And yet despite Gray’s growing personal agonies, this is arguably the decade that brought him to the pinnacle of his career.
JANUARY 3, 1980
Renée had a dream that I had a big scar on my heart. She feels that I am not in touch with my feelings and maybe I should take a year off and go work on a fishing boat on the coast of Weather with all the men. She says I am controlled by the fact that I see everything as an image and cannot see beyond the image, that I always make up my own world. She is right but who doesn’t. She seems freer perhaps because she had to fend for herself at an earlier age. She went with me while I made my food shopping rounds and then I went to work on Pt. Judith [a multimedia pastiche of performance and video including the seven-minute version of Long Day’s Journey into Night] from 3–6:30. The Balcony [Gray played the role of the Bishop in this Jean Genet play, the final Performance Group production directed by Richard Schechner] was packed and I stayed around afterward and talked. People seemed to like it.
JANUARY 27, 1980
I met Renée at 2 and I had the idea we would just trot down to her place for a good screw. I get all mixed up about my body needs and forget that she has any feelings about it all. She wanted to talk. We sat on a bench by the city hall. Basically she feels that I am not giving enough. It is an old story I’ve heard before but this time it made me sad and I turned away and looked down at the grey stone walk under us. I look out to see the beauty in the object outside. A part of me wants to turn in and turn away to write and another part sees my salvation with people but never with one person—maybe only Liz. Renée thinks Liz and I may be together “forever” but R. [Renée] puts fear into me when she says that I may already be emotionally burnt out and that I am not in touch with my feelings in any direct way, that I am not simple and direct, that I am devious and that she does not trust me anymore. How strange because I don’t trust Jennifer* [a woman Gray was seeing at the beginning of his relationship with Shafransky] but I do trust Renée. The sun went down and it got cold and we walked back to her place where I got more depressed because she said I was only in search for a nurturing mother who could stand behind my work. To some extent I think this is true. She says such people don’t exist and those that do are sad lost and unhappy women. This is a sign of the times women and men in different places. We make good slow love. I go do a show and meet her at the Collective. We go to Magoo’s for drinks. I eat a rare hamburger. We go back and make passion love in THE DARK.
FEBRUARY 17, 1980
Renée and I woke up at the loft, made love, got up and had lox and eggs and headed off for Central Park. It was a bright cold windy day and we walked up to West 4th to take the subway. We talked about whether or not she felt she could be away from me emotionally for 5 weeks while I am in Amsterdam. [Gray performed Point Judith (An Epilog) in Amsterdam for most of the month of May in 1980.] To some extent I welcome the break but I am not looking forward to being in Amsterdam for that long. I hope I can get down to some writing. It would be the only thing that could save me.
FEBRUARY 19, 1980
[Visiting his father and Gram Gray]
It was a busy day in Rhode Island for me. Each time I think that I can frame it in a poem I am bombarded by new real life images of pain and death. I was amazed at how clear and attentive Gram was. Her body is old and wasted, just ready to be burned but her eyes still go out to things or people. We did not have much to say and after we got up to leave after an hour, she began to complain about Dad never taking her for a ride in the wheel chair so I talked Dad in to letting me stay. He drove into town for some reason. He said to call Sis [Gray’s stepmother] but I don’t know. I took Gram for a wheel chair ride and she said faster. I gave a fast one but was afraid she’d fall out so I slowed down. Dad came back while we were looking at the tropical fish. The nurse was not there to help Gram out of the chair so I did it. Her arms were around my neck, I got her under her arms and lifted, she hung around my neck like a paralyzed body her spine all rigid. It was my touching her that made all the difference. She just lit up after that. I realized that Dad must never touch her. He can’t—the fear on all fronts—just sits across and looks from a distance of 93 years. I kissed her on the mouth and looked into her eyes for the last time. It was hard to leave.
