by Marie Force
“No, but—”
He kissed her softly and gently. “No buts, no worries. We’re enjoying some time together. That doesn’t mean you have to tell me your deepest, darkest secrets.”
He’d said exactly what she needed to hear, and yet she still felt guilty for holding out on him. Maybe it was because she’d felt an honest, genuine connection to him that she hadn’t had with any of the other men she’d dated since Toby died. Her thoughts wandered to the first man she’d had sex with, years after she lost Toby, and how her overly emotional response had scared him off. That experience had taught her to be wary of how much she shared with potential partners.
Yes, she thought, it’s better if he doesn’t know. Then he won’t feel like he has to be extra careful with her. Besides, he had enough on his plate without being burdened with her stuff, too.
While she was comfortable with her decision, she knew she’d bought herself only a little bit of time. When people learned they were seeing each other—if it came to that—there’d be a risk of him hearing her story from someone else.
No matter what, she couldn’t let that happen.
* * *
The alarm on Alex’s phone went off when it was still dark outside. For a moment, he couldn’t remember where he was. Then he breathed in the scent of Jenny’s hair, which calmed and settled him. Amazing… How did she do that simply by sleeping close to him?
He moved carefully, hoping she would stay asleep for a while longer, but with their arms and legs curled around each other, he couldn’t help but wake her.
“Do you have to go?” she asked in that sleepy, sexy voice that got to him every time he heard it.
“Yeah. I lost all day yesterday, so I need to hit it hard today.”
“Drink lots of water.”
“Yes, ma’am. How do you feel?”
“Better.”
“Good.” He bent to kiss her. “Tonight, if I can get away, I want to take you on a date.”
“Oh…”
“Is that all right?”
“I…um, I thought you wanted to just…you know…have sex.”
“I want that, too.”
“I thought that was all you wanted.”
Alex wished it wasn’t still dark. He’d like to see her face for this conversation. “I’m not going to deny it started out that way. And I’m not going to deny I have my reservations about getting involved with anyone when my life is so unsettled. Despite all that, I like being with you.” He took her hand. “I like how I feel when I’m around you.”
She wrapped both her hands around his in a gesture that comforted him and reinforced his desire to spend more time with her. “How do you feel when you’re with me?” she asked, sounding a bit breathless.
“Calm. When I’m close to you like this, my mind stops racing for a little while, which is a very welcome relief.” He kissed her forehead and then her lips. “And then, other times, I feel anything but calm, but I like that, too. I like that a lot. So… Date? Yes?”
“Okay.”
“You aren’t convincing me it’s what you want.”
“Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to go out with you, but part of me enjoys the fact that no one knows about us. The minute we step foot in town together, people will know.”
“I don’t mind that if you don’t.”
“The thing I didn’t want to tell you last night… I’ll need to tell you about that before we go out, before someone else does.”
She sounded so sad and resigned that he almost regretted asking her to go out with him. Almost…
“Before we go anywhere, we’ll talk. You can tell me anything you think I need to know. Will that work?”
She released a soft but audible sigh. “Yes.”
“Whatever it is, I don’t want you to worry about telling me. Do you promise you won’t worry all day?”
“I promise I’ll try not to worry.”
“I suppose that’ll have to do. I’ll call you later.”
“Tell Paul I’ll check in with him at some point today to get started at the store.”
Alex sat on the edge of the bed and put on the boots he wore on the bike. “Don’t do that until you’re sure you feel better.”
“I feel much better. Good enough to work.” She raised herself up on one elbow. In the faint early morning light, he could make out her silhouette as she watched him get ready to go. “So when we go on this date of yours, do you think we could take the bike?”
He turned to face her. “Is that what you want?”
“Uh-huh.”
“You gotta wear jeans or long pants, and it’s awfully hot.”
“You don’t wear jeans when you’re on the bike.”
“That’s because I’m an idiot, but I don’t take chances with passengers.”
“So you have a lot of passengers?”
He cuffed her chin playfully. “Not one since I moved home.” Leaning over, propped on his hands, he kissed her one last time. “See you later.”
“Have a good day at the office.”
“Pray for rain.”
“I’m praying. Enough already with this heat. If it’s sucking the life out of me, I can’t imagine what it’s like for you working outside in it.”
“It sucks.” He kissed her again and then one more time, lingering with his lips barely touching hers. “Okay, this time I’m really going.”
“This time I’m really letting you.”
Even though her sweet kisses had him hard as a rock, he bounded down the spiral stairs with a smile on his face. How many hours until he could see her again?
* * *
For a long time after she heard his motorcycle start and drive away, Jenny lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. She’d told Alex she felt better, and physically she was less sore and achy than the day before. But emotionally… She felt battered by the reoccurrence of a dream that always had the power to crush her with the reminder of what she’d lost.
And that she’d said Toby’s name out loud while Alex was with her… God, what he must’ve thought. He’d been kind and understanding, but Jenny knew the time had come to tell him the truth about her past. It wasn’t fair to keep such a thing from him, especially when they had mutual friends who knew. If she didn’t want him to hear about it from someone else, she needed to find the courage to tell him herself.
