After a moment, TONY enters. He is dressed like an average student.
TONY
Hello, Gran.
HESTER
(Slight start before turning, flower in hand) Hello, my darling. I didn’t hear you come in.
TONY
(Crossing to kiss her) Don’t tell me you’re growing deaf in your old age!
HESTER
(Her tone matching his in affection) When I get to my old age there’s no knowing what I may tell you. But for the present, Tony, I shall simply tell you this: I had my thoughts on loftier things than doorbells. You’re early, aren’t you?
TONY
Tutorial cancelled. The bloke’s supposed to be ill but I reckon—this week—he wanted to have off all of Friday afternoon, instead of merely half.
He starts to wander round the room, communicating—to the audience—the feeling of tension he is doing his utmost to suppress.
TONY
(Cont.) You know one of the things I always like about this flat? That it stays true to the memories of my childhood. The curtains, pictures, ornaments. Even those cracks on the ceiling.
HESTER
Is that your subtle way, Master Anthony Max Drapkin, of telling me it requires doing up?…If so, you’re probably right.
TONY
No, I swear it. I just like the way it never changes.
HESTER
And so do I. We often seem to think alike. No wonder you’re so wise.
TONY
Clearly, I was born lucky.
HESTER
(More serious for a moment) Oh, you were, darling! You were! If only I could have had the chances you have! To be at London University. Any university…I tell you, Tony, there’d have been no holding me. I’d have been an even more brilliant woman than the one you see before you now—arranging flowers. (Standing back a little.) And arranging them, I think, not very well.
TONY
They look all right to me.
HESTER
Thank you. To recoup your energies, after such fulsome admiration, hadn’t you better take a chocolate?
TONY
The cinnamon balls look good.
HESTER
Well, only one. I made them for our tea. It would be a shame if you had nothing left to look forward to.
TONY
Oh, I think I could handle it. So in that case may I take two?
HESTER
No.
TONY
Okay. Only testing.
HESTER
(Finally leaving flowers) Anyhow, they’ll have to do. Next time round I’ll be a politician. Or a doctor. Or a philosopher. I have no yen to be a florist.
TONY
Next time round I’ll be a millionaire.
HESTER
It saddens me to find you have no standards.
TONY
So, obviously, we don’t always think alike.
HESTER
Whose fault is that? And whose misfortune? Though I must admit: if we agreed on absolutely everything life might lose a little of its savour.
A knock on the door. MARY enters.
MARY
(Slight German accent) Excuse me, Mrs Berg. Is it time to put the kettle on? It’s a quarter past four.
HESTER
Oh, I should think so, Mary. Mrs Drapkin said she’d be here by half-past—and she’s usually very punctual.
MARY
Like you.
HESTER
Yes, like mother like daughter. Not, unfortunately, so much like Mr Tony.
TONY
What do you mean? I was extremely punctual.
HESTER
Yes, I know. That’s what worries me. The time is out of joint.
MARY
I don’t understand. Out of joint?
HESTER
Oh…all to do with augurs and portents and ghosts on battlements!
TONY
Well, now she understands completely.
HESTER
Mary, it’s Shakespeare.
TONY
(To MARY) “The time is out of joint; O cursed spite, That ever I was born to set it right!” Okay? Does that satisfy you?
MARY
(Playful) Oh, yes, Mr Tony! Of course! Augurs…and portents…and ghosts? I don’t understand any of it.
TONY
(Patient and straight-faced) Augurs were people who watched hens pecking at their grain and then solved everybody’s problems for them—advised them whom to marry and whatnot. A bit like agony aunts. Out of joint naturally describes a dislocated bone. And what was the other thing you seemed uncertain of?
MARY
(Loving it) Oh, you’re both very cruel to make such fun of me.
HESTER
Mary, ‘out of joint’ is a phrase difficult to explain—and you probably won’t be required to use it very often. Now why don’t you just run along to put on that kettle?
