by Jayce, Aven
“Hi Dad.”
“SOPHIA ELIZABETH JAMESON!” he roars, his fist pounds onto something hard, most likely his desk, as he hollers into the phone. “WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?”
Fuck.
“What do you mean, Dad?”
“Don’t play games with me. I just spent over an hour on the phone with the owner of Giorgio’s, trying to smooth things out and explain your activities in the parking garage last night. Did you know that the owner is one of my business partners? I bet not. And did you know that the man you were with is his nephew? What were you thinking? This is one big fucking mess that I don’t have time for!” he shouts, in a scolding tone. “Do you think I want to spend the morning in my office, watching a video of my daughter screwing some guy in the back seat of a Hummer?”
“Oh my God. Dad, I’m so sorry,” I whisper, my words slow and hushed, reflecting true sadness. I can’t think of anything else to say to him. I sit down at the dining room table, place my head down, and rest it against my free hand. “I’m so sorry, Dad.”
“Sophia, listen to me, and listen very closely. By this time I’m sure you’ve talked to Mera and you probably know more about me than I’d like you to, so I’m going to tell you something about the video of you that I watched. These videos can easily be used on one of my online sites. The owner saw the video and recognized you from my table last night. He called me, first believing that I was using his property for…” he hesitates, thinking about the correct words to use. “For my business. He caught you on his garage camera, but he assumed that we were producing something without his knowledge. He thought I was cheating him out of a profit by using his property free of charge. Then, I had to explain to him that it wasn’t arranged, and that he couldn’t use the video from his cameras to make any money on his own. If he hadn’t recognized you from the restaurant and called me, your little escapade in the back of that Hummer would be online right now.”
“Dad, I…”
“No, I’m not finished. Didn’t you think that someone might walk by and see you? You saw what kinds of cars were parked in that lot; you must know that a place like that has cameras on every corner. God, Sophia, not to mention the fact that something could have happened to you. Something terrible. Did you even know him?”
“I…”
“Don’t answer that, I don’t even want to hear your response. I’m so pissed right now. Just listen to me. What if he beat you up, or worse? I can’t imagine what I would do if I got a phone call from some officer telling me my daughter was dead. Does that scare you?”
I’m speechless. I’ve never heard my father this disappointed and angry with anyone in my life.
“Are you listening to me? Is all of this sinking in right now?”
“Yes,” I say in a soft voice. “I’m sorry.”
“Have you been discussing these issues with Devery? Does she know about all of this?”
“Yes. I have to go to a new therapy group for it. We talk about it a lot.”
“I thought you were discussing your childhood and your mother with her.”
“We are. We do. But other things come up and we work on those things too.”
“My God Sophia, is this my fault? Did I do something wrong?”
My father’s a smart man, and I know that once he calms down and thinks everything through, he’ll realize this has nothing to do with him. I stay quiet, listening to his anger slowly wane.
“After seeing the first part of that footage, I turned it off, but I need to know if you were careful or not. Please tell me that you protected yourself.”
“Yes. He had something.”
He exhales the words, “Thank God,” and asks me if I’ve done this before. My silence answers his question as we listen to one another take deep breaths for what seems like a long five minutes. Finally he breaks the silence; changing his tone to a softer, more compassionate voice.
“I think we should discuss my evening with Mera. I made a mistake, Sophia. I’m not proud of what I asked of her.”
“I don’t know the details, Dad, and I don’t want to know. To be completely honest with you, I feel sick to my stomach right now. I need some time to digest everything that we just talked about.”
“We need to talk about this so that it doesn’t come between us, and I don’t want it coming between you and Mera either. I know she has taken a liking to me, but I want you to know that I respect the relationship the two of you have. I also wouldn’t want to damage what we have. I’ve been through hell and back trying to repair my relationship with my children, and that’s the most important thing to me right now. I’ve known that for a long time, but it hit me hard last night. I took our relationship for granted, only thinking about money instead of my family. I slipped, and I’m sorry. It happens to me sometimes. Money is a powerful thing.”
“Dad, why didn’t you tell me that you dealt in adult films?”
“Business is business, whether you’re selling sneakers, manufacturing appliances, or creating porn.”
“I have to disagree with you on that one. People involved in porn always seem seedy and corrupt to me. It saddens me that you’re associated with those low lives.”
“This industry is what each owner makes of it. I have a quality product, and I pay well. I never ask anyone to do anything on my sites that they’re not comfortable with, and it’s mandatory these days that each person is tested and clean. My staff wouldn’t be with me if they weren’t happy with their jobs. Also, my clientele are sophisticated people, and I’ve made sure that they get what they want. My business is classy, it’s sexy, and it makes people happy.”
“So why do you need Mera’s help? It sounds like you have everything you need.”
“Like any business, I have to have the best product to beat out the competition. Mera is a beautiful young woman with a perfect body. She could be the next big thing, and if the two of you didn’t know one another, she’d be working for me right now. I can offer her more in one month, then she makes in an entire year.”
“And you expected her to move to Vegas and work for you?”