MARCH 2, 1980
[Back in New York]
I wrote a fast letter off to Rocky with the new found Wallace Stevens quote: “One’s cry of O Jerusalem becomes little by little a cry to something a little nearer and nearer until at last one cries out to a living name, a living place, a living thing, and in crying out confesses openly all the bitter secretions of experience.” The man came to fix the stove and then I went off to do our last picture call for Pt. Judith The last show went very well and the audience seemed to be right with it. Joe Papp [Joseph Papp, who founded the New York Shakespeare Festival in 1954 and, three years later, began offering free productions of Shakespeare in Central Park; later, he founded the Public Theater in downtown Manhattan] was there with his wife and stayed after to thank Liz and I. I’ll miss Pt. Judith but I’m glad it’s over so that I can now return to thinking more about new work and the solo work.
MARCH 3, 1980
While watching TV I decided to do the History of American theatre [this became the next monologue Gray would perform at the Garage; A Personal History of the American Theater opened in November 1980] as an epic piece telling my life story around the plays no matter how long it takes—I feel a little nervous about it because I don’t know where to draw the li00ne but I think the piece is about sexual identity and that I must go into those things—that I want to do what Henry Miller did in print but instead being there and taking full responsibility and the whole idea turns me on. There is so much material it feels like an oral book. Renée called and said she needed me because she was feeling insecure so I said come at ten. Jennifer called at 9:30 to say she wanted to come to Philadelphia to visit me which pleased me so by the time Renée came my ego was all fired up and in a good mood. We went for a walk up to Washington Sq. then came back while I drank three beers and talked with Ken [Kobland] and Renée. By the time we got to bed, we had a fight because I was acting annoyed (like all those bad men) saying things like why can’t it be like it was in the beginning when you were all footloose and did not need me all that much so she was angry that I could not accept her as needing me and as having all this emotional involvement with me. I’m just no good at it. I am so adolescent with her.
MARCH 13, 1980
I read in the tub and I read in bed and I called Jennifer and said no, I could not see her now but on Sunday and even as I said it I was trying to figure out how I was going to get to Joan Jonas’s for her dinner party which I want Renée to come to. Jennifer sounded very disappointed but I think I know what I’m doing now. It feels right.
APRIL 30, 1980
[Traveling to Amsterdam with the Wooster Group to perform Point Judith (An Epilog), Sex and Death, and Booze, Cars, and College Girls at the Mickery Theatre]
Too much time in the airport, not a place to stay long. When we got to the X-RAY Renée took me aside to kiss me goodbye. I did not say anything, just kept smiling. I could not tell if it was the end. We sat in the plane for a long time before it took off, me so tired of waiting. Liz, Willem and Jim reading magazines and paper, seeming bored. No excitement? No holding hands on the take off and away!
MAY 3, 1980
Felt out of it and ragged. A nice day, went out for breakfast with Willem & Liz, telling my stories which always makes me feel good but I think Willem was bothered by all my chatter, they went off to the theatre and I went back to Ivan’s to masturbate with little feeling and taking a long time to come—forced. Then walked over the theatre to see if Chan and Bianca had called. Feeling somewhat lost and alone reviewing my past relation with Liz where did it go wrong? We all ended up at B. Belly for a small expensive meal. How the money goes here so fast. I went back to the apartment alone, drank more beer and took another bath, relax and
go to bed and asleep by one o’clock. I don’t know if I can go on with these tours and fear that Frankfurt will be the same, more snacks and beer and being alone. I’m not at all sure that the work can sustain me anymore. Feel at the END.