MARY
Well, I may or I may not. I’ll see if I feel like it.
But she goes—in high good humour—after laughingly wagging her finger.
HESTER
Oh, Tony, Tony, Tony! Why do you do these things to me?
TONY
It was you who started it. You bring them on yourself.
HESTER
What nonsense!
The doorbell rings. HESTER doesn’t react.
TONY
That must be Mum.
HESTER
Why? Did the bell go?
TONY
You can hardly hear it at this end of the flat.
HESTER
I must say, I was quite impressed just now. I was thinking that an augur was an omen, not the person who interpreted it. And as for the hens…You weren’t just making it up, were you? (TONY shakes his head) Where do you learn a thing like that?
TONY
Search me.
HESTER
Wouldn’t it be wonderful, to find out something new each day and to be able to retain it?
The door opens. MARY shows in ELLEN COTTON. Like HESTER, ELLEN is slim. But she doesn’t quite possess her sense of style.
MARY
It’s Miss Cotton, Mrs Berg. Your sister.
ELLEN
Thank you, Mary. I think it’s possible she may know who I am by now.(To HESTER and TONY) I’m the only one who sometimes wonders. Don’t tell me that it’s teatime?
HESTER
(Her manner a degree chilly) Ellen! How nice. Yes, it is, as a matter of fact.
ELLEN
I can’t dissemble. When I said don’t tell me, I really meant I hoped you would. (To TONY) I’ll swear you grow handsomer each day. Since that’s the case, I trust I get a kiss? Oh, I’m your great-aunt, by the way—I fear Mary must have forgotten.
TONY
Well, I was puzzled. But in that case, yes, you get a kiss. Great-aunts always get kisses.
ELLEN
Oh…I only wish it were the truth. Or, at any rate, most of the men here in West Hampstead don’t seem to know about it yet. Will you spread the word? Naturally, I mean, just to the attractive ones.
TONY
Yes, of course. (He kisses her)
ELLEN
Were you introduced to your grandmother when you got shown in?
TONY
I wasn’t shown in. I said I could find my own way. (ELLEN pulls a face) Well, what are you complaining of? You got the preferential treatment.
ELLEN
But only because she thought that—unaided—I most likely shouldn’t make it to the end of the corridor. And is it really preferential treatment, having to make small talk to Mary?
HESTER
(Feeling excluded and sounding a little acerbic; to ELLEN) If you really wanted to be in Tony’s good books you could have quoted a line or two from Hamlet.
ELLEN
The length of your corridor, I could have quoted a scene or two from Hamlet. I thought they were Shakespeare’s good books.
TONY
And, anyway, when did an
y of you sisters object to making small talk? With practically anybody?
ELLEN
Oh, I think Hester and I would always have preferred big talk. Much! But, of course, one can’t speak for the other four. Though I suspect that even in heaven they’re still at their happiest when trying on hats and airing charming banalities.
HESTER
Ellen dear, would you really say that’s in the best of taste? It’s not even amusing.
ELLEN
I suppose a lot of things in this world are neither particularly tasteful or amusing.
HESTER
But we’re not called on to add to the sum of them.
ELLEN
No, you’re right. And it was certainly patronizing. I take it all back. (To TONY) Isn’t your mama here?
HESTER
Expected at any moment. Straight from the hairdresser’s.
The doorbell rings.
ELLEN
Well, talk about coincidence!
HESTER
Why? Have you just come from the hairdresser’s? I was going to say how very nice you looked.
TONY
No, Gran. Mum’s arrived—from the sounds of it.
HESTER
Oh, yes, of course. That was the doorbell, wasn’t it?
ELLEN
I keep telling you you ought to get a hearing aid.
HESTER
Nonsense. I’ve no need of a hearing aid.
TONY
Yes—nonsense. Gran was never programmed to lose her faculties.
ELLEN
In that case she must have slipped her creator a little something on the side.
