Breathe

by Amber Lacie

  “Get a hold of yourself, woman. How could you do any of that wrong? It’s not like you haven’t done it before.”

  “True, but it wasn’t with Holden. My past experiences weren’t all that fantastic for me. He just kind of did his thing and I would let him.”

  Rebecca jumps down from the counter and wraps her arms around me, squeezing me way too tight. She stands back and grasps my shoulders. “I’m going to try really hard and pretend you didn’t just say that. Carsten, do you love him?”

  I look out from the kitchen into the living room, over the half wall separating the two rooms. Holden and Mark are sitting in patio chairs on the small balcony. I don’t know what they are talking about and I don’t care. My heart is happy just watching Holden smile and laugh with his friend. “Yeah. I do. I have always loved him. Sometimes, I love him so much it hurts.”

  “Then why are you punishing yourself? Why are you punishing him?”

  “I’m not trying to.”

  “Sweetie, I know, but you are. Listen to me. It doesn’t matter how you two got here. What matters is you guys being together right now in this moment. Don’t let some asshole from your past cast shadows over what you have with Holden. It’s not fair to Holden and you know it. Have you told him you love him, yet?”

  “No, not like I should.”

  “Then do it. He has waited for you his entire life. Don’t make him wait any longer.”

  She walks out of the kitchen, leaving me to dwell on my thoughts.

  Moving in with him was never going to be a choice. I go where he goes. Stepping into the living room, I look around our apartment. Despite being the top floor of a house, our place is perfect. The TV is set up on old milk crates stacked to resemble shelves. His parents gave us an old couch they had set out in the barn. I had to vacuum it to get all the dust off, but other than that, it is a very cute, light blue sofa. His bed is set up in the bedroom. There is no headboard or footboard, but we have light purple decorative pillows with flowers embroidered on them leaning against the wall. Holden wasn’t thrilled with the idea of a purple comforter set, but I found out if I pout just a bit, he can’t say no.

  I can hear Holden’s laughter through the sliding glass doors. It is a rather warm night, considering its November. Walking over to the door, I tap on the glass, motioning towards the bedroom to let him know that I am headed to bed. He gives me a wink and mouths ‘I love you’ through the glass. Putting my palm against my chest, I smile and head to bed. The last time Rebecca and Mark stayed over, those three were up until sunrise. There is no way I would be able to stay up that late.

  Walking into our bedroom, I flick on the lights and grab one of Holden’s t-shirts out of the closet. I slip out of my jeans, into his shirt, and into bed. Pulling his pillow closer to me, so I can smell him, I drift off to sleep. My dreams are filled with memories of Holden and I when we were little, but as they take life they begin to change.

  *****

  I’m standing outside of a white house, in a light blue dress. There is a little boy with messy brown hair running around me, as I sweep off the porch. At first, I think it is Holden, but I don’t recognize his face. Strong arms wrap around my waist, a kiss is placed against my shoulder, and I melt into the person holding me.

  “I love you, Carsten.”

  “I love you too, Holden.”

  The little boy runs at us screaming, “Daddy, daddy.” His arms are stretched above his head, waiting to be picked up. Holden sweeps him off of his feet and carries him into the grass to play. My heart spins wildly at the thought of us being together like this.

  *****

  Opening my eyes, I find brown ones looking down at me. His mouth is parted slightly. I am so close to pulling his lips towards mine, but once again I lack the courage. “What time is it?”

  “Just after ten. Are you going to sleep all day? I know it’s Sunday, but I didn’t know what your exact plans were.” Brushing his nose against mine, he presses a kiss to my forehead.

  My lips curl into a smile. Waking up to him is the best part of my day. “I don’t have plans for today. I should probably get up to say goodbye to Rebecca.”

  Holden sits up, and runs his fingers through his twisted locks. He is in desperate need for a haircut, but I kind of like the way his hair falls just past his eyes. Giving me a half smile, he pats my leg. “They already left. Mark went to bed right after you did. He has a conference meeting today.”

