by Amber Lacie
Rebecca runs back inside, so I take advantage of the situation and focus solely on Mark. He is not as tall as Holden, but he is probably close to six foot. He has short, spiked blonde hair and a perfectly square jaw. I can’t tell for sure, but it looks as though he has green eyes. His green-checkered shirt rolled to his elbows might be adding to that equation, though. I make a mental note to investigate him more later.
“Do you scrutinize everyone or just Rebecca’s boyfriends?” My cheeks turn red, knowing that I have been caught staring. Turning around, I come face to face with Rebecca’s mom.
“I guess it’s just her boyfriend. I want to see what she sees in him.”
“I see.” She wipes the sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand, while chewing on her cheek.
“Aren’t you curious?”
“No, I have met him several times. He seems sweet.”
Looking back over my shoulder at him, I wonder what it will be like when they live together. “They always seem sweet—” I bite my lip, regretting the words that I have chosen to say aloud.
“Carsten.” She reaches for me, but I pull away from her. I don’t want her pity.
“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry. I don’t know where my head is at today.”
“If you need to talk—”
Waving my hands in front of me, I take a few steps back, almost tripping over a tree root. “No. Really. I’m good. Thanks, though. I think Rebecca is calling me.”
Spinning quickly on my heel, I head back into the house to see what I could do to help. Jefferson and Holden finish loading the van, while Mark and Rebecca pack some groceries to take with. I just barely caught the end of the “We aren’t going to starve. There are stores in Indianapolis” argument. Apparently, Rebecca won.
*****
It takes almost two hours to get to their apartment. Holden and I have barely spoken the entire drive. He keeps fidgeting with the radio. I have also caught him trying to chew on the collar of his t-shirt, but when I looked over at him he pretended to adjust his seatbelt. Something is bothering him. I wish he would tell me, but then again who would want to unload their stress on someone as messed up as me.
We pull up outside a tall, red brick building. Mark waves us down and gives us directions to a parking lot behind the building. Holden parks in the first available spot we could find. His long fingers run through his hair and his mouth opens. I look at him hoping he will say something. Whatever it is. I can handle it. I contemplate telling him how I feel, but I guess my thoughts are better left unsaid.
Sighing, he opens his door, walks around the truck, and holds my door open for me. I step out expecting his hands to reach for me, but he doesn’t. We walk side by side around to the front of the apartment building. There is enough space between us to fit an entire person. I try to step closer to him, but he either steps away from me or quickens his stride. I have never felt so alone with him before. My palms begin to sweat. My heart beats frantically, as my nerves start to eat away at me. I am desperate for his touch.
Rebecca gives us an odd look, as we start to grab some of the boxes out of the van. The box I am carrying is light. I expect a reprimand from Holden, but he continues to ignore me. I follow Rebecca up to the second floor. She has the first apartment on the right of the stairwell. I scrunch my nose at the smell of cigarette smoke floating through the air.
“I know. It’s awful. Isn’t it? I say we set the boxes down over there and light some candles. We don’t smoke, but obviously, someone else on this floor does.” Pointing to an empty corner opposite from us, Rebecca leads me through the one-bedroom apartment. The small kitchen is directly to our right and opens into the living room. There is enough room for a small sofa and maybe a chair of some sort, but that is it.
“Maybe, or maybe someone below you. You never know.”
“So, what do you think? I’m thinking of decorating the bedroom in blues. Of course, I’ll have to use yellow in the kitchen, since there’s that ugly wallpaper with lemons, but I love it. It’s perfect. Don’t you think?”
“If you love it, then I love it.”
“I’m so excited. I have never lived on my own before. This is going to be great. No one nagging at me to do any chores, I can watch whatever I want on the television, and stay up as late as I want. Oh, and I can eat whatever I feel like. This is fantastic.”
I laugh, as I watch her spin around in the middle of the kitchen like some crazed loon. She stops mid-spin and rushes at me, wrapping her arms around me in a tight embrace. I wince from the pressure on my sides.
