by Amy Clipston
“We’re from Gordonville.” Titus fingered his beard. “Are you related to Eli and Barbie Glick?”
“Ya. They’re my parents.”
“Ach, ya,” Titus said. “I went to school with Eli.”
“Oh.” Joshua nodded. “You grew up in Paradise?”
“I did.” Titus hooked his thumbs on his suspenders. “I moved out to Gordonville after I met my lovely fraa.”
“Dat, this isn’t a social visit. This man dragged Ben in here and started yelling at him.” Carolyn looked annoyed as if her father prattled off topic all the time. “We were talking about Benjamin.”
“Oh, ya. That’s right.” Titus fingered his suspenders. “We were talking about Benjamin. So Ben threw a rock at Joshua’s horse?”
Benjamin shook his head. “No, Robert did it. As usual, I was the one left to take the blame while they ran off. They do this to me all the time.”
“Let’s ask my other grandsons about this.” Titus turned toward a group of boys standing at the other end of the large barn and realized his two grandsons were among them.
“Robert! David! Kumm!”
Two young men, who shared similar hair and eye color to Benjamin’s and looked to be about seventeen, trotted over. Their expressions were tentative.
“Joshua Glick tells me that one of you three young men threw a rock and hit his horse. Which of you did it?” Titus asked the boys.
The two older boys looked at each other and then faced Titus.
“Ben did it, Daadi,” the slightly taller boy said.
“Ya.” The other boy nodded. “Ben did it.”
Joshua looked at Benjamin and found his mouth forming a thin line. He glanced at Carolyn, who gritted her teeth as her cheeks flushed.
“Danki, buwe.” Titus looked at Benjamin as the other two boys hurried off. “Did you lie, Benjamin?”
The boy, who by now Josh gathered was a brother to the other two boys, looked at the toes of his shoes.
Carolyn opened her mouth to speak, and Titus held up his hand. “Carolyn, we’ve been through this before. You need to drop it now, and we’ll discuss it in private later. There’s no need to make a scene. People don’t need to hear our family issues.” He turned to Joshua. “I’m sorry he threw a rock at your horse. We’ll discuss this with him further when we get home tonight.”
Carolyn heaved a deep sigh, and Joshua wondered why she was so disgruntled.
“The bu needs to learn to respect animals,” Titus continued. “Benjamin needs to pay for the vet bill, and he must apologize.”
Benjamin muttered an apology while kicking a stone with his shoe.
Joshua rubbed his chin while an idea brewed in his mind. “I could use some help at my horse farm. He could work it off cleaning the stables.”
Titus raised his bushy white eyebrows. “Ya? We might be able to work something out.” He glanced at the boy. “You should go work on Joshua’s horse farm for a while to repay your debt.”
The boy continued to study his shoe.
“Dat, I don’t think—” Carolyn began.
“Carolyn, I will handle this.” Titus’s words were kind but direct. He turned toward Joshua. “I think it would be a gut idea for Benjamin to work on your farm. He needs to learn responsibility for his actions, and I think your farm would be a gut place to start. As you said, it can be a repayment for your vet bill.”
“Wunderbaar!” Joshua shook the older man’s hand. “How about Monday?”
“Ya,” Titus agreed. “Since Ben is nearly sixteen, he can drive a horse and buggy now. He can get over to your place, no problem. I’ll draw him a map.”
While Titus and Joshua worked out the details, Carolyn put her hand on Benjamin’s shoulder and directed him toward the barn exit. By now, the crowd had dispersed. Joshua watched her slender frame move outside, and he wondered why she was so against the idea of Benjamin working for him and so protective of the boy. He needed to learn a lesson in responsibility. But there seemed to be a family dynamic he was missing. Maybe she was a big sister just looking out for her youngest brother, or maybe she was his aunt. There seemed to be something else going on, but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was.
He knew it wasn’t any of his business, but he was intrigued.
TWO
Carolyn climbed into the van behind Benjamin. “Go all the way to the back,” she whispered to him.
