by Amy Clipston
“Hi, Mamm.” He carried his bowl of macaroni and cheese to the table. “Would you like something to eat?” He sat at the table and bowed his head in prayer.
When he finished, Mamm sat beside him and shook her head. “You’re not going to feel like eating after I share the news I heard today. You have to listen to me.”
Joshua gave in to her dramatic expression and pushed his bowl away. “You have my attention. I’m listening.”
“Your dat told me you’re in love with Carolyn Lapp and you’re going to ask her to marry you.”
“That’s right.” He nodded his head. “I’m going to ask her tonight.”
“I need to tell you something before you do that.”
“You’re not going to change my mind.” Joshua frowned at her. “If you’re here to talk me out of it, then you can just forget it.”
“Just listen to me, Josh.” Mamm paused and took a deep breath. “Did you know that Benjamin isn’t Carolyn’s nephew?”
“What are you saying?”
“Benjamin is Carolyn’s son.” His mother said the words slowly. “She had him when she was only sixteen. Carolyn is an unwed mutter.”
Joshua stared at her as the words soaked through him. “That can’t be true.”
Mamm nodded. “Ya, it is. I ran into Sarah Ann today at the grocery store, and she told me. I know it’s true.”
His mouth gaped, and he felt as if the world were spinning out of control. “That can’t be true. It just can’t be true.”
“Sarah Ann thought you already knew.” Mamm shook her head. “She thought Carolyn told you.”
“Why didn’t she tell me?” He whispered the question as he raked his fingers through his hair.
“Carolyn isn’t the maedel you thought she was. She hasn’t been truthful with you, Josh. She’s not gut for you.”
“I don’t understand.” Joshua shook his head. “I trusted her. I told her everything. Why wouldn’t she tell me something so important?” He felt all of his dreams crumbling around him while the happiness that had been blossoming inside him disappeared in an instant.
How could everything go so wrong so quickly?
Carolyn guided the horse up the driveway, where she spotted Barbie standing by a horse and buggy. Joshua stood on the porch and stared toward her. Carolyn’s blood ran cold. She stopped the horse, climbed out, and faced Barbie, who gave her a smug smile.
“You’re too late,” Barbie said as she approached her. “Joshua knows the truth about you. Your sister-in-law told me all about how you had Benjamin when you were a teenager and your boyfriend left you. I shared everything with Joshua and now he doesn’t want you.”
Carolyn stood up straighter as confidence mixed with fury surged through her. “I don’t think it’s your place to decide what’s best for Joshua.”
Barbie shook her head slowly. “No, it’s not my place, but I know my son. He’s devastated that you never told him the truth. Were you too ashamed to tell him about your past? Is that why you let him think Benjamin was your nephew instead of your son?”
“No, I’m not ashamed.” Carolyn took a step closer to her. “Ya, I made a mistake, but I was young, and my family and my community forgave me. God forgave me. And I’m tired of having to justify something that happened to me nearly sixteen years ago. Not you or anyone else is going to make me keep feeling bad about it.”
“Carolyn,” Joshua said as he walked up behind her. “Is it true?” His sad, wilted expression caused Carolyn’s heart to crumble. “Is Benjamin your son?” he asked, his voice hoarse and thick with emotion.
“Ya, he is.” Carolyn nodded as a lump swelled in her throat and her stomach began to churn. “Can we talk alone?”
“Is that really necessary now that the truth is out?” Barbie rested her hands on her wide hips and glared at Carolyn.
“That’s enough, Mamm,” Joshua said. He turned to Carolyn. “Ya, we can talk in there.” He gestured toward the barn, and they walked toward it together. Almost inside, Carolyn tried to explain.
“I wanted to tell you.” Carolyn hoped she could temper her growing sadness. “I was going to the other night, but Amos interrupted us.”
He stopped just inside the door and faced her, his expression transforming from hurt to anger. “I don’t understand why you weren’t honest with me. I told you everything. I poured my heart out to you, but you couldn’t tell me the one most important secret of all, that you’re a mamm.”
