MAY 18, 1983
Up very early with a hangover. Should have replaced my water with water not booze. Could hardly get started. Wandering around the sun in a fog. Hour long drive out to new location. Used to be a garbage dump. They cleaned it up and built a bombed out house on it. A thunderstorm came up and it clouded over which made it a little cooler. I ate chicken soup which made me a lot better and the sweat just poured out. There were about five helicopters on location and we were told that we’d only be taken up about ten feet but we had a real ride with the doors open and I was amazed to find I had no fear. It was such a relief to get up there off that ground and to feel above it all. The power of it. Craig [T. Nelson] was sitting by the door and went into a real panic and was grabbing my leg without even realizing it. I think because he was so afraid it made me not afraid. We went through it all two or three more times. Craig asked the NURSE for Valium but she didn’t have any. The third time up he was yelling like a cowboy. I pitied the poor Thais playing wounded Cambodians in the sun. Supposed to be a village that was wiped out by a bombing error. Long day. Dust and dirt and black inhaled smoke from burning rubber tires. My bathtub was like a swamp.
MAY 19, 1983
This was a long day of doing nothing but sitting on the bus and reading Tom’s book about the destruction of Cambodia which I found very depressing. One horror story after the other which I found hard to believe or hard to take and didn’t want to believe because published by Reader’s Digest Press. It was very hot so I really didn’t emerge from the bus until late afternoon to watch the children swing on ropes and drop into the dirty river. Craig was a little depressed because he got a call that a friend of his had committed suicide by OD’ing. Thoughts of Renée and I swimming in the Esopus [the river near their rented house in Krumville]. Thoughts of me going to Bali alone for the whole summer. I keep alternating like crazy. Was a little upset or felt left out because not used. Cocktails in Julian’s room. Very crowded. Judy and Susie showed up to crash. I ended up going out with Sam, John and Glenne but wondered what fun everyone else was having. Ended up in John’s room with Nell. Walked her to her door but didn’t POP THE QUESTION. DID NOT SLEEP WELL.
MAY 20, 1983
Disorientation. Woke up all night often not knowing where I was. (As if it mattered.) Obsessive thoughts that I should have slept with Nell. Was glad to be in my room and awoke early because Renée called at 6:15. We had a long talk. She upset because I sound like Hal the computer. Says she wants to marry me. She told me that Pavel had a massive heart attack and had asked Amy about me. R. seems to think he is alright but resting. New location: A soccer field in what felt like 110° heat and the Cadillac limo was falling apart as hundreds of Thai looked on. First my window wouldn’t open then the car over-heated and then the air-conditioner broke down so it was like being in this hot box. I kept talking to our new “bodyguard” who claimed to be an elephant expert and Ira dripping wet with sweat kept saying please stop, I’m trying to get into character. Roland told him he was supposed to be close to tears. It was a long hot day with some funny moments. At last the muffler and tail pipe dropped off which had me laughing out.
MAY 23, 1983
Still not sleeping well. Very “on edge” Tom showed us his video of return to Vietnam. Very emotional, gets your heart. I cried to myself with all the complexity that went with aware of the sentiment and the kind of American stupidity that allowed all those “boys” to go in there and fight. Ira broke down in tears. Very Naïve (American again) and couldn’t understand why the tape wasn’t popular in U.S. We all sat around and talked after. It was good. A kind of “MALE CLUB” I thought I’ve been longing for. Went to fancy travel agent with Ira and bought ticket and hotel for Chiang Mai [city in northern Thailand]. Rested in the afternoon and read book on Buddhism interested to find that[Alexandra] David-Néel refers to it as psychoanalysis. Also spurred by the old idea of paying attention to it all and emphasis on memory as tool.
MAY 26, 1983
Off to the grandstand location at nine and did my scene with Sam where we went through the crowd talking about Military Defense Department. It was not easy to concentrate on my lines with two horrible 888 troops and a military marching band all coming up at me for my cue. I think we did about five or six takes which was not bad. Nell entertained the Thai troops after lunch. It was a short day. We all got off around 4:00. On the way home Sam told me I had done well. When I asked him why, he said I simply “did it.” What do you get off on? I guess the simple execution. When I got home I gave up thinking about Nell and went for swim in the British Club pool. I saw two beautiful Thai women there with two English men. They were outstanding. Walk up home from the club I was suddenly overwhelmed by the beauty of the faces coming at me out of the crowd. At times I can’t tell the men from the women. Too many drinks and out for late dinner with Ira.