“Too tight.”
“Oh, God. I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think. Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I just want my ribs to heal before I break them again.” Rubbing my sides, I give her a half smile to let her know that I’m joking.
“Sorry…so…what’s up with you and Holden?”
“Nothing.”
“No, there’s definitely something. I noticed how awkward he was by you. He’s always touching you and you two couldn’t have been farther apart. What’s the deal?”
“I don’t know.” Shrugging my shoulders, I start opening cabinets and drawers. They are empty, but it gives me something to do.
“Can I ask you something without you getting offended?”
“I hate that question. You know you are going to ask me anyways. Why not just say, ‘Hey, Carsten, I’m going to say something totally insensitive and rude right now, but don’t hate me for it.’ Why build it up?”
“Fine. Carsten, I’m going to ask you something. Don’t hate me for it.” She closes the cabinet I am peering into. Sighing, I give her my full attention.
“Why didn’t you tell me what was going on? Why did you leave with him? Was he like this before?”
Tears sting my eyes, threatening to fall. I don’t want to do this. Not here, not now. I know she won’t accept my silence as an answer for long, so I slide down the bare white wall and pat the tan shag carpet beside me. She sits beside me and I rest my head on her shoulder. She links her fingers with mine and we sit in the quiet, holding hands for what feels like forever, but it is only a few minutes.
Mark walks in and drops a few more boxes in the corner. “Must be nice to sit down and relax.”
“Don’t tease. Not now. I need a few minutes with Carsten, so you and Holden need to stay out for a few minutes.”
“And where am I supposed to go? We are parked illegally out front. I need to finish unloading.”
“Just leave the doors to the van open and look busy if the police pull up. I need this.” Mark nods his head and shuts the door with a huff. “Men. They are so impatient.” She laughs to herself, as if it is a private joke and only she knows the punch line. “Now that he is gone, I want you to talk to me.”
“I didn’t tell anyone…I was too afraid. I don’t know why I left. I mean, I do, but I don’t. I wanted away from my dad. I wanted away from the pitiful stares, and the memory of my mom. Michael promised me the world. I thought he would at least keep most of his promise. I knew he had some anger issues, but I didn’t know how far he would go. I thought I could handle it.”
“And where does Holden come into all of this?”
“I don’t know. He just showed up suddenly. He saved me.” Wiping my nose with the back of my hand, I try to take steady breaths. “He loves me.”
“Sweetie, of course he does. He always has. I just don’t get why you couldn’t see what I saw sooner.”
“What’s that?”
“How much you love him. You guys are meant to be. It’s been forged on the scroll of fate and sealed with cupid’s kiss. If you love him even half as much as he loves you, then explain something to me. Why is he upset with you?”
“I don’t know. He saved me, Becca. He carried me out of the hospital in his arms. He carried me into his house. He holds me at night when I cry, and he has told me every day how much he loves me. He has made me laugh and feel so incredibly good. I know I don’t deserve any of it,
but I don’t want it to stop, either. I just want him.”
“So, tell him.”
“I can’t. What if it’s all in my head and I’m hoping for something that isn’t there? What if I hurt him? What if he hurts me? I’m not worthy of him. I’m not even worthy of getting my heart broken by him. Now, you know everything. I’m going for a walk.” I push myself up off the floor and head as quickly down the stairs as my feet will take me. I can hear Rebecca calling out my name, but I am not turning around. I step outside and walk the opposite way of the boys. I just need to be alone.
Chapter 13
Two blocks south and one block west. I make a mental note of the colors of the cars parked on the side of the streets, along with anything else standing out to me. I need to blow off some steam, but I don’t need to get lost. Two blocks north and one block east. I complete my square and walk back up towards the apartment. Mark and Holden are carrying a tall chest of drawers up the front steps, when Holden makes eye contact with me.
