by Amy Clipston
“Carolyn? Wait a minute,” Joshua called after her. “Carolyn?”
Carolyn rushed out of the house and hurried toward the barn. She found Benjamin, Daniel, and Rosemary standing near the back pasture fence talking.
Carolyn took a deep breath and tried to calm her frayed nerves as she approached them. “Hi.”
Benjamin waved. “Rosemary told us you came along with Daadi today. Where is he?” he asked.
“He’s in the kitchen with Joshua and his visitors.” Carolyn pointed toward the house.
“Josh has visitors?” Daniel looked surprised. “Who’s visiting?”
“His mamm and a young woman named Lena.” Carolyn tried not to frown as she said the names.
“Oh. His mamm stops by a few times a week,” Daniel said.
Carolyn needed to change the subject in an attempt to take her mind off Barbie and Lena. “So, what were you all talking about?”
“Youth gatherings.” Rosemary’s smile was wide. “I was telling Danny he should come back to one of our gatherings. We had a really gut time Sunday night. We played volleyball, and we sang.”
Rosemary continued talking about her youth gatherings while Daniel smiled at her. Carolyn could see their friendship blossoming before her eyes. Although she was happy for her niece, she couldn’t ignore her own disappointment.
She looked back toward the house and watched as Lena and Barbie stood in the doorway saying good-bye to Joshua. She longed to be the one standing on the porch talking to him. Yet she knew she had no right to be there. Joshua deserved a woman without a complicated past.
And the reality drowned Carolyn like a tidal wave—she was naïve to think that a man like Joshua could ever fall in love with her.
Joshua couldn’t believe his mother’s timing. Why did she have to pick this opportunity to come and visit? Perhaps it was almost predictable that she would drag Lena over to his house uninvited at the same time Carolyn would come to see him.
Carolyn had become a permanent vision in his mind since the barn raising last Thursday. But the scene had been awkward when she walked into the kitchen and found his mother and Lena there. Carolyn looked as uncomfortable as he felt.
Joshua had longed to stop her when she rushed out of the house. He felt terrible that she left so quickly, and he wanted to apologize to her. Was she angry with him? He was anxious to find out why she and Titus had come to see him, but he couldn’t figure out how to get his mother to stop talking and leave. After Carolyn went out the back door, his mother prattled on and on about the weather. Titus was a gracious listener as he nodded and fingered his long beard. Joshua, however, suspected Titus, too, was wondering when Mamm would stop talking and leave.
“It was gut seeing you,” Joshua began as he gestured toward the door. “I’m certain I’ll see you again soon.”
“Danki for the tour.” Lena’s smile was genuine. “You have a lovely haus.”
“Danki.” He shook her hand. “Take care, Lena.”
“Oh.” Mamm looked surprised. “I guess we’d better go. Good-bye, Titus.”
Titus nodded at the women as they disappeared through the mudroom and out the back door.
“It’s gut to see you.” Joshua motioned toward the table. “Would you like to have a seat?”
“Danki.” Titus sank into a chair.
“Would you like something to drink?” Joshua offered.
“No, danki. I’m fine.” Titus folded his hands and placed them on the table. “I was in the area visiting the hardware store, so I thought I would stop by to see your farm. I invited Carolyn and Rosemary to come with me.”
“Wunderbaar.” Joshua sat across from him. “I’m glad you came by.”
“Ben really enjoys working here.” Titus fingered his beard again. “I was hoping this would work out for him and he would learn some responsibility and respect.”
“It’s funny that you brought that up.” Joshua settled back in the chair. “I’ve never seen a behavior problem with Ben. In fact, he’s been very respectful to Danny, the animals, and me. I don’t think he’s a problem at all.” He paused to choose his words. “To be honest with you, I don’t think Ben is the one with the behavior problem. I think it’s the other buwe.”
Titus leaned forward. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I don’t think Ben threw that rock at my horse. I believe the other buwe set him up to get into trouble.” He paused again, hoping he wasn’t overstepping his bounds. “Ben loves the animals. He’s gentle and respectful to the horses. I don’t believe he would ever deliberately hurt them. Also, from what I’ve heard, I think they do this to him frequently.”
