by Len Webster
It never died.
Never dwindled.
Always burned.
As bright as the billions of stars that filled the sky.
Stevie groaned. She wished she could tell every cell his name had branded to let it go. Leave it. Forget it. Move on from it. Never relive it again. But it would be impossible with him being back in Melbourne. The easiest thing she could do was run. Go back to London. Forgive her mother. Find a future with Charles. Though she knew the right thing to do was to tell Julian the truth. Dust her hands and live with the consequences. Repent all her demons. If only the right thing included the easiest actions.
“Stevie?”
She sat up at the sound of Clara’s voice. Then Stevie turned her head to see her best friend step foot onto the balcony. The lights from the apartment provided the brightness they both needed to see clearly.
“What are you doing out here?” Clara asked once she sat in the seat next to Stevie.
“Stargazing,” she replied.
Clara shifted her focus to the skyline. “One of the many things I love about this apartment. I’m going to miss this balcony.”
Stevie peeked over to see the smile on Clara’s face. “Please don’t tell me you and Noel had sex in the chair I’m sitting on?”
Clara laughed lightly. “No. He told me he loved me on this balcony.”
The pang of jealousy in her chest could destroy cities. Love. Honest and truthful love. Her best friend had it. And if she were good enough, even worthy enough, Stevie would hope for it. But with everything she had done after Thailand and in England, she was one of those who were undeserving of it. Instead of concentrating on the throbbing of her chest, Stevie focused on the way the warm summer wind brushed her skin. It had only just started to cool late in the evenings.
“You’ve been quiet lately. You haven’t gone to work all week,” Clara pointed out.
Stevie’s gaze had dropped to her hands for a moment before they met Clara’s questioning eyes. “I’ve been working from my room. I haven’t felt like going to work. I don’t think it’s a problem since Rogers owes my dad a million favours.”
Clara hummed. “Or you’re hoping you get fired.”
Stevie chuckled. “That, too.”
“Is it that bad being around Julian?”
That one question caused Stevie to flinch. It wasn’t bad—it was torturous to be around him. It felt like her heart crumbled into fine ash. It felt like water submerged her. Like every secret held by man weighed her down. It felt like she had forgotten how to breathe since the wedding.
“He makes me question a lot of things I’ve done. My reasons for why I did it. Whether the secrets I keep are worth the pain I endure. The guilt is slowly killing me,” she revealed.
“Then confess.”
Stevie nodded once.
In time, I will.
One sin at a time.
One awful truth at a time.
Clara reached over and grabbed Stevie’s hand. She squeezed it once then said, “When you’re ready to.”
Stevie gave her a tight smile. “I will,” she promised.
Clara’s smile developed into a full grin. “Come on; let’s go have some champagne. I want to have one final great night before I leave for my honeymoon tomorrow.”
“Okay.” Stevie got up from the chair and sighed. “But I have to apologise to Rob first.”
Clara stood up and then tucked a lock of her brunette hair behind her ear. “He left with Ally somewhere. She barely made it into the apartment before he ushered her out.”
Good for you, Rob.
“And Julian?” she asked in a shaky voice.
Clara looped her arm with Stevie’s. “Not here. I’m not sure if he’s coming over at all. Looks like you can breathe for the night.”
Disappointment now infected her body. Like a virus, it conquered and controlled. The belief that she should feel liberated quickly thinned. The missing him part of her began to sweep her veins.
Without him, maybe tonight I’ll be able to find a way to breathe again.
A knock on the bedroom door had Stevie opening her eyes. When she reached over and picked up her phone, she noted that it was 12:23 a.m. Then she set it back on the bedside table and rested her head back on the pillow. Her eyelids began to flutter close when she heard the knock again.
With a heavy sigh, Stevie pushed the thin covers off her and crawled out of bed. Rubbing her eyes, she made her way to the door. Once she’d reached it, she held onto the knob for a long second before she twisted it and pulled the door open.
“Hi,” Julian greeted in a soft voice.
One word.
That was all it took. One word and air fed her lungs with the sweetest relief she had ever known. Life bled through her. Breathing came naturally to her. The secrets she kept, however, inflamed within her. So many emotions and feelings collided. It was like a slow burn across her heart. Amazing to feel at first until it burned through several layers of flesh. Then it was a form of torture.
“Hi,” she repeated in the same low voice.
“I know it’s late,” he said nervously.
Stevie adjusted her focus to see that he was still in his suit, and his tie had loosened. Then her gaze met his face to see the exhaustion in his eyes.
She smiled and she knew in her sleepy state that it was a lazy grin. “It is.”
“I was working and I didn’t think you’d want to see me,” Julian explained. Then his body swayed to the left and settled on the wood of the doorframe.
“You’re right. I don’t really want to see you. You confuse me,” she admitted.
