Breathe

by Amber Lacie

  The smell of freshly brewed coffee lures me into the kitchen. I find two pain pills beside a cup of coffee, waiting for me on the table. I can hear Holden’s voice, but it is a low mumble. My eyes follow the cord from the phone hanging on the wall, out of the kitchen and into the mudroom by the side door. I am not sure who he is talking to, but it is obvious that he doesn’t want me involved with it. It is not as though I can get upset about it. I have thrown myself back into his life without any warning. I am sure that I have set everything off course.

  Looking up from my coffee, I see Holden hanging the receiver back on the wall. His hand rubs the back of his neck, as he lets out a deep sigh of frustration. Curiosity eats at me. “Who was that?”

  “Becca. She was checking on you. She came to the hospital, but you were asleep.”

  “Oh. Did she need you for something? I can hang here if you need to go.”

  “She doesn’t need me right now and even if she did, I wouldn’t leave.”

  “Okay.” Nodding my head, I take another sip of my coffee. The urge to touch him, to feel his breath on my skin, to hear his heart beat is so strong, but I hold back.

  “Did she tell you she got the job?”

  “The librarian position?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t know if she told you.”

  “She mentioned applying, but the job was in Indianapolis. She didn’t want to drive that far.”

  “That’s what she was calling about. She is moving this weekend and she is requesting some muscle to help her out. She has Mark, but he’ll need someone to help him move the bigger stuff.”

  Standing, I set my empty cup in the sink. I turn around and lean against the countertop. “Mark?”

  “Her boyfriend. Didn’t she tell you? They got together right after you left.”

  “No, she didn’t, but to be honest I don’t think I even asked.” I sigh out of pure frustration at my own selfishness. I don’t even know my friends anymore.

  “What do you think? Are you up for a road trip with me? It will be just like old times.”

  “Except, none of us have ever gone on a road trip together.”

  “Okay. Then it will be old friends doing new things. Come on. You know you can’t say no to me.”

  “Really. Is that what you think?”

  “It’s what I know. You can’t resist me.” Giving me a wink, he holds his hand out for mine. He is right. My body pulls towards him like a magnet. Our fingers lace together and he presses a soft kiss to my temple. “Do you know why you can’t say no?”

  “No. Tell me.”

  “It’s simple science. I need you so I can breathe, just like you need me. We need each other purely for survival reasons.”

  Rolling my eyes, I bump my shoulder into his. My fingers pull from his, as I walk out the side door. He slowly follows me, watching every step I take. My eyes flick towards the pole barn and then back to his. He softly shakes his head no. Sighing, I give up on the idea of taking the quad out for a spin. I would give anything to feel the wind blowing through my hair with my arms wrapped tight around his waist. But, he is probably right. There is no sense in injuring my already broken ribs.

  “When is the last time you let yourself have a little fun?”

  “It’s been a while.”

  “Come swing with me.”

  “What? How old is that thing anyways? It doesn’t look very sturdy.”

  “Gah. Will you stop questioning me already? You already know you’re going to do it. Come on.” Holden walks through the tall grass behind the pole barn, over to an old oak tree. There is a rope looped around one of the branches. A crooked grin appears on his face. I know that smile. I am in trouble. Racing over to the tree, he jumps and lands with his feet planted inside of the tire. He stands on the swing and leans back, while pulling the rope back and forth. I find myself laughing at him. He is such an idiot sometimes. I love it.

  “You’re going to fall on your ass.”

  “Nah. I got this.” He leans farther back, causing the swing to go higher. As the swing races towards the sky, he lets go and jumps into the air. He flips before landing on his feet with a few stumbles. “See?” Holding his arm out, he catches the tire bringing it to a stop. “You ready?”

  “No. I think I’ll stay on the ground where it’s safe.”

  “Carsten. Come. Here.” Each word he speaks stands alone, waiting for me to follow his command. I swallow down my nerves climbing out of my stomach. His tone wasn’t menacing or frightening. The only thing scary about the way he just spoke to me is how desperate I want to go to him. My fingers brush against the tall blades of grass as I walk over to him.