It occurred to her that it hadn’t been all that difficult to divulge the details of her past with the other men she’d dated in the years since she lost Toby. This was different, she acknowledged. Alex was different. Their connection was more significant, which made it that much harder to tell him what he needed to hear.
It wasn’t like her past was some big awful secret. But she’d told the story often enough to know that it changed how people viewed her, and she sort of liked the way Alex looked at her now. Would he look at her the same way after he knew? Or would his gaze be tinged by that hint of sorrow others had directed her way once they knew the truth?
She hadn’t missed that since she moved away from home. She hadn’t missed the overwhelming care and concern of the well-meaning people who loved her. Her life was divided solidly in half—before the great tragedy and after. Those who’d known her before had been deeply affected by her loss, so much so that she found it painful at times to be around people she’d known all her life, including her parents and sisters.
That was why it was such a relief to be here on Gansett, where no one had known her before. While her close friends were aware of what she’d lost and had provided tremendous comfort, support and friendship, they didn’t look at her the way her family and friends at home did. They didn’t watch her vigilantly for the slightest sign of crisis or despair.
She didn’t want Alex watching her for those things. She wanted to move past the despair, and being with him made her feel hopeful again. Somehow she had to tell him the story and make it clear to him that as much as she missed Toby and would mourn his loss forever, she was ready to move on and to take a chance on somethin
g new. And that, right there, was a rather major development after having been stuck for a dozen years.
With the sun rising on the horizon, Jenny got up and walked to the bathroom on legs that were slightly less sore than the day before. She wasn’t ready to run a marathon or anything, but she didn’t feel like she’d been hit by a bus either. Her stomach growled, and the thought of coffee had her mouth watering—also good signs.
She showered, got dressed in another lightweight dress, had breakfast and two cups of coffee. And then she decided she needed to see Syd. Despite the rapid beat of her heart, Jenny moved slowly, washing her breakfast dishes before going upstairs to brush her teeth and make the bed. She came down the stairs, grabbed her purse and keys, went down one more level and out into the swampy heat.
Gripping the steering wheel, she drove to the gate and got out to unlock the lighthouse property for the day before continuing on toward Syd’s house. She obeyed the speed limit, even though she wanted to push the accelerator to the floor so she could get there faster. When she pulled into Syd’s driveway, she was relieved to see her friend’s Volvo parked in the driveway but Luke’s truck gone.
As much as she loved Sydney’s wonderful husband, she wanted some time alone with her friend. Jenny got out of the car, walked around the house to the door and knocked.
Buddy’s loud howl made Jenny smile. He sounded so fierce but was a total love.
“Hush, Buddy,” Sydney said as she pulled open the door. “Hey! Come in! Are you feeling better?”
Sydney’s cheerful welcome and her bright smile broke the fragile hold Jenny had on her composure. She didn’t cry, but it took everything she had to keep the tears at bay.
Syd grabbed her hand and tugged her to the sofa. “Oh my God, Jenny. What’s wrong?”
“I…I’ve met someone.”
“Wait, what? Who?”
“Alex Martinez.”
Sydney’s eyes widened with surprise and delight. “Do tell. And don’t leave out a single detail.”
“He came to cut the grass, and he woke me up with the mower, so I threw tomatoes at him.”
“You threw tomatoes at him. For real?”
“I was pretty mad. He interrupted the Toby dream with the mower.”
“Oh shit. Is that why you asked me the other day about whether I dream about Seth and the kids?”
Jenny nodded.
“So what happened when you threw the tomatoes at him?”
“I hit him in the back with one of them. Then we argued about the proper time to cut grass, and he promised he wouldn’t come that early again, so I let him finish. Did I mention I was wearing next to nothing when I stormed out of the lighthouse to throw tomatoes at him?”
Syd held two fingers to lips that curled into a smile.
“Anyway, I got dressed and was going out to open the gate for the day when I caught him taking a shower under the hose. He… Well, he’s quite hot.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“I’m only human, and it had been a while, so I couldn’t help but stare. The next thing I knew, he was standing right in front of me, dripping water all over me and staring at me with intense brown eyes.”
Sydney hung on her every word, hardly seeming to breathe while she waited for Jenny to continue.
“Then he kissed me.”
“He just swooped in?”
“He told me to say no if I didn’t want it. I couldn’t breathe, let alone speak, so I didn’t say no.”
“Damn straight you didn’t say no. What happened then?”
“It was a good kiss. I mean an A-plus, plus, plus kiss that went on and on and on until we were inside the lighthouse and I was pressed against a wall.”
“Holy shit.”
“Exactly. He came back later that night, and we went swimming. And stuff.”
“What stuff?”
“Stuff I haven’t done with anyone in twelve years.”
“Jenny…”
“I’ve had sex since Toby died. A couple of times. But I haven’t allowed some things that were just too…”
“Intimate?”
“Yes, exactly.”
