I’m all in.
I recall the first time I truly understood the turn of phrase.
La Bella y El Santo.
Chapter Forty: I Swear
August 1999
It’s Sunday night dinner at the Santos’. I’ve asked Lito to make room for Izzy and Mazzy. It’s time to show Izzy, I’m all in.
“Quit fucking with the table settings, mano.” Baz isn’t appreciating my fiddling around with his neatly set table. I’m nervous as fuck and I need something to do. “So, what’s got you more nervous, Diego? Coming cleaning with Lito or whether or not Mazzy can get Izzy here?” I flash my eyes up to his. They’re laced with a warning. He holds up his hands in mock defense. “Fifty bucks says Izzy will show,” he says. “Can’t bet on the Lito thing, ‘cause pretty sure he’s gonna kill you.”
He’s right. My shoulders slump, but I’m hoping it’s just the right amount of all-in Izzy is looking for.
“What’s that?” Baz asks and my body goes rigid.
Shit! I wore the long sleeves to hide my level of all-in. Mostly insane, but wholly done out of love. Before I can raise the sleeve to show Baz, he does it for me. I don’t look to see what he’ll see, I watch his face instead. His eyes go big and he gets a ridiculous grin. He lets out a low whistle and finishes with a chortle.
“You certainly went all-in, mano? Lito know?” I nod my answer and if possible, Baz’s eyes go even bigger.
“I had to tell him why I took money out of the bank.”
“I know I said she’s going to give you another shot, but I did say it was a shot in hell. You know that means it’s not guaranteed, right?”
“I know, but Baz,” I pause, rolling the sleeve back into place, “things haven’t been right since I bailed on Izzy. And I know nothing is guaranteed, I do know that I may never feel the way I feel about her ever again. That—”
“Alright, alright,” he interrupts. “Save the speeches for those that matter. I’m just making sure your heads not completely up your ass. What did Lito say?” The question was barely above a whisper.
I shrug. “He asked questions that I couldn’t answer without explaining everything. Which is why we’re here tonight. If coming clean to Lito doesn’t show her I’m all-in, no amount of inked skin,” I say, gesturing to the hidden art, “will do the job either.”
A knock at the door and both Baz and I go very still. He’s the first to break the spell and turns to look at me. His eyes asking if I’m ready. “Don’t just stand there. Abre la puerta.” Even as he tells us to open the door, he does it.
“Izzy,” he greets, “mi bella preciosa.” He places a kiss on each of her cheeks and directs his attention to Mazzy and greets her in much the same way. “Let’s eat,” he orders.
“Wait!” My outburst takes them all by surprise. “Sorry, it’s just—” I stammer “—it’s just…I want to talk first.”
Sebastian and Mazzy have shit-eating grins. Izzy and Lito look at me as if I’ve lost my mind.
“Lito.” I look directly at him. “I know you know that I messed up with Izzy…why don’t we sit?”
“Diego,” Izzy interrupts. When I look to meet her eyes, she gives me a shake of her head. “You don’t—”
“I do. All in, right?”
Mazzy scoffs and Baz mumbles something that sounded a lot like, “You can say that again.”
I wait for Izzy and Lito to take their seats in the living room. Baz and Mazzy make themselves scarce by going to the kitchen. I’m grateful. This is already going to be tough, but their colorful commentary would only make it tougher.
“Diego.” This time, when Izzy says my name it almost sounds like she’s pleading with me.
I just shake it off and start. “Lito,” I say with a sigh. “I’m sure you’ve surmised that I’ve done something to make this all go awry.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “But you don’t know what.” I adjust to face Izzy. “I’ve apologized so many times, I’ve lost count.” She starts to say something, but I hold up my hand, wordlessly asking her to let me finish. “I realized with the help of Mazzy that my apologies aren’t enough and…when I was off proving myself another moment presented itself.” I gesture to the room. “That’s the one I’m starting with now.”
