“Life was perfect. We’d just gotten married and I was hoping we’d be able to talk about having kids. I knew the army would have him during parts of our lives, but I always thought he’d be mine until we were old and gray. Wasn’t the time he spent away from me enough?” When I’d spewed the last of my venom I collapsed to the floor.
Suddenly there were arms around me, offering comfort. “Danielle, if I’d have known you were going to react this way, I would have never brought it here. He was my friend and I never thought he’d send anything to upset you like this,” he whispered into my hair, rocking me as I cried.
The front door opened and Liam’s voice shook the room. “What the hell is this?”
Tanner jumped up. “I’m sorry. My name’s Tanner Marano, I was in Nate’s unit and he asked me to bring something to Danielle…if something ever happened to him.”
Liam moved over, wrapping me in his arms. “And why are you just now bringing it?” he asked, his hands squeezing a little too hard as he tried to control his anger.
“I’m so sorry, my goal wasn’t to upset anyone. After the unit left Afghanistan, I was sent to Germany for three months. Nate made me promise to deliver it personally.” Tanner was shifting on his feet, clearly nervous and upset by my reaction. Unfortunately, I couldn’t control my feelings and continued to cry in Liam’s arms.
Liam nodded curtly. “I think it might be best if you go.”
Tanner made his way to the door, but turned before opening it. “Again, I’m so sorry for hurting you.” With that he walked out and I felt myself being lifted from the floor. Liam carried me to my room, tucking me into bed, knowing after months of dealing with me that I just wanted to be alone.
The things you do for your friends can sometimes cause you pain and/or guilt.
The minute the door closed behind me, I sighed. That was worse than I’d imagined it would be. When I’d arrived in Germany, my first reaction had been to send that letter by mail, but then I remembered the night Nate brought me the letter and asked me to deliver it. He’d made me promise to deliver it myself, no matter what. It wouldn’t be a very good way to honor his memory if I ignored his wishes. After that ordeal, part of me wished I had.
I’d only met Nate a few months prior to our deployment, when I was transferred in to replace their medic. All he ever did was talk about Dani. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to meet her under better circumstances. With her being away for school, and then her work schedule, it had been impossible. Then our deployment time arrived and although I’d gotten a quick glimpse at her the day we left, that fleeting glance didn’t do justice to the beauty that was Danielle Lewis…Renton. She was average height with long, curly brown hair and brown eyes—eyes that showed their hatred for the army, of anything that reminded her of her pain. My gut twisted thinking about her on the floor in tears. No woman deserved that and all I’d done was make it worse by waiting to bring that letter until I got home. Maybe that was my punishment. I wasn’t sent on the patrol that night, and maybe if I had, Nate would still be here. Maybe I could have saved him.
Getting in my car, I wondered for the thousandth time what Nate had been thinking? I knew every person in the unit had one of those letters, to be delivered in the event of our death, but they were supposed to be mailed as soon as the family was notified. Nate’s request for me to hand deliver it was out of the ordinary and I just couldn’t figure out his purpose in doing so. At first I thought maybe it had to do with her reading it while she was alone, but some guy obviously lived with her. She wasn’t alone. So the question still remained, why? Even though I tried to convince myself that the guilt that had settled in my stomach was simply because of Danielle’s reaction to the letter, it was more than that. I’d been preoccupied when I knocked on the door, wanting to get it over and done with. When she’d called out for me to wait, I’d been annoyed—it wasn’t like I didn’t have other things to do with my time off. Standing at her door, the weight of the letter in my hand increasing with each passing minute, I’d managed to work myself up, so much so that I’d been caught completely off guard when she’d finally opened the door. Her scent hit me first. She didn’t smell like the women I usually came into contact with. Where their harsh, fake perfumes made my eyes itch, her scent was all natural, fresh…like laundered sheets—when you’ve had to sleep in a cot with the same sweat drenched sheets for weeks on end you learn to appreciate the simple pleasures. So consumed was I that it took me a second to focus on her face, but when I did my heart faltered, caught between my sense of loyalty to my brother, and the pure, unadulterated desire that consumed me from inside out.
