by McLean, Jay
"Amanda," I said, trying to get her to see me. She looked up and into my eyes. "This," I motioned my finger between us. "It's not—I mean, it means more to me than what you're probably thinking. I'll definitely call you, okay?"
She nodded, and then turned and walked away. I hated it. Seeing her walk away. I just—I don't know. I didn't want this to end. The truth is I actually gave a shit—if she didn't want to see me again—or want me at all. For the first time ever, I actually cared.
"Wait!" I ran up to her. She turned around with a confused look on her face.
"Do you have a break tomorrow? I mean—shit. Is that too soon? Is it like creepy stalker too soon? Fuck."
She laughed at me. "I have a break at two, and no, I mean maybe, but not for me, too soon, I mean. And even if it is, who gives a shit." She shrugged. "I would love to see you, too soon."
Then she turned around and walked away, and I let her. I waited until she was in the house and I saw her bedroom light turn on. I got back into my car and pulled out my phone. I was about to text her, but she beat me to it.
Is it too soon to tell you that I'm already missing the shit out of you?
ELEVEN
-Present-
Amanda
Amanda: I saw him again.
Alexis: I assume we're talking about Logan?
Amanda: Yeah :(
Alexis: And?
Amanda: He kissed me.
Alexis: AND?
Amanda: I kissed him back.
Alexis: AANNDD?
Amanda: And nothing. I still hate him. And I hate myself for letting him have that part of me.
Alexis: I'm sorry, babe.
Amanda: Me too. :(
Alexis: Totally inappropriate, but how does he look?
Amanda: Totally messing with my emotions, but ah-fucking-mazing.
Alexis: Sigh. So dreamy.
Amanda: I hate him.
Alexis: I know, babe.
"Amanda?" His soft voice sounded from behind me. I turned to face him. His hands were in his pockets, his arms stiff, causing his shoulder muscles to pop. He was shivering a little from the cold. I wanted to reach move closer so he could use my body to warm him. I didn't. "You're leaving?" he asked. We stood in the dark in Micky's front yard.
I nodded
He looked around. "How are you getting home?"
"Cab."
"Alone?" He kept looking around the empty yard.
I nodded again.
He rubbed his palm against his jaw. I remembered that. It was one of the things he did that stayed in my mind long after he was gone.
"I don't really—" He sighed. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I don't really think I'm comfortable with you taking a cab alone. I'd offer to drive you, but I've been drinking. So, at least let me ride with you. You don't have to talk to me at all. I won't try anything. I won't kiss you. I won't talk to you. I won't even look at you. Swear it."
My eyes never left his. "It's not really your call what I do, is it?" I spat out.
"Amanda, I'm just worried—"
A bitter laugh escaped, interrupting him. "You know what? I worried about you, too. I thought that maybe something had happened to you. That night? When you promised you'd call me, and you never did. You remember that, right?"
He nodded his head slowly, his gaze intense.
"See, I swear I thought we had something. I was so sure that you wanted me too, the way I wanted you. God, I was so stupid. I actually thought you wanted me. Logan Fucking Matthews, with me?" I laughed to myself. "At least I can laugh about it now. But then, shit. Back then; I was genuinely worried about you. I thought for sure something bad had happened. Like, you'd been in a car accident or something—but of course I couldn't just call you. I didn't want be that pathetic girl that didn't get the hint. So you know what I did? I googled you—for days! Nothing came up.
"And you know what the worst part is? I waited—days—no weeks. Weeks. I would have still spoken to you weeks after. Every day I told myself you were going to call, or come around, or surprise me at work. How fucking pathetic is that?"
His mouth opened to say something but I stopped him. "It was so fucking pathetic! So for days and days I waited and nothing. Not a single fucking thing from you." I was getting angry now. My words sharp, harsh. The tears started. I remembered everything. He stood there, and listened silently, hands still in pockets. He stared, right into my eyes, and he waited.
"Pathetic me, waiting for you, and I get nothing. For weeks, I sat around feeling sorry for myself. Because I fucking let you get to me. Until finally, Alexis convinces me that I need to get out. That I need to move on. So I do. I go to a stupid club, and who just happens to be there? You! You and some girl on your lap. And you couldn't keep your fucking hands off each other! And I hated it." My voice broke. "I hated that I had to see it. And I hated you!"
The anger consumed me. I started pushing him. He took every shove, not making a move to stop me. He stayed silent, while I got out over a years worth of anger, frustration and heartbreak.
"I hated you so much that I left that stupid club and the stupid memory of you with it. I moved on and screwed some guy I didn't even care about!" Push. "And just like you, he treated me like shit!" Push. "And I didn't even fucking care anymore because it was you I hated. I still hate you." Push. "And now I'm here, and I have to deal with it. I have to deal with you, and that one stupid night we had." Push. Shove. Push.
"It wasn't stupid Amanda," he finally spoke, pinning my arms to my sides and holding me to him.
"What!"
