by E. N. Joy
“You know how Blake tested HIV positive and I had the whole HIV scare?”
“Yes.” Now Ryan sounded nervous. “But you tested negative . . . a million times . . . right?” Now he felt fear.
Paige could sense what Ryan was thinking. “Yes, absolutely. I’m negative. I don’t have HIV,” Paige confirmed.
Ryan exhaled.
“Blake didn’t give me HIV, but he gave it to Tamarra.”
Ryan didn’t know what to say at first. “Oh, my. That’s . . . that’s awful.” He felt bad for Tamarra, but he still didn’t understand what that had to do with the two of them not getting married.
“I just found out that . . .” Paige held back tears. “She’s dying. She’s on her deathbed. Literally. She was in the hospital, but she wanted to die at home. So she’s at home, I think with hospice care.”
Ryan shook his head. “I’m sorry to hear all this, Paige, but I still don’t understand how this has anything to do with us. I know it’s hard hearing that someone you used to be close with is dying. But you haven’t talked to Tamarra in years. You stopped being her friend, so . . . I hate to sound cold, but I don’t get it.”
“Ryan, the doctors don’t see her making it through the week. We have plans to be gone a week. If I got on that plane without going to see Tamarra, and if I learned when I got back that she’d d—” Paige couldn’t even finish the word as a tear fell from her eye.
“Baby, don’t cry.” Ryan wiped Paige’s tear. “I’m being real selfish right now,” he admitted. “I want you to go through security with me, get on that plane, and return bearing my last name. Because if you don’t—I hate to say this—I don’t think you ever will.”
“Ryan, that’s not true. I love you. I don’t want anything more than to be your wife. I promise you that.”
“But . . .”
“But my soul . . .” Paige’s shoulders began heaving up and down. She couldn’t even finish her thought.
Ryan pulled Paige to his chest. He hugged her and consoled her as much as he knew how, even though he felt like he was the one who needed consoling right about now. He hadn’t been able to sleep the past two weeks. All he’d been thinking about was their trip to the Dominican Republic, where God’s promise would finally be manifested. He had imagined the two of them connecting on a much higher level than ever. But now, with this news that Paige had learned about Tamarra, Ryan knew that even if Paige’s body was with him in the Dominican Republic, her mind would be back in Malvonia. He wanted all of her, or he wanted nothing. And what he didn’t want to do was force her to be somewhere her heart didn’t want to be. He’d question her “I do” forever. So even though he wanted so badly to shake some sense into her, or even go caveman and drag her through security, he thought better of it. He’d rather be left at the altar than know he’d dragged her to the altar.
“Say no more, Paige,” Ryan said. “I understand what you have to do.” That was what his lips said. His heart was hurting, and his head was pissed. But he had his reasons for allowing words to come out of his mouth that he really didn’t mean.
“Do you really?” Paige pulled away, glad that Ryan understood.
Ryan was unable to look Paige in the eye.
Paige sensed that even though Ryan might have understood, he didn’t support her in this. “Ryan, I’m so torn. I’ve been torn since finding this all out. I ran into Lorain when I was dropping the girls off at dance class, and she told me. I prayed on it all the way here. Do I get on this plane, or do I go make peace with Tamarra?”
“I thought you already made peace with her. I thought you forgave her,” Ryan said.
“I did. I forgave her, and then I walked away. Even after I dismissed her from my life, she tried to be there for me, and what did I do? I sent her away when she showed up to support me in court during my trial with Blake. I beat her down at Mother Doreen’s wedding.” Paige shook her head in disgust at her own actions. “Now who is the one who needs forgiving?” Paige let out a muted wail. It wasn’t loud and piercing, but it held just as much pain as if it were.
Passersby started looking at the two of them. Ryan looked around at the inquiring eyes. Some passengers were practically running into others, they were so deep into his and Paige’s business.
“What’s he doing to her?” he heard an older woman ask the woman she was walking with. They looked at Ryan as if he were a woman beater.