At least now it was over, mostly anyway. I still needed to make sure she was okay. It killed me leaving her looking so broken. There was one person I knew that would be able to find out if she was all right. I sent a quick text to Colin, asking if he was home but instead of waiting for him to text back, I started the car to head back to base. Colin’s apartment was only a few down from mine so I’d be able to see his car in the parking lot if he hadn’t replied by the time I got back.
I wasn’t relishing having to explain that Danielle was upset, much less the reason why because I knew once I told him what had happened, Colin would want to know what the hell was going on. Nate had also specifically asked me not to say anything to Colin about me having the letter and explaining that to him was gonna suck, almost as much as this morning had. As soon as I pulled into the lot, I saw his car. At the same time my phone went off with a message saying he was home. With heavy feet I walked up to his door. Hopefully this conversation would go better than the last, but I highly doubted it. A quick knock on the door and it opened to reveal Colin looking pretty put together for a Saturday morning. With his latest quest to find the perfect woman, he spent many—and I mean many—Friday nights at the bar, thus making Saturday morning not such a good time to call on him.
“Hey, man, that was fast,” Colin said, opening the door to let me in.
“Yeah, I decided to head over anyway instead of waiting for your reply.” I walked inside and took a seat on the couch. Colin and I had also gotten along great from the beginning and since that night, we’d only gotten closer, his place being the first place I’d visited after getting back to the states.
He made his way over to the chair in the corner. “What’s up man? You look completely stressed out.”
“Well, I need to talk to you about something that happened this morning.”
“Okay,” he said, a deep frown settling across his forehead.
Taking a deep breath, I started at the beginning, from the moment Nate had given me the letter to when I left Danielle with the guy who’d looked ready to kick my ass. Throughout the story, he shifted in his seat, from leaning back in the chair, looking relaxed, to sitting with his forearms on his legs, staring at the ground. When I finished it was a few seconds before he raised his head and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. His arm dropped back to his leg, his weary gaze on me.
“Nate had you do what?” His voice sounded tired.
“I tried to tell him it was a bad idea from the beginning, but he was determined that I bring it to her myself.”
“Shit, man. This is bad.”
“You think I don’t know that?! Her tiny little self just flipped out on me—I almost felt like I was the one that killed him.” The truth of that statement was a little too close for comfort and to admit it left a bitter taste in my mouth.
“Don’t start that again, Tanner. I can see it in your eyes. You know as well as I do there was nothing you could have done to save Nate. He was killed instantly. Even as a medic, there was nothing you could have done.”
“So everyone keeps telling me.” In the back of my head, I still wondered if there was anything…
“Tanner!” Colin yelled, snapping me out of my head.
“What?”
“We have other things to worry about right now, besides your misplaced guilt. We have to figure out how to bring Danielle
out again.”
“What do you mean out again?”
“I mean that last night was the first night she did something besides eat, sleep, and work. We practically had to kidnap her to get her to go out for dinner.”
“Oh, so that’s what she meant when she said about just getting her life back together. And here I come in and bring a letter that rips it away again.”
He sighed. “Again. Not. Your. Fault. We’ll figure this out. Nate was my brother in every sense of the word, and Danielle is the little sister I never had. I feel like it’s my job to protect her. Even if that means from herself. First let me call Liam and see how she’s doing.”
“Who’s Liam?”
“Danielle’s brother.”
“Well that explains why he looked like he was going to beat the shit out of me if I didn’t get out of there.”
“Pretty much.”
There was a build up of moisture in his eyes but I chose to ignore it. Instead I nodded, still worried about everything. A conversation with her brother? I could only imagine how that would go, especially with the way he was glaring at me when I left. This was all so messed up. Danielle was right—she didn’t deserve any of this. Colin brought the phone to his ear, his leg bouncing up and down.