MAY 7, 1980
I walked through Vondelpark [park in Amsterdam] and as soon as I entered I began to think about what I would do for The Kitchen piece in FEB. I thought about a long tape in the dark in which I would describe all my sexual encounters. By the time I got out on the street I dropped the idea. Why do it, I thought. How would it enrich my life? I don’t want to do something for my audience only. I need to do something with more exploration in it and must trust that when the time comes, I will know what to do on the spot. A simple structure like the I CHING in which I frame where I am at that point. I spent some of the afternoon at the theatre working with Liz, W. and Ron on the intro to Pt. Judith. Then back to my room for an hour sleep and to the theater for a very good show but a small (31) audience that was silent so we played among ourselves which worked well. Beers and talk after John read us our first good review and I took Philip [one of the boys who acted with the Wooster Group and performed in Point Judith (An Epilog)] to Red Light District after he called his mother. He seemed very excited by it and wanted to go see a LIVE show and the man said he would let him in which surprised me. I told Philip we’d come back another time. We all went to Mike French’s room and had a great party. Philip telling dirty jokes as he bounced up and down on the bed. It was a wonderful family party.
MAY 11, 1980
Philip and I went for a long bike ride outside of town. It was a beautiful bright clear day and we get on very well together. He takes pictures of all the animals we see—sheep, cow, donkey, duck, swan. Like a Dick & Jane farm book, even thinks of calling the sheep Dick & Jane but decides on Mary & Joe. We stop to play CHICAGO pinball. He knows all the streets on the game glass. We ride through a cow pasture toward the dikes he always thought were lesbians, he thinks a mason sail is a house before he sees it moving along the top of the dike. Bright sun blue sky. I sing “The old row song” my mother used to sing. He likes it. We ride back to AM. He is speaking fake Dutch most of the way. We find our way back by five o’clock and rest and all out to dinner at a very expensive and not so good Greek place, 50 guilders for my meal.
MAY 15, 1980
Writing in the park for a while and Philip, Marge and Kate [members of the Wooster Group] showed up and I had a nice time with Philip. We’d go for little walks and then write a sketch of what we remembered. It’s not that he is all that intelligent it’s that he has a lot of animal energy that is always bursting out. We walk back together about 4 and he asked me questions of sex the whole way. I felt a little strange talking to him about Renée but I could not stop myself. I liked the way it turned him on and to some extent it was like having that fantasy triangle in which a boy (me?) watched the man-me make love to Renée.
MAY 17, 1980
The sight of every beautiful lass makes me angry like a child because I can’t have it and have pretty much given up trying. I did miss Renée today and thought about BEING with her and wondered what she was doing.
MAY 31, 1980
Got fast into writing about one o’clock, spin off fantasy writing now that gets me excited like masturbation but writing is so much like it if you are just going in that uncontrolled way and that’s how it goes. It reaches a peak in which someone is shot (me) or someone comes, then it goes into that relaxed dreamy place where all gets calm again. Went out for a walk, bought some boots for 50 guilder then walked the shopping street having some … yes I find it is possible that I can have some private experiences without needing to share them with someone right away but for my enjoyment letting them die as they pass out of existence. It’s those little deaths of those little precious moments that are hard still, can’t accept life as FLOW. But I think I’m on to something in the writing and must give it a go or I will never know.
JUNE 4, 1980
I walked to the theatre with Pablo and when John said good news from New York I was sure I had won an Obie. What a surprise when I found it was Liz for best director [for Point Judith (an Epilog)]. After I got over the shock I was happy for her and wrote her a letter. I think I had six people for BC & CGs [Booze, Cars, and College Girls] and three of those were comps. Then I walked home to drink beer (too much again) alone sitting thinking letting it all come in thinking about the Obie and realizing how it’s all a systems game and how they just plug in to a new name each year and how they were getting at Richard by putting Liz on top.
JUNE 5, 1980
[Gray’s thirty-ninth birthday]
So my birthday and a good but confusing day a lot happening in the morning. Talked with R. about coming back [to perform in Amsterdam] next year which put me into a big upset thinking about the group, about my writing, about Renée, about my whole life but I could get away for three weeks but I don’t think I want to go to Frankfurt but who knows. I’m not so keen on N.Y.C. now. What to do and always a crisis in Amsterdam! I thought all day about it and then went to Jules and Marion [the friends Gray stayed with in Amsterdam during his breakdown in 1976] for dinner. Talk of Liz and her relationship to Emma [LeCompte’s niece] made me in tears. I had to hold back walking to the theatre. Hot day and went to that place where almost 4 years ago I met Liz off the bus, great sadness (don’t look back). BC & CGs went well although a very sober audience. Over came GWENDOLYN and I must say I really fell for her. I asked her to go to bed with me and she said no so I let it all go and we played around some and she said, now I shall take you home with me. What a wonderful birthday present! She rode me on the back of her bike. She looks like a muse and a wonderful body and such a beautiful old loft, like making love in a barn. It was so good!
