Both my mom and his claimed he never would.
I had to hear it from him.
I didn’t want to live my life constantly having to prove myself to these pretentious people who cared more about Beck’s image than his happiness.
I wanted to be accepted to be loved to be appreciated.
I had to know the truth before I moved with him.
What were his intentions toward me?
Would he ever marry me?
Or would I always just be the nanny.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chicken Mole
Man, that show had been amazing. Our formation wasn’t as tight as I liked but we had killed it. I couldn’t wait to fly for the next nine months.
Once I disembarked from the plane, I walked over to the chalet to see Paloma and Sky, but she was nowhere to be found.
What the fuck? She left?
My mother on the hand was waving me down.
“Beck, darling, that was incredible.”
“Thanks, Mom. Where’s Dad? Did you meet Paloma? She was here with her sisters and Sky.”
“Dad is back at the Navy Lodge. I’m afraid he’s come down with a bug. I did meet your nanny. Feisty, isn’t she.”
Great. I wasn’t going to fight with her in my uniform. I lowered my voice. “She’s not my nanny—she’s my girlfriend. What did you say to her?”
She shook her head but I couldn’t read her face because she used way too much Botox. “Really, Beckett. Sleeping with your nanny. What a disgrace. Poor Catherine would be rolling in her grave. I understand the need to have a lover, but the poor girl thinks you will marry her. End this at once before you ruin your career.”
I cringed when my mom said lover. “Listen to me, mom. I love her. And Sky loves her, too. She’s a part of my life and if you want to be part of my life and Sky’s, I suggest you get over yourself.”
I walked away from her and went back to greeting the rest of the fans. That was my job. I wanted to run after Paloma, but I had an obligation to fulfill. I glanced back and my had left the chalet. Good riddance.
She would come to her senses. And if not, she could learn to live without me and Sky.
Two hours later, I returned home.
I handed her a dozen red roses. “I’m sorry about my mom. I took care of it.”
“It’s fine. I understand. My mom is a piece of work too. Let’s enjoy our last night together.”
My heart skipped. “What do you mean by that? You are coming with me, aren’t you?”
She placed her hand on my chest. “We will talk after dinner.”
“No, I want to talk now. Are you leaving me?”
Her lips trembled. “Please, Beck. Can’t we just enjoy dinner?”
Fine, whatever. I sat down at the table. Paloma had made another incredible meal, chicken mole. We made small talk with the girls who were still talking about how much fun we had at the dance a few nights ago. We’d taken pictures, danced together, and then I took them out for ice cream. Was Paloma really leaving me? She couldn’t. I loved her and her sisters. And what about Sky?
After we put the girls to bed, I cornered her in the kitchen.
“Dammit, Paloma. Don’t shut me out. What did my mom say to you?”
“It doesn’t matter what she said to me. I’m not moving with you to Florida.”
Her words knocked the wind out of me.
And for the second time in my life, I knew I had just lost the woman I loved.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Caviar
Beck’s fist clenched. I couldn’t believe what I had just said. But my decision was final.
I was moving to San Diego.
Tomorrow.
“Why Paloma? Why are you doing this to me? I love you dammit. Isn’t that enough?”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not enough. I deserve more.”
“What do you want from me? Babe, I’m crazy about you. Sky loves you. I love your sisters. Of course, it’s a good idea”
“But you will be flying around the country. I will never ever see you.”
“I come home most weeks for a few days.”
“But what about the rest of the time? I won’t know anyone. And people will talk there like they talk here.” People like his mother. I had tried to be strong and proud but her words and stung me deep.
“I don’t care what people think. Not Charlie, not my mom. I just want to be with you. Don’t you get that?”
I believed that he thought that now. But I also thought that his feelings could change.
“Your mom hates me. I don’t sip champagne and eat caviar. I don’t want to ruin your life.”
“You would never ruin my life. You are my life.”
He kissed me, and I melted. He was great. I had no complaints at all about him or our relationship. But deep down no matter how hard I had tried to convince myself otherwise, I had always known that we were on a timeline.
And now our time was up.
I had made my decision.
And even if it was the wrong one, I was sticking to it.
Sure, I could go to Florida, and it could work out. We could get married and I could be Sky’s mommy.
But I would be alone on the base.
I would be ostracized.
And then—he could leave me.
And I would have nothing.
I couldn’t take that risk when my sisters were involved.
My heart constricted in my chest. I couldn’t believe I was the one who was ending this. Especially when my feelings for Beck hadn’t changed.
When he had walked into the door earlier tonight he had a hopeful look on his face. And roses. A dozen red roses. How was I going to be able to tell him?
I pulled back from him.
“Is this about your dad? I’m not him. I’m not going to leave you. I asked you to move to me with Pensacola. He has nothing to do with us.”
And that was when I broke. “How can you say that? He has everything to do with us. Everything. Don't you see that? History is repeating itself.”