"That night, with you. It wasn't stupid," he said flatly.
I pulled myself off him, "Fuck you, Logan."
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice quiet.
And I make the stupid mistake of looking at him.
And I see it, the sadness consumed there.
But I don't care.
Because I hate him.
A bunch of guys came streaming out the front door. Some of them patting Logan on the back, or giving him some choice words. We never once took our eyes off each other.
I hate him.
"Amanda?" a deep voice interrupted. We both turned to see Shane, one of my brother's friends. "It is you."
He scratched his head.
"Hey, Shane. How are you?" I tried to act polite; hoping the anger inside me wasn't evident in my tone.
"Good. Are you okay?" He looked from me, to Logan, and back again. Logan's stared at the ground, like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.
I nodded.
"You uh, you need a ride home?
"Yes!" I shouted, before calming myself down. "Please. Thank you."
He waited for me to walk ahead of him, putting his hand on my back, as he led me to his car.
I don't turn around.
I don't look back.
Because I don't hate him.
Logan
For over a year I tried to forget that night with her existed. I tried to not think about what she must have been thinking, or how she must have felt. Eventually I convinced myself that she didn't care. That I was just another boy, another date, another night.
But then she stood in front of me and told me all this shit, and it took everything in me to not hold her. To not tell her the truth. To not tell her how sorry I am and beg for her to fucking forgive me.
So I stood there, and let her take out a years worth of anger and pain and I did nothing to make it better.
Because I can't.
How the fuck can I make things right, when it's too damn late for all of it.
And then she left, with some guy she apparently knows and I did nothing to stop her. Because she's not mine and I have no right.
I fucked up.
I fucked up bad.
And I want her.
I want her so fucking bad.
TWELVE
-Past-
The scare
I woke up mid morning the next day seedy and tired as fuck. I smiled to myself. So worth it.
Dad was in the kitchen reading the paper when I walked in. He lifted his head when he heard me come in. "Late night?" he asked, a knowing smirk on his face.
"Yeah, you could say that." I opened the fridge, and then closed it again. Stupid habit.
"Has she left?"
"Yeah." I cleared my throat. "I took her home last night, or this morning actually."
He nodded once, not taking his eyes off me. "Do we need to talk about protection?"
"No!" I said quickly. Then calmed myself down. "No. I'm good with that—trust me. But that's not—I mean, we didn't last night."
His eyes went wide; he misunderstood.
"No, that's not what I meant, I mean, we didn't...do that. We didn't have sex." I clarified.
He exhaled, relieved, and then went back to reading the paper.
I watched him. He's always been quiet, never really wanting to get too involved in my business. He got that sometimes I just needed to do things my way. I understood it was hard for him, without a woman around, to deal with certain things. He really made an effort to be both for me, but I got that it can be awkward for him.
"I really like her. Amanda, that's her name," I told him. I wanted to tell someone.
He looked up with a smile on his face. He folded the paper and put it aside, then leaned forward on his elbows, giving me his full attention.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah, she's something else. I'm actually going to meet her at work on her break today. Do you think it's too soon? I mean last night was our first date."
"Date?" he said, eyebrows raised.
I couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, date. It's strange, huh? Me going on a date."
"It's not strange, Logan. It's just about time. And no, I don't think it's too soon. If you both want to see each other then it doesn't matter, right?"
"I guess." I shrugged. "I feel like I need to do something, to tell her, or show her, that I liked being with her, you know?"
"Well, what does she like?"
I thought for a while. "Red Gummy Bears."
"Well, there you go." He smiled as he stood up and left the room.
***
I finally picked out two bags with the most red gummy bears and started walking to the checkout.
That's when I saw her.
She stood in the middle of the aisle, looking down at something in her hands.
"Micky!" I yelled.
She dropped what she was holding. It fell to the floor.
I walked over to her.
She looked up, her face pale, her eyes wide, shocked. She was frozen. She hadn't moved since she saw me. She hadn't blinked. I doubt she was even breathing.
I stopped a few feet from her. I looked from her, to the floor and then the shelf. She still hadn't moved. I picked up the item and look at it. My stomach dropped to the floor.
A pregnancy test.
I lifted my gaze. Our eyes locked. And before I could say anything, she folded over herself and as a sob overtook her.
I put the gummy bears on a shelf, brought into my arms and led her to my car.
There was a goddamn ache in my chest and I didn't know why.
I tried to talk through the lump in my throat but nothing came out.
She sat there sobbing and frantically wiping her tears. She was trying to breathe through it, to calm herself down. And eventually, it started to work.
I don't know how much more this girl could take. And I don't know if there was anything I could have done to make it better. So I said the only thing I could think of to say; "You're pregnant?"
"I don't know." She said it so quietly I almost didn't hear it.
"So you haven't taken the test yet?"
"No." She started crying again. "Please, Logan. You can't tell anybody about this. No one. Especially Jake, please." She didn't want Jake to know. Why? Either way, I wasn't going to say shit to anyone.
