by Amy Clipston
“Ya,” she said with his disappointment reflected in her eyes. Was she just as disappointed as he was that their evening together was over?
Joshua climbed out of the buggy and met her in front of the horse. “Danki for your help tonight. You were a wunderbaar assistant.” He touched her hand. “Gut nacht.”
“Gut nacht.” She gazed up at him, and for the second time tonight, he was overpowered by the urge to kiss her. He had to get out of there before he gave in to that urge and crossed a line that could cause her to push him away. He had to take this slow despite his longing to ask her to marry him.
Marry?
The word coursed through him and it felt right. The idea of marrying Carolyn Lapp felt right.
“I hope to see you soon,” Carolyn said.
“You will,” Joshua promised before heading to the buggy. He waved as he guided the horse back down her driveway. He spent the ride home smiling and thanking God for leading him to Carolyn Lapp.
Carolyn waved as Joshua’s buggy disappeared into the darkness of her driveway. She sighed and hugged her middle while contemplating her wonderful evening with him.
“Carolyn!” Her brother’s voice bellowed from the porch behind her.
She gasped as she spun to face the house. “Amos?” She made her way to the porch and found his silhouette sitting there. She stepped into the light glowing from two lanterns. Amos had been waiting for her. “Why are you still up?”
“Rosemary was worried about you. She said you were going to be home shortly after she arrived.” Amos’s stare hardened. “She said you wanted to finish planting before the rain. It seems it would be difficult to plant in the dark.”
“It’s not how it looks,” Carolyn insisted as she climbed the porch steps. “Josh had a mare that was having trouble giving birth. The veterinarian who lives across the street from him was out of town, and Joshua needed help. I only stayed because Daniel and Benjamin had already left when the mare took a turn for the worse. I offered to help him because I once helped Daadi with a foal when you and Dat were gone. That’s it. There was nothing inappropriate going on between us.”
“You were alone with a man, Carolyn. You’re both unmarried. It looks bad no matter how many excuses you list.” Amos shook his head. “This isn’t gut at all. Do you know how this makes Mamm and Dat look? They’ve already had to defend you once. How will they feel if they have to make excuses for you again?”
Carolyn’s annoyance boiled into anger. “I never asked anyone to make excuses for me. I made a mistake, one mistake, and I faced raising Benjamin alone head-on, without his father to help me.” She shook a finger at her brother. “And everyone forgave me except for you. You’ve never let me forget it. In fact, you’ve reminded me about the mistake every moment you’ve had a chance to throw it in my face.”
Amos glared at her.
“I’m going to bed now. Gut nacht.” She started to open the front door.
“Wait.” Amos stood. “I’m not done talking to you.”
She faced him, hoping to finally get an apology from him after fifteen years of listening to his criticism.
“You do realize that you could ruin your chances with Saul if you’re not careful. He came to visit you tonight.” He gestured to where Saul had apparently been sitting. “When I went out to check on the animals, I found him waiting on the porch for you. He asked where you were, and I told him you were at Joshua Glick’s farm.”
“Danki for telling him the truth.” She pushed the door open. “I’ve done nothing wrong. I was helping Josh with his mare.”
“You have feelings for Joshua, don’t you?”
She nodded. “I do, but Saul is a gut man too.”
“Does Joshua know about Benjamin?”
“I’m going to tell him.” Carolyn’s voice was hesitant.
“You need to tell him the truth.” He stood and started toward the porch steps.
“I will in my own time. It’s my business when I tell him.” She hoped her voice was confident this time, despite her frayed nerves.
As she watched Amos walk to his house, Carolyn leaned against the door frame. She was emotionally and physically exhausted after helping with the foal, hugging Joshua, and then coming home to her judgmental brother and his accusations. Her mind was swimming with excitement for Joshua and agitation toward Amos. She needed to rest and sort through all the confusing feelings. She found herself torn by her love for Joshua and the practicality and kindness Saul could offer her. With which man did she belong?
Despite all the confusion, Carolyn knew one thing for certain—she was falling head over heels in love with Joshua Glick, and she prayed he felt the same way about her.
Joshua was checking on Daisy and Miracle the following afternoon when his mother marched into the stable.
Mamm slammed her hands on her wide hips and glared at him. “What’s this I hear about Carolyn Lapp staying here all night with you?”
“Hi, Mamm. Wie geht’s?” He leaned against the stall door and deliberately ignored her question. Nothing was going to ruin his good mood. He was still flying high after his evening with Carolyn.
“Don’t get sarcastic with me, Joshua!” She eyed him with discontentment. “I heard from neighbors that you took Carolyn home very late last night. Apparently she was over here with you alone. What happened?”
Her accusatory tone caused resentment to heat up inside him despite his determination to hold on to his good mood. “Do you see that schee foal?” He pointed toward Miracle.
“Ya.” She shrugged. “I’ve seen many schee foals in my lifetime. You’re avoiding my question, Joshua, and I’m getting impatient. I want to know what happened.”
“I’m telling you what happened. You need to be quiet and listen for once.”
She flinched.