  “He has to work on a Sunday?”

  “I guess, it’s all part of working for a larger law firm.”

  “Well, that just sucks. I wanted to say goodbye.”

  Holden stands and pulls the curtains open, letting in golden rays of light. “You can do it next time we see them. It’s not like they live far away.”

  “True.” I cross my arms over my face, while trying to block the sun.

  “The sun is up. Go take a shower, while I make you some coffee. It’s supposed to be sixty today. Since its warm, I thought we could go for a walk or something.”

  “If it’s supposed to be sixty, how warm is it now?”

  “Just warm enough where I can’t see my breath.”

  “Holden, that’s not warm. That’s cold. I’m staying in bed.” Grabbing the blanket, I pull it over my head, only to have it yanked back down just as quickly.

  “Shower.”

  This man is so frustrating. He knows my weakness and is exploiting it right now. One day I will be able to tell him no and stick with it. Today is not that day. I pull a pair of jeans and a dark red sweater out of the closet. I toss them, along with a towel onto the small bathroom floor. Small is an understatement. There is a shower, a pedestal sink, a toilet, and one small cabinet with two lights hanging above the sink. I would give anything for a tub. A long, hot bath sounds way more relaxing than a shower.

  During my shower, I practice my karaoke. I am not a great singer, but I am better than Holden. I am mid song, when I hear the bathroom door open. Spinning quickly, I turn my back towards the frosted glass doors. I am hoping there is enough steam, so he doesn’t see me.

  “I have decided now is the perfect time to talk to you about some issues I have been having.”

  “Now? I’m in the shower. Get out.”

  “No. This is the perfect way for me to talk to you without you being able to run away or hide from me.”

  “Holden, please, I’m naked.” My voice shakes and I turn the temperature of the water up, not only to keep me from freezing, but hopefully to sweat him out.

  “I know. That’s why you can’t run.”

  “Fine. I’m cornered now. What are your issues?”

  “Help me understand something. How is it you can tell me you love me in your sleep, but when you’re awake you can’t?”

  Thump. Thump. My heart is banging in my chest. Did I really do that? My back is still facing the glass. I could turn around and grab a towel, completely ignoring him, but then he would see me naked. I am not sure which is more embarrassing, being caught in the nude or admitting my feelings towards him in my sleep.

  “I know you, Carsten. I know right now you are debating whether to run or stay in the shower, hoping I give up before the water gets cold. Well, my love, neither are an option.”

  “What do you mean?” I am so nervous that my body has gone still under the hot water. I can hear him moving behind me, but without turning around I am not sure what he is doing. My stomach is flipping around like a gymnast competing for the Olympics. The door slides open behind me. A gust of cold air hits my skin, causing me to jump towards the corner of the shower. Looking down, I can see his bare feet behind me. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.

  “Look at me.”

  I shake my head ‘no’. There is no way that I am turning around. I jump when his hands gently grab my waist, spinning me around to face him. My arms instantly fly across my body, trying their best to cover my most intimate parts. I squeeze my eyes tightly, trying to avoid seeing what I know is a very naked
Holden in the shower with me.

  “Open your eyes and look at me.”

  Swallowing, I slowly open my eyes. A rush of air escapes my lungs. Never in my life have I ever seen anything sexier than what is right before my eyes. Holden is standing with his shoulder turned towards the stream of water, beating against his skin. Water droplets slide down his body, wetting every inch of it as they go. My eyes trace the outline of his toned abdomen until I find the trail of hair just below his navel. I try not to focus too much on what is below the trail, but I can’t help it. Holden is standing completely nude in front of me and he is fucking hot as hell.

  “Now that I have your attention, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest with me. Don’t think about it. I want your instant reaction.”

  “Um, you’re naked…with me…in the shower.”

  “I am. Now, are you ready to answer my question?” He takes a step towards me. The water cascades over his back, wetting a few locks of hair. His hands run through the matted mess, slicking it back out of his face. His perfectly square jaw, with his perfectly sexy stubble is locked into place, waiting on me for an answer.