He clutched me by the arms. “No, you are wrong. I’m not going to leave you. I’m in love with you.”
I paused. Was I really going to bring up marriage? Yes, I was. I had to lay it all out.
“But do you want to be with me forever?”
His face turned pale. “I’m in love with you. We have only been together for a month. But I’m getting there, babe. You are incredible.”
A lump grew in my throat. “Well, I would marry you. Today. Now.”
He shook his head. “Why do we have to rush everything? We live together. You are moving in with me. I just want to make sure it’s forever.”
“I don't want to be your nanny. I want to be your wife.”
His neck tensed. “My wife? We have only known each other for ten weeks, and we have only been dating for a month. I’m not saying I will never marry you. But it’s too soon right now. Catherine and I dated for six years before I proposed.”
“I’m not Catherine! I’m so sorry that your wife died but I’m not her. And you dated long distance. We live together. I am your wife for all intents and purposes. I cook for you, watch your daughter, clean your house, do your laundry, sleep with you at night.”
He held my arms down. “Babe, listen to me. I’m crazy about you. You know that. But I have so much going on right now. With the airshow season kicking up and waiting to get orders. I don’t know where I will be next year. I’m sure this is going to work out, but I don’t see what’s so wrong about taking this slow.”
“We are not taking this slow. You will never decide to marry me. I’ll always be the nanny. That is not what I want. That is not what I deserve. I love you. And I would make an excellent wife. If you are not ready, I understand. I never expected that you would be. But I can’t move the girls across the country on a maybe.”
He dropped his hands and paced in the kitchen. “So what? You are breaking up with me? After I opened up to you? Trus
ted you with my daughter? After I fell in love with you?”
“You trusted me with your daughter before you opened up to me. You hired me as your nanny, remember?”
“Look, I know you are scared, and I get that. This is a risk. But love is always a risk. And you are worth it to me. I’m not going anywhere. I just want to get through this year, figure out where I’ll be stationed, and then make some decisions. I’ve always been practical. And I want to make sure because Sky is involved.”
I wanted to scream but I didn’t want to wake the girls. “Love isn’t rational! Love is passionate and messy and heart wrenching. I already know I would do anything for you. And I want to know that you feel the same way about me. That I’m not just some runner up because your amazingly beautiful, perfect, classy wife who your mom loved died. I want to know that you love me just as much if not more!”
And with that, I knew I had gone too far. But I didn’t for a second regret the words that came out of my mouth. I meant every one.
“I can’t give you want you want right now. You have no idea what it’s like to have your whole world ripped away from you. My feelings for my wife have nothing to do with my feelings for you. I wish you could understand that.”
“I do understand that. And no, I have no idea what that’s like. But I do know what it’s like to have nothing. Because my entire life has been nothing. Until you. And Sky. And I want this so badly that my heart is in knots. I need you. But I need you to need me to.”
“Of course I need you. You know that. You are everything. You are beautiful, kind, sexy, loving. I’m just not ready to propose to you today.”
“Well, I deserve more. I deserve everything.”
And that was it. I had pushed the issue and he had given me an answer. An answer that I didn’t want to hear but at least it was honest.
“The girls and I are moving to San Diego tomorrow. I’m buying a car and we will be gone. My mom has agreed to terminate her parental rights.”
“So that’s it? After everything we have been through you are just shutting me out?”
“Yup. That’s it. This will never work. We are too different. Like your mom said, I don’t want to ruin our chances.”
He shot me a pointed glared. “That’s so unfair. I never said that, nor do I think that. I don’t bring your mom up.”
He was right. That was dirty. But I didn’t care. I was mad and lashing out. I had just given up the only man I had loved. “I’m sorry. But it’s true. You deserve someone like Catherine. Not me.”
He walked over to me and held me, and I didn’t push him away. “But I want you.”
I want you too. “We can’t always have what we want.”
“What about Sky? She loves you.”
And that broke me. “I love her too. But I don’t want to be her nanny anymore. I want to be her mom.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Enchiladas Rojos
Paloma did not sleep in my bed that last night.
And when I woke early the next morning, she had already left.
She didn’t even leave a note.
I walked through the empty house, pitying myself, pitying Sky.
I grabbed her from her room. She had grown so much these last ten weeks.
She looked up at me. “Da da?”
I kissed her. She had been calling me da da for weeks. Her voice melted me. But I wasn’t prepared for the words that came out her mouth next. “Ma ma?”
Ah fuck. Maybe she said Loma.
But then she said it again. “Ma ma?”
I doubted that Paloma taught Sky to call her Mama. Sky probably learned it through books. Even so, I was just crushed.
Sky had lost another mother figure. And I wasn’t going to be around enough to make it up to her.
Who was going to watch her? I would have to hire another nanny.
But I didn’t want another nanny. I wanted Paloma.
I opened the refrigerator to get some milk and noticed a casserole dish covered in foil.
I lifted the foil off and found a full batch of enchiladas rojas.
