“Dani, I know this isn’t easy for you. Just know I love you, and I will miss you more than you could possibly know.”
She bit her lip to stop it from quivering and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I love you too. It won’t be the same here without you.”
“Hey, I’ll be back before you know it, and I promise to call as soon as we’re settled.”
I cupped her face in my hands and tilted it upward. Tenderly, I placed my lips upon hers and savored this last kiss. With a sweep of her tongue across my bottom lip she asked me to open, and I welcomed the taste of her as it burst through me. The kiss seemed to last forever, but it came to a point where I had to end it for fear of never wanting to leave. The tears in her eyes as I stood up to walk to the door broke something inside of me, something that wouldn’t be fixed until she was back in my arms again. “I love you and I’ll talk to you soon.”
She followed me to the door and gave me another quick kiss on the lips. “I love you too.”
Leaving was hard, but I had a job to do. To save the lives of the soldiers that needed me, I had to be at the top of my game.
But no matter where I was, or what I was doing, Danielle would never be far from my mind.
When you’re brave enough to put your heart out there again after getting hurt, the rewards can be endless.
After Tanner left last night I lay in bed, wondering how I was going to survive the next three months without worrying myself to death. Thankfully, he understood how hard all of this was on me. Never once had he given me a hard time for being upset or unable to deal. When he’d told me I didn’t have to go to the send-off the relief I felt was overwhelming. I wasn’t sure that I could handle the big celebratory good-byes when I knew that I would have to watch him leave.
Arriving at the office the next morning I found Tina already there, waiting for details about how my day off had gone. I gave her the whole story about everything we did…well, almost everything.
“That sounds wonderful. I was so glad when Liam called. You two deserved it.”
“Thanks, Tina.”
“How are you holding up?”
“Okay, I guess.” I shrugged. “I’m trying to keep busy and hope that the three months pass very quickly.”
I started to unload the case files from my bag. She was still in my office, watching me. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, well. I was just wondering why you were here today. I mean don’t they ship out this afternoon.”
“Oh, Tanner planned it so I wouldn’t have to go today. We said our good-byes last night.”
“All right, we’ll if you change your mind…” She looked like she wanted to say more, but didn’t. Instead, she got up and walked over to the office door.
“Which case did you want to start with today?”
She looked back at me. “How about the Driscolls?”
“Okay, give me fifteen minutes.”
“Take your time,” she said, leaving me alone in my office.
About an hour later I was having trouble concentrating. Every five minutes I’d look down at my watch to see how much time there was until they left. The closer it got, the more I wished I was there to say good-bye to Tanner again. When I began biting my nails Tina noticed my preoccupation and finally said something.
“Danielle?” I looked up from the statement I was trying to read for the fourth time. “Go,” she said nodding toward the door.
I shook my head. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. Go. All of this will be here when you get back.”
I looked at my watch again. If I left now, I might just make it. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. Besides, I know how many hours you’ll end up putting in while he’s gone. Go say good-bye.”
“Thanks.” I grabbed my bag and ran to my office for my keys.
The ride to the base was quick, and once I was parked I went inside to see the soldiers milling around with their families, waiting to be lined up. I stood on my tiptoes and searched the room for Tanner. I’d almost given up and asked somebody when I saw him standing at the edge of the room, talking to Greg. He saw me first and pointing in my direction, said something to Tanner, who spun around and locked eyes with me. It seemed as if he was frozen to his spot so I started walking in his direction. Finally able to overcome his shock, he ran over, picking me up by the waist and swinging me around.
“You came.”
“I did. I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing you off.”
“I’m so happy you did. This means the world to me.”
As he went to set me down I made sure to brush my lips against his, which only made him hold me tighter. By the time my feet touched the floor, both Colin and Greg had joined us.
“Good to see you here,” Greg said giving me a brief hug.
Colin on the other hand pulled me into a bear hug and whispered in my ear, “I’m so proud of you for showing up today.”
When he let me go I looked at the three of them. Damn. While they all looked sexy in their uniforms, none of them compared to Tanner. I stayed with them while they waited, holding Tanner’s hand, afraid to let go. About a half an hour later it was time for them to line up. This was the part I hated the most. Being able to see them as they boarded the buses to the plane, but not being able to touch them. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t keep myself from crying. Tanner looked at me and cupped my face in his hands. Using his thumbs he brushed away the tears on my face and placed one last kiss on my lips.
“I love you.”
“I love you too. Be safe.” He nodded and turned to walk away. I knew this wasn’t easy for him either.
Someone bumped my shoulder, and I looked over to see Greg. “I’ll keep my eye on him.”
I tried to smile, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. “Thank you.”
Within minutes of lining up, they’d boarded the buses and driven away. And just like the last time I’d left there, I cried all the way home.