MAY 28, 1983
[On location in Chiang Mai, Thailand]
Woke at 7 after a good sleep. After breakfast we were picked up by our guide and driver and head out for the all day trip. First the elephant farm where they went through their routine shows for the US tourists. The bath in the river was nice. It was good to be out in the country. Ira and I even took the ride. I was a little down on the whole thing because we were with all these other tourists and I figured they’d be at the hill station but it turned out we were the only ones up there and there was a funeral or wake going on and they had a little two year old baby laid out and the men were playing these bamboo pipes and beating a drum. Lee, our guide told us that the funeral procession would go into the jungle and the witch doctor would throw eggs on the ground until one didn’t break and that would be the spot to bury her. If none of the eggs broke they would come back and kill more animals and drink the blood and go again after two tries they leave the body for the wild animals. We went to a house that had their wives and 22 people living in it. All three wives live in one room.
MAY 29, 1983
Woke at 8:45. Felt a little out of it. The excitement of being in a new place was already beginning to wear off. Long trip to another hill tribe. More advanced (TVs). Ended up with Witch doctor reading our palms at little homemade altar with flashlight and batteries. Said if I have children I will die early but no have children, will live long. Also said I had my lucky lottery number on me and at last found laundry tag ending in 275 could win 3 million B. Back in town to buy silver cup and then to lunch. Ira admired that I could stay friends with Liz through it all. Went back for swim in the rain then got very dark about 3:15 and I went across the way to get #63 again and have my massage under pink fluorescents as the rain came down. At last for 400 I got her to take her clothes off. She was very beautiful with long glossy black pubic hair. Fantastic legs and ass but would not roll over so I finished off fast in missionary position then watched her take a shower. Very beautiful. Made me sad. Beauty like that makes me sad.
MAY 30, 1983
Renée called at 7:45. She keeps asking me if I’m alright. I get frightened about her coming makes me think of marriage and long-term commitment which always and still freaks me out. Do I prefer to live in fantasy world of shadows and dream?
JUNE 1, 1983
Woke at 1:30 in the afternoon and went down for a swim. A banana. Some milk and peanuts and we were off again for the location and by now it felt like an endless dream. Dark skies and it cleared a little and a breeze came up and it became a very beautiful night. The man rolling through here and there. The extras were in a party mood and we were all a little up to begin with. It got very weird that the singer was singing Danny Boy phonetically. I had a “full house” Turkey dinner around midnight and then we went back for the New Year’s Eve countdown scene. Then fell asleep under the stars while they set up for another shot of the dance and I had to get myself up out of that to sing Auld Lang Syne with the phonetics woman. The last shot of the day as the sun was coming up was very difficult for me. I was not sure what Roland wanted from me so after Billy [Paterson] ran away I just s
tood there and stared out over the empty dance floor. Six bombs went off that must have woke everyone in the neighborhood.
JUNE 2, 1983
I got back at seven. Had breakfast took a sleeping pill and went to bed. I woke up off and on not really knowing where I was and at last got up at one to find a bright sunny day and went swimming with Ira, Billy and Tom. Lunch at about 3:30 and back to bed at four. Up at 6:30 and to avoid depression, charged down to take another swimming in the pool. It was very beautiful. I was the only one in the pool and I swam on my back looking up at the clouds thinking in the third person “He did this.” Back in my room at 7 and not heard from anyone about cocktails. Ira called to read a sad cute letter from Neevy and said he and Craig were off to farewell dinner with Roland. It’s hard to believe they’re both going. Ira gave me my pictures of the trip to Chiang Mai. I had drinks alone but it gave me a headache like I’d lost my taste for booze. Tom and I went to a nice Szechuan place at 8:30. Billy and Patrick came too late. Tom and I walked to King’s Castle and sat it out until one. I took Joy home. A sweet little girl and was tempted not to use the safety but did. She seemed so clean and kept saying she was not a BUTTERFLY = SURPRISE AT ELEVATOR.
