good like.
Oh that’s how I can keep travelling, she says, they’re worth a fortune to collectors especially if the boxes haven’t even been opened. I left them with my cousin, he sells a bunch of them when I need money and puts it in my account.
I laughed dead loud, are you fucking joking, I says, you mean you’re riding a wee pink horse round the world?
Yeah! she goes, ha ha I never thought of it like that, ride ‘em cowboy!
I was in a right aul good mood after that wee talk, everything about this girl was falling into place for me sure she was ticking all the boxes she reminded me of Tanya only even better even more worldly or confident it takes a certain type of person to throw down on some big fucker who’s trying to tear your clothes off in a dark alley, fucking Glock 26 she says, unbelievable like.
Here, I says to her, I know this aul full moon party stuff’s a load of aul bollocks but since we’re here sure we might as well get into it what do you think, totally, she says, let’s cut loose and dance the night away a bit of hedonism never did anyone any harm after being cooped up in that retreat I’m just about game for anything.
We got ourselves a couple of drinks not the buckets sure
that’s for mugs but a couple of good cocktails with umbrellas in them and whatnot. We hunted down some of the trance people sure they stood out a mile only a few of the bars on the beach were playing that sort of music anyway a constant thrum it was, driving into your brain relentless like only in quite a good way it’s hard to explain if ye’ve not experienced it. I wasn’t totally sold but you have to admire anyone with specialist taste particularly when it comes to music. Anyway you could see some of the backpackers drifting towards that part of the beach curious like this wasn’t a sound they were familiar with and when you’re off your face it’s sort of perfect it grabs ye by the shoulders and holds you up all night like a pal who never gets tired and wants to keep going sort of thing sure you feel like a puppet on a string.
Me and Lana were dancing a wee bit after a couple of drinks building up a sweat and trying to get into the music. I felt a wee bit out of place but it was all right sure there was plenty to look at flashing lights and fire twirlers and women in bikinis and fellas doing acrobatics or walking on stilts. Just when I was thinking fuck me I wish I had a couple of pills or a wee line of speed these three lads danced over towards us. They had good moves so they did obviously they were into it dead tan and skinny they were you could see their aul rippling sixpacks they had tribal tattoos on them too and big grins on their faces.
Right, I was thinking, these ones are on something I’d recognise that goofy expression and clenched jaw anywhere. I gave them the nod and leans in, bout ye lads, I goes, youse having a good night?
Fucking beezer mate, one of them says, putting his arm around my shoulder, course wouldn’t you know it they were English.
I laughed to myself and took a deep breath, you like the trance then, I goes, unreal, he says, his eyes were rolling back in his head a bit, are you all right there, I goes, better drink some water or something you’re sweating like a bastard. His eyes went wide then, oh thanks mate, he goes, I lost track there for a bit hey Richie, he says to one of his pals making a drinking motion with his hand, time out for a minute.