“Who told you that?”
“Ben did.”
Titus was silent for a moment as if contemplating the accusation. “I’ve heard this before from Carolyn, but I thought she was only making excuses for the bu. I’ll have to look into this.”
Joshua held back a sigh of relief. He was hoping he didn’t upset the man by telling him two of his grandsons were troublemakers. He was thankful Titus took the news well and also respected his opinion.
“I won’t keep you long. I know you have work to do.” Titus stood. “But I’d love to take a tour of your farm.”
“Of course.” Joshua stood. “I’ll give you a tour, and we can see where everyone else is.”
Joshua led Titus out to the farm, where he showed him the stables and barns before they encountered Carolyn, Daniel, Benjamin, and Rosemary talking by the fence. Joshua tried to make eye contact with Carolyn, but she quickly looked away when she saw him approaching. His heart was breaking while he wondered what was wrong. Had he offended her? Or, even more likely, had his mamm offended her? He longed to talk to her alone, but he knew that wasn’t possible with her father standing nearby. It would be inappropriate for an unmarried couple to be alone.
Rosemary gave Titus an eager smile. “Ben showed me around earlier. Did Josh show you the farm?”
“He did.” Titus looped his thumbs in his suspenders. “It’s schee, just like Ben said.” He turned to Benjamin.
“I told you it was great.” Benjamin’s expression brightened.
Titus turned to Joshua. “Danki for the tour. I better get back home.” He shook Joshua’s hand. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Good-bye.” Joshua turned to Carolyn, who gave him a quick nod before rushing past him and walking beside her father. He wanted to run after her, but he knew that would be inappropriate. Her rejection was crushing his heart, and he couldn’t stand the pain. He’d never experienced anything like this, not even when Hannah rejected him.
“I better get back to work.” Benjamin started up the rock path toward the stables.
Daniel climbed over the fence and started toward the horses.
“Danny. Wait.” Joshua called him back.
Daniel came back to the fence. “What do you need?”
“I need advice.” Joshua sighed and shook his head. “I feel gegisch.” He turned toward the driveway and watched the buggy disappear from sight. “It’s been a long time since I dated.”
Daniel’s eyebrows flew toward his hairline. “You need dating advice? I don’t know much. I’ve only just started dating recently.”
“But you’ve dated a little bit, right?”
“I have, but only a couple of maed.” Daniel leaned on the fence and chuckled a little. “Is this about Lena?”
“No, no.” Joshua waved off the question. “It’s not about Lena at all.”
“Then who is it?”
Joshua paused. He felt silly asking a nineteen-year-old advice about women.
“It’s Carolyn!” Daniel clapped his hands. “I had a feeling you liked her. You two seem to light up when you’re together.”
“You’re right. It’s Carolyn. How do I make her see that I care about her?”
Daniel shrugged. “That’s easy. You need to tell her.”
“Really? That’s all I need to do?”
“Ya.” Daniel shook his head. �
�It’s been a very long time since you’ve dated, hasn’t it?”
“Ya, it has.”
“In my very limited experience, I’ve found maed like to discuss their feelings. They want to talk about everything.” Daniel tapped the fence. “Just tell her how you feel, and she’ll realize that she can trust you. Maed want trust.”
“Danki.” Joshua turned to go but then faced Daniel once again. “And we never had this conversation, understand?”
Daniel laughed. “Absolutely. Your secret is safe with me.”
“Back to work. I’m going to work on the books. Hopefully I won’t be interrupted again.” Joshua headed toward the house as a plan surfaced in his mind. He would go to Benjamin’s house later in the evening with the excuse of needing to discuss the job with his parents. Although the job would be the excuse, his true purpose for the visit would be to see Carolyn and tell her how he felt about her.
He just needed to figure out how he could possibly tell her his true feelings when he’d guarded his heart for so long. He needed to pray for the words.
