by Jude Ouvrard
“At least now I know it’s not just me.” Her words were laced with so much bitterness I couldn’t help but wonder what her story was.
Unable to stop myself, I stared at the tattoos marking her skin. Why would such a beautiful girl be so passionate about permanent body modification? She had green eyes, like Lisa, and her blonde hair was a few tones lighter than Lisa’s had been. The girl was beautiful—with or without the tattoos.
“You’ll be fine, tattoo girl. You’re strong, I can tell.” That had sounded too welcoming. “I have to head back in.”
She gave me a small smile before removing all trace of tears from her face. “Okay.”
For some reason, I wished she’d talked to me more. It didn’t feel right to leave her outside, alone and crying, but as a stranger, I’d done what I could. Hadn’t I?
Lisa.
The last time I saw my sister, she was home and I was going out to the stable. She’d been crying over some guy named Lewis. He’d broken up with her, but she’d loved him so much. Her first love, Lewis had represented everything she’d wanted in a man. In her room, after, I’d found wedding gown magazines filled with sticky notes covered in comments about the things she liked. They’d talked about marriage and kids. She’d had their future all planned out, but then he’d broken up with her after reconnecting with an old flame.
Later that night, the cops showed up at the bar where I was performing a concert. When I saw their eyes locking on me, I’d known it was trouble, and when they’d told me Lisa was dead, I’d lost it. I’d cried, I’d crumbled to the floor and lost connection with reality. Hours later, I’d woken up in the hospital. Alone.
She’d called 9-1-1 and reported her death before hanging herself in the garage. How fucked up was that? My little sister took her own life over heartbreak. I should’ve stayed with her that night and helped her. When I’d told her I loved her before leaving, she’d given me an extra-long hug; I should have noticed something was wrong, seen the signs. We were so close. Never in my life would I forgive myself. Lisa was all I had left. After Mom’s death, Dad took off, and so we’d moved in with our grandparents. We’d survived together; I’d thought we were strong enough to fight whatever life threw at us, as long as we had each other.
At the end of the night, I watched tattoo girl leave with her boyfriend. I remained hopeful she would text or call. Yes, it would make me feel better. I wanted her to be alive, a choice my sister no longer had. As young as she looked, tattoo girl had her whole life ahead of her, waiting to be built.
Maybe it was time I headed back to Seattle. After moving East to Montana fifteen years ago, I’d never been back.
VAL
Nervous, I dialed John’s number and prayed for the voicemail. I knew that would delay our much needed conversation, though. Over an hour had passed since I took a seat in Nix’s guest room, trying to finding the right words to say. Nothing was going to make my decision better. It had hurt us both, so I owed him an explanation as to why I’d left without any face-to-face interaction.
“Sweet pea. Why did you do this? Please tell me because I’m losing my mind.” John asked as he answered the phone.
“John. I’m sorry. I know this obviously wasn’t the right way to do what I did, but typical me, I did it anyway.”
“Look, I don’t care about the right way or the wrong way.” He paused. “I only care about how we can fix this. Val, we have to work this out. I love you. You still love me too, right?”
“Yes, of course, I do, but I’m not moving back to Boston, and you don’t want to move back here, so what’s the answer? I do love you, but I was unhappy there, and staying would have meant making you unhappy, too. I’m not going to make you unhappy, John.”
“Dammit.” He groaned, sounding furious. “I told you I was going to propose to you, Val. That night, before you left, I thought about doing it at the restaurant, or then again later that same night. The ring I picked out had been wearing a hole in my pocket for two weeks while I waited for the perfect moment. I shouldn’t have waited. I’m such an idiot.”
“Stop, John. No, you’re not. We clearly had a misunderstanding about what our future looked like, where we both wanted to go. You thought we were staying while I thought the opposite. I made my decision because we were at a crossroads and something had to change. I think, maybe, it’s time we just step away from each other and let destiny guide us. Whether that is together or apart…” I trailed off to let the last words sink in.