“You. Don’t you move. I’ll be right back.” Holden yells at me from the top step. He puts his foot inside the door and kicks it all the way open. “I mean it, Carsten. I need you to wait.”
“I can’t say no to you. I’ll be right here.” Waving him on, I watch him shift the chest in his arms. It looks incredibly heavy and awkward to carry. I find myself drawn to the way his body moves and strains as they walk through the front entrance. The door softly closes behind Mark, as they carry it up the stairs. My stomach flips like a fish thrashing on dry land, as I wait for him to come back out.
A few people pass by, staring at the illegally parked truck, but no one says anything. It is almost empty, besides two stray boxes in the back and a laundry basket full of decorator pillows. I will never understand the need for pillows no one is allowed to use. The same goes for dishes and towels used only for company. It all seems to be such a waste of space and money.
I am sitting in the back of the van with my feet dangling over the pavement, when I hear Holden’s voice. Jumping down, I peer around the open door on the van to see Mark and Holden in a one-arm embrace, accompanied by a pat on the back. I am almost certain it felt as awkward as it looked. Holden’s eyes meet mine, as he comes towards me. I step out from behind the door and immediately feel the magnetic pull to him. I love you. The words are there, but I won’t say them until I know for sure this is real.
“You left.”
“I did.”
“You’re hurt.”
“I am.” Shifting on my feet, I pull at the hem of my shirt. My body won’t still until he touches me. I am not just fighting my heart; I am fighting fate. Any logical person wouldn’t be fighting this kind of pull. But, I am not logical. I’m broken.
“By me?” The question, mixed with the sadness in his eyes, stings against my abrasive heart.
“No, by him.”
“You love me.”
“Yes.”
“But you can’t say it.”
“Not yet.”
“When?”
Anger from the last several years breaks the surface. I scream at him, while pushing him repeatedly with my hands on his chest. “I don’t know. When I’m not broken. When stiches aren’t holding me in place. When I’m not covering up the fading yellow bruises on my face with makeup. When I know for certain he’s gone. When I know for certain this is real.”
He doesn’t argue. He just stands there and takes my assault. The hate consuming me finally wins. My body crumples to the ground and I give in to the weight of the world. It crushes me. My body becomes weightless. Resting my head on soft cotton, a spiced citrus smell consumes my senses, completely calming me.
“I got you. Don’t worry. You’re my girl. I’ll always have you.” I don’t need the words. I know he has me. I am not mad at him. I am mad at myself. All of this is my doing, if I wasn’t so selfish, maybe I could’ve saved everyone from this heartache. My hands brush along the collar of his shirt. It is wet. He was worried about me again. I love you. I think it, but I don’t say it.
Holden sets me down in the passenger seat of the truck. He is taking us home. My seatbelt clicks at the same time his door closes. “What about Becca? I can’t just leave her.”
“I have already sorted everything out with her. Besides, Mark wants to christen all the rooms. I’m not staying there for that.”
“I could have gone on living without ever knowing that little piece of information.”
“If I must be tortured by it, then so do you.”
*****
Holden stops at a drive-thru and orders us some lunch. Without my asking, he orders me a large chocolate milkshake and a small fry. With a wink, he asks, “You still like to dip them. Don’t you?”
“Absolutely.” My smile curls upwards towards my eyes. Why is it he remembers all the little things? He hands the lady at the window the money and passes the food to me. I immediately pull the lid off of my shake, grab a fry from the bag, and dig in.
“Hey. Where’s my food?”
“In here.” With a mouth full of food, I hold up the bag. He laughs and reaches into grab one of the burgers. Curling my long legs into my seat, I lean sideways against the seat and watch him. Everything he does, the things he says, the way I feel around him, it just feels like a dream. I am so afraid of waking up.
