by Sarah Olson
“I see,” Sir Nicholas said.
The lieutenant dismounted and walked towards Sir Nicholas’s horse. “The decree is ready to be signed,” he said, rolling it up and handing it to Sir Nicholas.
Sir Nicholas took it from him. We sat there in silence as he reread it.
I looked over at James and saw him watching King Luther’s soldiers intently.
“I’m afraid we will have to decline,” Sir Nicholas said, handing the scroll back to the lieutenant.
The lieutenant’s eyes became hard. “You will regret this. King Luther will not be so merciful next time.”
“I never expected him to,” Sir Nicholas said.
The lieutenant stalked off angrily toward his horse and mounted it in one swift movement.
“If King Luther wants to get his son back,” James said, speaking for the first time, “he’s going to have to come here and get him.”
“You are far too confident for your own good, rebel,” the lieutenant said. “In time, you shall all see that.” His eyes landed on mine and I felt his hatred.
It saddened me that this young man could have been like Tristan once but his mind had been changed when he too was forced to become a soldier so young.
“Let’s go men!” the lieutenant ordered. He kicked his horse and the soldiers disappeared into the forest behind them.
“It seems we have a war to prepare ourselves for, James,” Sir Nicholas said when the soldier’s horses could no longer be heard. “I will call for a council meeting tonight. Princess, I would appreciate it if you would join us.”
“I will be there,” I said
That night, James and I walked through the forest to the cabin where the council met. The night was still and the sky was cloudless, littered with stars. Had we not been heading to the council meeting to plan a war, it could have been a romantic night under the stars, walking hand in hand with the man I loved. Instead, I felt the tension in James’s grip. His jaw was set and he would not look at me. This war would not be easy and we both knew it.
“Did you find a way to involve Charlotte in the war that won’t involve her fighting?” I asked, breaking the silence of the still trees around us.
“I’m having her aid the physicians in charge of the wounded. She is to stay behind our lines at all times,” James said, keeping his eyes forward.
“What about me?” I asked.
“You’re going to help her.”
“I’m much better now. I can fight.”
“It’s out of the question,” James barked. “I’m not risking your safety, Layla. And I’m also making plans right now to send Aria to Kings City where she will be cared for by Nadia.”
I blinked back in surprise at his reaction. It had been awhile since he had spoken to me in such a manner. “James—”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to speak to you that way,” he said, calmer now. “I just want you safe. Our people need you safe.”
“Then what was the point of training me? Was it all just for show so the people could see my dedication?”
“That’s how it started,” James admitted.
“So you never meant for me to fight…after everything.” I was filled with disappointment. I had worked so hard.
James finally looked at me. “As I said, that is how it started, but you surprised me. I was going to let you fight if you had wanted to, but now you have been injured and the risk is too great. I cannot let anything happen to you.”
We were just reaching the clearing with the cabin.
“Nothing is going to happen to me,” I said. I reached my lips up and pressed them gently to his. “Come on.”
When we entered the cabin, I found it was a much larger meeting this time since there were more rebel officers to aid in the war plans. A map of Malan and Asteria stretched across the table where men stood around pointing things out. James took charge as soon as we walked in. He presented his tactical plans getting into frequent arguments with Raphael and other officers. Tristan remained quiet while Davorin gave his own input.
“Raphael,” James said. “You are in charge of getting Luther’s men to cross the river. I want a thousand men on the Asteria side. When Luther’s men attack, you need to pull back across the river so they will follow. They may be hesitant at first but they will. Luther cannot risk losing his only heir.”
“Yes, sir,” Raphael said.
“King Darius has assured me his soldiers will make their camp behind our villages,” James continued. “This way they will come to our aid as soon as Luther breaks his treaty.
“When the beacons are lit, I will take three thousand of our soldiers around the western base of the Northern Mountains. When Luther’s Fort empties and his men are stretched thin protecting his palace, we will attack it. During that time, I will send a few hundred on horseback to the Harvest Plains and other towns to incite the rebellion among the people. We have allies waiting for their chance to strike. Expect this war to be long and hard. It will not be an easy defeat.”
“Why are you leading the palace attack?” Tristan asked. “I thought I was.”
“Plans have changed,” Sir Nicholas told his son. “As general, it made more sense for him to lead it. However you will be in that battalion since your knowledge of the palace exceeds all of ours.”
“Yes, sir,” Tristan said.
He was not at all amused with the arrangement and, frankly, neither was I. This was the first time I was hearing James would not even be staying in the villages during the war. I was going to go weeks—possibly even months without seeing or hearing from him. I would be filled with fear when I thought of him because I would never know if he was safe.
I sat there quietly as officers asked questions and were given details for each attack. Raphael was not happy with the fact our six thousand soldiers were being split in half.