“I can’t believe you’re saying all this, sweet pea.” John was crying at this point. “What if I don’t agree with you?”
“John, we need time to think. Well, I do, at least.” There was nothing else to say. This conversation could go on and on, but all we’d end up doing was going over the same things. “You know as well as I do that these last couple of weeks have been rough. Time will help make this easier.”
“I’ll give you all the time you need, if that’s what you want. I still don’t think it was fair for you to leave me like you did. I woke up to an empty house. Do you have any idea how much I miss you already?”
“Of course, I do. I feel it too, but—”
“Yeah, yeah. I get it. I think we’ve said everything now. Well, except for I love you and I do. I love you now, and most likely always will love you, Val. That’s something I can say with confidence, even if you are tearing me apart.”
It wasn’t fair to ask him not to be bittersweet after what I’d done. My heart was breaking, like his. “I’m sorry, John.” The tears started to fall down my cheeks. “You need to know I love you, too. Time will decide our future.”
He sniffled into the phone. “Alright.”
Seconds passed before either of us said anything.
“Goodbye, Val.”
“John?”
The line went dead.
Five days had passed since our phone call. Everything in my day-to-day actions reminded me of John. My heart and mind missed him, but I was finding my life again. The time apart had been a revelation for me. He hadn’t tried to contact me, nor had he returned my emails. Seemed John had given up, so I would have to as well.
Working at Black Shakers again was a decent distraction, and I was able to have a good time with the girls. During the day, I tried fixing up my apartment and getting furniture with my tip money. My parents and brother came over on my third day in the place, and helped me settle in. My brother, Ed, had come to town to spend time with me, and I was excited to see him. Explaining to them my reasons for moving back was harder. They’d thought there would be a wedding to organize within the year, but in the end, they supported me.
“Valerie, my baby girl, you’ve grown so much while you were away. We’re surprised, but watching you stand up for what you want is priceless. All we want is for you to be happy, whatever that looks like.” Mom’s words replayed in my mind every time the doubts crept in.
Sitting on my small leather couch–a bargain found in the ads– I was trying to mentally decide where to hang frames and the other decorations I’d gotten, but wasn’t in the mood. Last night had been crazy so I hadn’t gotten to bed until sunrise.
My phone emitted a couple of small beeps telling me a text had come in. I hurried and checked to find it was from the cowboy guy. Not John. Still, it had me smiling. Miles had been messaging to check on me on a pretty regular basis.
How are you today?
Although he’d asked, I didn’t think he wanted to know the truth, nor did I want to burden him with my life, so I kept my answer light.
Hi, stranger. I’m good, thanks for asking. How are you?
It didn’t take more than a minute before my phone pinged again.
I’m good, too, thanks. Have things settled down now?
I sighed.
Getting there. I’ve gotten a job and have a roof, so can’t complain.
Expecting him to answer right away, which he did, I’d kept my phone in my hands. His reply felt like he meant it, which made him even
more charming and caring.
Happy for you.
Thanks, I’ll be okay.
He didn’t reply to my last message, but that’s how it had been since I’d met him. Miles liked to check up on me, that’s all. The situation could creep me out or scare me, but when I’d first met him, I hadn’t feel like he’d harm me in any way. The way he’d looked at me had made me feel sorry for him. His face had been etched with regret, and there’d been sadness, too. He’d mentioned something about his sister. My mind had been focused on my own problems then, but I knew he had a story to tell.
At times the apartment could be quiet. Too quiet. Sometimes I’d enjoy the peacefulness of it, and then other times, it bored me to the bone. Hanging out at the tattoo shop with Kyle and Levi had become my mid-afternoon activity since moving back here.
“So, when do I get to ink you again, Val?” Kyle teased.
“Yeah, you popped my cherry.” Laughing at what I’d just said, I blushed. “I don’t really have a project in mind right now. My arm took a few months, so I guess I’m taking a break.”
“I’ll keep asking until you say yes.”