“Hey, man, how is she?” he asked. “I know, Tanner’s here now. If I did, don’t you think I would have warned you?” He ran his hand through his hair. It was difficult listening to the one-sided conversation, not knowing what Liam was saying to him. “He just got back, they had him in Germany for three months. I’ll talk to her. A couple of days?” He stopped and looked in my direction. “Yeah, okay, I’ll call you later.”
No matter what I tried, I couldn’t sit still. I needed to know was how badly I’d hurt her. Having just met her it seemed slightly irrational that I felt such a strong need to protect her, but since I didn’t really want to analyze why that was, I chalked it up to her being Nate’s wife. I didn’t need any more guilt where Nate’s death was concerned. It was easier to believe I was being protective of her on Nate’s behalf instead of trying to rationalize my feelings. When Colin didn’t say anything at first, I started to fidget. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. “So?”
It was weird. Colin had this far off look on his face, then he shook his head and his eyes came back into focus. I stared at him, waiting to see the outcome of the conversation. “Oh, she’s okay. Liam put her back to bed. He’s pissed as hell at you, but I’m gonna go over there later to check on her and talk to him.”
Dropping my forearms to my thighs, hands clasped in front of me, I dropped my gaze to the ground. “I don’t blame him, he has every right to be pissed.”
“Maybe, but it’s not your fault. I’ll get it all settled.”
“Doesn’t matter anyway. I did what Nate asked me to, and now I need to step away and let her move on with her life.”
His eyes narrowed in on me. “I know you don’t actually believe she should be left alone to ‘move on,’ so don’t spout that crap at me. If you really believed that, you wouldn’t be as upset as you are.”
“But—”
“Don’t even start. Nate asked you hand deliver that letter for a reason. You can’t just walk away and not figure out why.”
“And does your infinite wisdom stretch to any ideas on what reason that might be?”
“Not a clue, but everything he did when it came to Danielle had a reason behind it. Even if he just wanted another set of eyes watching over her.”
“She’s got plenty of people watching over her. Why does she need me?”
He shook his head. “I’m not sure what Nate really wanted, but what I do know is they’ve been together since high school and everyone around her has their own attachment to Nate. It could be he wanted her to have a chance to be friends with the friends he made, even in his absence.”
“That’s wonderful and all, but how do you expect me to do that when she can’t stand the sight of me?”
“Well, to start with, she’s not a huge fan of men in uniform,” he said gesturing to the fatigues I was wearing. “And I can’t say that I blame her. I always wear a T-shirt and jeans when I visit.”
“I never even thought about that.” I sighed. How many things had I messed up today? Of course the sight of a man in uniform at her door would bring back unwanted memories.
“Well, that’s a small step. But first, I’m gonna get dressed and head over there. The sooner Liam and I can talk to her together, the better.”
I stood up. “All right, man. If you need anything, you know where to find me.”
Standing up, he nodded at me, looking partially preoccupied. There was something definitely going on in that head of his. “Yeah, I’ll call you.”
With my mind spinning, I walked over to my apartment. Even though it was a gorgeous day, and one of my few Saturday’s off where I didn’t have somewhere to be, all I wanted to do was chill in front of the TV. It was barely noon and already this day had been long enough. My roommate, Greg, was taking his weekend to visit his parents so I had the apartment all to myself. Thank God. I wasn’t really sure how I would explain all of this to him. Greg and I met when we were stationed in North Carolina. When we both transferred to Georgia, we decided that it would be best if we shared an apartment. This weekend, however, I wanted to be alone. I had a lot to process.
That first night, when Nate asked me to bring the letter to his wife, I wondered whether it was a good idea. I mean, how could something like that not end badly? Even with my reservations I still agreed to do it, never once considering that I might actually have to deliver that letter. Then again, I also had to consider Danielle. There was something about her I genuinely liked, even when she was freaking out on me. I could see how easy it would be to become friends with her. With a groan I flopped on the couch, wondering for the thousandth time what the hell I was thinking.