Ryan was slightly embarrassed about the scene he and Paige were making. He pulled her to him once again. “Don’t. You don’t have to stand here and explain to me anymore. Just do what you need to do, and I’ll . . .” He thought for a minute. “I’ll go on vacation with my parents and yours.”
Paige quickly lifted her head. She’d forgotten about how many other people would be affected by her not getting on that plane. “Oh, yes, that’s right.” Paige looked horrified. “What are we going to tell our parents?” Paige thought some more. “And the kids?” She turned her back to Ryan. “Dear God. What’s happening here? Why can’t my life be like peach cobbler with extra ice cream for just five minutes?”
“Because you have diabetes,” Ryan joked.
“Yeah, well, my diabetes is under control.” That was true. Paige hadn’t had to take insulin shots for years since first being diagnosed with the disease. “But when will I get my life under control?”
Ryan turned her around. “Your life is under control. And you have a life.”
Conviction hit Paige like a ton of bricks. Was she really complaining about her near perfect life, knowing that Tamarra’s was about to end? “You’re right. You are so right.” Paige immediately wished she could take the words back.
“Passengers Ryan Coleman and Paige Vanderdale, your flight is about to reach the final boarding stage. Paging Ryan Coleman and Paige Vanderdale to US Airways gate forty-two.”
When Paige and Ryan heard those words over the intercom, they both looked at each other.
“Well, sounds like I have a plane to board,” Ryan said. He extended his hands to Paige. Paige placed her hands in Ryan’s. “Are you sure this is what you want to do? Because I’m going to be honest. I want you to get on that plane with me and start a new life with me and not run back to your old life.” Again, those were calm, diplomatic words that Ryan spoke. Inside, he was screaming for Paige to get her behind on that plane.
“Ryan, that’s not fair. I’m not running back to—”
“Like I said, I was just being honest. You are talking to a man who has been both patient and obedient for so long. What I’ve longed for was right at my fingertips, and now it’s not going to happen. Why? Why has my dream seemed so close, and yet I can never mange to reach it?” Ryan looked deeply into Paige’s eyes. “My arm is tired of stretching. Perhaps it’s time to just let it go.”
Paige’s mouth fell open. “Ryan, what are you trying to say?”
“Final boarding call for Ryan Coleman and Paige Vanderdale.” The flight attendant made her last announcement instructing Ryan and Paige to come to gate forty-two. The plane would be departing in fifteen minutes. Once the door to the aircraft was closed, no more passengers would be permitted on the plane.
“You heard her,” Ryan said to Paige in reference to the announcement. “Final call.”
Paige shook her head. “Ryan, don’t do this to me. Because it sounds to me like you’re giving me this underlying ultimatum.”
Ryan shrugged. “Look, I better go.” He nodded toward the security checkpoint. “I’m sure our parents are fit to be tied. At least one of us needs to board this plane.” He kissed Paige on the forehead. “You take care. I’ll say a prayer for your friend.” Ryan turned and headed toward the security checkpoint, his heart wanting to jump out of his chest because it was so full of disappointment and heartache. But like he’d concluded before, if he had to fight and drag her to come and marry him, he wouldn’t.
“I love you, Ryan,” she called. Paige said it like she was trying to convince not only Ryan but also the entire world.
What would her parents say, her mother especially? She’d already questioned Paige’s true feelings for Ryan. Would her mother think that once again she was right? She watched the back of Ryan’s head as he walked away.
Go with him.
Paige didn’t know if it was her head, her heart, or a whisper from God directing her.
“And I’m going to marry you,” Paige called out, making another attempt to reassure Ryan. To reassure the world. “I promise. It’s just that—”
Without turning around, Ryan raised his hand in a wave. He was either waving good-bye to Paige or cutting her off.
Paige’s stomach ached. It ached with regret for letting him walk away. It ached over the hurt she knew she must be causing him. It ached with the pain she felt for Tamarra’s predicament. It ached from the fact that she could possibly be making the biggest mistake of her life by allowing Ryan to walk away. It ached from the fact that she could possibly be making the biggest mistake of her life by going to see about Tamarra.