Both wear confused looks, but Izzy looks a little worried as well. “So, a few months ago, I went out with some of the guys from my team. Throughout the night at the pool hall, I kept checking my phone for the time. The guys teased me about having to be home by curfew. About not pissing off the wifey. There was even some whip cracking sounds.” The puff of air Izzy releases says it all. “Yes, I know now how ridiculous all this sounds.” I face her. “I should not have let their immature ideas and sound effects get to me, but they did.” I turn back to Lito. “I let those things get to me and I blew Izzy off. I let her go. I said things about not being ready for a wife and I used my age as an excuse. I let their stupid ideas wipe from my mind the fact that I wanted Izzy to be my last.” With a raise of his eyebrows, I know Lito remembers our conversation. I shift back to look at Izzy for this next part. “You weren’t happy with my whiplash causing. change of mind and you were more understanding than I deserved.”
“Diego, I don’t think this is necessary.”
“There you go again.” My voice is filled with awe and disbelief. “Izzy, I have to do this. You don’t get to save me again from myself…from my messes.”
Facing Lito, I mentally prepare myself to say the part that will make Lito look at me differently. “I missed Izzy’s birthday party,” I blurt. “Because I was too busy trying to prove that I hadn’t found the love of my life at the age of nineteen.” I can’t look at either of them. “When Izzy came to look for me, she found me in bed with—” Fuck. How do I spit this out? “—she found me—”
“Let’s just say I found him naked and not with me,” Izzy finishes for me.
“Diego?” Lito says my name like a question wondering if what Izzy said was true. She shakes her head to tell me the specifics aren’t important.
“Mostly like that, Lito.”
“I don’t see why you needed to tell me. The problem you’re having is with Izzy.” He gives her a sympathetic look with a pat on the knee.
“I messed up and ever since, I’ve been trying to fix it. To make it up to Izzy. To make us right. Make us whole. I know without you saying anything that you’re disappointed in me. In fact, if I had told you this without Izzy present, I’m pretty sure you’d have a chancla in your hand and swatting me with it. I also know that you would mumble something about what my mother would say or do. Anyway, I came up with this idea because I’m hoping that by willingly tarnishing the image you have of me, maybe Izzy will give me that second chance. And then there’s this.” I lift the sleeve to show Izzy.
I’m not sure how to take her gasp, but her silence is even more worrisome. As she stares at the tattoo on my right forearm, I’m not sure this was the way to go. The tattoo she continues to study reads, La Bella y El Santo. “Izzy?” I hope the panic isn’t evident in my voice. “Can you say something?”
Without saying anything, Lito gives us a moment alone. I take the opportunity to start rambling. “I want you to be my last. I’ve always wanted that even when I acted like I didn’t. I—”
“Diego, that’s forever,” she says, pointing to the tattoo on my arm. “You can’t—I can’t—”
“It’s not just forever, it’s for always,” I offer. “Izabella Zoe Marino, I promise that I will never lose sight of what I have—had—with you. I will forever remember what it’s like to be without you. I will always have this,” I hold my right forearm with the tattoo over my heart, “even if I don’t have you.” She’s not screaming at me. It’s a good sign, so I continue. “I fucked up…epically. And I’m sure if the tables were turned, I’d hate you. I wo
uldn’t be able to see forgiving you, so I know what I’m asking. I know that in my one moment to show you what kind of man I was, I showed you the kind of man I didn’t want to be.” I see tears well up in her eyes and I just hope they’re the good kind. “Mi bella preciosa. No lo sabía entonces, pero ahora los sé.” I didn’t know it then, but I know now. “Eres la razón por la que mi corazón late.” You are the reason my heart beats. “Tú eres la música. Mi música” You are the music. My music. “Contigo, soy un hombre mejor.” With you, I am a better man. “Juntos, vamos a ser La Bella y El Santo.” Together, we will be the Beauty and the Saint.
“What did he just say?” I hear Mazzy ask in a hushed voice. I don’t look, but it’s almost a certainty that we have an audience.
Shockingly, it’s Lito that answers. “He said she was the reason his heart beats. She’s his music. With her, he’s a better man. Together, they’re the La Bella y El Santo, the Beauty and the Saint.”