Just the thought of her sitting on the floor of her apartment had me ready to jump back in my car and ignore what Colin and her brother said about leaving her alone. The tension in my muscles was causing my body to ache. That was it. I needed a way to relieve the stress so that I could focus on a solution to the problem and for me the gym was the best place to do that. I forced myself up off the couch and went back to my room to change and grab a bag. Sitting around the apartment was only going to make the guilt of the situation that much worse.
Sometimes when something knocks you down, it’s your job to brush yourself off and get back up again.
It wasn’t long after Liam had brought me to my room that the tears slowed. Unfortunately, that didn’t mean that the hurt went away. In fact it seemed worse than it had in months. Seeing Tanner’s guilt-ridden face as he’d left the house hadn’t helped. With all that had happened this morning, I felt totally and completely drained. Even knowing that peace wouldn’t necessarily come with sleep, I closed my eyes, hoping for an escape, if only for a few hours.
A slight tapping noise somewhere in the room woke me. My eyes felt heavy, almost like they didn’t want to open at all, but the desire to find the tapping and stop it forced me to sit up in bed and in my drowsy confusion it took a moment to realize that the noise was someone knocking on the door. My mind whirled and I took a second to get my bearings. That’s when it all came back to me. The letter. It had been a blow to my sanity that I just didn’t need.
The knocking on the door continued but instead of getting up to answer it, I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin on them. The pounding in my brain was enough after this morning’s events. I didn’t need any more crap thrown at me. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle it. Every once in a while I deserved to be a little selfish. This was one of those times. There was no one I needed to talk to.
“Danielle, I know you can hear me. Open the door,” Colin called from the other side of the door
It felt like I sat there forever, staring at the wall, doing my damnest to think of nothing. However long it was, was enough for Colin to become impati
ent. The door creaked open. “Danielle?” Colin peered around the door. A deep crease appeared across his brow as he took in my disheveled appearance. “We need to talk.”
“Why did he bring it here?” I asked, my voice thick with unshed tears.
Colin walked over and sat on the bed next to me. “Can I see it?”
The letter lay somewhat crumpled on the bed next to me. Grabbing it, I handed it to him, recoiling as soon as it left my fingertips. Colin opened the letter, reading it and shaking his head. Just the thought of what that letter represented had my shoulders trembling with silent cries and when I could contain them no longer, the sound of my tears had him dropping the letter and wrapping me in his arms. “I know,” he said as he stroked my hair. “It’s gonna be okay.”
We sat there for a few minutes, Colin continuing to offer comfort. Eventually, he pulled back to look at me. “Danielle, listen to me, we need to talk about this. Will you come and sit in the living room with me and Liam?”
I flinched at the idea, trying to figure out a way to avoid it but knowing if I didn’t go out there with him now he would just bring the discussion to me. I nodded, understanding that whatever Colin had to say was important because it was written in the way he carried himself—in the firm set of his shoulders, the lack of smile on his face. Colin led the way to the living room where Liam was pacing like a caged animal. While he seemed angry, I could also see the worry for me. When he saw me he stopped his pacing, stepping in front of me and placing his hands on my shoulders.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“Not really,” I answered, my voice quivering.
Colin stood next to us and wrapped an arm around each of our shoulders and led us over to the couch, taking a seat on one side of me. Liam took the other.
“Okay, she’s out here now, so why in the world—” Liam started but Colin him off.
“Liam, let me explain first.” Colin turned to me. “Danielle, I’m so sorry, I had no idea that Nate had given that letter to Tanner. But I won’t lie to you, we all have a similar letter to be delivered to whomever we choose if need be. Usually, the letter is mailed by the person in charge of them, usually the base chaplain, after the family is notified.”
Letters Home Page 10