"Mikayla, I wouldn't. It's not my story to tell."
Silence.
I sat there watching her for what felt like forever. "My dad's a doctor, I can take you to him, just to be sure. It's all confidential. It's the law or some shit. No one will know. I promise."
She nodded her head, looking out the window. I started the car and drove to Dad's practice.
***
I told her to sit in the waiting room while I found my Dad.
She held on to my arm, stopping me from walking away.
I stopped and turned to face her.
She had tears in her eyes, waiting to fall. She looked up at me, and then suddenly her arms were around me, her face on my chest. She started crying again, and I don't know if she knew how loud she was, because the other people in the waiting room all looked up at her. Linda, the receptionist, saw what was going on, "Take her to your dad’s office, Logan."
So I did.
A few minutes later Dad came in. He closed the door behind him. Then looked from me, then to Micky, and back to me again. "What's going on, Logan?" He said this suspiciously. And then it hit me, what it must look like to him. Me, bringing in some random girl, who's in tears, to see him, a doctor.
"Dad," I greeted. "This is Mikayla, uh...Jake's Mikayla."
I could see him visibly relax, before a different emotion took over his features. He moved to squat in front of Micky, so they were eye to eye. "Hi, Mikayla," he started. "I'm Dr. Matthews, but you can call me Alan." He smiled at her. It was sympathetic, but it was also genuine. "What can I help you with today?"
She looked at him, then up at me. Our eyes locked for a second before tears started streaming down her face again. "I can't..." she trailed off.
I cleared my throat. Dad faced me.
"Micky needs a pregnancy test done." I told him.
He smiled at Micky. "That won't be a problem. I'll take you to see Michele, my assistant. She'll take care of everything for you, okay?"
Micky nodded again.
"Mikayla, whatever happens here, everything will be okay. I promise," he assured her.
Micky stood up and walked to the door, my dad led her with his hand on her back. She stopped next to me, took my hand in hers and squeezed once, looking me right in the eye, and then they left the room.
And there was that fucking ache in my chest again.
Ten minutes later she came back smiling. I couldn't help but smile, too.
"Good news I take it?"
She was crying happy tears. She wiped them away with the back of her hand. Then she laughed. It was that nervous, relieved kind of laugh. "Oh my God, Logan. I was so frickin scared." Then her arms were around my neck as she bought me down to hug her. She's a lot shorter than me, so I had to bend down, my face landing on her shoulder. She wore perfume. It was flowery. Amanda's was fruity.
Amanda.
Shit!
As we headed back to my car I pulled out my phone. It was 3:15.
There was a text from her.
Amanda: ??
My fingers became anxious. I had to type the text over and over.
Logan: I'm so sorry! Something came up. I really want to see you though. I have a stupid thing I have to do tonight. Can I see you tomorrow? Please?
***
I ended up getting Julie from her friend's house, which happened to be the street down from mine. I dropped by the house to pick up my gear bag. I was meeting Jake at the cages after.
When we pulled up in the driveway, Jake's truck was already there. I saw him step out, and I knew instantly what he was thinking. Because I would, too.
I turned to Micky, her eyes were wide, questioning. "I didn't say a word. Swear it."
We both looked back to Jake.
His fists were balled at his sides.
Jaw tense.
Eyes filled with rage.
He was pissed.
Beyond pissed.
"You girls stay here, okay?" Micky nodded before I stepped out of the car.
***
The second I'm out of the car he was on me, pushing and shoving and yelling and I was two seconds from fucking punching him. But then I remembered that Julie was there.
I got why he was pissed, he loved Micky and he thought we were fucking around, but he wouldn't give me a chance to tell him what was going on, and I tried to calm him down but he wouldn't quit getting in my face. He was acting like an asshole, and I was about to shove him back when I heard Julie scream. I turned to see her in the middle of the road, standing inches away from a car that had almost hit her. I looked back to Jake and he was yelling at both of them. What the fuck was wrong with him? I'd never seen that side of Jake before and if I ever saw it again, we'd be done.
***
I spent the rest of the afternoon subconsciously glancing at my phone, waiting for a text from Amanda.
Jake called and wanted to know what happened. I told him to ask Micky. It wasn't my place to say, and if she wanted him to know, she had to be the one to tell him.
There was function on that night with some pharmaceutical company that Dad was involved with. I normally didn't have to go to those things, but he went on a few dates with one of the women from the company, and it didn't turn out so well. I was his buffer. If I didn't have to go with him, I'd definitely be going to see her, I was sure of it.
***
The dinner seemed to go forever, and I was constantly checking my phone. I hadn't heard from her since her text earlier. By the time we got home, it was nearing ten.
Still nothing.
I changed out of my suit and got into bed, but I was restless as fuck and I knew it was because I couldn't stop thinking about her. I picked up the phone from my nightstand and found her number. Then stared at it. I don't know how long I looked at it before I finally jumped out of bed and started pacing the room.