  He takes my hand and helps me slide into the swing. My hands wrap around the worn rope. I feel his hands on my waist as he pulls me back, lifting me into the air. He lets go and I fly forward. The wind rushes through my hair. I can feel the warmth of the sun kiss my cheeks.

  “Lean back. Enjoy it!” Holden yells from behind me. Giving me another quick push, he sends me flying up towards the yellow leaves, clinging to the branches. I take his advice and lean back as my body rushes backwards. I feel his hands on my shoulders, pushing me away from his again. I start to laugh, letting go of the stress that I have been carrying around with me for way too long.

  Suddenly, I hear a loud crack, followed by Holden yelling, “Shit.”

  My body flies up towards the tree, but instead of swinging backwards in true pendulum fashion, the tire flies up into the air, flipping over twice, before landing with me still in it. My back slams into something solid, knocking the wind out of me. I gasp, as a sharp pain scorches across my side, burning from the inside out. Strong arms wrap around me, while long legs appear to be kicking the tire away from me. My hands reach down and I can feel soft material underneath me. Tears from the mixture of pain, along with the realization that he has caught me, trickle from my eyes.

  “I got you. I got you.” He carefully sits up, cradling me in his lap. “Are you okay?” I nod, as he brushes the hair from my face. So much for my ponytail. My hair is now scattered around my face, adorned with leaves. “This wasn’t my best idea. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I had fun until I crashed.”

  “It’s the crashing part that has me worried.”

  “I’m okay.” I stand and brush the leaves and dirt from my jeans. Hysterical laughter falls from my lips, when I turn around and see Holden standing with his back to me.

  “How bad is it?”

  “You’re completely covered in mud.” His entire back is slicked with dark brown mud all the way down to the back of his knees. My side is yelling at me to stop, but I can’t control this laughter. This isn’t any old laugh, either. This one is special and completely reserved just for him. No one else can make me feel this deliriously happy.

  “I’m glad I amuse you. Can I shower now or do you need a few more minutes to take it all in?”

  “I’m sorry. I’ll be good. I promise. Go shower.” I cover my mouth to stifle the last few giggles trying to escape, as I watch him walk awkwardly back to the house.

  I can hear Carol yelling at him, before I even make it through the door. “Holden, how old are you exactly? I cannot believe you just walked through my house covered in mud. Don’t you laugh at me, young man. I’ll…I’ll…I don’t know what I’ll do, but it will be something. You’ll regret this.”

  I can hear Holden laughing, as he shuts the bathroom door behind him. Carol is still standing with groceries in her hands, looking at the muddy footprints leading through the kitchen, into the living room, and ending at the bathroom.

  “Carol, I’m sorry. It was my fault. The swing broke and he caught me. I guess I kind of knocked him into the mud.” I shift nervously on my feet expecting punishment.

  “Sweetie, it’s not your fault he’s an idiot. Don’t ever apologize for someone else’s idiocy. I swear he gets it from his dad.” She smiles at me as she sets down the groceries and starts wiping up the muddy footprints. Avoiding the wet sp
ots on the floor, I make my way back downstairs. Falling off the swing has taken everything out of me. My body is screaming at me in pain. I find Holden’s bed, prop myself up with some pillows, making myself as comfortable as I can, and drift to sleep.

  Chapter 12

  Screech. Screech. What the hell? Does he never hear his alarm? It has been four days now and every morning I have had to get up to turn off his alarm. He hasn’t been to school at all this week. I know he is missing classes, but every time I ask, he just shrugs his shoulders and changes the subject.

  We are supposed to head to Rebecca’s today to help her and Mark move. I knew we were going to help her, but I didn’t realize that they were moving in together. When I finally called her, she told me everything about him, including how they met on campus in Bloomington. They have both transferred to Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis. I am nervous for her. Moving in with someone changes everything. It was a lesson I wish I hadn’t learned.

