“Those thoughts are not your own.”
He pressed against the shaping Amia worked on him. It tingled within his mind, a constant irritant. The fire working through him wanted it gone. Or he wanted it gone. Perhaps they were the same.
“The thoughts are mine.” Her body glowed with a delicious light, the heat radiating from her filling the night. He could find her with his eyes closed. “I can shape easily now. It wasn’t always so simple. Now, all I have to do is reach for fire and it is there.”
“But what has it done to you?”
“It was worth the price.”
Amia took a step toward him “Was it?” she asked softly.
“You’re alive.”
“Tan—”
“Had I not stopped the shaping—had I not stopped the shapers—you and the First Mother would have been killed by them. This?” He swept his hands over himself but didn’t look down. “All of this is the price I was willing to pay.”
“Did you know what would happen?” she asked. “Did you know that you would become one of the lisincend?”
“I’m not like them. I won’t simply kill like they did.”
“Then what do you think you did to the shapers?”
Tan took a deep breath. He had done what had been needed to stop them. Had he done nothing, the shapers would have reached the remains of the Gathering. They would have attacked and killed Amia and the First Mother. Or worse: they might have abducted them as the others had been taken. And then what would happen to them?
Instead, he had been changed.
“I did what I needed. They were going to take you or kill you. I did what I needed,” he repeated.
Amia took another step toward him.
Heat pulsed out through his skin, pressing against the night, fueled by the raging fury within him. This close, she would be affected by the heat, but still, she came.
“Tan.” She said his name with a sharp crack of a shaping.
He didn’t feel it as he once had. This was different but it still pressed on his mind, threatening him.
This time, he didn’t fight the surge of flames. He let it work through his mind, burning away the shaping. “Don’t,” he snapped.
Amia jerked back, as if he had burned her.
More than anything, her response shook him. The fury eased somewhat, replaced by fear. “Amia?” he said. “What happened to me?”
Her reaction made him aware of the way fire influenced him, the way it pressed on his mind.
She held out a hand as if to touch him but stopped herself. Fear slid across her eyes and as it did, she tried to shield him from feeling it through their connection. He could not only feel it, he could smell it, too.
“You did what you needed. And now I will do what I need to save you, as you once did for me.”
“What are you going to do?”
Pain shot across her face. Then he felt her shaping as it surrounded his mind.
The attack came suddenly. From anyone else, he would have struck out with more violence. Since it was Amia, he hesitated, but only for a moment, only long enough to register what she tried to do.
She worked to separate him from the fire.
Without thinking, he built a shaping, pushing against Amia’s spirit shaping. Hers built and pain came with it, matched by the expression on her face.
Tan pushed back harder, pulling on the fire burning within him, trying to push back what she had done. The lisincend had managed to withstand her shaping. So could he.
But the lisincend had experience working with fire that Tan lacked.
Amia continued to push. Fire grew more distant.
With one more violent attempt, he thrashed against the shaping, but it was too late. Amia’s shaping settled on him fully, separating him from fire.
The colors of the night faded. No longer did he see streaks of orange and red. No longer did Amia glow near him. The warmth radiating from his skin eased, leaving a biting wind that gusted through. Without fire, he felt empty.
“What did you do?” he demanded.
“What you needed. I will see you get help whether you want it or not.”
“What ‘help’ do you think will work? The First Mother said nothing can be done. What I did changed me and instead of thanking me, you’ve shaped me,” Tan growled.
She tried to hide the hurt on her face. “There is much that can be done for you, Tan. You can speak to the elementals. There will always be help available for you.”
He closed his eyes. He could still smell Amia, the heat radiating from her. Part of him felt angry at what she had done, at the shaping that restricted him, separating him from fire. Another part wanted nothing more than to hold her, tear off her clothes, and…
He shook off both thoughts.
“I can’t speak to the elementals. Not like this,” he said.
“Even the draasin?”
Now that the fury raging through his mind had died, he knew he couldn’t let Asboel find him like this. What would the draasin say, knowing he was twisted by fire, no different than the lisincend? What would happen to their bond?
“Not the draasin,” he said.
Amia touched his hand. This time, she did not jerk back.
“There is nothing that can save me.”
“You have risked yourself for others more times than I can count. You have faced impossible odds, daring to go against Incendin and the lisincend. You have convinced the First Mother to travel to Ethea and unravel the shaping working against the king. Do you really think there is nothing that can be done?”
He nodded.
“Thankfully I do not feel the same way.”
Amia no longer seemed bothered by heat radiating from him. Before she shaped him, it had pressed out of his body, as if fire itself was trying to escape from within. Now, he didn’t feel the same heat. Nothing other than thick and stiff skin pulling with every movement.
Amia kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Could she be right? Could she really find a way where he could be healed? And if she could, did he dare refuse?
“What do you have in mind?” he asked.