“No. I have people working for me in many cities, including St. Louis. Videos from those cities pour into my main office, my staff watches, edits, and posts them on one of my many online sites. I have some DVD’s still being sold in stores, and most of those full-length movies are made here, but they’re not in high demand. I have to keep up with the changing world by finding gorgeous, fresh, new talent, and by making sure everything is created using the latest technology. My online sites are the money makers, especially my live cams.”
“Alright, that’s enough information about your day job. So tell me. You do own casinos out there, right?”
“Yes. All of that is true.”
I suck in a deep breath, feeling slightly better about the situation with Mera. “Do you have any other secrets I should know about?”
My father lets out a chuckle and I can feel a smile radiating from his end. “Sophia, our entire lives are filled with secrets, but no, you don’t need to know about any of them.”
“That’s not very comforting, Dad.”
“How about you? Do you have any other secrets I should know about? I can only imagine after seeing that video that my little girl isn’t as innocent as I once thought.”
“Touché, Dad.”
I flop onto the couch next to Lewis after ending the call. I’m exhausted and it’s only eight o’clock in the morning.
“Lewis, we either need more coffee, or a nap. What’s it going to be little guy?” I yawn and cuddle next to him. Nap.
***
Oh, fuck me. No, fuck him. I turn and look at Mera who seems oblivious to the fact that he’s sitting there on the far side of the room; his head tilted down, preoccupied with a novel. I’ve never seen him even touch a book before today.
“Oh, Sophia, just ignore him,” she sighs.
“Easy for you to say. He’s not here to watch over you.”
He looks
up for a brief moment, nods his head, and then returns to his reading. I try to hide my anger and frustration; the audacity he has to show up here today. Mera takes a seat across the room from him, and I amble over to the check-in area. My shoulders are slouched and I’m aware that being pregnant has made me an emotional wreck.
There’s an older woman behind the counter who looks up as I approach her. She wears a sweater that has the classic “I made this myself” look, and her hair is pulled back into a bun. I wonder if she’s a mother, or at this stage in her life, a grandmother. She smiles as I reach the desk.
“May I help you?” she asks.
“Yes, I have an appointment at noon.”
“Name?”
“Sophia Jameson,” I stutter.
“And what are we seeing you for today, Sophia?”
Well, some idiot guy knocked me up because he didn’t pull out in time, and even though I really want to have a kid, I’m just a dumb-ass college student with no job and no life goals. A kid would bring me down, and put an end to my partying lifestyle that I’ve grown to enjoy. I’d probably ignore the thing if I had it. I mean; I can’t see me winning any awards for raising a child.
“Miss Jameson?”
“I’m here for an abortion,” I whisper.
She’s still smiling as she hands me some forms to fill out. I walk over to Mera and take the seat next to her.
“What happened over there? Did you zone out?”
“Yeah, just thinking about my life.”
“Well, don’t.”
“Look, Mera…do you think I’m doing the right thing? I mean, even though I don’t want a kid that doesn’t mean I should just trash it.”
“God you sound so nonchalant about the situation. My answer is yes; you’re doing the right thing. Nine months being pregnant and going through labor doesn’t sound like a good way to spend your second year of college. Plus, knowing you, you’d become attached to the baby, keep it, then you’d drop out of school, or worse, ask your dad for a nanny to care for it. I don’t even think you want your father to find out about this.
“Never mind. I forgot about my father.” I haven’t thought about him for the past couple of days while I was trying to figure all of this out. We’re in the middle of getting to know each other again and he’s only been back in my life for two years. I wonder if he’ll call me today, and what I’ll say I’ve been doing this week. I guess if he found out I was at this clinic he’d want to know a lot more than what’s been going on just over the past week. It’s better he doesn’t know the situation I’ve gotten myself into. He would definitely be hurt.
“Do you know anything about this Rh status question on the form?” I ask.
She reads the question and shrugs. I place a question mark in the box and continue filling out the paperwork. Peering up, I notice that he’s still reading across from us. From where I’m sitting, the cover looks like some type of horror novel, but I can’t make out the title. Fitting for him. He can be quite terrifying at times. I’m doing the right thing. If this child turned out anything like him, I’d be living with yet another abusive person, only this time it would be for life, or at least until the kid was twenty-one and through college.
I finish filling out the pile of forms, handing them back to the woman at the check-in.
“I don’t know what the Rh positive or negative information is all about.”
She glances over everything, still smiling, and explains to me that if I’m Rh negative I will need to get a shot, and it will cost me an extra fifty dollars.
“It’s a protective injection, my dear. You’ll find out about it when the nurse takes your blood.”
“If I’m Rh negative will I have to pay the money today?”
“Actually, yes. You have to pay for everything now, including the injection. If we find out that you don’t need the shot, then we’ll send you a refund in about a week.”
I say nothing.
“Miss Jameson, will that be cash or check?”
“Cash,” I mumble.
***
“Ma’am, you didn’t answer me. Is anyone with you who you feel threatened by, or who brought you here against your will?”
The nurse is a heavy-set African American woman with a southern accent. She’s pretty, with beautiful full lips that are caked in the darkest red lipstick I’ve ever seen.