During the drive home, we talk as though I never left. He makes incredibly stupid jokes, which I find hilarious. We make up stories about the people in the cars we pass. We encountered a queen who was completely unaware of her royalty, a waiter who worked for the government on secret spy missions, and time travelers who used flowers for gasoline. The last one was my favorite. Holden did his best to impersonate them with a horrible British accent. It was awful. I suggested that he write an apology to all of England. He swears it wasn’t that bad, but then again, he thinks he is a good singer.
Looking at this man beside me, I know that I am where I am supposed to be. I just need to heal a little more before I dive in head first. Holden turned twenty in June. I turned twenty-one in August. Most people would think we are too young to know what the world looks like, but I have seen the darkness. Holden isn’t the evil they warn you about. He is the good in the world. He is the sun on a cloudy day, the summer breeze tickling your face. He is the good in me.
“I don’t know what you’re thinking of, but I wish it was me.” Holden pulls me from my daydream.
Sitting up, I rub my hands over my face. “What?”
“You’re smiling. Whatever you are thinking about is making you smile and I wish it was me.”
“Oh.” It is you. I keep my thoughts to myself, as the familiar scenery passes by my window.
*****
His house comes into view. His dad’s squad car is parked out front next to his mom’s red sedan. Holden looks over at me and squeezes my hand. Turning the key off, he gives me a wink with a devilish grin. He is up to something and I want in on it.
“Come on. I’m sure mom has made dinner. We always eat early on Saturdays. I know we just ate, so we don’t have to eat, but we should probably say “hi”. Dad accused me of hiding you from him earlier. I guess they love you, too.”
Stepping out of the truck, I inhale the autumn breeze. Halloween is in three weeks. I can’t wait to dress up with him like we used to. As I get closer to the house, the smell of nutmeg tickles my nose. “That smells so good.”
“I know. I bet she made pie.” Holden’s face lights up and he leaps up the porch stairs, bounding into the house like a crazed lunatic. Laughing, I follow him inside. His mom is in the kitchen pulling something out of the oven. Before I even get a glimpse at what she is holding, Holden spins around fist pumping the air. “Yes. Pumpkin Pie. I knew it.”
“It’s just one of the benefits from living at home, Holden.” Carol sets the pie on the stove to cool and turns to face him. She raises her eyebrow for a split second, before she sees me standing behind him. I am not sure what is going on, but it is obvious I don’t belong i
n this conversation.
Holden is standing perfectly straight with his hands balled into fists at his side. He clenches his jaw, never moving his eyes from her. “Don’t.”
“You don’t get to dictate my choice of words. I was simply reminding you of the benefits of living here. I know you think you own the world, but you don’t. Hell, I’m forty-six and I have yet to even get an idea of how to conquer it.”
“Mom.”
“No, Holden, you let me finish. I know you feel like Hercules because you saved her. I know you’ve been in love for most of your life, but she was hurt Holden. I don’t want you making rash decisions because your vision is clouded with lust and infatuation.”
My eyes flick from Carol back to Holden. I have no clue what they are talking about, yet I have a serious inclination I am involved. “I’m just…kind of tired so…I’m just going to go lay down.” Slowly backing out of the kitchen, I step into the living room. “The pie smells great, Carol.” The pie smells great, Carol. What the hell was I thinking? Mentally chastising myself, I head down the stairs and crash onto Holden’s bed.
I can’t hear what Carol is saying, but Holden’s voice carries down the stairs and over to where I am laying with perfect clarity. “You didn’t have to say that in front of her. I haven’t even talked to her about it, yet. You’re so worried about yourself you can’t even see how broken she is. She can’t heal here. I can’t fix her here.”
Not wanting to hear anything else that is said, I turn on my side, curl into a ball, and hold his pillow to my chest. I focus on his scent, still lingering on the sheets and count my breaths. The sound of feet rushing down the stairs lets me know that I am not alone anymore.
I can hear him pacing behind me with angry breaths. “Fuck!” His voice bellows around me. My body jumps from the sound. I pull his pillow tighter to me, clutching onto it for safety. I am not afraid of Holden. It is just that I have never seen him like this before.