“That foal was in trouble last night while Daisy was trying to give birth. Cameron Wood, the veterinarian who lives across the road, wasn’t home, and Danny and Ben had already gone home. Carolyn was here working on my garden—at my request.” He gestured toward Daisy as Miracle suckled. “I had no help, and Carolyn was gracious enough to stay and help me with Daisy.”
“Do I look stupid?” Mamm looked unconvinced. “You’ve helped many mares foal over the years. Why would you need that maedel to help you?”
Joshua took a step toward her. “Mamm, I had to turn Miracle, and then he wasn’t breathing when he was born. I had to do CPR. I needed help. Stop assuming the worst about Carolyn Lapp. She means a lot to me.”
His mother gasped. “You have no right to talk to me that way, Joshua.”
“And you have no right to make accusations about Carolyn. She was a wonderful help to me. Nothing inappropriate happened here last night. We both witnessed a birth. She helped me clean up, and then I took her home. That’s all that happened, and I was thankful she was here.”
Mamm lifted her chin and studied him. “You need to be careful about perception. People get the wrong idea sometimes.”
“I can’t stop what people say or what they think. I can only tell you the truth.” He turned back toward the horses.
“I guess you’re interested in this Carolyn Lapp then.” Her voice brimmed with disappointment.
He looked back over his shoulder at her. “Ya, I am.”
“Have you told her that you care about her?”
“Not yet, but I think she knows.” He studied her expression. “Why are you asking me about her?”
“I know Lena cares for you.” Her expression became hopeful. “You know she’s waiting for you, right? She would make a much better wife for you.”
“Actually, that’s not true.” He sighed and ran his hand down his face. “Mamm, I’ve told you more than once that I’m not interested in Lena. I don’t know how else I can make you understand this.”
“I understand, but Lena is going to be crushed.”
“No, she’s not. Lena told me that she’s not interested in dating me.” Joshua shook his head. “She alread
y said she only wants to be friends.”
“She did?” His mother looked stunned.
“I’m surprised she didn’t tell you that. She’s probably dating someone else.”
“Well, I’m surprised to hear this,” Mamm said, obviously struggling to take in this new information. After a moment she said, “I’m going back into the house to start supper for you.”
“Mamm, you don’t need to make me supper. I can fend for myself.”
“No, no.” She smiled at him. “I don’t mind.”
Mamm hurried out of the stable, and he stared after her, pondering why her mood had suddenly brightened. He shrugged and then looked back at the mare and foal while remembering the previous evening. He smiled as he thought of the hug and almost kiss he’d shared with Carolyn. He couldn’t wait to see her again.
Barbie headed toward the house. Although she’d tried to act as if she was fine, she was fuming on the inside. She’d hoped the gossip wasn’t true when her neighbor told her that she’d seen Joshua taking Carolyn home late last night. Barbie believed her son when he said nothing inappropriate happened, but she knew the gossip would probably spread throughout the community. She needed to find a way to convince Joshua that Carolyn wasn’t the right woman for him. She wasn’t certain what that would take, but she believed she still had a chance. After all, Joshua and Carolyn weren’t married yet!
She climbed the porch steps while trying to think of a plan. She would find a way to keep them apart. She was determined to get a more compliant daughter-in-law this time. Somehow she would make that happen.
NINETEEN
Carolyn smiled as she worked in her garden at home on a Thursday morning. The warm April sun warmed the back of her neck and the colorful flowers seemed to smile back at her.
For the past two weeks, in keeping with the Amish dating tradition for older singles, Joshua had come to visit her multiple times in the evening after her parents were asleep. He had also come for supper and stayed to play games with her parents, Benjamin, and her. And she’d spent time over at his farm tending to the garden with Rosemary’s assistance. The vegetables were starting to sprout, just like their relationship.
Her family approved of him, and even though he hadn’t officially asked her, it seemed as if he wanted to date her. She was so happy that she found herself humming and smiling constantly. She had never been so happy. She was so thankful she’d found someone who shared similar hopes and dreams. Joshua seemed perfect. He was funny and sweet, and most importantly, he was kind to Benjamin. He was the man she’d been praying she’d meet her whole adult life.
Yet one problem remained—she hadn’t yet confessed to him that Benjamin was her son. She needed to tell him soon, but it never seemed like the appropriate time.
Her smile disappeared as she admitted her excuse wasn’t the truth. She’d had plenty of opportunities to tell Joshua about Benjamin, but she was terrified the revelation would scare him away and she’d be back to where she started—alone. He hadn’t even clearly indicated he thought she was Benjamin’s aunt so that it would only be right to correct him.
She felt like a coward when she realized she’d been almost hoping her being Ben’s mother would come up if, in Joshua’s presence, Benjamin called her Mamm or her parents referred to her as his mother. With other people around, he’d be forced to take it in calmly and think about how much Ben meant to her. Hopefully he would be more likely to forgive her for waiting so long to tell him with her family supporting her and less inclined to immediately dismiss their growing relationship. But her family seemed to be waiting for her to do the right thing—tell him herself. And telling him herself was the right thing. It was what Joshua deserved.
Carolyn pulled another weed while she contemplated the problem. She promised herself that she would tell him as soon as she could. She’d instructed Benjamin to ask Joshua to follow him home and stay for supper tonight.