“Awww,” Mazzy responds. “Izabella Zoe,” she says in an almost hushed voice. “If you don’t say something to the man, I’m changing my name and I’ll be his Beauty.”
I let out a nervous laugh while Lito and Baz chuckle softly. Izzy just rolls her eyes, but smiles sweetly. With a resolute look, Izzy leans into me, her mouth lined up with my ear. She whispers, “Eventually, I will forgive you, but I will never forget. You hurt me in ways I swore to never let someone do. You also made me love in ways I never thought possible. I’ll be your beauty, but from here on out, you’d better be my fucking saint.”
And then she kisses me. Her hands framing my face, she pulls me in and kisses me.
“I’m guessing that went well,” Baz says.
“Thank goodness,” Mazzy says in relief. “I’m starving.”
Izzy starts to pull away, but I cling to her as if she’s my oxygen. I deepen the kiss, gently prying her lips apart with my tongue. A couple of soft swirls of my tongue and I feel her melt in my arms. Her hands release my face and wrap around my neck. I squeeze her into me and I melt. I bring her in tighter and I pour my heart into this kiss. As if a switch had been flipped, our needs went from healing to passion. I can feel her desperation, it matches my own.
Lito clears his throat and Izzy jerks away. I whisper into her ear, “Seems we may have forgotten where we were.” And she blushes. Her cheeks flush with embarrassment and a guilty smile graces her face.
“Dinner is served,” Lito says.
I let out a sigh of relief. I knew there was the possibility that this wasn’t what Izzy wanted for proof which meant she wouldn’t likely stay for dinner. I squeeze her hand as we make our way to the table. I look down to smile at her and she’s staring at my tattoo again. “Do you like it?” Now, I’m worried that maybe she thinks it’s cheesy or possibly too much.
“I can’t believe you did that.”
“I considered many other possibilities. Even asked a few females for ideas. Pretty sure the whole boom box outside your window wouldn’t have worked and one of the teeny boppers in the neighborhood suggested singing and dancing like some guy named Heath Ledger. I know music is your thing, but I wasn’t going to a movie theater to see what she meant.”
She laughed.
“I considered proposing, but—”
The whole room went still. I look up and all eyes are on me. I realize that although the off-handed comment was meant for Izzy’s ears, the others heard it, too. By their silent stares, probably not really an off-handed topic. “I’m not going to propose, but not because I don’t want to. But because when I do propose, I want it to be an amazing moment in the midst of an amazing time in our lives. I want it to be a milestone that isn’t there to right a wrong or fix what’s broken. I realized—almost as soon as I had the thought—that proposing wasn’t the fix to our situation. That proposing would only conceal the fact that I broke your trust under a shroud of engagement.” I give her a weak smile, hoping my pun was caught. “I want to marry you, Izabella Zoe. That is the one thing I am most certain of. I know that a life with you would be a life worth living, an adventure fit for lore and songs. A life without you would be a life unlived. But marriage can wait, so as long as you promise me forever.”
I hear a sniffle in the room, but looking at Izzy, I know it’s not coming from her. “Damn you, Tweedle D.” I quietly laugh, knowing I got to Mazzy.
“Can we be done with your speeches? The dinner Lito and I made is getting cold.” I give him a nod as we take our seats. When he passes by me, he adds, “Damn, bro. Who’d you get to write that for you?”
I blow out a breath of contentment. The rest of them laugh at Baz’s innate ability to alleviate the tension in the room with his uncouth wisecracks.
Dinner was better than perfect. Izzy sat by me and she seemed to need the constant contact as much as I did. I don’t recall a moment where a part of us wasn’t touching. In fact, as we drive back to her place her hand rests on my lap. Lito told stories about me as a child and talked about my mom. He shared some embarrassing ones of Baz and me that brought up how he became Baz’s legal guardian.
It must’ve been obvious that Izzy and I needed some alone time, because the planned dessert was cancelled and Mazz made a big deal about going out with Baz. Lito shooed us out while he wrangled Mazzy and Baz to help with dishes before they left.
