by Claire Adams
"Thanks for telling me. I should have let you say something earlier."
"What did you think the truth was?"
"I had thought everything, everything you could imagine," she said, looking at me. "To be honest, I had been bracing myself for the worst." I scoffed. I had a lot of work to do. Obviously, the explanation had just been the beginning. It was going to take some time to win her back.
"I was mad, but I wouldn't have resorted to that just to spite you, Shel." She looked at me, and she kind of looked a little different since I had seen her last. Not bad different. More like tired. She had just gotten off of work so that might have had something to do with it. I wanted to ask her, but I didn't know whether she'd take it the wrong way.
"Thanks," she said, glancing down at her hands again.
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"I haven't talked to you in a little while; how has everything been? Work?"
"Fine, everything's been okay. Damien's okay too." That had been my next question. I hadn't seen him in a little while either, and it had sucked.
"That's good to hear."
"I guess. Nothing's really changed for me since we last talked. You got a new apartment," she said. "Well, about half of one."
"Ha-ha," I said drily.
"Were you looking long?"
"No. I didn't want to live out of a hotel anymore, so I took this place the minute it became available."
"A little tight in here, don't you think? You owned your place in Tribeca, right? What did you end up doing with that?" She was teasing me then.
"It's small, but size matters less than what you can do with it," I said, making her giggle slightly. "I've been here a few days, and I don't have any complaints."
"None?" she asked, not believing me.
"Not really. It’s small, sure, but I don't have a lot of stuff. It's interesting how little I actually need after all."
"Wow," she said. "You came to L.A., the land of celebrity, and it turned you into a minimalist?"
"Nope, you taught me that."
"Me? When? How?"
"When you said my job at WRTC fed into my ego too much," I explained. "Thanks. I needed that." She shrugged and said I was welcome since she had apparently taught me something. I held back. All the big changes that had happened in my life had been because of her. I wouldn't have quit, moved here, started writing, anything if she hadn't been there as a catalyst. My feelings for her… I didn’t even know what to call it. She had given me so much, and she didn’t even know it. Not just Damien. I felt like I had direction now. I hadn’t felt lost before, working at WRTC, but I hadn’t been going anywhere. What would I get year after year? More fame? More screen time? For what? I had actually had to try lately, not just doing something that came naturally to me. That was priceless, and it was because of her. I'd tell her but not just yet. She hadn't come to hear that, but I did want her to stay.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked.
"Sure."
"Where were you last weekend?" She looked down, smiling wryly.
"My mom's. She lives in Napa. I went to see her. Damien and I didn't make it up there for Christmas, so I just thought it would be good to see her." She had mentioned in conversation briefly that her parents lived in Northern California. Lucky, I thought, that they were so close.
"Must have been nice."
"A little cooler than L.A. this time of year, but yeah. My mom and stepdad love Damien too, so it worked out."
"They must have been glad to see you." She looked at me.
"After the dinner, then the thing with the pictures, I wanted to get away. I... I didn't want to be in the house where I knew you could drop by." I kept my face steady so she couldn't tell how much that hurt.
"Did you think... are you scared of me?"
"No," she said, shaking her head. "I was angry. I was jealous, and right then, I was bent on being mad at you. I ran," she admitted. "I shouldn't have. I should have at least told you something. I know you came to the house. I wasn't thinking about what you would have felt, especially since I had taken Damien. It was selfish. I'm sorry for disappearing like that."
"Just tell me next time," I said, trying to keep the strain out of my voice. She had run away from me before, coming to L.A. after our first night together. Was this just the way it was going to be with us? So how much before she left and just didn’t come back? She did this time but how many were left? Our eyes met, and I held her gaze for a few seconds. She looked away first.
"I should head back home. I asked Damien's sitter to stay with him while I was gone. I don't want to keep her too long," she said.
"You said he's doing good?"
"Great. He’s putting things in his mouth a lot more lately, I think that means he’s about to start teething."
"Already? I didn't know you could do it this early."
"Some babies develop a little faster than others, I guess," she said. She stood. "Thanks for talking to me. I have a lot to think about. I'll head out." Teeth? Already? He wasn't too small for that? Not that I knew anything about kids, but he was little. Had it been that long? This baby thing was a trip. I wanted her to keep talking, but I knew better to try to keep her when she didn't want to stay.
"Can I call you?"
"You've been calling me every day, Jason."
"Will you pick up now?" I asked. She paused before she nodded.
"Yes. I'll pick the phone up if you call me." She walked towards the door, and I followed her.
"One last thing."
"What?" she asked, turning.
"When can I see Damien again?" She smiled slightly.
"When you call me, we can figure something out."
Chapter Thirty
Shelby
"Hello?" There was a brief silence on the other end of the line.
"You picked up," he said, sounding surprised.
"I said that I would," I said.
"I know. It's just, you said that you needed time to think. I didn't want to rush you." It was Sunday. I had been surprised that he had waited as long as he had to call me since he had been incessant the whole week. I had needed time to think about what he had said to me, true, but the decision hadn't been that hard to reach.