  I know the answer I want to give to him isn’t going to go over well. Waving the white flag, I say, “Yes.”

  His hands gently pull my hips closer to him. My arms move from their guarding position to around his neck. My breasts press up against his firm chest, and I look deep into his lust filled eyes. His tongue darts out across his lips, licking off the droplets of water falling around us. “Carsten. Do you love me?”

  Knowing he wants my immediate reaction, I give it to him. “Yes.”

  “Say it.”

  My hand snakes up the back of his head, twisting into his hair. Pushing myself up on my toes, I reach for his lips. “I love you.”

  No words are said. His lips crash into mine. Our mouths part, letting our tongues delve deep, twisting with excitement. Our hands are sliding over our bodies, pulling at each other, leaving no space between us. My back presses up against the shower wall, as he leans into me, still exploring my mouth. His fingers travel up my side and around my breast, twisting my already pebbled nipple. A soft moan escapes my lips, which only encourages him more.

  He grabs onto one of the shelves behind me, soap bottles crash to the floor, but neither of us care. Lifting my leg, he wraps it around his waist. I can feel how hard and rigid he is. He rubs his cock against my slick folds. My back arches in response and I start to slip down the wall. He catches me, and braces himself with both arms on the shelves behind me.

  “I fucking love you so much, Carsten. We should be in a bed, or anywhere else, but I can’t wait. Keep your arms around my neck. This way if we fall at least we’ll fall together.”

  My fingers lock behind his neck, as his cock slides into me, stretching me, filling me. This must be why people call it making love. I have never felt anything remotely close to this before. Sparks ignite between us, as our wet bodies cling to each other. My foot slips and my hip bumps into the shower walls, knocking more stuff down around us.

  My breaths are hard and fast against his shoulder, as I drop my head. I feel like I am on the edge of something. I try to hold on to see what it is, but I lose control when I hear him moan. Oh, my fucking God. That has to be the sexiest sound that I have ever heard. Holden loses himself in me, taking me with him. Slowly dropping my leg to the floor, he steadies us against the wall.

  “Supernovas?” I ask wondering if this is what he meant.

  “Exploding supernovas.” Burying his head in my neck, he places a soft kiss on my shoulder. “We should get out.” His hands never fully leave my waist, as he reaches over and turns off the water. He slides the shower door open, allowing the steam to escape, taking the warmth with it. Grabbing a towel, he begins to dry my face and shoulders. My hand brushes against his and I take over. I wring as much water as I can out of my long hair and wrap the towel around me.

  Holden grabs another towel and wraps it around his waist. He doesn’t take the time to dry off his shoulders, chest, or back. Instead, he walks out of the bathroom and into the bedroom with water droplets slowly rolling off of him. I wonder what he would taste like if I was to lick one off of him right now. I slip into a pair of his boxers and one of his t-shirts. Combing my hair, I watch him drop his towel and walk over to the dresser completely nude. His thighs and ass are so well-defined, even Michelangelo would be inspired.

  I pull my hair back into a braid and crawl underneath the covers of our bed. There is no way that I’m going for a walk now. I feel completely exhausted. It is a great feeling. Holden pulls on some sweats, slides in behind me, and pulls my body against his. The smell of sex and soap mix around us. I press myself against him, not wanting any space between us. His lips find my shoulder, then my neck, and then the spot just under my ears, which makes my toes curl.

  “I love you so much. Thank you for saying it back.”

  “I have always loved you.”

  “I know, but this is the first time you said it and I could feel it.” His smile presses against my skin. Scooting back, his hands softly grab my shoulders rolling me onto my back. “I want you again. I want you all the time. Fuck, you’re so damn hot and now you are mine.”

  “I thought I was yours before.”

  “You were, but now it’s official.” His hands run down my legs, adjusting the fabric of the shorts I am wearing, so he can slide his fingers into me. My body rocks into them, as he curls them, hitting a spot I never knew existed and had only heard rumors of. Closing my eyes, I rock back against him again. His mouth covers one of my nipples through the shirt. The wet material pulls and scrapes against me. “Why did we put clothes on?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Neither do I.”