Even though just moments ago Paige had entered that airport confident that she was following the direction of her spirit woman, doubt began to seep in. Her flesh and her spirit were at war, which was always a terrible thing. One never knew which one would prevail.
Paige just stood there as Ryan managed to get airport assistance in passing through the security checkpoint ahead of everyone else in the line so that he could catch his plane. Fortunately, Columbus’s airport was fairly small. It didn’t have trains and whatnot that passengers had to take in order to get to their gates. Paige knew Ryan would get to his destination in time.
She took a deep breath in and then exhaled. Now would she get to hers in time?
“It could be me,” Paige mumbled as she drove to Tamarra’s home. She decided she wouldn’t waste any time going back to her house. “Dear God, that could be me. Blake was my husband. I was the one sleeping with him every night. And yet Tamarra caught the virus.”
Paige just kept shaking her head in disbelief as she drove to Tamarra’s house. She was in disbelief that Tamarra had caught the virus. She was in disbelief that she hadn’t. She felt guilty after thanking God that she didn’t have it, knowing that Tamarra did. She prayed during the entire drive. Paige was consumed with thoughts of how Tamarra would receive her and wondered if she would even agree to.
“Lord, what if she won’t even let me in the door, the same way I wouldn’t let her in the courtroom to support me?” Paige asked in her conversation with God. “This could be a waste of time. I could be sacrificing my relationship with Ryan for nothing.”
Paige was absolutely horrified at the thought. While she was at the airport, she hadn’t once stopped to think about the fact that Tamarra might not even want to see her.
“God, you wouldn’t send me to her home, knowing she wouldn’t receive me, would you?” Paige didn’t even have to wait on an answer from God to that question. She smiled. “Then again, you sent your Son here, knowing that not everyone would receive Him, huh?”
Relief and peace settled over Paige’s heart. She had managed to convince herself again that she was doing what God had instructed her to do, and that was all that mattered. Paige repeated aloud words Pastor Margie had once said. “If God sends you somewhere, it doesn’t matter whether anyone else shows up or not. As long as you are where you are supposed to be is all God’s concerned about.”
As Paige pulled up in front of Tamarra’s house, she saw about three cars in the driveway, and so she parked in front of the house. Paige was now where she was supposed to be. She put the car in park, turned it off, and then looked up to the heavens. “So now that I’m where I’m supposed to be, Lord, tell me what I’m now supposed to do.”
Chapter 29
Not sure how long she would be inside Tamarra’s house, if she was even allowed to step foot in there, Paige decided to send Ryan a text, asking him to apologize to both her parents as well as his. Paige’s parents didn’t do cell phones, or else she would have sent them a text directly. She was certain, though, that her mother would call her just as soon as she could to get from the horse’s mouth the reason why Paige hadn’t gotten her butt on that plane.
After sending the text, Paige got out of the car and walked up the walkway to Tamarra’s house, passing the FOR SALE BY BANK sign that was planted in her front yard. Paige crept up to Tamarra’s doorstep. The more steps she took, the longer the walkway seemed to get. She wanted to turn around a million times, afraid of what was going to happen when she knocked on that door. Well, the time had come to find out. Paige stepped up on the porch and rang the doorbell. Her stomach was doing somersaults until finally the front door opened.
“Hi. May I help you?” an older woman asked.
Although Paige had never met Tamarra’s mother in the flesh, she’d seen enough pictures of her to know her when she saw her.
“Mrs. Evans?” Paige said.
“Yes.” The woman stared at Paige. Clearly, Paige knew who she was, but Mrs. Evans couldn’t place Paige.
“I’m Paige. We’ve never met before, but I’ve heard so much about you,” Paige said. “It’s good to finally meet you.”
“Oh, Paige, Paige.” Mrs. Evans’s eyes lit up. “Dear God, I can’t believe I finally get to meet you in person.” She opened the door wide and gave Paige a big, warm, welcoming hug. Come on in here.” She moved to the side to allow Paige in the house.