“And you allowed that with Alex?”
“Allowed,” Jenny said with a laugh. “It was so out of control that it wasn’t really about allowing anything. It was happening before I caught up.”
Sydney fanned her face. “I need a drink—or a cigarette.”
“You don’t smoke,” Jenny said, laughing. The laughter helped to ease some of the tension she’d brought with her. Telling Sydney was helping, as she’d known it would.
“I wish I did. So what happened then?”
“He’s very good at certain things—so good I didn’t have a chance to dwell on the past or anything other than what was happening right in that moment.”
“That’s so great,” Sydney said with a sigh.
“It was great, and extremely overwhelming, too.”
“In a good way?”
“I think so. He’s very sexy.”
“Yes, he is, and so is his brother.”
“When we saw Alex at the Tiki, that’s when I heard about what’s been going on with his mom and met his brother and figured out his last name.”
“Wait, so you hadn’t even exchanged last names?”
“No,” Jenny said, her face burning with embarrassment. “I think we were both taking some comfort in the anonymity. He didn’t know my shit, and I didn’t know his. It was a relief, you know?”
“I can definitely understand that.”
“You know the look people give you, as if they’re watching you and waiting for you to crumble.”
“I know that look.”
“I hate that look. I liked being with someone who doesn’t know anything more about me than my first name and where I live. It was comforting in a way.”
“Sounds like it also took care of some inhibitions.”
“You could say that again. After the incident at the Tiki with Alex and his employee, I could tell he was really upset. I had to remind myself I was there with Linc, and I couldn’t go chasing after Alex in front of everyone I know. But I wanted to. I told Linc I wasn’t feeling well and asked him to take me home.”
“No wonder you said there was no connection with him when you were all kinds of connected to someone else.”
“I know! I felt so bad about that. I never should’ve gone out with Linc when this was happening with Alex. I’d only met him the day before, and you guys had gone to the trouble of fixing me up with Linc, so I didn’t want to cancel.”
“What did Linc say when he took you home?”
“That he’d had a good time and wanted to see me again.”
“Ouch.”
“I told him things were complicated at the moment, and it wasn’t the best time for me to be starting something. I’m a bad person.”
“Stop it,” Syd said. “You had the plans with Linc long before you threw tomatoes at Alex. How were you supposed to know that was going to happen?”
“True, but still… I probably should’ve canceled the date with Linc after I rolled around naked in the sand with Alex.”
Sydney fanned her face again. “This is so hot.”
“It got hotter when I decided to go after Alex and found him standing in my doorway. We were all over each other. We…you know…had sex. Lots and lots of sex, so much sex I couldn’t move yesterday. I think he might’ve sexed me into a fever.”
Sydney lost it laughing. “Girlfriend, if anyone deserves to be sexed into a fever, it’s you.”
“I haven’t told him about Toby,” Jenny said, getting to the heart of the matter. “Before this goes any further, I have to tell him. Especially since I had the dream again last night, and I said Toby’s name. Alex asked me who he was. I said he was my fiancé. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the rest.”
“Because you’re afraid of the look.”
“Yes! I like the way he treats me now—not like I’m fragile and breakable, but lik
e I’m strong and sexy. I don’t want that to change, but I also don’t want him to hear about it from someone else.”
“That is a predicament.” Sydney got up and headed for the kitchen. “We need beverages.”
Jenny followed her and gratefully accepted the tall glass of icy lemonade that Sydney poured for her.
Sydney leaned against the counter, eyeing Jenny shrewdly. “You really like this guy?”
“I do. I feel a connection with him that I’ve only ever had with one other person. He’s told me it’s a terrible time for him to be starting something, that he has nothing to offer me, but that doesn’t keep me from wanting to be with him. And it hasn’t kept him from coming back to me either.”
“Then I think you tell him the story, but you also say what you don’t want. Put it right out there. Tell him it would hurt you if he treated you differently in the future because of what he knows about you.”
“You think that’ll work?”
“I think he’ll get it better than some guys would. He’s in the thick of it with his mother, and he probably enjoys the respite he finds with you as much as you do.”
“Why does my stomach ache every time I imagine telling him my story?”
“Because it still hurts to talk about it all these years later, and you haven’t had to tell the story in a long time.”
“I knew you’d understand.”
“Of course I do, honey. I’ve lived it. I know exactly what you’re going through, trying to move forward while continuing to honor the past. Neither of us asked for what happened to us, and the only choice we’ve had is to go on with our lives. That’s not always the easiest thing to do.”
“No, it isn’t. But for the first time since I lost Toby, I want to take a chance again. I’m worried that he won’t want the same thing, but I can’t deny the connection I feel with him—and not just physically. It’s more than that.”
“Does he feel it, too?”
“I think so.”
“Then you’ve got to have some faith in him, Jenny. Tell him the story, tell him what you want and don’t want from him, and try to enjoy yourself. You’ve waited a long time for this.”
“I’m also afraid that if I get all wrapped up in him and it doesn’t work out for whatever reason…” She shrugged.