3 months later…
“How did the case go?”
“Well, I got custody taken away from the mom, but the court still gave her supervised visitation.” Reaching up, I tried to stretch out my back from sitting all day. Unfortunately, it also just happened to be the easiest way to Skype with Tanner.
“That’s a good thing, right? I mean at least she won’t be able to be alone with them anymore.”
“It is. I just wish I could keep them away from her permanently.”
“Maybe the judge is trying to give her a second chance?”
“I guess. Anyway, enough about the case. You guys will be home soon!”
Three full months had passed and I’d handled it surprisingly well. After I’d gone home that first night and cried myself to sleep, I realized that dwelling on it was only going to make it worse. It also helped that any spare moment I had, Liam had arranged something for us to do. I had a pretty good inkling that Tanner had something to do with that. Either way, it was nice not to be alone on the weekends. The weekdays were hard enough—and that was with me not coming home until seven or eight at night. I’d even found a local yoga class and had been doing that three nights a week to keep myself busy. Enough was enough, though. I wanted Tanner home, and I wanted him home now.
“Yep, we should be back at base in a few days.”
“I’m so excited! It’s been a long three months.”
“You can say that again. I miss sleeping next to you. All I can think about is wrapping you in my arms and kissing you all over.”
“Mmm…I like the sound of that.” There was a loud crackling in the distance.
Gunfire.
“Tanner, what was that?”
He looked over his shoulder and shrugged. “There’s been some unrest in one of the cities about twenty miles from here. Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with us. We’ve been trying to keep the peace.”
My hands began to sweat as my fear almost became a living, breathing thing. I could hear the
loud sounds in the background again.
“I guess you haven’t made much progress?”
“Nope, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. I need to get home and get one good-ass night’s sleep. It’ll be even better with you cuddled up beside me.”
“Will you get a few days off when you get back?”
“Yep, I have five leave days coming to me and I have plans for the first two.”
“Oh yeah, what are they?”
“I’m not getting out of bed…and I’m keeping you there with me.”
“That’s okay with me. Work already offered me a few days off when you get back.”
He smiled and ran his hand through his hair. “Listen, Dani, there’s something I really—”
The screen went black before he’d even had the chance to finish his sentence. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, and a severe wave of nausea came over me. I ran straight for the bathroom to throw up whatever was in my stomach, my body heaving until I couldn’t drag a deep breath through my lungs.
Turning on the faucet I let the water run, the sound echoing in the too quiet room, echoing in my ears, rattling around in my head. Over and over, I tried taking deep breaths, rationalizing that, maybe, something had gone wrong with their communications system. Or his battery could have gone dead. A loose wire, perhaps? All I knew was that Tanner would call back as soon as it was fixed.
But then an hour passed.
Then two.
My lungs becoming tighter with each passing second. I could have called Liam or Marissa, but I wasn’t even sure what to tell them. The computer sat there, taunting me. Reaching forward with shaking hands, I hit the button for Skype and redialed the last incoming call. It wouldn’t even connect.
For the next two hours I tried.
Nothing.
This couldn’t be happening.
Not to me.
Not again.
It was long after midnight when I picked up my cell and called Marissa. “Hello?” the reply came, her voice thick with sleep.
“Marissa,” I said. There was no mistaking the quiver in my voice as I tried, and failed, to tell her what had happened.
“Danielle, what’s wrong?” She was fully awake now.
“I…” I couldn’t get anything past the lump that had formed in my throat. Breathing was difficult and before I knew it, I was starting to hyperventilate.
“I’m on my way.”
Suddenly there was silence in my ear. The loneliness I felt in that moment was a tangible force, like it was squeezing my chest.
What seemed like hours later, Marissa arrived, taking a seat next to me on the couch, holding me while my whole body trembled.
“What happened?” She wrapped her arm around me. Through my sobs I tried to explain what had happened. All the while Marissa sat, stroking my hair.
“Okay, let’s be rational,” she said in a calm voice. “He’s in the middle of nowhere, and you even said it yourself—when the call first disconnected, you thought something was wrong with the power.”
“But…” I sniffed. “I heard the fighting in the distance, and I tried calling back and there’s no response.”
“Yes. In the distance. They’re always fighting with each other there. Did Tanner seem worried about it?”
Thinking back on our conversation I realized Tanner had appeared relaxed, as if the gunfire wasn’t a big deal. The question was, would he lie to protect me. Maybe.
“No, but what if he was doing it so I wouldn’t worry?”
She held up two fingers. “Two reasons. One, do you think he would be able to call if the fighting was so close to camp that they were in danger? And two, you know him. You may have only been dating for a few months, but you’d know if he was lying to you.