They moved past David and Robert, who shot Benjamin identical smug smiles, confirming her thoughts from earlier—they both lied to get Benjamin in trouble yet again. She knew her seventeen-year-old fraternal twin nephews were menaces, but she couldn’t get her father to listen to her. He was too influenced by her older brother, Amos, who was the boys’ father. And since they all lived on Amos’s dairy farm, Amos ruled the roost like a territorial rooster. He was very proud of his sons and refused to see their bullying ways.
Carolyn settled into a seat at the back of the van next to Benjamin. She hugged her cloak to her body and shivered. Her mother and father climbed into the van and sat up front near her nephews.
Benjamin removed his hat and pushed his blond hair back from his face. “Do I really have to work at that horse farm?” His voice was quiet, and she assumed it was to keep their conversation private. “I don’t even know that man. He doesn’t seem very nice. He’s just going to make me do all the dirty jobs, just like Onkel Amos does.”
Carolyn nodded. “I’m sorry, but ya, you do have to work for Joshua Glick. Your daadi said you have to, and you know you have to obey him.”
Benjamin sighed and glanced toward the window.
She leaned over and touched his arm. “I know you told the truth. I was trying to get your daadi to listen to you. You know that, right? You know I always support you, no matter what Onkel Amos and your cousins say about you.”
“Ya, I do.” He looked back at her. “You always believe me, but Daadi always takes their side.” He nodded toward Robert and David, who were speaking in low voices and laughing a few rows ahead of them.
“I know.” Carolyn glanced toward the front of the van where her brother, Amos, and his wife, Sarah Ann, were settling into seats. “I think your daadi means well, but he’s in a different position since Amos runs the farm where we live.”
“They always get me in trouble,” Benjamin grumbled, slumping in the seat. “Last week I was blamed for tracking mud in Aenti Sarah Ann’s kitchen, and I didn’t even do it. I had taken my boots off before I went into the haus, and they didn’t. Yet I got blamed for it. It’s not fair.”
“I know, mei liewe.” She touched his cheek. She wished she could protect her son from all the heartache in the world, but she knew that wasn’t possible for any mother.
“I don’t think Joshua Glick even likes me.” Benjamin fingered his pants leg while he spoke. “He was very angry when he dragged me into that barn.”
“That’s not right.” Carolyn shook her head, wondering how Joshua would treat her son while he worked on his farm. She watched her nephews whisper and laugh loudly before Amos cautioned them to keep their voices down. Suddenly, a thought occurred to her. Perhaps getting Benjamin away from his misbehaving cousins would be a good thing. She doubted Joshua could possibly be as mean as Ben’s cousins were. “But maybe it will be gut for you.”
Benjamin frowned. “I thought you said you believe me.”
“I do, which is why I think maybe getting away from your cousins will be a gut thing. You won’t have as many chores at the dairy farm since you’ll be working for Joshua Glick full-time, ya?”
Benjamin’s expression brightened slightly. “You’re right. Since I’ll have a full-time job, they will have to take care of all the chores on the farm while I’m gone. They won’t have me around to bully.”
“Exactly.” Carolyn smiled. “Now you see why I’m thinking this will be a gut opportunity for you.”
Carolyn’s sixteen-year-old niece, Rosemary, flopped down on the bench seat in front of them. “What are you two talking a
bout?”
“Nothing,” Benjamin mumbled, looking out the window.
Rosemary raised her eyebrows. Carolyn shook her head as if to say “don’t ask.”
Her niece gestured toward her brothers, and Carolyn nodded.
Rosemary shook her head with understanding. Her niece was the only member of the family who saw what was really going on with David and Robert.
Rosemary leaned over the seat and lowered her voice. “I saw the cutest boy today. He was working with the horses. He was tall and had dark hair and eyes.”
Benjamin rolled his eyes. “Ro, can’t you discuss buwe with mei mamm later when I’m not here?”
“No.” Rosemary smiled. “We need something to talk about. It’s going to be a long ride home.”
“Tell me about it,” Benjamin mumbled.
Carolyn laughed. “You just ignore us, Ben.” She looked at her niece. “You can tell me about the bu, but keep your voice down. You know how your dat gets. He wants to keep you young forever.”
