The Missing Pieces of Me: Discover the novel that will break your heart and mend it again

by Amelia Mandeville

  She doesn’t reply, but I think she nods her head.

  ‘Like what were you planning to do, with this coffee shop job? Live above this pub for ever? It makes no sense.’

  ‘I wasn’t thinking of the future. I was just trying to distract myself.’

  ‘Well you can’t try and distract yourself for ever, it’ll catch you up eventually, everything does.’

  She nods her head, before looking up at me. Her face is red, eyes puffy. She is sniffling heavily. I so badly want to kiss her, even with the crying face. ‘Can we go home?’ she says.

  Willow didn’t even realise that I don’t rent the flat in Brighton any more. She didn’t even consider what would have happened with it. I had to explain that to her. I also had to explain that I love her, but just because I love her doesn’t mean that things can go back to normal. My brain has been screwed. Fully screwed.

  I told her she is welcome to come back to my family home for now. I didn’t like the thought of her staying in that pub room, despite how safe she said it was. But she wiped her eyes, forced a smile and said she was fine.

  So now she is walking me downstairs, to the entrance of the pub, and I feel powerless. I don’t how to navigate the situation. A part of me wants her to come with me, another part of me doesn’t want to have to deal with any of it.

  I know she wants a hug. I want it too, but then I know I won’t want to let go. So I turn around and start walking away. I don’t know if she is looking at me, I don’t really want to turn around to look. It just makes this whole thing harder.

  As I’m walking away, I spot him. The guy from the park. The guy that I thought was staring at me and Zara. I recognise him now, with the big beard on his face, the tattoos on his knuckles, the piercings on his ears. The way he looks at me. I wasn’t being paranoid. He’s a weirdo. A fucking creep. What the hell is he doing here? What the actual hell?

  I can feel anger burning through my body. ‘What’s your problem, mate?’ I say, striding towards him. Fists clenched.

  His smile fades, and he puts his palms up, calmly. ‘I have no problem,’ he says, his voice softer than I imagined it to be.

  I take a step closer, glaring at him. ‘I know who you are. You were back in New Haw, at the park staring at me, and now you’re here.’

  ‘Listen—’

  ‘No!’ I say, poking him in the chest. ‘Why the fuck are you following me?’

  ‘I’m not being—’

  ‘Yes, you are. I thought I was going crazy, but I’m not. You’re following me. What’s your problem?’

  He looks at me, putting a hand on my shoulder. ‘Calm down, Dustin, let me explain.’

  Sorry.

  What?

  Did he say my name? I shove his hand off my shoulder, taking an exaggerated step away from him, open-mouthed. ‘How do you know my name?’

  He doesn’t answer me.

  ‘How the fuck do you know my name!’ I shout louder.

  ‘Dustin, let me explain—’

  ‘How do you know my name!’

  ‘If you calm down—’

  ‘Dad?’

  Our heads both turn, and I see Willow standing by the entrance to the pub, staring at us both. ‘Dad!’ she shouts again.

  ‘Hey, Angel,’ he says, quietly. ‘Dad?’ I say loudly. Willow turns her head towards me, seeming to remember again I’m still here too. Her face falls. ‘Seriously, Willow. I’m done with this.’

  She goes to grab onto me, but I pull my arm away. ‘Wait, Dustin.’

  ‘So much for your parents being in prison. When did that change? When did you think of telling me this one? So that was another lie up there, right?’

  ‘No, Dustin—’

  ‘I don’t want to hear it!’ I shout. ‘It’s too many bloody secrets with you. I had a kid with you, and I don’t even know who you are! I literally don’t even know the mother of my own kid. Secrets ruin relationships. And you’ve ruined it.’

  She watches me, her bottom lip trembling, but she says nothing, and so I turn away.

  Chapter 76

  Willow

  Dad is here.

  He is in front of me.

  I never really thought I’d experience this again. He couldn’t have chosen any worse timing but I can’t believe he is here. He looks fatter, yet healthier than how I remember. And now I am struggling to fully process it.

  I run up to hug him, but then I realise I’m pushing myself away from him. He holds onto me, but I’m trying to pull away. I’m hitting his chest, pushing, punching, screaming, my eyes are blurry, my head hurts, my heart hurts. Then I eventually collapse into him, sobbing onto his chest.