JUNE 3, 1983
I couldn’t wake Joy. She was like a little animal. Went for my swim and came back and fucked from the sweet brown rear then down to breakfast and I still couldn’t get her up. Offered her banana and she was insulted. At last got her out about 11.
I went off to the pool and spent most of the day there only coming into the hotel for lunch and a nap then out to the pool again to socialize and back for a very painful massage from Sy at 5:30 then off to the Foreign Correspondents Club for some a farewell party and also to begin the farewell party and combined birthday for Ira and Billy. Sat with Craig and Sammy whose real name is Sam Pol and wants to be called that. Big downpour. Flooded streets and over to ChaCha then five of us got a tuk tuk and went down to Pot Pong singing all the way. We took over King’s Castle in the worst way. I got up on table to dance. Joy was very upset with me and kept telling me to get out. We all ended up dancing at Rififi. Got to bed about 2 after long bath.
Gray later mentioned Joy in the published version of Swimming to Cambodia: “At first Joy seemed happy to see me and we could ride on that novelty. The softness of her skin was like a kind of heaven on earth and I wanted to keep it that way and not think. But when I sat long enough with Joy I could see the joy drain out and a kind of melancholy despondency creep into her face…. When we got back to the hotel I realized something was wrong—because two basic intentions in making love are pleasurable relief through sex, and some recognizable change in ‘the other.’ I could never really see the change in this particular other. And why should I expect change? After all, I was paying her…. Also I think it had a lot to do with language. Eighty percent of erotic love for me is the language in and around the event. But she spoke very little English. All she could (or would) say, over and over, was ‘Joy like you.’ I figured she said that to all the guys, but she was so convincing. I really wanted to believe her.”
JUNE 5, 1983
I got up five and took a cab out to meet Renée. I was very nervous got there early. Her bags were the last to come through so we didn’t get out of there until seven. Came back and made love and went down for the breakfast then briefly over to the location in a very hot sun and Renée suffering from jet lag to watch them roll around in an APC. We walked back to the hotel so Renée could get her SPAULDING hat to protect her from the sun then walked over to the other location to have lunch. Renée was not hungry but I ate a lot of Turkey and walked back to the hotel for another round of fucking and she went to sleep and I walked back over to the location to watch them blow up the shoe store which took about two very hot hours to do. Had an interesting talk with Neil the Australian journalist about the difference between Thai Laos Com. Viet. people. Told me a story about how he had offered a Laotian a year’s pay to take him somewhere at nap time and he wouldn’t go. Back to the hotel and dressed in my all white farmer’s clothes and we all went off to Ambassador [John Gunther] Dean’s for drinks. I got quite drunk on scotch and some of us ended up at the open seafood place.
JUNE 7, 1983
We woke up around 8:45. Went out to swim and before that had quick sex. It’s the old story. Now that my sexual drive has been somewhat satisfied I’m beginning to scrutinize Renée and think of her as not the perfect woman for me but what is most maddening is that I like her as a person but just don’t think I want to settle down and have a family. After all how would I make a living? Sometimes I feel hope for a new monologue but I feel that I have to do a lot of research first. We spent a day in the city. Shopped for silk and went to a tailor and then the pool. Went to eat lunch at the little place but it was closed so we took a cab to see the reclining Buddha which was ridiculously big! Back to the hotel to swim and then down to the bar to drink with Phil Achs of the London Times. Craig and Tom and a bunch of us went off to a little Indian place in an alley which was very cheap and Craig ended up paying for all of us and giving 100 Baht tip. It began to rain and everyone left but John and Renée. John and I sat around and talked shop. John tries to make me believe that he doesn’t like doing movies but at the same time get the feeling that he is bragging and really wants it.
JUNE 12, 1983
DREAM: I was diagnosed as having an incurable disease (referred to as a cancer) that was killing me slowly. I was taking care of some pet fish and put them in the oven with some “wild” fish. Went in a panic to open the oven and all the fish looked at me with intelligent eyes—like dog eyes. I managed to get one out of the oven and it turned into John Malkovich who seemed indifferent to being saved.