  “They have to go.” He pulls at my shorts and then my shirt. I toss them onto the floor, as I try my best to slide his sweats off. His foot gets stuck, so he kicks at them wildly until he frees his leg. I giggle and he catches my bottom lip between his teeth. “Something funny?”

  “Nope.” I clamp down on my top lip to keep my laughs from escaping. His lips meet mine, and once again we lose ourselves completely. Being loved liked this is such an amazing feeling. I hope that I never get used to it.

  Chapter 16

  “Wake up.” Holden’s voice pulls me from my sleep. “Come on, Sleeping Beauty. Wake up.”

  “No. I want to stay with you all day.” I pull the covers up to my neck, huddling in the warmth of the bed.

  “You can’t. We stayed in bed all day yesterday.”

  “That’s not true, you made me get up to eat dinner.”

  “My apologies, I won’t feed you anymore.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  Holden laughs, as he pulls the covers down, exposing me to the cold. I quickly curl into a ball, pulling my t-shirt over my knees. I try to ignore him, but he doesn’t give up. “That’s not going to work.”

  “Holden, do you love me?”

  “You know I do.”

  “Then come back to bed with me.”

  “You don’t know how happy it makes me to hear you say that, but my answer is still no. I thought you wanted to register for spring classes and visit the art studio in town.”

  Crap. He is going to win this round. I really do want to check out the art studio. “Fine. I’ll get up, but I want you to note that I was willing to stay with you all day under the sheets. When you miss me later, and you will, just know that it’s your fault.”

  “Noted.”

  Sitting up, I slowly lower my feet to the soft, cream carpet. Holden stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I sigh, feeling content in his arms. His nose runs along my neck.

  “Holden, did you just smell me?”

  “I did. You smell like me. I like it.”

  Of course, he does. Rolling my eyes, I slip from his grip and grab some clothes, before heading for the bathroom. I laugh as I slide open the shower door. The bottles of shampoos an
d soaps are still lying in the bottom. Picking them up, I step in and turn the shower on. The hot water scorches my skin. It feels incredible.

  After staying in the shower for much longer than I should have, I finally step out and wrap a towel around my waist. I grab another towel and twist my hair up into it. The mirror above the sink is completely steamed over. My heart flips a little when I notice the letters H and C written inside a heart. I press my finger against the mirror and write ‘I love you, too’ next to our initials.

  This is what love feels like. A day hasn’t gone by, when I haven’t regretted leaving for Lafayette. If I were given the choice to do it all over again, this time I would choose Holden. Michael wouldn’t even be a blip in the grand scheme of life. He wouldn’t exist for me.

  I finish getting ready for the day. I can’t find my lip-gloss. I step out of the bathroom to see if I left it on the dresser, when the smell of freshly made coffee pulls me from the room. Lip-gloss be damned. I need my caffeine.

  Holden is sitting at the table in an unbuttoned, blue flannel shirt. His white undershirt is taught against his chest. Taking a bite of his cereal, he looks up at me with milk dribbling down his chin. “Morning.”

  “That’s charming. Need a napkin?”

  He wipes his mouth on his sleeve and smiles. It reaches his ears, exposing his beautifully crooked, mischievous smile. “Nope. I’m good. I made coffee.”

  “I could smell it in the bedroom. Thank you.” Grabbing a clean mug from the cabinet, I make myself a cup of coffee. I am so tired that I drink it black. There is no reason to drown out the taste.

  “What time do you want to hit the art studio, before or after registration?” Holden looks from his watch to me and back to his watch.

  “I was thinking after.”

  “Alright. We’ll take my truck. Grab a jacket and we can go.”

  “What about you? Don’t you need a jacket?”

  “Nope. I have this.” He pulls at his flannel, as if it is all he needs to shield him from the forty-degree temperatures outside.