  He walks me into the pub garden as I dry my tears.

  He watches me, stroking his beard.

  ‘I hate you.’

  He looks at me, nodding his head slightly.

  ‘I hate you,’ I repeat.

  ‘I’m sorry, Angel,’ he says. Just hearing his voice sends me into tears again. This is too much. This is bloody too much. ‘I wasn’t planning on you seeing me, if it helps.’

  I lift my head, staring at him. ‘How does that help?’

  ‘I didn’t mean to upset you.’

  ‘No, Dad, if you didn’t want to upset me, you wouldn’t have been absent from my life three years, that’s what upset me.’ He goes to touch my arm, but I snatch it away from him. ‘And then you choose now to come – how did you even know I was here?’

  Dad chews on his nail. ‘I’ve always been looking out for you, sweetheart.’

  ‘Bullshit.’

  ‘No, I have, I’ve been always checking up, I never erased you from my life, I just erased myself from yours. I lost track of you and your gran for a while, after you moved. But I stayed in Brighton, hoping that one day you’d come back. And you did. Except when you did, you seemed so happy. Happy like I’d never seen you before, not when you were around me.’

  ‘But I needed you. It’s been so hard, Dad. With Gran dying and everything.’

  ‘I know, sweetheart, but you didn’t need me, I fucked up your life.’

  ‘I did.’

  ‘I was watching, you know. I saw you when you met Jake, that day, after your gran died, when he tried to kiss you. I was watching. I was watching when you left. I saw you put the key under the flower pot, and I took it. Then I followed you here. But I knew Dustin needed you, and your little girl too, I knew she needed you. So I sent him those clues.’

  My stomach sinks. ‘You were sending Dustin things?’

  And he tells me. All of it. About how, after he established I had checked into a hotel in Reading, he went back to Brighton. Watched the flat, saw Dustin leave, followed him to New Haw. Saw him turn his bag upside down on the train and realise he was missing the blanket he always saw Zara with. How he had trailed us both for weeks, checking up on us, trying to orchestrate a way to lead Dustin to me. He’d found my necklace on the pavement when he followed me to work. He thought sending it to Dustin would show him how alone I was, how without protection I was, how much I needed him. How he knew Dustin needed to talk to Jake, that Jake was the only one I’d been confiding in. So he sent him those photographs. I listen to him in silence. The whole thing is so bizarre.

  I needed a dad in my life. I thought he was dead, it would almost give me more comfort if he was dead, because then I would be able to accept there wasn’t anything wrong with me. So he knew about Gran, but left me to deal with it on my own? He could have been a grandad to Zara. Why did he think I’d be better off without him? Couldn’t he see anything would have been better than disappearing?

  Like I did. Suddenly I am overwhelmed with the realisation of what I have done. The pain I have caused. The damage.

  ‘You need to go after Dustin, sweet,’ Dad says quietly. ‘You need to face this.’

  ‘He’ll probably be nearly at the station by now. I’ll never catch him.’

  ‘I’ll drive you.’

  ‘What?’

  I have never known my dad to driv
e. But he really is a different guy, apparently. Well you’d hope so, with it being ten years and all. It scares me thinking of it. It’s been ten years since he was actually involved in my life, ten whole years. So I get into his car, and he drives me to the station. Dad says he will park, and wait for me. So I step out the car, my stomach lurching. Do I want Dustin to be there? Will it be easier if he’s already gone? There’s no barriers in this train station, so I go straight onto the platform. And I see him.

  Chapter 77

  Dustin

  ‘So she’s just been happy-chappy working at a coffee shop while we’ve been worried sick?’ Georgia’s voice booms through the phone.

  I shake my head, even though she can’t see it. ‘I don’t think she was happy, but yeah, working at a coffee shop. She hasn’t told me how long, but she seemed to know what she was doing.’

  ‘So why did she leave? What happened? Has she explained to you?’

  I sigh.

  ‘Not really. It’s too long to explain right now. I’ll text you when I’m home, yeah? Maybe we can go to the pub and talk.’

  ‘Well you better do,’ Georgia says, and she carries on talking, but her voice grows quieter as I notice movement in the corner. I turn my head, to see Willow standing at the end of the platform.