“You have to believe that I wanted to tell you, Josh.” She laced her fingers together as if she were praying. “But you have to understand that I’ve dealt with so much hurt. I’ve spent my whole adult life trying to protect Ben from the judgment I’ve faced nearly every day since I was sixteen. I made one mistake that changed my whole life, and people feel it’s their right to talk about me behind my back and call me names that aren’t even true.”
“But I’m not other people, Carolyn.” He pointed to his chest. “I care about you. I care about Ben, but you couldn’t have the decency to tell me the whole truth.”
“I was going to tell you.”
“When, Carolyn?” His voice rose. “When were you going to tell me?”
“Soon. I was planning to tell you the next time I saw you.” When his expression remained unchanged, Carolyn shook her head. “Why isn’t that gut enough for you?”
“I don’t know.” He let his hands hit his thighs. “This changes everything.”
“Why does it have to change everything? I’m being honest with you right now, Josh. I’m telling you the whole truth.” She studied his eyes. “It’s her, isn’t it? It’s your mamm.”
“No.” He shook his head. “That’s not true.”
“Ya, it is. She told you to reject me because I made one mistake.” Her voice wavered as she realized she was losing him even though she’d thought he loved her. “It’s people like your mamm who judge me and my precious son for my one mistake—they’re the ones I’ve had to protect Benjamin from. Ben is a gut bu. He doesn’t deserve to be treated differently because of the way he came into this world. He deserves to be treated with the same respect as anyone else. But there are still people like her who enjoy criticizing Ben and me.”
“I’m not one of those people.” Joshua shook his head. “I’m hurt because you didn’t tell me.” He paused for a moment as if contemplating something. “I thought he spent a lot of time at the daadi haus because he was close to you and his grandparents, but now it all makes sense. When I told Ben to talk to his parents about working full-time here, he hesitated. He didn’t correct me, so I guess he’s used to lying about all this.”
“No, he didn’t lie to you, and he’s not used to lying either. I told him he could let people believe what they wanted as long as it didn’t hurt him. His biological dat was a bu I met and thought I loved when I worked at a market in Philadelphia. He pressured me into being with him. He wanted me to go to Missouri with him, but I couldn’t do it. I found out I was going to have Ben after his dat left me. My parents were my biggest supporters. They stood by Ben and me despite what some other members of our community said. I was baptized into the faith after I had Ben, and I’ve been true to my Amish vows.” She stood up straighter as a surge of confidence overtook her despite her growing heartache. “Your problem is that you let your mamm run your life.”
“This isn’t about mei mamm. This is about us.” Joshua gestured at her and then back at him. “This is about you telling me the truth. I told you everything about me. I told you things I had never said aloud to anyone before. You have it backward. You couldn’t trust me.”
“You forgive me for making a mistake as a teenager but you won’t forgive me for being too afraid I’d lose you to tell you the truth about Ben weeks ago?”
“I don’t know what to say, Carolyn.” Joshua shook his head. “I’m really hurt that you didn’t have the courage to tell me after I poured my heart out to you more than once.”
They stared at each other as an awkward
moment passed. Carolyn could see his eyes hardening as the stubborn, cold man she’d met at the auction replaced the warm, funny man who had hugged her after his miracle foal was born.
“So where does this leave us?” he finally asked, his voice sharp and cold.
“I guess it’s over,” she whispered, her words choking on her heartbreak. “Good-bye, Joshua.”
“Good-bye, Carolyn.” He looked toward the pasture.
She started toward her buggy and then stopped and faced him. “Joshua,” she called, and he faced her. “You once asked me why I liked working at the hotel. The truth is that I like working at the hotel because it gives me a chance to get away from judgmental members of the community like your mother.”
Joshua stared at her, and she was almost certain she saw a tear in his eye. When he didn’t respond to her comment, she knew it was time to leave and go back to her lonely life at her brother’s farm.
Carolyn kept her head high as she stalked past Barbie and climbed into the buggy. She held back her tears until the horse pulled onto the main road, then she cried all the way home until she ran out of tears.