“I know.” This time it was Rosemary who rolled her eyes. She then detailed the cute boy for most of the ride home. Carolyn lost herself in her niece’s story, enjoying the details of the strapping Amish boy. Carolyn prayed Rosemary’s life would remain as uncomplicated as it was now and that her sweet niece wouldn’t make the same mistakes she had when she was sixteen.
Carolyn stood at the sink in her brother’s house and scrubbed a pot while her mother dried the dishes and Sarah Ann swept the floor.
“Benjamin got a job today,” her father said as he sat at the table with Amos.
“He did?” Amos asked. “I thought he was going to keep working for me.”
Carolyn turned toward them. “It wasn’t planned. It just happened.”
“How?” Amos looked intrigued.
Her father explained the story about the rock, and Carolyn continued to scrub the pot with such force that she thought it might break in half. She wanted to tell both her father and her brother that Benjamin was innocent, but she knew it was no use. They would never believe him.
“I see,” Amos said.
Carolyn turned and found her brother rubbing his graying beard. At forty-five, he was a younger, thinner version of their father.
“It’s a gut plan,” Amos said. “He needs to work for Joshua Glick as punishment and to repay his debt for the horse’s wound. That bu needs to learn some respect since he’s always getting into trouble here. Maybe Joshua Glick can get through to him since I can’t seem to get his attention.”
Carolyn held on to the washrag in her hand and looked at her mother, who gave her a warning glance. Her mother could never stand for Carolyn to argue with Amos, so Carolyn vowed to try to not upset her mother. She was thankful the boys and Rosemary had gone outside after supper to finish chores and that Benjamin wasn’t nearby to hear his uncle’s unkind words.
“I think it will be gut for him too,” Dat said.
“I bet he’ll enjoy working on the horse farm.” Sarah Ann smiled while sweeping near the entrance to the mudroom. “Mei daadi had several horses, and mei schweschder and I loved helping to care for them.”
Amos tapped the table in emphasis. “It’s gut, hard work, and that’s what the bu needs.”
“Work can be fun too, Amos.” Sarah Ann continued to smile, and Carolyn wondered how her hard-nosed brother had won the hand of such a sweet wife.
The men discussed the weather while the women finished cleaning up.
Carolyn rinsed the last dish and handed it to her mother. She then wiped the counter and dried her hands on a dish towel as water gurgled and bubbles disappeared down the drain. “Danki for supper, Sarah Ann.”
“Gern gschehne.” Sarah Ann stowed the broom in the closet by the door.
“We’ll see you tomorrow,” Carolyn’s mother said as she put on her cloak.
Sarah Ann hugged Carolyn and then her mother-in-law. “Have a gut night.”
Carolyn hugged her cloak to her body and then followed her parents out to the porch and into the crisp night air. She marveled as they immediately began to hold hands and walk side by side toward their small house, located behind Amos’s large farmhouse. Although her parents had been married for nearly fifty years, they still held hands and gazed at each other from across the room like teenage sweethearts. Carolyn longed to find a true love like her parents had always shared; however, she didn’t believe she was worthy of finding a love like that because of the transgressions she committed when she was a teenager.
“Carolyn.” Amos’s voice sounded from behind her. “I need to talk to you.”
She stayed on the porch, where her brother sidled up to her. “What do you want?” She hoped he wasn’t looking for another chance to put down Benjamin. She couldn’t take any more insults.
“I have someone I want you to meet. His name is Saul Beiler, and he doesn’t live far from here.”
Carolyn’s shoulders tensed. “Why do you want me to meet him?”
“He’s a widower and he has a dochder. He wants to meet you and see if you’ll make a good fraa. He needs a fraa as much as you need a father for Benjamin.” Amos gestured toward Benjamin walking toward the small house he lived in with Carolyn and her parents.
She took a deep breath to calm her soaring temper. “Danki, but I don’t need your help. I can handle dating by myself.”
“No, Carolyn, you can’t.” Amos shook his head. “You’re thirty-one, and you’re not getting any younger. You’ll be blessed to find any man who will accept Benjamin.”
“Amos,” she began, hoping to steady her voice despite her irritation, “I’m not going to settle for a marriage of convenience. I want to marry for love, Amos, just like Mamm and Dat did.”