TONY
Wish I’d thought of doing the same. I wonder now if it’s too late.
ELLEN
Either that or she may have thrown a tantrum.
HESTER
The two of you are being absurd. And Tony, darling, do sit down. There’s something about you today. You’re giving me the fidgets.
TONY
I’m sorry.
He sits; immediately stands again as the door opens and FLORA comes in, saying, “Thank you, Mary.” FLORA at forty-nine is still a pretty woman—especially when her face lights up—but most of the time there is a subdued, almost a faded, air about her.
FLORA
Hello, everyone. I’m sorry I’m late, Mother. You shouldn’t have waited tea.
HESTER
How nicely he’s done your hair!
FLORA
Oh, thank you. I’m so glad you think so; I wasn’t really sure. (To TONY) Hello, darling—have you had a good week? (She kisses him) Ellen. This is a pleasant surprise. I don’t seem to have seen you in ages.
ELLEN
Oh, I shouldn’t be here by rights. I’m gate-crashing. In recent weeks your mother and I have been having one of our little spats.
HESTER
Have we? I didn’t realize that. What little spats?
ELLEN
Hester Berg. May God forgive you.
HESTER
(Tolerantly, to FLORA) I ought to warn you, darling. She’s behaving rather oddly…one of her more outrageous moods. We’ll have to pretend she isn’t here.
ELLEN
You and the world both.
HESTER
(To FLORA) You see what I mean?
FLORA
Oh dear. Poor Ellen.
TONY plays his violin. MARY comes in with the silver teapot and matching jug of hot water, which she sets on an occasional table, next to HESTER—the sugar, milk and slices of lemon are already there, along with cups, saucers, teaspoons; slop basin and strainer. Apart from the cinnamon balls, the tea comprises daintily cut sandwiches, a sponge cake and a plate of biscuits. HESTER pours the tea. MARY passes round the cups—she has brought in an extra one for ELLEN. She also passes round the teaplates, with paper napkins, and the sandwiches. During the scene that follows, TONY will take over from her in seeing that everyone has food.
MARY
(To HESTER) You forgot to ask if anyone wanted lemon.
ELLEN
I think perhaps we’re none of us too shy to put our hands up if we did.
MARY
No, but it’s a good job Mrs Berg has me here to look after her, that’s all I can say.
She is holding the silver sugar bowl—and tongs—for TONY. He takes one lump with the tongs, then two more with his fingers.
HESTER
Has Mr Davis had something, Mary?
MARY
Yes, of course. About half an hour ago. He’s probably forgotten it by now.
HESTER
Well, go and see if he’d like anything else. And tell him again that Flora and Tony are here.
ELLEN
And Ellen.
HESTER
(To MARY) Yes, say that Mrs Drapkin and Mr Tony and Miss Cotton are here, and ask him if he’d like to come to join us.
MARY
He won’t want to.
HESTER
But ask him, anyway. Say that it would give us much pleasure if he did.
FLORA
(Laughing) Liar! (HESTER silently but smilingly denies this.)
TONY
(To MARY) And if he says no, tell him I’ll come in later for a chat.
MARY
Yes, Mr Tony. Shall I say you want to hear all about Henley Regatta as it was before the First World War, and how little boys used to run behind the carriages all the way from Victoria to Cricklewood, so they could maybe get a shilling for helping with the luggage?
HESTER
Thank you, Mary. That will be all. We’ll ring if we want you. (MARY goes out.)
ELLEN
(To HESTER) How’s she been with him recently? One thing I’ll say for her: she certainly makes good sandwiches.
HESTER
She’s been all right with him, on the whole. At least she hasn’t again thrown his spare set of teeth out of the window. His new spare set, I should say.
FLORA
Oh dear, I know it shouldn’t, but the thought of it still makes me laugh.