“What if you’re wrong and Luther doesn’t cross the river?” he asked angrily. “King Darius has made it clear he will not use his army unless Luther does. You expect us to hold up with three thousand soldiers? Why not just leave all of them here and wait until we defeat them and then go for the palace?”
“And risk King Luther escaping?” James said. “Even if we defeated them, those who retreat will go to guard the palace and that could be disastrous since the fort is right there. We need to strike the two at the same time.”
“This is the plan Raphael,” Sir Nicholas intervened. “And it is final unless another viable solution is found.”
When I was asked what I thought, I nodded but I felt numb. I suddenly doubted our ability to win.
“You didn’t tell me you were leaving,” I said to James as we walked back.
“It was just recently decided,” James said.
“And you didn’t think it was important to mention it?”
“Well you know now.”
“James,” I said, stopping to look at him, “please let someone else lead the rebels there. Stay here.”
“I can’t,” he said. “It’s done.”
“Please,” I begged. “What if something happens to you and I never see you again? I will not hear from you for weeks. I will be scared for you every day. What if Luther’s army is better than we imagined and we get defeated? You’ll be stuck in the middle of Asteria and he will have you executed if you haven’t already been killed!” I did not care if I sounded selfish, I could not let him go.
“That’s not going to happen,” he said, taking my hands. “We’ve been planning this for years, it’ll work.”
“I don’t think I can live without you,” I said, tears in my eyes.
“Then let’s live the time we have before the war together,” he said, his blue eyes reflecting in the moonlight. He took my hand, got down on one knee. “Marry me, Layla.”
Chapter 51
“WHAT?” I ASKED, surprise surging through me.
“I love you, Layla,” James said. “I love you in a way I have never loved anyone before. If anything happens to either of us i
n this war, I want to make sure we do not have any regrets. I want to be certain we did not waste any time. So marry me and let’s live the rest of our lives, no matter how long or short they may be, together.”
I just stood there and stared at him. He wanted to marry me and I wanted to say yes, but I was afraid. Something inside me was keeping me from it. It was telling me that I might lose him and be more heartbroken than ever. It told me that if I did not commit, it would not hurt so much.
The future is always uncertain. Look at what it did to Charlotte.
“Layla?” James asked, still kneeling and hold my hand.
“I—I don’t know,” I said, feeling my heart crack in two when I saw pain flash across his face. “I don’t know if I can. As least right now.”
“You don’t want to marry me?” he asked, his voice trying to mask the hurt that filled it.
“I’m sorry,” I said, taking my hand from his.
Without another word, I ran away, leaving him alone in the night. The shadows around me blurred with tears as I ran to the barn where Dusk was kept. I could not go home now and explain my tears to Betsy. Instead I just hid in Dusk’s stall and clung to her neck as I cried.
The door to the barn opened and I heard someone leading their horse in. I crouched in the corner of the stall and tried to muffle my sobs. The look of pain in James’s eyes flashed through my mind and I let out a small cry as I covered my mouth.
The footsteps stopped. “Hello?” Tristan’s voice.
I could not hold it in anymore and my sobs got the better of me as I leaned into the wall.
“Layla!” Tristan exclaimed as his face loomed over the stall door. He unlatched it quickly and knelt beside me. I let him wrap his arms around me as I shuddered with grief.
“What’s wrong? Tristan asked. “Talk to me.” He smoothed my hair.
“I—I told him I didn’t know,” I stammered between sobs.
“You told who you didn’t know?” His voice was kind and soothing.
My chest tightened as I fought his name out. “James. He—he asked me to marry him.”
Tristan pulled away and I got a glimpse of confusion in his hazel eyes. “You told him you didn’t know?”
The tears came faster now.
“Why?”
“You were right,” I said, wiping my cheeks. “I love him. But I can’t bear to lose him.”
Tristan nodded in understanding. “Wouldn’t you rather have a chance to be with him for a day than never?”
“You don’t understand!” I cried. “It would hurt more.”
Tristan hugged me. “If we all lived our lives in fear of pain, we will never truly live. You cannot hide from the things you fear most, you have to face them.”
I clung to his shirt and said nothing. How could I respond to those words?
“Let’s get you home,” Tristan whispered.
As he led me around the back of the town, I could not be more grateful to him. I had missed the way he comforted me when I was upset all those years ago. I had always known I could turn to him and the years had not changed that.
“What is wrong, Layla?” Betsy asked worriedly, when Tristan led me into the house.
“She just needs some rest,” Tristan said, piloting me to my room.
I lay down on the bed and buried my face in the pillow.
“Remember what I said,” Tristan whispered in my ear.
I heard the door close and I was alone. I felt like a child as my tears soaked into my pillow. I had told the man I loved I did not know if I could marry him possibly days before he leaves for battle. I may never see him again. The voice of doubt haunted my thoughts and my dreams as I drifted into a troubled sleep.