  I smack Holden’s arm, but he continues to sleep, snoring loudly in my ear. Rolling my eyes, I maneuver myself around him and pull the cord to the alarm clock from the wall. I still haven’t figured out how to turn it off a different way. If the last couple of days were a pattern, then his dad has already left for work, and his mom is in the kitchen making us breakfast. I grab some clean clothes and head upstairs to the bathroom. The pain in my side is lessening every day. I am finally capable of holding my arms above my head without any discomfort.

  By the time I finish getting ready for the day, Holden is waiting in the kitchen for me. My breakfast is already set on the table, joined by a cup of steaming coffee. “Where’s your mom?”

  “She is volunteering at church today, so I made you breakfast.”

  “You can cook?”

  “I’m not sure. I have never done it before. You get to be my tester.”

  Sitting down, I poke my eggs with a fork. They look normal enough. “This is experimental food?”

  “Yep. Take a bite.”

  “Wait. Where’s yours?”

  “I already ate. Don’t worry, I survived. It was touch and go for a second, but I never gave up the good fight.”

  Rolling my eyes, I take my first bite. The eggs taste like eggs. I’m not sure what I was expecting them to taste like, but they are edible. I finish my plate and down my coffee. Holden is sitting across from me bouncing his leg impatiently. “So? How was it?”

  “The eggs tasted like…well, they tasted like eggs. Not bad I guess?”

  “Not bad? That’s all I get?”

  “Um, thank you for not poisoning me?”

  Holden tips his head back with a boisterous laugh. “Only you could get away with giving a compliment like that.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because you’re too honest to realize how to be polite. That’s why. You’re honest to a fault.”

  “Whatever. You’re not making any sense. When do we leave?”

  “I have packed all of our provisions. We can leave whenever you’re ready.”

  Standing, I place my dishes in the sink and turn around to face him. “I’ll grab a jacket and then we can go.”

  “Just wear this one.” Holden is standing with his brown leather jacket held out in front of him.

  “But what will you use for a jacket?”

  “Carsten, just put it on.” I slide my hands into the worn sleeves. His hands wrap around my waist, as he places a kiss on the top of my head. “Keep the jacket. It looks better on you.”

  A blush creeps into my cheeks. With my back towards him, I can’t see his reaction. I don’t want him to push things too far between us. I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around this situation because I know that I don’t deserve him.

  *****

  The drive to Rebecca’s parents place isn’t too far from Holden’s. A couple of quick turns down some dirt roads and we are pulling up in the front yard. Rebecca’s fire red hair is pulled back out of her face with her curls in a giant mess. Her hand is on her hips, as she points and dictates to who I can only assume is Mark. Her brother, Jefferson, is walking up and down the steps on the porch, passing boxes to their dad. How can one person have this much stuff?

  Rebecca flags me down, as I step out of the truck and walk towards the house. I currently regret agreeing to help. “Carsten! Thank God, you’re here. No one understands anything I’m telling them to do. It’s just unreal.”

  “Hi, Becca. It’s great to see you, too. Yes, I have missed you.” Sarcasm drips from my words.

  “Stop it. I have missed you, but I need your help. Don’t forget I’m Rebecca now.” Shaking my head, I follow her as she drags me by my arm into the house, straight up the stairs to her room. The neon signs have all been taken down. Bare mattresses on an old metal frame sit off to the side of the room. Boxes labeled clothes, shoes, and stuff are stacked in the center of the room.

  “What exactly are we doing up here?”

  “These are the last of the boxes, but I’m not sure what to do with this.” Pointing to the box labeled stuff, she plops down on the floor. Curiosity gets to me and I open the box. Yearbooks, old pictures of us, a macaroni necklace no one should keep, and intricately folded notes fill the box.

  “Is this us?”

  “Yeah. I kept our notes and some of the stuff you have given me over the years. I can’t take it all with me. I mean, it would just end up shoved in a drawer or left in the box. Do you want some of it?”