Tonight would be the night when she opened up and told Joshua the truth about her childhood and the truth about her son. She planned to tell him after supper. She’d get him alone and then she’d break the news. She held on to her faith that Joshua would understand and forgive her just like her mother had. Surely his love was strong enough to see past her faults.
While she finished up her weeding, she sent up a special prayer to God, asking him to guide her words when she confessed the truth, and she prayed for the strength to find the right opportunity tonight.
Carolyn sat across from Joshua while they ate roast beef, potatoes, and carrots. She laughed while he and her father traded stories about funny farm mishaps.
She couldn’t stop thinking how perfectly Joshua fit into her family. She dreamed of marrying Joshua and living on the farm with him and Benjamin. They would invite her parents over for supper and also come back to visit her parents while they continued to live in the daadi haus on her brother’s farm. Life would be perfect, especially if they were blessed with more children.
Carolyn allowed that fantasy to play through her mind while they ate chocolate cake and later played Scrabble with Benjamin. The evening was perfect, and she couldn’t keep herself from smiling.
After the second round of Scrabble, Carolyn put the game away and then walked Joshua to the door. “I had a nice evening.”
“I did too.” He took her hand in his, and her heart turned over in her chest. “Would you like to take a walk with me?”
“Ya.” She grabbed her cloak while he pulled on his hat.
They walked out toward the barn, and he continued to hold her hand. She looked up at the bright stars twinkling in the clear sky.
“It’s a schee night,” she said.
“Ya, it is.” He stopped by a bench near the barn. “Want to sit for a minute?”
“That would be nice.” She sank onto the bench beside him.
He looked up at the sky. “Did I ever tell you about Hannah?”
“No.” She shook her head and looked down at their hands, fingers still intertwined. “You haven’t.”
“I saw her at a singing when we were teenagers,” he began. “Well, we grew up together, but I didn’t really notice her until we were older. I thought I saw her first, but mei bruder was the one who asked her to date him before I had a chance.”
He kept his eyes focused on the sky, and Carolyn assumed it was difficult for him to open up to her. She studied his chiseled profile and admired how attractive he was.
“I loved her,” he continued. “At least, I thought I did, but I wasn’t angry when she and Gideon fell in love with each other. I wasn’t jealous when they were married or when they had their three kinner.” He turned toward her, and she spotted sadness in his powder blue eyes. “I was heartbroken when Gideon died. I felt like someone had punched a hole in my heart.”
“I’m so sorry,” Carolyn whispered as tears threatened her vision.
“I thought I would never recover. He was my best friend all my life, and then he was gone.” Joshua’s voice was thick with emotion. “It was like everything changed in only a few hours. I was running a business by myself. Hannah still owned his half, but she could only take care of the books. She couldn’t actually help me with the horses and all the chores he used to do.”
She nodded.
“And then I thought that maybe I could finally have a chance with Hannah. I still loved her, and I loved her kinner as if they were my own. I thought we could be a family.” He turned back toward the house. “But that was a silly idea. Hannah never loved me, and then she met that Englisher at the hotel and fell in love with him. When she moved out of the haus, I lost her and my niece and nephew. My other niece, Lillian, lives with my parents now. She’s the teacher at the school near their haus. I see Lily all the time, but I rarely see Amanda or Andrew now that they’re English.”
“That has to be so difficult,” Carolyn said while marveling at how much he was sharing with her. She felt as if he were opening his soul and letting her in.
“It is.” He gave h
er hand a gentle squeeze. “My nephew, Andrew, used to work with me on the farm, and he said he wanted to be my partner someday just like his dat was. Now he lives with Hannah and her new husband. I see him when he visits my mamm’s haus, but he rarely comes to the farm.”
He stared at their hands and was silent for a moment. “I was heartbroken when Hannah left. Until I met you.”
Joshua looked up at her, and the intensity in his eyes caused her pulse to race. “You changed everything, Carolyn. You made my heart beat again. You gave me hope. You brought me back to life.” He ran his thumb down her cheekbone, and she couldn’t breathe for a moment. “You’re the reason I can smile again. Danki, Carolyn, for teaching me how to smile again.”
“Gern gschehne,” she whispered with emotion choking back her words. She knew she had to tell him the truth now. This was the perfect time. Yet she hesitated as the words escaped her. She didn’t know how to confess to him that she was a mother.
Carolyn knew she had to just say it. She had to tell him that Benjamin was her son. It was now or never. She opened her mouth to speak just as her brother walked toward the barn.
“Carolyn?” Amos asked.
“Amos.” Carolyn let go of Joshua’s hand and jumped up to her feet as worry coursed through her. She’d been caught with Joshua again. She was certain Amos was going to tell her father they’d been holding hands. “Josh and I were talking. He came for supper and then stayed to play a few games.”
“Oh.” Amos rubbed his long beard.
“You have a few beautiful horses on your farm,” Joshua said. “I was admiring them the last time I was here.”
“Danki. I’ve heard you have some schee horses as well,” Amos said. “Benjamin likes to talk about your farm all the time.”