“What if I ask Levi to do it?” I started biting on the inside of my cheeks to stop from laughing.
Levi had heard me and was laughing in the background. Kyle had not expected me to add Levi to the mix.
“Levi is married to your best friend. Tattoos are intimate, that would be weird.”
Kyle might have a point but I laughed out loud until my belly hurt. What was up with Kyle anyway? “Aren’t you with Tiff? Last I heard you were.”
His smile fell as he shook his head like he was trying to clear his mind. “We’re complicated. Tiff is special.”
Levi turned around to get a better look at Kyle. “It didn’t seem complicated last night when she came here to check up on you.”
“Shut up, Levi. It’s a work in progress, very slow progress. When she said no strings attached, she meant, shit, I don’t even know what we are. Anyway, I can’t be a boyfriend to her. I’m not… good enough, I guess. I have too much baggage, and I think she has just as much.”
I knew those feelings all too well. So far today I hadn’t cried, which was a good sign things were getting easier. Not wanting to dwell on my broken heart for too long, I changed the subject. “Actually, you know what? I may need you to ink me more, after all. A cover up.”
“Damn, Val. You’re already regretting a tattoo?”
“Regretting it, no, but it doesn’t belong there anymore.” Seeing it every time I showered or got dressed was saddening. “I got a ‘J’ on my bicep, and I think it needs to be covered.”
Both guys remained quiet until Levi spoke up. “Isn’t it too soon to cover it up? What if you guys fix things and get back together?”
The emotions, sadness and pain, rushed back to me. “No, we’re done. He hasn’t contacted me in days or even replied to any of my messages. I think we’re a hundred percent done and I want to get rid of it. It’s too much of a reminder of what I left behind.”
Levi stood up in a rush, and Kyle’s chair screeched on the floor. “Hold on, Val.” The tone of Levi’s voice surprised me.
“Geez, Levi, calm down. Do you regret moving here, Val?” Kyle asked.
“No, I don’t, but John was in my life for a long time. I lost my boyfriend and so much more. I guess I miss him more than I thought I would.”
“You should talk to Nix, if you need to.”
Maybe this subject was too deep for these guys. “Yeah, I know. Anyway, I think we should look at a time on your schedule.”
“Tomorrow, I’m free at one o’clock,” Kyle offered before Levi could say anything.
“Sounds good. Thanks, guys.” That settled, I went and grabbed burgers for all of us before heading upstairs to get ready for work.
My job at the club paid well, so I couldn’t complain, but my Graphic Designer diploma was sitting on my table. It’d be nice to use it soon. In the coming weeks I would look for design jobs; it was a promise I made to myself. The good thing about that kind of job was the ability to work from home and decide my schedule. Maybe I could make both jobs work? I sighed and looked around.
Once again, I was alone in my apartment.
MILES
Each time I texted her, I was convinced she wouldn’t reply, but she always did. I’d been driving for a couple of days when I crossed the border of Montana early in the morning. My grandmother wanted to see me before my route took me north, and I had to pick up a few things. So many things had changed in Seattle since the last time I’d been there. Although I could remember a few things, everything else seemed a blur in my mind.
“Millard, is that you?”
“It’s me, Grandma. How are you?” I called out while walking into the kitchen where she was making pies. Apple and cherry.
“I’m good, Millard. When you told me you were going to be here today, I had to bake you pies. Stephen will be joining us for dinner. Hope you don’t mind.”
Stephen had been helping my grandparents on the ranch for years. He’d taken on more and more chores as they grew older. When I was here, I refused to let them work. They needed to rest, plus I felt bad for leaving them while I’d gone on a road trip in hopes of finding a few gigs to boost my singing career.
The trip had gone well. I’d made a decent amount of money but missed the feeling of being home. Although my plan was to stay here for a few days, tonight, for my grandparent’s sake, I’d stay in and take care of the ranch instead of going out. In the morning while they enjoyed their free time, I’d take care of the morning chores with Stephen.