We’re almost at Izzy’s house and my nerves are all over the place. You’d think that this was my first time. “What’s so amusing?” Izzy asks.
“That obvious?” I ask.
“Well, at first you almost looked scared.” She sounds thoughtful. “But then it looked like you were about to laugh.”
“You’ve been watching me?” I ask slightly surprised. “Stalker much?”
“Ha! You’re one to talk.”
“Well, if you must know, I’m a little nervous. It’s not like we haven’t been where we’re going or done what we’ll do, but the last time didn’t end so well and before that the last time you saw me naked was not exactly my shining moment.” I hate to bring up the bad shit, but I’m practicing full disclosure honesty.
“Ahhh, I see.”
The silence becomes suffocating when Izzy doesn’t follow up with anything more than her understanding. My nerves accelerate and my heart feels like it’s going to leap out of my chest. I steer her car into the driveway and I’m trying to talk myself out of freaking the fuck out.
“Hey.” She jolts me from the recesses of my mind. “It’s going to be fine. Like riding a bike after falling off and skinning your knee.”
I laugh uncertainly. “Did you really just compare getting naked together to falling off my bike and skinning my knee?”
She opens her door and climbs out. She leans down to look at me. “I did. Now, it’s a nice night for a ride. Don’t you think?”
“Mi bella preciosa, you never cease to amaze me,” I say as I lumber out of the car.
“C’mon, lover. You get the fire going in my bedroom while I slip into something more comfortable.”
“That’s so cliché, Izzy.”
“Right?” she asks as she pushes open her front door. “Cliché but true,” she tsks.
She traipses off to the master bathroom while I manage the not-so-challenging task of turning a knob and striking a match to get the fire started. It’s a clear, cool August night in San Diego, so I decide to open the French doors to Izzy’s room. The gentle breeze is refreshing but not too cold. I set up a makeshift bed in front of the fireplace and decide that candles should be lit. The acts I’m performing remind me of similar tasks Izzy performed the night of our second date. Of course, we were interrupted before things really got started. I laugh to myself as I undress down to just my boxer briefs. That night I realized I was going to be a goner. I also realized that she was going to turn my world upside down and I wouldn’t know it until it was too late.
<
br /> “Did I hear you laughing?”
I turn around to face Izzy and my answer dies on the tip of my tongue. Standing in the glow of the fire and the burning candles, Izzy is breathtaking in a nearly see-through slip. In fact, I can make out every bit of her curves as the candles from behind her highlight her silhouette. “Damn, Izzy.” Then she grabs her silk robe and puts it on. My brows furrow and I bite the inside of my cheek. Did I say something wrong?
“We’re going to play a little game,” she explains. “I’ve actually got on more than you can see. For each part you do well, I’ll take off a piece as a reward.”
“No more games, Izzy. Not tonight,” I plea. “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to take the reins tonight. I want to take care of you.”
She cradles my head in her hands. She nods and mouths her answer, “Okay.”
“Now, if you’ll come with me.”
I lead her to our temporary love nest and before helping her to the floor, I remove the robe she had just put on. She props herself up on one of the many pillows and I take my place next to her. “Close your eyes, bella.” She does as requested and I trail my hand down her body, starting just under her ear to her fingertips on one side, back up and down the rest of the same side. I repeat the process on the other side and I give myself a mental pat on the back as I see her flesh visibly react, blushing and pebbling under my touch.
After repeating this a few times, I lay soft, gentle kisses from shoulder to shoulder across her chest. My name is a breathless plea on her lips and it’s all the encouragement I need as I trail kisses up the side of her neck to behind her ear. Making my way a peck at a time across her jaw, I hover just above her lips. I wait for the moment to steal her breath. Her eyes flash open and that’s my cue. I press my lips to hers and slowly part them, lazily licking back and forth before plunging in to tangle our tongues. A moan escapes as our kiss turns hungry and frantic.
Love Needs Another Chance (Truth About Love #3) Page 27