HESTER
(Also laughing a little) Well, I can promise you it wasn’t very funny at the time. Although Walter is a lesson to us all. “Oh, my dear girl,” he says to me, “what does it matter? A hundred years hence, what will any of it matter?” I’d have got rid of her at once, if it hadn’t been for him.
TONY
Yet I suppose anyone can lose their temper—and most of the time she’s pretty good with him. Not every au pair would agree to take on a ninety-three-year-old as part of her general duties.
HESTER
But throwing an old man’s teeth out of a fifth-floor window! (Despite herself, however, she is still almost laughing; they all are.)
ELLEN
I suppose you could say…it’s a good thing he wasn’t wearing them.
HESTER
And really he couldn’t be less trouble. He’s always so easy to please. Why, only yesterday I happened to fold over his piece of bread-and-butter—“By Jove,” he said, “sandwiches!”
FLORA
And actually—no matter how tired you or I may get of hearing the same old stories—Tony always finds them interesting. Don’t you, darling?
TONY
(Shrugs) I don’t care how often he tells me there were only fields between Swiss Cottage and Golders Green at the turn of the century. It gives me a sense of continuity and connection.
HESTER
(To FLORA) Well, I daresay he’ll have plenty of scope to go on strengthening his connections this evening over supper—and also to make further trial of his undoubted saintliness…and other such inherited characteristics.
FLORA
I only hope it won’t be spaghetti again, like last week! When Walter got the sneezes I had to hide my plate under the table.
She illustrates how voluptuously he sneezes…with his hand shaking back and forth in front of his nose, clearly ineffectual.
HESTER
Well, do
n’t think I didn’t notice—and don’t think I didn’t feel thoroughly ashamed. I only prayed that he wouldn’t notice.
FLORA
There were nine sneezes, I counted them. Each about five seconds apart. So every time you thought it might be safe to…And you needn’t think I didn’t see you move your plate over, too.
HESTER
There’s a difference between merely edging it across a little and actually putting it on your lap.
As before, they are all laughing about it—particularly FLORA. We get a glimpse of the high-spirited girl she used to be.
HESTER
(Cont.) Ellen dear, you’ll stay and have a meal with us, won’t you?
ELLEN
Is it spaghetti?
TONY
(Suddenly—and not sounding as casual as he might have hoped) Oh, Gran, I meant to tell you. I shan’t be able to stop for supper this week. I’m meeting somebody at seven.
FLORA
What! Oh, Tony! (This is almost a wail—she hurriedly tries to disguise it.) But darling! You always stop for supper on a Friday. It’s…tradition.
ELLEN
(Sings: just the one word) “Tradition…!” Yes, I will stay on, in that case. Thank you, Hester.
TONY
(Turning towards her with relief) You mean, Aunt Ellen, you’ll stay on now that you know I’m not going to be here? Charming. It always helps to know who your friends are.
ELLEN
I hoped I was being subtle. By the standards of this family, I think I probably was.
FLORA
(To TONY) If we don’t see you on Friday nights, when do we see you?
TONY
Oh, Mum, it’s only for this evening! Besides, I often see you twice or even three times a week.
HESTER
(Tongue-in-cheek; to FLORA) And I imagine—if we really set our minds to it—that just this once we can do without him.
TONY
I’m sorry I forgot to tell you earlier.
HESTER
And who…may one be so bold to ask…who is it you’re meeting?
TONY
(Laughs, evasively) Someone.
HESTER
But would it be wrong to suppose this someone is a member of the opposite sex?
TONY
No. (Pause) I mean, it wouldn’t be wrong.
HESTER
Ah. Then let us take a further small step. Her first name doesn’t begin with a C by any chance?
TONY
(Puzzled) C?
HESTER nods, sure that his bewilderment is fake.
TONY
(Cont.) No, it doesn’t. Who’re you thinking of?
HESTER
(To FLORA) Who am I thinking of? No, he can’t be serious! (To TONY) Now tell me that K, for the surname, also means nothing…you heartbreaker!
Father of the Man Page 25