Joshua felt as if his hopes, dreams, and future were slipping away from him as Carolyn’s buggy headed toward the main road. He wanted to run after her and tell her that he loved her and wanted to marry her. He longed to beg her to come back and then hug and kiss her until she was breathless.
Instead, he stood cemented in place as his pride held him back.
His mother’s voice broke through his thoughts. “You’re better off without her. I know it hurts, but it’s best you found out the truth before you married her. It would’ve been terrible if you’d taken her as your fraa and then found out that she had a son. Trust me, it’s better this way. In fact, I’m certain you’ll meet someone who will be a better match for you.”
Joshua glared at his mother. “You need to go home.”
She gasped. “What? You don’t mean that.”
“Ya, I do. Please go home. You’ve done enough damage.” He turned and walked toward the barn. He looked over his shoulder a few minutes later and spotted his mother’s buggy traveling toward the road.
Once he was certain his mother was gone, Joshua stepped into the barn, dropped to his knees, and covered his face with his hands. He leaned forward and closed his eyes as tears flooded them.
He felt as if the walls were crumbling in on him and all his plans were flittering away like pieces of paper caught in a tornado. All the dreams he’d had for a life with Carolyn were gone in the blink of an eye. He’d found someone to love, and the loneliness that had haunted him since Gideon died and Hannah left had finally disappeared. Yet now Carolyn was gone, and the loneliness was strangling him, consuming him, tighter and stronger than ever before.
Feeling as if he’d reached rock bottom, Joshua opened his heart and began to pray.
“God, please show me the right path,” he whispered, his voice sounding weak and foreign to him. “I thought Carolyn was the one, but now I’m confused. In my heart, I still believe she is my true love, but I don’t understand why she didn’t tell me the truth. Am I supposed to be with Carolyn or am I supposed to be alone? What is the right plan for me, God? What am I missing? Please tell me, God. Send me a sign.”
Joshua stayed in the barn for some time and listened to the birds in the distance and the horses nickering nearby. With tears in his eyes, he waited for a sign.
TWENTY-ONE
Carolyn entered her house and hurried past her parents and Benjamin, who were sitting at the kitchen table eating supper. She tried her best to shield her raw emotion from her son as she headed straight to her room at the back of the house. After closing the door, she threw herself onto her bed and buried her face in her pillow. She thought she’d cried out all her tears during the ride home, but more came when she hit the pillow. She sobbed and sobbed as desolation flooded her soul.
She heard the door squeak open and then close again.
“Carolyn? Are you all right?” her mother asked.
Carolyn couldn’t respond. Any words were stuck in her throat.
“Please, Carolyn.” Her mother’s voice was soothing to her ear. “Talk to me, mei liewe.” She rubbed Carolyn’s back, but the touch gave her little comfort. “Tell me what happened.”
Carolyn rolled onto her side and looked up at Mamm as she wiped away her tears. She cleared her throat. “Barbie was there when I got to the farm. She had already told him, and she looked so froh. It was as if she was searching for something that would convince Josh not to be with me.”
Mamm shook her head. “That is so wrong.”
“I told Josh I wanted to talk to him alone, and we walked to the barn. I explained I was going to tell him the truth the next time I saw him, but that wasn’t gut enough for him.” She detailed the conversation, and her mother listened while rubbing her arm.
“Josh just couldn’t accept that I hadn’t told him the truth from the beginning, even though I tried to explain how hard it was for me. No matter what I said, he wouldn’t accept it.” Carolyn sniffed. “He was exactly like everyone else who judged me when Ben was born. He wouldn’t listen. He let everything we had disappear because of that one issue.”
“I’m so sorry, mei liewe.” Mamm sighed. “I had hoped you’d finally found happiness.”
“Ya, I did too.” Carolyn crossed her arms over her middle as her abdomen knotted. “It hurts so much, Mamm. I can’t believe how much this hurts.”
“Oh, Carolyn. I wish I could take the pain away.” Mamm’s eyes shimmered with tears. “I’m so sorry things turned out this way.”