“Are you hungry? You look like you’ve lost too much weight while you were away. I thought you said you’d take care of yourself.”
Oh, no. Now she was getting upset with me. “I did. I ate every day. Living in hotel rooms or out of my car was difficult. I’m back now, and I’m hungry.”
“Sit down, young man,” she ordered, and I knew I couldn’t ignore her, so I did as told while she started fetching things from the refrigerator.
“Can I at least help you?”
She laughed. “No. You sit and prepare yourself to eat. You’re going to get that weight back on. We need you strong, Millard.”
“Okay, okay… but you should know, I’m stronger now than ever.”
Grandma laughed like I’d just told her a joke. “You’re skin and bone, Millard. I may be old but I’m not blind.”
“I dropped some weight, true, but it’s almost all back in muscle. I’m good, please don’t worry about me.”
Only because she’s stubborn, she wouldn’t hear any of it. She made me a grilled chicken sandwich and then added some pasta salad to my plate. To please her I ate everything, but damn, it was way too much.
Later, I helped Stephen with the horses. We cleaned out the stables together until the sun set. Then, I went for a ride on my horse, singing as we trotted through the field under the moon light. This used to be something Lisa and I would do, and we always had so much fun. I missed her so much. It had gotten worse since meeting Val. That girl had affected me more than any other girl I’d ever met, and to think, we’d only talked for a couple of minutes. Yes, part of me wished to see her again, but now was not the time. Waiting a couple of weeks seemed like a good strategy. While riding my horse, I thought about my plan for once I got to Seattle. I’d never seen Mom’s grave, or Lisa’s. The time had come. For too long I’d avoided going with the excuse of not being ready. Things had changed on the road.
I spent four more days with Grandma before leaving again. Of course, she made me promise to come back on occasion, and she seemed convinced I’d met someone. The thing was, I never mentioned Val to anyone. I didn’t even know myself what Val represented. Did the stranger hold a special place because of who she was, or because who she reminded me of? I didn’t know. In both cases, I couldn’t stop thinking about her and wasn’t sure how that made me feel.
What if I couldn’t find her? Wou
ld she always remain on my mind? What if I did find her and she didn’t want anything to do with me? I had no idea what would happen, but I had to try.
As soon as my car entered the city limits of Seattle, memories flashed through my mind. Images of Mom, Dad, Lisa, and me—we were such a happy family. It had been so long already. Mom had the most beautiful smile; I could still see her in my mind. Tears rolled down my cheeks. It hurt so much to be back here. Now I knew why I’d avoided coming back.
After driving around the city, I found our old house. The new owners had taken good care of it, but it didn’t feel like home anymore. Montana, and Grandma’s house, had been my home for a long time now.
Grandma had given me the name and address of the graveyard. Driving there made me agitated. Part of me wanted to go, while the other part didn’t want to face the engraved stone. Their names were tattooed on my heart, and it ached every day to remind me of their passing.
Pulling my truck into the entrance of the graveyard, I parked and then followed the instructions Grandma had written down for me to find the headstones. Every year she made a trip here to visit them, and I’d always found excuses not to come. Guess this was something I had to do on my own terms.
Covered in clouds, the sky was dark and sad. For today, a huge fucking sun would’ve been more than welcome. It would have given me hope rather than the depression that hovered. I could see their names from afar and it hurt. Mom’s light grey stone rested next to Lisa’s small pink one. A beloved mom & wife, it said. Dad loved her so much he bailed when she’d died, so I lost both my parents that day. What a shitty thing to do to your kid.
Kneeling before Mom and Lisa, I didn’t cry so much as sob like a baby. This wasn’t fair. Why had they left me? I wanted them back; I wanted my sister, my mom, and maybe even my dad back. Not once since my mother’s death had I cried like this. Every bone and muscle in my body ached as it started to rain. Again.
Of course, how could I forget? It always rained here.
Exhausted, and now becoming drenched by the rain, I left the graveyard with a broken heart and needing to find a place to spend the night. I would come back tomorrow.