  I sigh heavily. ‘Are you OK, Dustin?’ I hear Georgia on the other end of the phone.

  ‘I don’t know, Georgia,’ I reply, before hanging up.

  Chapter 78

  Willow

  As I walk up, he spots me, he doesn’t look happy. He shakes his head as he pulls his phone away from his ear. He then grudgingly scoots up on the bench, I think indicating that I can sit down next to him. I do and we are silent for a moment, before he says, practically groaning, ‘Why are you doing this to me, Willow?’

  ‘I just wanted to know if you’d call me, whenever you feel ready?’ I mumble.

  He shoots his head towards me. ‘And how do you suppose I do that? You’ve blocked me.’

  ‘I’ll unblock you.’

  He clenches his jaw. ‘OK.’

  ‘Hey, I want to explain about my dad, cos I totally under—’

  ‘Willow, please, don’t bother. You weren’t going to tell me until I found out, and it feels it’s that way with a lot of things. Which is fine, but mentally I can’t.’ He pauses, and looks down at the phone in his hand. ‘You should give Georgia a call, she is worried about you.’

  I nod my head. ‘I will.’

  He looks at me, his eyes serious. ‘You didn’t have to cut everyone out.’

  My eyes flicker down. ‘I know that now.’ I start picking at a tiny bit of flimsy skin on my nail. ‘The whole thing about the fire and my parents wasn’t a lie. They were like that, and they did get arrested.’

  Dustin shuffles uncomfortably in his seat. ‘I know that, Georgia told me. But when did they get out? How long have you known? I just have so many questions. This whole day has been too much, and I’m tired of it.’

  I watch him sadly. He does seem so exhausted and I’ve done this to him. ‘My mum is still in prison, it was only Dad that was let out.’

  Dustin shakes his head. ‘See? How do you expect me to believe that too?’

  ‘I don’t,’ I say quietly. ‘But I still want to explain everything to you. You don’t have to believe it, but I want to say it. It’s good for me to say it. I haven’t really told anyone this.’ I pause, and take a deep breath before continuing. ‘Dad was let out for good behaviour and overcrowding, just before we moved to Surrey. That’s why we moved. Gran didn’t want me to be around him. But when he came out, he surprised me walking home from school. That’s when I got the necklace – he gave it to me and said that he couldn’t be in my life, but he’d always be there, looking out for me. Like an angel.’

  I look at Dustin. His whole body is now positioned towards me, instead of away. He’s actually interested in what I’m saying. ‘That was just before you met me?’

  I nod my head. ‘He told me not to tell Gran, and then he left, and I was heartbroken. So I know I might have indicated he was dead, but for all I knew he may as well have been. I made sure to never actually say they died.’ I pause, looking down, bringing my hand to where my necklace used to be. I sniff, feeling my nose start to tingle. ‘Today was the first time I saw him since he gave me that necklace.’

  Dustin watches me, his mouth twitching. ‘Don’t you think that’s weird? I mean, I don’t know how I can believe that, Willow. What are the chances he’d be here, at this time? He was in Surrey, in a park staring at me, I swear … Don’t you think that is weird?’

  I pull my hand through my hair. ‘Yes, it is weird. It’s really weird. It turns out that even though Dad hasn’t been in my life, he’s kind of always been checking up on me, on us, from afar. He was there watching the day I left. He saw me put the key under the flower pot, and he took it, thinking he might need it later. And he followed me to Reading to check where I was going. He has spent the last couple of months going between the two of us, apparently. He was following you, trying to find a way to tell you where I was without revealing himself. He’s the one who sent those things to you.’

  ‘OK, so he had the key to our apartment. I guess it makes sense that he could have got in there whilst Naomi was out. But what about your necklace? How did he get that?’

  ‘I lost it on the way to work one day, I told you. The clasp was loose, did you notice? I thought someone had nicked it, but I guess he must have been following me and he picked it up.’

  Dustin stares at me. I wish I knew what was going through his brain, but his face is blank. ‘I don’t know how to feel about it.’

  I shake my head. ‘Neither do I, my head’s a mess, I’m very confused and overwhelmed right now. I’m very annoyed at him, but also, I guess … it’s good … because you wouldn’t have ever come if he hadn’t intervened.’