“I thought he was the one, Mamm. I thought I’d finally found my future husband, but I guess that doesn’t exist for me. I’m supposed to be alone. Maybe that really is the punishment for my mistake.” Carolyn choked back tears as regret stole her words.
“No, no.” Mamm shook her head. “Don’t say that. God has already forgiven you. You know that. We’ve talked about this.”
“I know he has, but when am I going to find someone who will love me completely, despite my past? Does that exist for me or should I settle for someone like Saul who will take me just to have someone to call his fraa?” Carolyn couldn’t stop her tears as they flowed once again.
“You will find true love, Carolyn. Someday you will. I promise.” Mamm gently squeezed her hand.
Benjamin leaned against his mother’s door and listened while she cried. He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop himself. He hated hearing her cry, especially when he knew from the conversation that her pain was because he existed. His whole life he’d watched his mother face judgmental people who called themselves Christians, and he was tired of listening to her make excuses and watching her endure criticism. He couldn’t take it anymore, and he couldn’t stand there in silence while she suffered.
He walked down the hall and found his grandfather slurping coffee from a mug. “I’m going to go see Onkel Amos.”
Daadi nodded. “Don’t be too late.”
He headed to the barn and got his horse. Once the horse was hitched to a buggy, he climbed in and guided the horse toward the road. He knew he shouldn’t have lied, but his grandfather would never agree to let him hitch up the horse and head back to Paradise to talk to Joshua Glick, man to man.
Benjamin spent the trip to Paradise considering what he was going to say, but by the time he arrived at the farm where he spent his weekdays working, he’d forgotten his speech. Instead, he left his horse and buggy by the barn and climbed the back porch steps as his indignation and disappointment with his mentor surged through him. He knocked on the door, and a few minutes later Joshua wrenched open the door and gave him a surprised look.
“Ben?” Joshua stepped outside. “Did you forget something?”
“No, I need to talk to you, man to man.” Benjamin gestured to the house. “May I come in?”
“Of course.” Joshua motioned for him to follow him. “Would you like a drink or a snack? I have s
ome leftover pie mei mamm brought over earlier.”
“No, danki. I just want to talk.” Benjamin took a deep breath and prayed he could remember some of the things he’d considered during the ride over. “I should’ve told you that Carolyn was mei mamm, but I thought she’d want to tell you, and I hoped it wouldn’t matter to you.”
Joshua shook his head and held his hand up to dismiss him. “Please. This whole situation is between Carolyn and me, and it doesn’t concern you.”
“Ya, it does.” Irritation boiled in Benjamin. “Don’t treat me like a kind. I’m not a kind. I’ve grown up quickly, even though I’m small for my age. My whole life I’ve watched mei mamm suffer because she had me. I’ve heard people call me a mistake and call her promiscuous. She’s spent half of her life being judged because she made a mistake. Well, that may have been a mistake, but without that one bad choice, I wouldn’t be standing here talking to you.”
Joshua’s expression softened.
“Mei mamm is heartbroken now, and it’s tearing me apart. I’ve always hoped she could find some happiness. And when she was with you, she finally did. I’d never seen her as froh as she was the past couple of months. She would walk around humming, and she actually told mei mammi she was falling in love for the first time in her life.” Benjamin shook his head.
Joshua sighed, and Benjamin thought he saw tears glistening in his eyes.
“You have no idea what she has gone through,” Benjamin continued, his voice seeping with resentment. “Mei onkel Amos told her that she brought shame on her family, and that’s why he wanted her to marry Saul. It was as if she would finally be forgiven and I would be legitimized if a man would marry her and pretend to be mei dat. I don’t need a dat. I have mei daadi, and he has been all the father I’ve ever needed.”
Benjamin shook his finger at Joshua. “I know why she didn’t tell you about me, and it’s the real reason I never told you she was mei mamm. We’re tired of being judged. It doesn’t matter if anyone knows what circumstances brought me into this world. All that matters is that I have a family, and no one has the right to judge my family.”