In Paloma’s final moments in my house, she had wanted to take care of me.
Fuck, I missed her already.
The doorbell rang. I jumped up, hoping it was Paloma and that she had come back.
But it was my mother. The last person I wanted to see.
I reluctantly let her in.
“Beck, darling. Why so glum?”
“What the fuck did you say to Paloma? She left today. You are so fucking pretentious. Just because she isn’t rich and educated? Who the fuck do you think you are? I’m a grown ass man. I will love who I choose to love.”
She opened her mouth and just stared at me. I had never gone off on my mother like that. But she deserved it.
“You will get over her one day. She left. What does that tell you about her character?”
“Everything. That she wasn’t going to give up her goals for a man. She loves me. You see her as a gold digger, but she didn’t want my money. I offered to pay her in Florida and she turned me down. Just go. I want to be alone.”
She exhaled. “I’ll go. Call me when you come to your senses.”
She walked out of the door and never even said goodbye to Sky. I hadn’t realized how cold she was until now. I didn’t want Sky to be raised by a cold woman, like my mother. I wanted her to be raised by someone like Paloma.
I wanted her to be raised by Paloma.
Fuck.
I fed Sky and placed her in her Pack n Play. And then I went to my room. I opened my dresser drawer and took out a sealed envelope.
Beck
My wife had handed my this letter as she was dying. She had told me not to open it until I had fallen in love again. I had wanted to rip up the letter at the time but she made me promise to keep it.
Now was the time. I opened it and the sight of her beautiful handwriting gutted me.
My Dearest Beck,
I have so much to say to you and not enough time to say it. Loving you has been the best part of my life. You were the prince that I dreamed of when I was a little girl. You are handsome, kind, generous, brilliant, and so sexy in that flight suit. You have given me everything I have ever wanted in my life—love, a purpose, a home, and our beautiful little girl. By the time you read this, you will have met someone new. And it’s okay. It’s more than okay. I’m thrilled for you. Our baby needs a mommy. Someone who loves her as much as I do. Someone to talk to her about her first crush, hold her when she is scared, wipe her tears away when she cries, style her hair into the latest craze, paint her nails the hottest shade, and teach her how to become a young lady. You will never leave the military and our daughter needs a parent, not a caretaker, when her daddy is fighting a war a world away. I know you have chosen a wonderful woman because you would never let anyone unworthy around our child.
And I want you to be happy. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you as much as I do. Or someone who loves you more than I did. As much as I love you, I never allowed myself to totally lose myself in you. I was scared and proud and never able to fully express how much you mean to me. But you need to know that my world started the day I met you.
Your love for your new wife will never take away our love. You are not betraying me by loving another woman. You have my blessing. And I’m not gone. I’m beside you and our little girl everyday. All you need to do to visit me is fly. I’m in heaven, loving you both, waiting for you to come and kiss me in the sky.
I love you, always and forever. Until we meet again in the clouds.
Love,
Your wife, ‘til death do us part, Catherine.
The tears came and I was unable to control my sobs. It was almost as if she had chosen Paloma for me and Sky. She had told me to hire a local nanny—forcing me to let someone into our life.
I would love Catherine until the day I died.
But I also loved Paloma.
And I was going to get her back.
&nb
sp; Chapter Twenty-Nine
Cucumber Sandwiches
I left this morning like a coward, driving straight to San Diego. Tomorrow I would go apartment shopping, but today we checked into an extended stay hotel.
I handed Mónica a brand-new cell phone.
“Oh my god! Are you serious? Is this mine?”
“Yes, I have to go somewhere now. But I’ll be back in an hour. If there is an emergency, call me. I’ll just be down the road.”
“Okay. Where are you going?”
I didn’t want to tell her in case it didn’t happen.
“I’ll tell you later.”
“Okay. Bye. Don’t worry. Ana María and I will be fine.”
I gave them both kisses and left the room. As I drove away from the hotel, my nerves rattled. I should’ve told Mónica where I was going, who I was going to see, and why this was so important to me. But I needed to see this stranger alone.
The stranger who was my father.
I drove down the Coronado streets. San Diego was glorious, even better than in the pictures. I was so excited to live here, where I could drive to the ocean and dip my feet in the sand. No blistering summers to keep me indoors.
I finally found an old Spanish house with a blue and gold sign out front.
Home of a Naval Aviator.
John Emerson.
A chill took over me. In my twenty years, I had dreamt of meeting my father. What would he look like, would we share any interests, was he quirky like me, did he love cooking?
But most important of all, would he accept me.
I checked the address from the background report. And then I checked it again. This was it. I was about to meet my father.
I parked the car and could see the raised hair on my arms. Was he living alone? Was he married? Did he have kids?
It was now or never. I had to meet him. I had to go in.
I opened the car door and slowly walked outside. The salty ocean air hit my face. Twenty years of dreaming and wondering had come down to this.
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