  He frowns at me. ‘Because you would have never contacted me.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘And those parcels fucked with my head, Willow.’

  ‘I can imagine.’

  He leans back, blowing out his cheeks. I watch him, and I feel my eyes begin to sting, my nose burning. I can feel myself breaking and I’m trying so hard to keep in control. But the weight is getting heavier, and it’s pushing on me. I shove my hand in my pocket and stroke the dummy, but it doesn’t help. It makes me hurt more, and I hate myself. For what I’ve done. For ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. What is wrong with me? I want a new brain. I want to be me, but not me. I want to be the me that everyone thought they knew. Not what I am now.

  Dustin looks at me, his eyes growing sad. ‘Willow, why are you crying?’

  I shake my head. ‘I’m just sad,’ I whisper.

  He nods his head. ‘I can see that,’ he says solemnly. He wipes a tear away from my cheek. ‘I’m sorry, I have been very angry, but I shouldn’t have yelled at you.’

  I shake my head. ‘It’s not that,’ I mumble. ‘I can’t explain it.’

  As I look up to him, his face has grown softer. ‘OK,’ he says.

  Oh no. I hope he doesn’t think I’m just trying to get his pity. Trying to make him feel bad by crying. I’m really not. ‘Now you are here, I don’t want you to go, you know,’ I say.

  He looks at me, his face almost in pain. ‘Willow … ’

  ‘I know.’

  He twists his mouth, as if he’s really battling the words coming out of it. ‘I don’t understand what you want. I thought if I could find you it would all become clear. We’d be able to figure it out. But I can see it’s not that easy. You’re so sad, Willow, and I don’t know if I can fix that. And I’m hurting so much, and I don’t know if you can fix that either.’ He pinches the bridge of his nose. ‘I don’t know what to do. We’re at a crossroads, and I don’t know which road to take.’

  ‘Me neither,’ I say.

  I hear the noise of the train coming. It’s his train, it’s coming on this platform. This is it now, tim
e to say goodbye. At least it was a better goodbye. I stand up and look down at him as the train stops and the door opens. ‘What are you doing?’ he says, looking at me.

  I look back to the train – yep, it’s definitely here – then back to him. ‘Your train is here.’

  He smiles slightly and taps the seat next to him. I slowly sit back down. ‘It’s OK, I want to wait till the next one.’

  I sit there in silence, just enjoying being next to him, before I find myself carefully resting my head on his shoulder. He puts his arm around me. ‘I just want to be in this moment for a little longer,’ he says, his breath tickling the back of my neck.

  ‘Me too,’ I say, as I close my eyes.

  I knew our story wasn’t for ever, I knew that, I knew that as soon as I left, but I just want to hold onto the last page for a while more.

  Chapter 79

  Dustin

  Four months later

  I open the door and see Willow standing in front of me. Whenever I see her now, I seem to pause for a second, my words getting lost in my throat. And then I have to blink, I have to remember where I am, remember time doesn’t stand still. I smile, and say, ‘Hey.’

  She smiles back, her eyes scanning my face, before whispering a small ‘Hi.’

  Then my attention moves towards the precious little girl in her arms. Zara is getting bigger every time I blink, I swear. It’s only been two days since I saw her, but it feels like months. Willow hands her to me, I hold Zara and swing her around. ‘Hello, my beautiful girl,’ I whisper, nuzzling her neck.

  Willow is standing at the door awkwardly.

  ‘You coming in then?’

  She still waits to be invited in. Every time. But she does come in.

  Every time.

  Two months ago we made a plan. Every weekend Willow has Zara, and I have her during the week. I won’t lie, at the beginning I was shit scared. What if Willow left again, what if she took Zara with her this time? What would I do then?

  But Willow is her mum, and I can’t take Zara away from her. So we did it, and Willow took her on the Friday. I was an anxious mess, stressed, pacing, I didn’t sleep, barely let my phone out of my sight. Desperately trying to resist the temptation to call her up and check they were both OK. And then Sunday came around, and Willow came back. She came back the Sunday after that too. And the Sunday after that. And we’ve been doing it every weekend since.