  “I don’t know.” My fingers move simply from memory as I open one of the folded notes. It is nothing of dire importance, though it probably seemed like it then. I laugh at the little hearts I drew around Mr. Baker’s name. He was our sixth-grade science teacher. I don’t think there was one girl in our grade who didn’t have a crush on him at some point. He was the classic tall, dark, and handsome. He even had glasses that he would wear. I swear, every time he smiled his teeth would sparkle. We were infatuated with him.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Do you remember Mr. Baker?”

  “Yes.” Sighing, she leans her head back with a smile. “It was the first time in my life I actually wanted to go to school. Why did he have to move away?”

  “I don’t know, but science class was never the same.”

  “Mrs. Clyde didn’t help the situation. Her moles were so big we started naming them, remember?”

  “I totally forgot! That was hilarious. Didn’t we name one Black Betty?”

  “Yes! The one on the tip of her nose.” Rebecca is laughing so hard. She falls backwards and rolls onto the floor, holding her sides. As if he knows exactly what we are talking about, Jefferson comes up the stairs singing the Black Betty song by Ram Jam. I slink to the floor with the note in my hand, laughing hysterically with Rebecca.

  My sides don’t hurt as much as they have been the last few days, but they don’t appreciate the hilarity of this situation. “Ouch. I can’t stop laughing. This isn’t helping at all.”

  “Didn’t you just escape lockdown? Why are you on the floor with my idiot sister?”

  “It’s not our fault. You came up here singing that song, and then…and then there was the mole.” Tears fall from my eyes, as I grasp my sides laughing.

  “Jefferson. Go…you’re making this worse.” Rebecca can’t compose herself, either. She takes a deep breath as if to regain her sanity, but she ends up braying like a donkey. I’m laughing so hard now that no sounds are coming from my mouth.

  “What the hell?” The familiarity of his voice pulls me from the hilarious stupidity I have found myself in. Holden is standing at the top of the stairs scratching his head.

  “No clue, man. I walked up here and they were rolling around like hyenas. I think they’ve completely lost it.” Jefferson waves his hands towards us, as if he doesn’t understand us, either.

  “I’m sorry. We’ll stop. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. We’ll stop.” Sitting up, I take a couple of deep breaths, trying to stop the pinching in my sides.

&n
bsp; “Firstly, you shouldn’t be lifting anything. Secondly, rolling on the floor can’t be good for you. Thirdly, it can’t be that funny.”

  “Holden, quit being so old. It was hilarious. Don’t be jealous of mine and Carsten’s secrets.” Taking off her shoe, Rebecca tosses it at Holden. He easily catches it and tosses it to Jefferson.

  “Right. I’ll get the cute one. You get the redhead.” He motions with his head to Jefferson before walking over to me and helping me off the floor.

  “You think I’m cute?”

  “Of course. I always have.” Holden kisses the top of my head, before spinning me around to face the stairs. “Can you find your way downstairs? Me and Jefferson will grab the boxes.”

  Nodding my head, I look over to Rebecca, who is still lying on the floor with her hands above her head, trying to catch her breath.

  “Yeah, you too, nutcase. Get downstairs. Don’t you have some boy to boss around down there?” Jefferson laughs, while trying to imitate her by standing with his hand on his hip and pointing his other finger in the air directing invisible people. I love the way he taunts her. He is the typical big brother. I laugh, but she doesn’t.

  Instead, Rebecca jumps up from the floor and punches Jefferson in the shoulder. Being the mature younger sister, she sticks her tongue out at him before grabbing my arm, pulling me behind her down the stairs. “You have to meet Mark. You’ll love him. He reminds me of you, but more like a guy.”

  “I’m not sure what to say to that.”

  “Just come on.”

  She leads me outside to where her dad and Mark are loading the back of a hunter green, full sized Dodge van. Mark sees us and gives us a nod of his head, as he tosses another box in the van. I hope whatever is in that box isn’t breakable. Rebecca must have the same thought as me because she starts lecturing him on how to properly handle boxes. I laugh and lean up against the van. The upside to still being sore is not having to fully participate. I watch as Mark and Rebecca argue back and forth. Eventually, she gives up with a laugh and bumps him with her hip. I have never seen her like this before. It is obvious she adores him.