JUNE 6, 1980
My head is all mixed up. Gwen over for dinner and me making love with her still holding back because I think guilt for Renée even at this distance and then all the different women at the show. I’m trying to set up teaching dates and a dozen long stem roses from Renée which is my confession I leave at the theatre. Also she called me just before the show and I told her about the airline stewardess because I was already feeling hemmed in by the call, by the roses and I want perhaps to live out the rest of my years as this, wander, wander, wander but afraid to be alone.
JULY 6, 1980
[Back in New York]
Cool clear windy, best weather in a long time! We decided to go down to Battery Park so I called Liz and W. to invite them. We lay in the sun and talked then Renée bought tickets for the Ellis Island boat so we took the tour and it was very nice out there, fresh grass, wind in the Sycamores, healing clean air. We both got tired of the tour after we lost our cute tour guide and went out and slept on the grass, then back, me still looking for Liz, the “disappearing mother,” flash memory of Liz waiting on the beach for me in India. We went back to R.’s, ate cherries. It was a good day. The other days have been difficult. I think often it is because I am not writing and then I think that all the writing is a fantasy and that in fact I don’t want to be a writer but interested in Wallace Stevens’ battle with solipsism and wonder often if that’s what I have to go through. Kerouac died at about 47 years old. Ginsberg got religion. Renée says the religion came out of guilt. Guilt for what? I say and she says for fame and that rings a bell. My guilt for fame and money I MAKE.
On July 9, 1980, Gray and Shafransky left on a car trip across the United States ending in San Francisco, where Gray performed Sex and Death as well as a story called “The Great Crossing,” about the trip he’d just taken with Shafransky to get there.
AUGUST 12, 1980
Woken from long Amsterdam dream, as Yvonne [Rainer] was whispering in my ear about what a scoundrel I was for sleeping with the different women, by a phone call from Bob Applegarth so I told Renée the dream and she was very hurt and upset that I’d done it with Gwen—someone I liked. So we spent a good part of the morning hacking it out. She was cal
ling me a cad and how she did not trust me but I was “up” from the dream because in the dream I was able to stand on my own and resist the somewhat sentimental and idyllic vision of nature-harmonious GROUP vision that Yvonne showed me out the window. She told me that this was how their group still was and I was able to have distance on it and knew it was not true also knew that I was changing. I also stood my ground with R. and said I would do it again with a woman I like if the opportunity presented itself. Of course, she is upset about me being alone in SF. By the time we got to the beach, she had calmed down and we had a nice day there.
AUGUST 19, 1980
Renée thinks that I am both the boy and the mother. I want to be 12 again and also be the mother of myself and that I make women like her and Liz into the father and punish them by obsessing on the boy the way my mother did with ME and that I will only STOP doing this when it causes me too much pain and disaster in my life. We made love. Not so connected both of us realizing it was the end for awhile. R. and I headed off early to the airport. I parked the car while she checked her stuff then we went to the bar for a brandy. R. was very emotional and cried a lot told me she loved me and that she had had a good time. We went to the Eastern [Airlines] Waiting Room together and the plane was late to board so we sat on the floor, my head in her lap for an over long goodbye, then she was gone. I did not look back. Drove back to Beethoven Leonora Overture to drink beer and read R. D. LAING’S “The Facts of Life” then I went to bed at midnight, a little drunk and out of it. Fast asleep.
AUGUST 28, 1980
The Journals of Spalding Gray Page 10