JUNE 13, 1983
Made love. Renée was in one of those funny aggressive moods and wanted to wrestle and beat me up. I lay there like a big lump and let her. Panic to pack. Not enough room so went to buy a new suitcase. After packing we had time for a last swim. Renée and I sat separate on the bus. I was feeling upset that I missed Craig all night, back to same old problem being around a group. I’m curious and want to be everywhere at once. Slow trip on narrow road. A strange landscape that reminded me of nothing then Cha-am beach hotel at Phetch Base [near Hua Hin, Thailand]. Outrageous huge swimming pool. Gulf of Siam like Far Rockaway in August. Fear of what? Police guards with revels. Barb wire and stray pack of dogs. Swimming pool. Giant barbecue. We sat with Roland and Cherie. Nell by my side taking over: “Don’t let Renée tell you what to think.” Knows how and where to get me. Sliver of a new moon and evening star. Walk down to the beach after dinner. I slip in the pool late, alone. Black water. Fear stray dogs wander by the pool. Bats. The sky of stars. Open outdoor feeling at last. Back in room I get into a horrid scene with Renée. Tell her I can’t be in a relationship. Make her cry. Why didn’t I tell NELL to shut up? Why can’t I fight with Renée? Yell and scream instead of telling her it’s all over? Late suffering NIGHT HOW WILL I EVER GET BACK?
JUNE 14, 1983
I climbed into bed with R. to make up quietly. Make love without too much feeling. Going through the motions I really couldn’t stand her crying last night and felt that I had been stuck with the worst part of the child in her … We watched a scene be shot around the pool that was filled with trash. A wandering kind of Bergman Antonioni look. We ate lunch at location and went back to the hotel to swim rest and prepare for cocktail hour out by the sea in the wind.
JUNE 18, 1983
Renée and I made love twice. Once before the swim and once after. We got out on the beach about noon. R. helped me with my lines and then we walked down the beach and I watched her go in swimming. I still don’t feel like going in this water here. We went back to the pool. It all looked like a National Lampoon Comic book. Everyone drinking and ordering food. The people watering the lawn with masks on and the waiters taking running short cuts through the flower: drop two bottles of Kloster: “Sorry sir, no more Kloster.” Renée and I drank beer and ate chicke
n on Square. The day went fast. I ended up talking with Ivan [Strasburg, the second unit director of photography] about my work … Renée and I walked on the beach. It was very beautiful. She tried to get me to commit to living with her and when I wouldn’t we talked of breaking up then the whole evening got crazy. She went for a walk with _____ while I unloaded all my problems on Ivan. R. cried in Julian’s arms. Julian swam out in the night sea. Fireworks went off. Ivan, R. and I went down by the sea to get stoned. Renée wandered off. I began to see way into a golden kaleidoscope scope going so fast it made me dizzy. I ended throwing up like dog. Covering my vomit with sand I saw my body as a Skeleton made of sand. Somehow they got me home. [This too is revisited in Swimming to Cambodia, with Gray describing the scene in more vivid detail: “Each time the vomit hit the ground I covered it over with sand, and the sand I covered it with turned into a black gauze death mask that flew up and covered my face. And so it went; vomit-cover-mask, vomit-cover-mask, until I looked down to see that I had built an entire corpse in the sand and it was my corpse.”]
JUNE 19, 1983
Woke feeling quite out of it. Not much sleep. R. was ashamed to go out and be seen. Went for a swim. Ate breakfast with Sam Pol and Umber too. Feeling quite depressed from the grass. Went to the pool and then rested and had lunch on the balcony. Off for the night shoot at 5. Nice at the Hotel. Sunset and then a big wind and it was suddenly cool. My scene came quicker than I thought it would but took a long time to shoot. Me trying with all my might to focus on the technician’s words. Came up with “a homing device in the middle of town” and “LONG NECK.” Roland giving me a lot of direction then at 2 we were done and everyone applauded. I felt real good to have it over and done with. Got a private driver home. A fan letter under the door from Italy. I tore it up in front of R. at last she made me flush it down the toilet. Two beers, a sleeping pill and to sleep at three.
The Journals of Spalding Gray Page 15