Even if I was still guarded, there was still Damien. Jason loved him; I saw it whenever they were together. It would have been cruel to keep Jason from him just because my feelings were a mess. It would have been unfair to Damien too. I wanted him to feel loved. There was no good reason to keep Jason from his son unless he proved that he couldn't be a parent. He had learned the basics really fast, and nobody could say that he wasn't serious about it.
"Well, how are you?" he asked. I told him I was okay. Damien was napping. I was in my room, pumping milk to fill a couple bottles to take with us to the park.
"What about Damien?"
"He's napping right now, but as soon as he's awake, I want to take him to the park. Would you like to come with us?"
"The park?" he asked, a little distracted.
"Are you busy today?"
"No. I'm not. I'd love to come. What time?" he asked. I told him that I'd send him a text when Damien got up from his nap. He said he'd meet us there. I hung up, smiling. The park for Damien and I was part of our weekly routine. I had thought about inviting Jason yesterday, but I had been afraid that he would have said no to coming. He had a job now and his own place. He had said that he wanted to see Damien again, but I had been managing my expectations so I didn't fall too far if he disappointed me.
There had to be a point when he just stopped trying, and I never wanted to get there. Damien meant we would probably always have something to do with each other, but I was scared of what I felt when we were together. The sex was great, but I wasn't sure what he wanted. He wasn't seeing anyone else, but I didn't know whether he wanted anything real with me past Damien. It didn’t matter what was happening between us. It was less important than being there for Damien. I finished pumping and
got ready to leave before Damien woke up. After changing him, we went to the park.
Jason was there when we arrived, sitting at a picnic table near the playground. The nerves I hadn't been feeling at all till seeing him made my pulse quicken a little. I had been with him just the other day, but I'd had time to think. He stood when he saw us. I smiled at him as we came up, holding Damien in his carrier seat.
"Hi," he said. His voice shook a little. I was glad I wasn't the only one who was nervous.
"Hey, hope you weren't waiting too long," I said, putting Damien's carrier seat down on the table.
"No, not at all. Can I take him?" he asked. I nodded. Jason looked down at Damien in his carrier. In that split second, he completely transformed. He smiled, undoing the buckles and lifting Damien out. He kissed him softly, cuddling him to his chest. It was adorable. He had missed him. Damien giggled, smiling at his dad.
"He got bigger," Jason remarked.
"Mm-hmm. Any day now, his teeth will start coming in."
"Can I take him to the swings?" he asked. He didn't have to, but I appreciated that he did. I told him to go ahead. I watched Jason take Damien to the swings and carefully put him into one. Should I go over there, I wondered. Damien's happy laughs carried to where I was sitting, watching them. Jason crouched down in front of the swing, pushing from the front, pretending to be scared of Damien's flailing little legs, making him laugh.
No, Jason deserved the bonding time with Damien. Watching them, I was amazed at how warm I felt. There was no way I'd be able to keep them apart. Jason wanted this. We hadn't planned to have a baby, and he had lived for months before he had known that he had one, but he was in now. He wasn't going anywhere.
Are you sure about that, though, I wondered. Sure? I wasn't sure about anything. I knew that I'd do anything for Damien, but I could only speak for myself. Jason and I had known each other for a fairly long time, but I didn't know him well enough to be sure that letting him be part of Damien's life would be the right thing to do. He was unpredictable. He wasn't like anyone I had ever been involved with. I didn't want to get comfortable with having him around then lose him. I didn't want that for Damien, or for myself.
What if we didn't work out? Tons of people parented with former partners, but I didn't want that for us, or Damien. Keeping my distance just made sense. It would be safe. Sometimes the person who was a great partner wasn't a great parent. Other times it was the other way around. Jason could be a parent, but I didn't want to risk trying anything with him. I shouldn't have wanted to try anything with him. I wanted to. No matter how cautious I felt, part of me still wanted to try.
He was trying; I could at least give him that and make sure he knew I wasn't taking him for granted. We were going to have to at the very least deal with each other. I didn't want to fight. After a little while, they came back to the picnic table. I put a blanket I had brought down on the grass, and we sat there instead so Damien could play with some of the toys I had brought too.
Jason carefully placed Damien on his front, down on the blanket. He raised himself on his arms and tried to scoot towards a squeaky stuffed toy I had put down in front of him.
"Whoa, when did he start doing that?" Jason asked.
"This past week. He's getting pretty active."
"Can he crawl yet?"
"No. Give it a few more months maybe before that. Do you want to feed him?" I asked. Jason said he did, picking Damien up and holding him, sitting on the blanket across from me. I watched as he now expertly bottle fed Damien, laughing as he tried to hold the bottle in place himself.
"I can't believe it's only been a little over a week. We could practically send him to college already," Jason joked. I smiled.
"You should see how fast he grows out of his clothes."
"Thanks for this. I was going to end up spending the afternoon inside, working."
"He's your son too," I said, shrugging. "I think it's important that the two of you spend time together."