Everything stopped. She was right. Tanner couldn’t keep something like that from me—the truth would be right there, in his eyes. For the first time in hours, I was able to pull a full breath into my lungs. The tension eased from my shoulders.
Marissa patted me on the cheek. “I can tell by the look on your face that you’ve realized I’m right.”
“I’m so sorry I got you out of bed for this.”
With a smile she took my hands in hers and squeezed. “That’s what I’m here for.”
“Thank you.”
We sat in silence for a few moments. “Are you sure you’re going to be all right?” she asked.
“I think so. I’m still worried about him, but I’ve been worried since the day he got on that bus and left. I’ll feel better when he’s back home.”
Reaching out, she patted my leg. “I know you will. Do you know when he’s getting back?”
“Not a date, but he said sometime this week.”
“Good. If you’re sure you’re going to be okay, I’m going to head home and get some sleep before work tomorrow.”
“I’ll be fine.” Or at least, I hoped I’d be fine.
Giving me a quick hug, she got up and started toward the door.
“Marissa?”
She turned with her hand on the knob. “Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
She smiled. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
With that I was left alone with my thoughts once again. Over the next few hours, as sleep evaded me, a little bit of doubt crept back in, but I did my best to push it aside. She was right their power did suck and in a few days he’d be home and in my arms. I ended up falling asleep on the couch, which earned me a stiff neck the next morning.
As tired as I was, I just about made it to work on time, and trudged my way through the day. It was hard to not think about the night before. I couldn’t concentrate on my work. For the first time since Tanner had left, I packed everything away at five o’clock, sharp. I told myself it was because I was tired, when what I really wanted was to get home and try the connection again.
Arriving home in record time, I went straight the computer. After trying every twenty minutes for the next two hours, my eyes were getting heavy. I kept reminding myself that the power had gone out, and they probably hadn’t gotten it reconnected yet, but it didn’t calm my thoughts much. My phone was almost dead from checking it all day but I’d wanted to keep it close in case I got a message. Exhausted, I decided to take a quick nap—I could try again in a little bit. Lying down in bed, my eyes quickly shut, and I drifted off into a restless sleep.
What seemed like only five minutes later, there was knocking at the front door. I picked my phone up from the nightstand to check the time, but the battery had died. It was still dark out so I figured it was probably Marissa, coming to check on me since I hadn’t called her when I got home from work. Walking up to the door, out of habit, I checked through the peephole.
No.
No. No. No.
Taking a step back, I ran to the safety of my room, nearly tripping over my own feet. The last time I’d opened the door to Chaplain Hayes, my world had been turned upside-down.
He couldn’t be here again.
He couldn’t.
But he was.
I struggled to draw breath. Sitting in the chair in the corner of the room, I pulled my knees to my chest and let the grief overtake me. I knew something had happened, the minute that call disconnected.
The feeling of my heart breaking when Nate died was nothing compared to the crushing pain in my chest I felt the second time around. It was like someone squeezing my heart with a vise. The knocking on the door continued, which only made me sob harder. It wouldn’t take them long to find Marissa or Liam and get them over here to unlock the door, and until then I wanted to drown in my sorrows. I lay my head on my knees and cried for everything I’d lost.
Again.
The aching in my throat indicated just how many tears I’d shed over the past few hours, my body shuddering as I tried to inhale. I tried closing my eyes, but all I could see was Tanner’s smiling face the night I’d showed up at his place and told him I loved him. Nothing mattered anymore. I would never feel the stren
gth of Tanner’s arms around me. This was not something I could survive. The pain and grief would eventually win. I knew that as much as I knew I couldn’t hear them speak those three words again, so I ignored the continuous banging from the living room. Even my nose wasn’t immune to the memories as Tanner’s scent enveloped me.
Warm hands wrapped around my shoulders.
Liam was here, and he would pick up the pieces…again.
“Danielle!”
“Make them go away,” I sobbed. “I can’t listen to him tell me that Tanner is dead.”
“Dead? Danielle, look at me,” he said, giving my shoulders a slight shake.
Raising my head slowly, I became almost dizzy with happiness at the sight before me. Tanner was kneeling in front of me. He lifted his hands to cup my face and wiped my tears with his thumbs.
“But I—I thought…” I stuttered.
“I’m not dead. Why would you think that?”
I took a shuddering breath. “I saw Chaplain Hayes at the door and I just…I love you so much.” Leaning forward I covered his lips with mine, enjoying the realization that there were still many more kisses to be had between the two of us.
He pulled away from the kiss to stroke the side of my face with the back of his hand. “I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to think that. Our communications were knocked out by an accident. We left a few hours later, and when I got a chance I tried calling your cell, but it went straight to voicemail. I figured your phone was probably dead, so I called Chaplain Hayes to come and tell you what had happened, and that I’d be home soon.”
Letters Home Page 23