The next morning, I lay in bed hoping that the night before was just a bad dream. Sunlight streamed in through the windows and bathed the room in a yellow light. A knock sounded at the door. I sat up as the door opened expecting Betsy but it was Charlotte.
“Hey,” she said. “Can I come in?”
I nodded, hoping that my face wasn’t still puffy and red.
“Tristan came home last night and told me what happened,” Charlotte said, sitting on the edge of my bed.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I wish he hadn’t,” I whispered.
“He’s worried about you and so I am I. I thought you loved James.”
“I do.”
“Then why did you turn him down?” she asked.
“I didn’t say no—I—I told him I didn’t know if I could—at least right now.” Tears threatened to release.
“Why? Is it that you aren’t ready?”
“I’m afraid,” I said as tears leaked onto my cheeks.
Charlotte took my hand in hers and we sat there in silence for a few minutes. “Layla, look at me,” she finally said.
I looked up from my lap and met her eyes.
“Are you doing this because you saw me lose Mitchell?” she asked quietly.
I turned away from her and did not answer.
She continued quietly, “For just the few months I was married to Mitchell, I had never been happier. Did it devastate me when he died? Yes, but he has also given me something I could have never had without him. He gave me memories of good times I can look back on for the rest of my life. He gave me the child I am carrying so I can keep a part of him alive always. You are the one that told me that. You cannot live your life looking to the future. You need to live in it today. Take each day one at a time.”
I looked into Charlotte’s face and saw that tears had welled up in her eyes. I knew she was right but I still felt held back.
“I know,” I whispered. “But I am not as strong as you.”
“How could you say that with everything you’ve been through?” Charlotte asked.
“You think that all of that was easy? That losing Richard and everything I had ever known was something I got over quickly?”
Charlotte watched me silently.
“Those first few months that I was here in the villages, I was dying inside, Charlotte. Dying. You didn’t know because I hid it from everyone. But I was terrorized with nightmares and I was alone.”
“You weren’t alone,” she said. “I was here. Mrs. Hopkins was here.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes. “But you didn’t understand. I was so broken, and I still am. You were right about me closing my heart. When James asked me to marry him, I couldn’t say yes because I still haven’t opened it—I haven’t given it to him.”
“Layla, I am so sorry,” Charlotte said. “I didn’t know you had been in so much pain. But you are wrong about not being strong. If you weren’t strong, you would have given up, but you didn’t. And I know that you will get through everything even if you don’t believe it.”
“I need to think,” I whispered.
Charlotte stood to leave. “I know, and I have faith you will make the right decision.”
I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how to make things right. I needed to be certain with whatever I chose and the thought of not choosing James devastated me. But fear held me back no matter how much I wanted him. Part of me hoped he would come by during his breaks from the camp the way he normally did and we could figure it out together, but as the sun slid down behind the mountains, there was no sign of him.
Betsy came home just as I finished dinner and when we sat down to eat, I told her everything.
“You have been speaking of nothing but that man, and then as soon as he proposes to you, you tell him no?” she gasped furiously when I finished.
“I didn’t say no!” I exclaimed defensively.
“You might as well have!”
“I don’t need this right now!” I yelled. “Do you have any idea how hard this has been for me? I love him, but he is leaving to attack the palace and I am afraid if I marry him and he leaves, I will never see him again! You saw how Charlotte was! I don’t think I can handle that.”
Betsy’s face softened. “So what are you going to do?�
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I took a deep breath. “I don’t know.”
Betsy gave me a knowing look. “Have you spoken to him since then?”
“I was hoping he’d come by like he usually does.”
“Layla, you just broke the man’s heart and you think he’s going to come and visit you?” she asked incredulously. “You need to go find him and tell him how you feel.”
“I know that now,” I said. “I just don’t know what to say.”
“Be honest,” Betsy said, taking Aria out of her chair. “Ask yourself if this is what you want. Do you want to marry him? No one can make that decision for you.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“I am going to put Aria to bed. Clean this up and think about it. You cannot leave things the way they are.”
As I washed the dishes, I tried to imagine going to James and talking to him. But it did not matter how hard I tried—I could not find words that would excuse my behavior. When I finished cleaning up, I went to Aria’s room, gave her a goodnight kiss and then retreated to my own where I collapsed onto the bed. As I drifted off to sleep, I hoped I would find the words to make things right.
The next morning Betsy did not bring James up and I was thankful for it because I still did not have an answer. She left Aria with me, so when I finished cleaning the house, I sat in her room to play with her. About an hour after lunch, I put her down for her nap when a knock sounded at the door.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Layla?” Davorin exclaimed angrily when I opened the door.
“Hello to you too,” I said sarcastically. “What do you want Davorin?”
“I want an explanation,” he said viciously. “I want you to explain to me how one moment you are so in love with James, and the next, right after he puts himself out there and asks you to marry him, you tell him no!”
“I didn’t say no!” I yelled. “And it’s none of your business!”