FIFTEEN
Carolyn stood at the stove while stirring mashed potatoes. Her mind was stuck on the vision of Lena and Barbie in Joshua’s kitchen earlier in the day. Feelings of embarrassment and regret haunted her. She silently berated herself for acting like a desperate teenager by running over to Joshua’s farm with lame excuses to see him. She needed to stop chasing her far-fetched dreams and instead step back and wait for God to lead her to the right suitor and future husband. She couldn’t stop wondering if she was missing the signs that were leading her to Saul instead of Joshua.
“Carolyn.” Mamm’s voice broke through her mental rant. “I can’t stand this silence. What’s bothering you, mei liewe?”
Carolyn kept her gaze focused on her pot of potatoes. “I’m fine. Danki, Mamm.” Her voice was thick with emotion.
Mamm came up behind her and touched her shoulder. “Please talk to me and let me help you.”
Carolyn shook her head. “Honestly, I’m okay.”
“No, you’re not. Look at me, mei liewe.”
Carolyn faced her mother and her lip quivered. “I’m too embarrassed to tell you.”
“Just tell me. You know you can tell me anything.” Her mother gestured toward the table. “Let’s talk for a minute. We have some time before your dat will be hungry and Ben will be home.”
Carolyn sat across from her mother at the table and shared the whole story about what happened when she went to see Joshua. “I just feel so immature. I know I’m not supposed to chase after men, and I feel like I’ve been running after him and trying to make something out of nothing. We’re just freinden. He doesn’t even know the truth about Ben, so why am I kidding myself that he could possibly want to have a relationship with me?”
Mamm shook her head. “You’re doing exactly what I told you not to. You’re letting your old mistake ruin your whole life. If Josh is truly a gut man, he will forgive you just like God and the rest of the community have forgiven you. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I think he’s already seeing Lena, so I’m wasting my time and my emotions on a man who’s already out of reach. Lena looks at Josh like he’s the greatest man in the world. She has love in her eyes for him. I think I’m too late.”
“If he’s already seeing Lena, then you will find someone else. You’re still young enough to get married and have a family. Don’t rush God’s plan for you.” Mamm smiled. “Do you feel any better?”
“Ya.” Carolyn forced a smile, but she was telling a white lie. She didn’t feel any better. She still felt immature and disappointed.
“Let’s finish getting ready to eat.” Mamm moved back to the stove. “You can set the table, and I’ll check on the meat loaf.”
Carolyn busied herself with preparing for supper, but her thoughts were still stuck on Joshua. Soon her father came in from helping Amos with the cows. He kissed her mother’s cheek before disappearing into the bedroom. Carolyn wondered if she’d ever find a man who would kiss her every time he came into the house and smile at her from across the room. But that seemed more like a daydream than what could one day become a reality.
She set cups on the table and then placed the pot of potatoes, a bowl of carrots, and a loaf of bread on the table. She was retrieving the butter from the refrigerator when the back door opened with a squeak and Benjamin burst into the kitchen.
“Hello!” he called as he headed back to his bedroom. “Supper smells appeditlich.”
Carolyn looked at her mother and grinned. “He’s in a gut mood.”
“I guess that means he had a gut day,” her mother added.
They finished their preparations just as Benjamin and Titus entered the kitchen. They each took their usual seats at the table, and after praying, they filled their plates and began to eat.
“I have wunderbaar news,” Benjamin began as he lifted his cup of water.
“What is it?” Carolyn asked.
“Joshua wants me to stay on at the farm.” Benjamin’s voice was full of excitement. “He wants to hire me on permanently.”
Carolyn smiled, and her mother clapped her hands.
“I’m froh to hear that,” Titus said. “Did you tell him that you want to do it?”
Benjamin nodded as he finished chewing. “He told me to discuss it with you and Mamm and then give him my answer.” He rattled off the salary and other details while Carolyn silently thanked God for her son’s opportunity.
“That sounds gut,” Titus said as he sliced the meat. He turned to Carolyn. “Do you approve?”
“Of course I do,” she said quickly. “This is a fantastic opportunity for Ben. If he wants the job, then I support it.”