"So am I invited next week too?"
"Do you want to? Spend more time with him?"
"I'm his father," his said. "Of course I want to spend time with him. There's just this shift when there's a kid," he said, looking down at Damien. "I feel like I'd die before I let anything happen to him." I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant.
"If you want to, I think we can set something up where you have him sometimes." Jason looked at me, eyes wide.
"You want me to take him?"
"I get it if you think you're not ready. This whole thing is trial and error anyway. You never really get any time alone, just you two. No pressure. It just feels like the next step, if you're ready I mean."
"Shel, are you sure?" he asked. He had burped Damien and put him back down on the blanket.
"I've been thinking about it, and if anything's going to work between us, I have to start trusting you. I have to let you be the dad you didn't get to be for his first three months. It's not just about what I want; it's about what Damien needs too." He leaned over Damien between us on the blanket, cupped my face and kissed me, softly on the cheek.
"I'd love that, Shel," he said earnestly.
"We have to start small, though. It's the most I can give just now."
"I'll take anything," he said.
"Okay. First, there's the sitter," I said. "I have to have her sometimes when I have to go out grocery shopping and stuff like that, particularly during the weekend."
"I can take over for her," Jason said. "That's what? A few hours at a time?" I nodded. "I can do that," he said confidently. "Didn't she pick Damien up from your work the other day?"
"Yeah. As long as the person's approved with the daycare, I can have other people pick him up."
"I get off work hours before you do."
"What time?"
"Two in the afternoon. I know your office has a daycare but..." He trailed off, shrugging.
"Do you think you could?"
"It would be more convenient than the hours after you get home. He's just heading to sleep around that time anyway." He was right. If he wanted quality time, it would make sense to have him earlier in the day. If he had the time anyway then why not? I had to let him do something. This was the only way we would get anywhere.
"What do you say to starting tomorrow?”
Chapter Thirty-One
Jason
I had to hand it to Lake: he been right. I had been apprehensive about writing for TV, but I had woken up for work every day actually excited to go. Not that I hadn't when I had been an anchor, but it was a different kind of work. Fewer hours, more solitary time, and a different product that finally made it on screen. Before, I had been the product. It had been my job to read the news, but I had always been attached to what I did on screen, me, the person I was even when the cameras would stop rolling. I couldn’t get away from it. I got a writing credit for my work with the show now, but I worked behind the scenes.
It was liberating in a weird way. Privacy meant a lot to the people who couldn’t have it. Jason Bowman wasn't the guy on the TV anymore. I was just me. The years in broadcast had been good, but I couldn't imagine having the hours that I had had at WRTC trying to live the life that I wanted now. Things had changed, and that was just how it went sometimes. I didn't want to be the guy on the TV; I wanted to be Shelby's partner, I wanted to be Damien's father. I had only ever seen myself in a box, one that happened ironically to be a television screen. I hadn’t really wanted out till I had gotten out. There was so much out there. There were so many other ways to make yourself happy.
I watched the clock at work all day, just waiting for two-thirty so I could finally leave. Today was going to be my first afternoon alone with Damien. Shel and I had arranged it so I picked him up around three-thirty or four; I needed time before getting him to get my place ready. That and I needed to get a car, so I could pick him up and drop him off safely. Since Shelby's visit last Friday I had been reading as much as I could to get ready for having Damien on my o
wn. I had the general hang of feeding and changing him, but without Shelby nearby as support, I wanted to be as ready as possible. Even with the greatest intentions, accidentally hurting Damien wasn't going to help my cause.
There were a lot of books telling moms how to raise new babies, not that many for dads, but almost every one that I had found, I had gotten. I'd need a shelf for them eventually, piling up on my work table at the apartment. I wanted to show Shel that she wasn't making a mistake taking this step with me, but I also wanted to prove it to myself. I was the last person I would have thought would be a dad, let alone a good one. I owed it to Damien to do everything I could, and I owed it to myself to be the best father I could be to him.
I was buzzing when I finally left the office. The first thing I had to do was get the car. Lake had referred me to a dealer that would let me rent a car short term. I wasn't picky; a thing with four wheels, good mileage, and enough space to attach an infant seat, that was all I wanted. I drove the car straight from the dealer's to the store, a baby and infant shop I had looked up not too far from where I lived. I had a lot of books telling me how to do the dad thing but not a lot of anything else. Going into the shop was like the first time that I had been in the toy store, getting a gift for Damien what seemed like so long ago now. It was an entire consumer world that I had had no idea about.
The store was big, decorated in a lot of white and pastel colors and big, blown up pictures of babies and kids advertising clothes and toys all over the walls and displays. They had everything from clothes, to bottles and toys, to gear like carrier seats and baby slings so you could wear your kid on your chest. Did I just start at one end and pick one of everything till I got to the other? I needed help. A saleswoman, short, glasses, maybe between thirty-five and forty-five, was rearranging a display of boxes. Getting closer, I saw they were for infant pool floaties. Did Damien need those?