She whispered it to him. Tan prayed briefly to the Great Mother that it would work.
19
WATER ELEMENTALS
It took only a few days for them to make their way through the mountains and reach the high peaks overlooking the rocky shores below. For the first time, Tan realized he had been wrong in thinking they were in Galen. The shaping his mother and Roine had done on him and Amia had taken them far from the kingdoms.
“We were in Doma,” he said.
“The Gathering. It is protected here,” Amia said. “The families can move through easily, passing along the northern edge of the Vatten to reach Doma without needing to cross into Incendin. Others come from Chenir or even the outskirts of Incendin. But it is a place few else travel. We are protected, left alone here. Or were.”
Tan took in the scene, lingering on the massive rocks below. The ocean pounded against them, crashing in massive and violent waves. He stared at the water, wondering if he could truly reach the udilm like Amia thought or if he would simply drown. Either way, the pain of what he had done would be over soon.
His skin ached. It pulled against him, straining with each step he took. His mouth felt constantly dry and his throat felt raw.
Worse than all that was the pain in his mind, the constant reminder of Amia’s shaping that separated him from fire. He could do nothing against it. After days feeling the same, he wanted nothing more than to remove the shaping, to let fire come to him again, but it could not while Amia held onto her shaping.
“I am not certain this will work.”
“It worked for another,” Amia said. “If we were closer to the place of convergence, I would bring you to the nymid. Instead, we must come here.”
“I can’t hear them anymore,” he said.
“You will. We simply need to get you the help you need.”
“I
will die.”
“Can you really live like this?” she demanded. “Can you really live fighting against the draw of fire every day, knowing that one day you will hurt someone you care about? Knowing that one day it will consume you and you will become like them?”
“I can…” He trailed off. He had been about to say that he could control the fire within him, but he wasn’t certain that he could. Before she had wrapped him with her shaping, the fire had threatened to consume him with its fury. What would he have done then?
He let out a frustrated breath that steamed against the air.
“The kingdoms still need you, Tan. Not this creature you could become, but you. The man who speaks to the elementals. The man who can draw the Great Mother. You are the person the kingdoms needs.”
“I’m no shaper. Before this happened, I could not shape like you or Roine or my mother. But now? Now I could reach fire more easily than any fire shaper. Cianna would be impressed with my control.”
Amia gave him a brittle smile. “You have no control, not over fire. It has the control.”
He shrugged. “Does it matter?”
She fixed him with a hard gaze. “Yes.”
“I will die attempting this,” he said again.
“Then you die trying to be the man the Great Mother intended you to be.” She met his eyes. “The man your father wanted you to be. The man I want you to be.”
Tan bit back the anger surging through him. “Come. Help me to the rocks. Help me swim to my death.”
Everything was numb for him; he didn’t care how his words hurt her.
* * *
Atop the rocks, salt spray struck him, stinging against his still-raw skin. Tan enjoyed the sensation, thankful to feel anything again. Since the transformation, he had felt little. Or maybe it had been Amia’s shaping that left him feeling nothing.
He raged against it again.
She glanced over. “You are so close now. Why would you fight?”
He sighed. “I think… I think that fire would always fight.”
“Fire might fight, but you can’t control it. I’ve said it before. Without control, there is nothing keeping fire from consuming you.”
“It doesn’t consume the draasin.”
“No. It doesn’t. Yet you aren’t one of the elementals.”
Tan could almost imagine what it must be like for the draasin, to have the power of fire without the fear of loss of control. If he had that, he could truly stop whatever Incendin planned. There would be nothing the draasin could do to stop him.
And why should he want to seek healing? What had he done when healed that he couldn’t do now? Now, he at least had control over one of the elements, control that few others could rival. With that power, he could do much good, regardless of what Amia feared.
“The shaping is failing,” she said.
Tan blinked, recognizing what she meant. Fire’s fury threatened to return. With each passing moment, he began to lose more and more control. Or fire regained more and more. How much longer before he could be rid of Amia’s shaping altogether? How much longer before he could be free of her?
A shiver worked through him. That had been the fire, he felt certain of it.
“Amia.” She met his gaze with fear in her eyes. Tears welled up. “I choose you.” He jumped. It felt like an eternity passed as he fell, slicing through the air, before he plunged into the water.
Cold swirled around him. Tan felt it distantly, a part of his mind registering the change in temperature. He kicked, pushing against the water. Steam bubbled around him as water touched his fire-shaped skin. His head popped above the surface briefly and he sucked in a deep breath before another wave crashed down on him.
In that moment, he caught a glimpse of Amia. She stood atop the rocks, watching. Hope had replaced the fear.
He could almost feel.
Since the transformation, the bond between them had been damaged. He felt none of her emotions, nothing that told him how she felt. For the first time, he realized he missed it.
This had to work.