Paige hesitated, shocked that she’d at least been granted access to the home. Of course, Tamarra had the right to put her out, though. She would just have to take that chance. Paige stepped inside.
“Tamarra talked about you so much. I had just never made it down from Maryland to meet you.” She escorted Paige into the front room, where an older man was sitting and watching television. “Honey, this here is Paige,” Mrs. Evans said.
The room still had the same furniture, as far as Paige could remember. It looked as though Tamarra had rearranged things some, but that wasn’t what made the room look different. It was the lighting. The curtains on the large triple-pane front window were drawn. It was evening, and the sun was going down. But for some reason, Paige felt as though even if the sun had just risen, there still would be darkness in the room. Perhaps it wasn’t the lighting that was making the room so dark. After all, the lamp on the end table was on, and there was light coming from the television. Paige surmised that it was the feeling that was dark . . . the mood.
“Hi, Mr. Evans,” Paige said and waved. She used an upbeat, bubbly tone, trying to bring just a hint of light to the situation.
“Hey, suga. Good to meet you,” Mr. Evans said from his chair. He immediately turned his attention back to the show he was watching on television.
Paige didn’t press by asking him any questions, like the standard “How are you holding up?” It was clear he didn’t want to engage. Paige could only imagine how hard it must be for him to think about the fact that he was about to lose his daughter, let alone talk about it.
Mrs. Evans decided to trample on the silence. “Every time I ask Tamarra about you, she always says you’re doing fine. I know she said you got married, had some babies or something. She told me you two don’t talk as much, what with you busy with family and her so busy with running and building her own company all these years. Her daddy and I have visited a couple times and never got to see you. I was hoping we would now that . . .” Mrs. Evans’s words faded.
Paige honestly didn’t know what to say. It sounded as if Tamarra had never told her parents that the two of them had had a falling-out, which was the real reason they were estranged.
“Anyway,” Mrs. Evans continued, “I’m glad to finally meet you. I just wish it wasn’t under these circumstances.” She was becoming teary eyed. She wiped a falling tear away. “Anyway, I’m sure you don’t want me standing here, talking your ear off. You’re here to see Tamarra. She’s in her room.” Mrs. Evans turned and headed up a flight of steps, passing the dining area, which hosted bouquets of flowers Tamarra had receiv
ed.
Mrs. Evans was halfway up the steps when she realized Paige wasn’t behind her. She stopped, turned around, and looked at Paige, who was standing at the bottom of the steps. “You all right? You coming?” she asked Paige.
Paige just stood there. It had been so long since she’d been in this house. Since she’d gone up those steps to the bedroom where she and Tamarra had had many grown-up slumber parties. They’d put away countless pizzas, tubs of ice cream, popcorn, soda, brownies, and potato chips. And they had done a lot of trash talking about the male species and gossiping about church folks. Paige chuckled, just thinking about all the times they’d shared up in Tamarra’s room. It truly did feel bittersweet for Paige to be back in that house again. Was what she was about to see going to forever taint her good memories? Would Tamarra look frail and weak, like Blake? It was those questions that gave Paige pause, literally, at the bottom of the steps.
“Paige, honey. It’s okay,” Mrs. Evans said, nodding her head toward the top landing and proceeding up the steps.
Paige took a deep breath and fought to lift the weight of her legs, which felt like tons, as she climbed the steps. Her mind was still struggling with her decision to go through with this. Her legs were paying the price, wanting to stay planted, as if her feet were buried in cement.
Mrs. Evans stopped outside of Tamarra’s door. She turned to Paige. “A couple folks are in there with her right now. Her nurse, a couple friends from church, and a gal she used to work with.”
Paige nodded. She could hear some light chattering going on, on the other side of the door. Given all the cars parked outside, Paige had figured Tamarra had guests. She just hoped that she wasn’t an unwelcome guest.
Mrs. Evans gave a light tap on the door and then pushed it open. “Hey, baby girl,” she said, entering the room. “I’m back, and I brought someone with me.” She entered the room and, with a huge grin on her face, stepped off to the side. “It’s Paige.”