“No,” I finally respond. Although, I do feel threatened by the fact that he showed up and hasn’t said a word to me. He just sat in the waiting room for a good hour, along with Mera and myself.
“Ma’am, are you okay?” she asks in a calm voice.
“Yes, I’m fine. Nervous, but fine.”
“Oh that’s normal, sweetie. I’m just asking because you didn’t answer my question. How far along are you?”
“Oh sorry, I’m eleven weeks.”
“I’ll have to do a sonogram to check the placement.”
The room is cold, but the nurse places a warm blanket on top of me, and for a moment I feel consoled, something I haven’t experienced in years.
I’m quickly thrown back into reality when I hear a faint word come out of the nurse’s mouth – twins.
“What?”
“Nothing sweetie, try to take it easy. You’ll be out of here soon enough.”
Twins will change things. That’s a sign that I shouldn’t be doing this. Did she really say that? Her voice was so soft. Maybe I should ask her. Would she say it again? Crap. What if she thinks I’m hearing things and she tells the doctor I’m crazy? What if they put me away and no one knows where I am or what happened to me? Why am I so paranoid? What the fuck?
Those damn pills they gave me must be kicking in. I was nervous about taking them because I’m far more sensitive to medications than any other person in this world. Half a pill would’ve been enough. The nurse explained that the pills would only relax me, and that I shouldn’t worry. I took both pills, full dose, and now I’m going to pay. What were they? One was blue and the other white. I feel completely paranoid.
“I feel completely paranoid.” How many times have I just repeated that? I feel completely… where am I now? I’m in some dark waiting room. I’m sitting in a chair against the back wall and there are at least fifteen women in this room. They all have their heads down, or they’re looking at a television on the other side of the room. God dammit, why did I take those pills? I can’t remember the time zone I’m in. I’m staring down at the floor now. I’m tired, my body feels heavy, but my mind is racing. Twins. I know she said twins. Now I can’t speak. My mouth feels like it’s full of peanut butter and it’s stuck shut. I’ll feel better. Just give me five minutes and I’ll be able to stand and speak again.
“Sophia Jameson?”
I turn my head and smile. Why the fuck am I smiling? I think they slipped me some acid. Damn I’m so fucked up and paranoid. I stand, lose my balance, stumble, catch myself against the wall, stand straight up, and walk over to the nurse. She takes my arm and we walk into a room.
My pants are off and the doctor is in the room. He says I need to relax. He asks me if I’m okay, then tells me to relax again. I feel my abdomen balloon out, and he dilates me. It’s loud and I have no idea what’s happening. The noise sounds like a high-powered vacuum. They had explained everything to me, but now I’m drugged and completely lost. The pain hits hard and I finally understand why the clinic made me take the drugs. It’s not to ease the pain; it’s to paralyze me so I can’t punch the doctor in the face. I can feel everything, but I can’t speak or move. He stops and the loud noise stops. He asks me if I’m okay. My eyes are still closed and I say nothing. He walks out and the nurse tells me I can get dressed. She leaves, and I’m alone.
***
“What’s that?” I mumble. Lewis is still fast asleep next to me, ignoring the noise. Raising my head, I see the phone on the table next to us, jerking around on the smooth surface as it rings.
The screen reads eleven, and I don’t recognize the incoming number. I
t may be Mera using her office phone, or my father doing the same.
“Hello?”
“Sophia,” my name spoken with a roar that shoots through my head in a harsh and unloving voice. It’s her, the devil in disguise. I lean against the back of the couch with my feet on the floor, being careful not to wake the cat.
“What do you want, Mother?” I snarl.
There’s a pause before she speaks. I wait, watching Lewis’s feet twitch, as he’s most likely in a deep sleep.
My mother and I aren’t on good terms, and I suppose that’s not a recent development. We’ve never really clicked or could tolerate being in the same room together for very long. Our previous encounter, which was last Thanksgiving, turned ugly with me having to leave the holiday meal to stay in a hotel. My brother drove me, and announced that our mother needs to be able to speak freely to us, and if that means a constant criticism of our lives, so be it. I disagreed. At the time, she told me that she wished that I had turned out prettier, and that I’d always been a stupid, worthless kid, among other things. She has such wonderful parenting skills.
She sighs, and I continue to listen for something to come out of her mouth. She also has a knack for making people feel like they’ve somehow wronged her, as if she’s the victim no matter what. Her sigh is a signal that she believes I should be falling all over her right now, so happy that she has called. She’s waiting for an apology. Actually, I’m tired of being the adult all the time while she acts like the child.
“Mother?” I say in a stern voice. “What would like to speak to me about?”
“Don’t you love me, Sophia?”
“God. What kind of a question is that?”
“Well, you know, you’re supposed to love your Mommy.”
Oh my God, the woman has completely lost her shit. Mommy? She’s using that trick on me? A sweet endearing term like that one will never apply to her.
“Do you love your children?” I respond in a firm tone.
“I love one of them. I don’t know about you though. You have problems, lots of problems. I think you should come home and live with me. You can work as a waitress and maybe you’ll meet someone, then I can have more grandchildren.”