“Danki,” Benjamin told her with a wide smile. “I can’t wait to tell him.” He continued talking about the job while they ate.
“Do I hear a buggy?” her mother suddenly asked.
“I heard it too.” Benjamin popped up from the table, crossed to the door, and stepped out onto the porch.
“I’m so thankful for this opportunity for him,” Carolyn told her parents. “I’ve been praying—” She stopped speaking when the back door opened. She angled her body toward the door and was surprised when she saw Joshua coming into the kitchen with a cautious expression. “Josh?” Confusion flooded her. Why was he here? What did he want?
“Hi.” He gave her a little wave. “I’m sorry for barging in. I didn’t mean to interrupt your supper.”
“Don’t be gegisch,” Dat said. “Have a seat and join us.”
“Oh, no, I don’t want to impose.” Joshua took a step back toward the door. “I’ll come back.”
“Josh, stay for supper.” Her mother pointed toward the table. “We’ll set a place for you.”
“Oh, no.” He shook his head. “I can’t let you do that.”
“No, no.” Her mother smiled. “I insist you stay. I’ve heard a lot of wunderbaar things about you.”
I can’t believe Mamm just said that! Carolyn hoped Joshua didn’t see her cheeks heat in response to her mother’s words.
“Danki.” Joshua hung his straw hat and coat on a peg by the back door. “I would like to wash up a little. May I use your bathroom?”
“Of course.” Carolyn pointed toward the hallway off the kitchen. “The bathroom is the second door on the left.”
“Danki.”
Carolyn retrieved a place setting for Joshua while Benjamin filled a cup with water.
Joshua soon returned and sat at the table next to Benjamin, and Carolyn sat next to her mother and across from him. After praying, he smiled at Carolyn, and her heart raced. She tried to temper her emotion by looking away, but the attraction kept her pulse racing.
“Everything is appeditlich,” Dat said. “I’m froh you came to join us tonight, Josh. What brought you all the way out here?”
“I wanted to discuss hiring Ben on permanently.” Joshua glanced at Benjamin, who smiled, then looked again at Dat. “I’m fr
oh with his work and don’t want to lose him. So I came over to see your son—Amos, right? But no one was home.”
Carolyn looked up at her father and froze, and she was sure her mother had as well. But Dat hesitated for only a moment before he said, “That’s okay. You and I can talk about it after supper.”
“That sounds gut,” Joshua said.
Carolyn was relieved as well as grateful to her father. She needed to be the one to tell Josh about Ben, and it seemed that Dat agreed. Benjamin began sharing stories about the farm and Joshua joined in. Soon she found herself laughing along with them while they talked about Benjamin’s mishaps while learning how to train the horses. Her father also joined in and shared stories of growing up on his father’s dairy farm.
Soon the dinner was over, and Carolyn was impressed by how well Joshua fit in with her family. The dinner was very different from the one she’d shared at Saul’s house, where he’d hardly spoken.
Carolyn and her mother cleared away the platters and then served coffee along with the pies Carolyn had baked earlier in the day. The conversation continued during dessert, and Carolyn noticed Joshua frequently looked over at her. Her pulse skittered every time he made eye contact with her. She tried to suppress her feelings, but the emotions were strong, stronger than anything she had ever felt for Benjamin’s father.
Once dessert was finished, Carolyn and her mother took care of cleaning up the kitchen while Benjamin went out to care for the animals. Her father and Joshua excused themselves and headed to the porch to talk. Carolyn heard a horse and buggy, and she surmised her brother had returned home. She hoped nothing would come up during their conversation to make Josh wonder about Ben’s parentage. She hated for her father to have to keep covering for her. She was afraid to tell Josh the truth, but tonight’s close call brought home to her what she must find the courage to do.
“He’s awfully nice.” Mamm scrubbed a pot in the frothy water. “It’s obvious that he likes Ben.”
“Ya.” Carolyn wiped the crumbs from the table into her palm. “Ben enjoys working for him.”
“He’s quite handsome, Carolyn. I can see why you like him. And I think he likes you.”