Tan plunged beneath the water, kicking his feet as he went and driving himself forward. Cold and dark water surrounded him. Shifting currents swirled around, dragging him toward shore and then back out to sea. Salt mixed in his mouth, burning his throat and eyes.
Fire surged against Amia’s shaping, demanding release. Her shaping fell.
The suddenness of it was jarring. Fire surged from him, boiling the water around him.
Fury raced through him. He kicked, trying to drive to the surface. As he did, he shaped the water around him, pulling heat from the water itself and turning it to steam. There was too much, more than he had the strength for.
He screamed. Water spilled down into his lungs.
The shaping faltered, failing as water pulled him down.
Tan flailed, panic setting in. Another shaping failed, water pressing too quickly around him, quenching the flame before he had the chance to begin.
He would drown. Harsh laughter burst from him.
In that moment, a memory of Amia standing on the rocks flashed before him. The panic eased; he had chosen this.
If he could not be healed from this shaping, he would not want to continue living. Amia would not stay with him, and then what would he have? He would be emptier than he was now.
A sense of peace flowed through him, quenching the fire raging within. He closed his eyes, letting the water claim him.
Udilm.
He called out, pushing out to the water elemental.
There was silence.
Udilm! It is He Who is Tan!
Water shifted around him, swirling back and forth as it dragged him with its current.
No answer came.
Tan’s chest burned, and not from a shaping. He could not breathe.
Water would not answer him. The transformation had changed him too much, left him altered in a way he could not be saved. Maybe he didn’t deserved to be saved, not like this, not twisted into a form of fire he had seen cause so much destruction. Did he really want to live like that, turned into the very thing that had caused him so much pain?
Tan sighed out the last of his breath. He did not.
Water continued to pull him down, and he did not fight it.
I’m sorry, Amia.
He pushed it out with all the energy he could summon. The sending felt difficult and different. He could not be certain she received it.
Water pulled him, and he drifted.
Spots of color swirled around him. Tan swallowed the salt water still in his mouth as he readied for death. The Great Mother would claim him, and the colors were the last visions he would have before she did.
As much as he wanted to live, as much as he wanted to go on with Amia by his side, he didn’t want to do it as a lisincend.
He felt it as death came to him. And then stopped.
He Who is Tan.
The words came as a wave, soft and slow, touching his mind lightly, nothing like the udilm had the first time he reached them. This was soft and delicate and barely touching his consciousness.
I failed.
You have changed, He Who is Tan.
The sense of the udilm drifted, disappearing for a moment before returning.
Tan recognized that he drifted at the edge of death as he had when he first met the nymid. Then, they had healed him from the blast of fire thrown at him by the lisincend. Now such a blast would not harm him.
I did what was necessary.
You are nearly Twisted Fire.
Tan laughed bitterly. It was the only way I could have saved her.
The elemental drifted away for a moment before sliding close again, rolling in with each wave. Unlike before, he could not see anything about the elemental. Udilm had had a face of sorts when he last saw it.
Not the only way. The only way you knew.
Tan snorted again. Even dying, he was taunted. Is there a difference?
Much difference.
Tan closed his eyes, letting the water play around him.
Why did you come, He Who is Tan?
She thought you could heal me.
A pause. And you did not?
How could he answer? How could he explain that his mind felt different, changed from before, that every thought seemed tinged by the influence of fire and that he didn’t even care? If it gave him the strength necessary to do what was needed—to save Amia and stop Incendin—then he welcomed the change.
You think you did not have the strength before?
I could not shape without the elementals. What strength is that?
He Who is Tan. He Who Speaks to the Elementals. There is much strength there.
The connection to the udilm sounded closer. Tan opened his eyes, looking for evidence of the elemental, but still saw nothing. Water continued to swirl around him, pulling him around, swirling him violently in the water.
What would you do if healed?
I would stop the lisincend. I would stop Incendin.
The udilm seemed to withdraw, leaving him in darkness. For long moments, he felt nothing.
Is that all you would do?
What else was there? He wanted Incendin to leave the kingdoms alone. He wanted the lisincend to pay for what they had done to his family and Amia’s. And the archivists to suffer…
But those weren’t all his thoughts.
He wanted time with Amia. He wanted to learn about his abilities. And though he thought about vengeance for what the lisincend had done to him, more than that, he needed to protect the draasin from Incendin. Asboel may not fear the lisincend, but Tan did. As often as Asboel had helped him, he needed Tan’s help now.
A soft voice seemed to sigh.
You have bound to the Eldest.
Tan nodded. Asboel would be disappointed in what had happened to him.
Perhaps he should die rather than see how Asboel would react.
Time passed in silence. In that time, water swirled around him. It began to burn against his arms, as if the salt in the water threatened to peel back his skin.
Pain surged in his mouth and throat and lungs. His mind went cold. Silence and blackness surrounded him. The water elemental would not heal him.
Changed By Fire (Book 3) Page 16