Amos wagged a large finger at her. “You need to realize you can’t live with Mamm and Dat forever. It’s time for you to move on.”
“Why?” Carolyn glared at him. “I work part-time in the hotel so I can contribute to the family. Benjamin isn’t a burden on anyone. I’ve always cared for him, even though I had him when I was sixteen. I took responsibility for my actions.”
“But the shame still follows you wherever you and Benjamin go. The sooner you’re married, the sooner that shame is forgotten. Besides, Benjamin needs a full-time dat who can guide him and discipline him the way he needs to be disciplined. Today is a prime example of how Benjamin gets in trouble. If he had a father permanently in his life, he would learn how to behave.”
“I think Benjamin is doing just fine.” Carolyn gritted her teeth and tried in vain to keep the tears from stinging her eyes. “I’m sorry you think I’m still bringing shame to the family.”
“Carolyn, just listen to me.” He held up his hands as if to calm her. “I’m only trying to help you and Benjamin. I’m not doing this to hurt you. Saul is a gut Christian man. He is well respected in the district—he might even be a deacon one day. He’ll be a gut father and a gut husband. He makes a decent living and can support you and Benjamin. He’ll also make you and Benjamin respectable in the community.”
Carolyn reluctantly nodded, knowing she had to accept her brother’s guidance since he owned the land on which she and her son lived and that it was no use to argue with him. “Fine. I’ll consider it. Danki for thinking of me. Gut nacht,” she mumbled as she went down the porch steps and started across the field.
As she walked, she glanced up at the glorious sunset, taking in the orange, red, and yellow hues bursting across the sky. She looked toward the three-bedroom house where she lived with her parents and Benjamin. It was the same home where she’d given birth to her son. It was the same home where she had to tell her parents the news that she had given in to her boyfriend’s constant pressure and wound up pregnant at the tender age of sixteen.
Her shoes crunched the frozen ground as she remembered the warm June day when she brought her baby boy into the world. Her life changed forever when she held that beautiful baby in her arms. She could no longer attend youth group events or enjoy buddy d
ays spending time with her best girlfriends. Her childhood evaporated, and she felt alienated, lost somewhere between true adulthood and young adulthood.
She was also heartbroken since her boyfriend had disappeared before she had a chance to tell him that he was going to be a father.
Yet the most painful part of being a teen mother wasn’t the social events she missed or facing motherhood without Ben’s father; it was the way the members of the community regarded her. People began to treat her differently from the moment the news spread of her pregnancy, even before the baby was born. Both male and female members of her church district would shake their heads and frown with sadness in their eyes whenever she walked past them. Women friends and family members would whisper their words of sympathy to Carolyn’s mother well within earshot of Carolyn, causing her eyes to overflow with tears.
The most heartbreaking of all was when her father found out she was going to have a child. He cried, and then he stopped speaking to her for nearly two months. She sobbed and begged him to forgive her, but he remained silent. He eventually forgave her, but their relationship remained strained for years. Carolyn prayed to God, begging him to repair the distance between her father and her, but the distance remained.
She hadn’t been baptized into the church before she had Benjamin, so she didn’t have to confess her sin before the church. However, she decided to join the church after Benjamin was born. She wanted Benjamin to be raised within the stability of the Amish community, and she committed herself to becoming a church member.
Carolyn climbed the steps leading to the front porch of the house as she contemplated her precious son. Although Benjamin inherited Carolyn’s blonde hair and brown eyes, at times she caught glimpses of her former boyfriend’s expressions in his face. It seemed as if the heartache of his abandonment were haunting her through Benjamin’s smiles, but that hurt soon transformed into love, a deeper, more meaningful love than her former boyfriend could ever provide.
Although Benjamin was created in haste and out of wedlock, he was Carolyn’s angel. Raising him without the benefit of a stable marriage was difficult, even grueling at times, but she loved him with all her heart. And she was determined to shield him from all the hurt and shame she’d endured when he was born. Benjamin was innocent despite the mistake that brought him into the world. She constantly reminded him how much she loved him, so that he would never doubt her feelings for him. She never wanted him to carry the blame for or the shame of her mistake.