His blink had been slow. She knew her words hurt him. She wished they hadn’t. But they were nothing compared to her secrets.
“I can go. Noel let me in.”
The smile he offered was apologetic and sweet. Combined with him leaning against her doorframe, it was quite the beautiful sight. He had always been beautiful. More so now than when she had first met him at eighteen.
Stevie shuffled forward and wrapped her arms around his waist. Then she pressed her ear against his chest and felt him wince. His heartbeat was as strong as she remembered. So were his arms. Because, in them, she had found a safe haven. One that she had known for four years. Julian rested his chin on her head and she loved the feeling of familiarity that filled her.
“He shouldn’t have done that,” she mumbled and then closed her eyes, relishing the feel of his arms around her.
“I have to disagree. But if you don’t want Clara to see us, I better leave.” Julian had squeezed her once before his lips replaced his chin’s place on the top of her head.
“Come to bed, Julian. Take advantage of the fact that I’m not sure if I’m asleep right now.”
His hands dug into her hair and pulled her back so that their eyes met. “Dream of me often, Blondie?” he asked in a hoarse whisper.
She squinted at him. “Don’t even try to flatter yourself.”
His soft chuckle caused the clench of her heart. It wasn’t painful. It was more like a realisation grip. The kind that reminded her that she had once fallen in love with the way he laughed. The smoothest, most soul-calming sound she had ever known. Like that childhood melody one fell in love with all over again every time it was remembered.
Stevie untangled her arms and took hold of his left hand. Then she pulled him into her room. Julian used his free hand to push the door closed behind him. When she heard the click, she breathed out. She knew that somewhere she had conceded defeat. She’d give him anything but the truth if she could. But she knew she’d tell him soon. Stevie just had to figure out a way to confess.
Julian’s hands were in her hair before she could blink. His mouth found hers, kissing her as he walked her back to the bed. Their hands roamed where they could touch. Their lips only breaking contact for air. Soft moans filled her room. She had felt his tie beneath her fingers before she slipped it off from around his neck. Julian made quick work of taking off his j
acket and letting it fall to the carpet. With it off and his lips working their magic on the soft spot below her ear, Stevie fisted his shirt and they fell onto the bed.
She let out a soft gasp the second he settled between her legs. His want for her was evident as he slowly grinded against her. Stevie let out a breathless moan as he licked and kissed up and down her neck.
“Julian,” she sighed as she loosened her grip on his shirt. Her hands wandered down his stomach until his belt buckle brushed her fingers.
“I don’t have condoms,” he muttered.
Her hands fell and rested on her stomach as she panted. Julian propped himself on an elbow and the disappointment was clear on his face.
“I left my wallet back at the office,” he revealed.
Stevie reached up and brushed his hair back. Then she placed a chaste kiss on his lips. She wanted things to go further, but she knew it would only create more cracks than resolutions. Julian had found a way not only to enter her heart but also her lungs. He had found a way to take away her free rein of her ability to breathe.
Wrapping her arms around his back, she brought him closer to her. His forehead rested on hers for a moment before he buried his face in the curve of her neck. She loved the way his heavy breaths sounded close to her ear. Loved the way his hands were on top of her head. And she was in love with the way his heartbeats felt against her chest.
“Let me straddle you,” she whispered.
“Hmmm, not a good idea, Blondie. We don’t have protection.”
She had pressed her lips into his hair before she instructed, “Shoes off. Pants off.”
He had nodded into her neck before his lips pressed a kiss on her collarbone. Then he got off her body and off the mattress. Stevie sat up and watched as he removed his shoes. His eyes met hers as he unbuckled his belt. His movements were slow, like a tease. She bit her lip as he unsnapped his pants and pushed them down, leaving him in his boxer briefs and his shirt.
Julian got on the bed and leant back on the upholstered headboard of her bed. Steve crawled over to him. Her hands had settled on his shoulders before she straddled him. Julian’s lips found hers before their tongues met and danced. Stevie was unable to help the moan she made into his mouth. Her hands trailed down his shirt to his buttons as she rocked her hips against his hardness.
“Blondie, I really am considering trying the pull-out method with you. But knowing what it’s like being inside you, it’s never going to happen.” He dragged his nose against hers and brushed her messy hair back.
Stevie shook her head as she popped one of his buttons. “I’m not risking unprotected sex. Not when I’m not on birth control. Plus, I can’t risk Noel and Clara hearing us. I can’t let anyone know what happened between us.”
His strong hands held her face back. “You mean Rob?”
She kept her eyes on her fingers as she slowly unbuttoned his shirt. When his shirt was completely unfastened, Stevie held the collar tight in her grasps. She had taken a deep breath before she looked him straight in the eye.
“We lie, Julian,” she stated breathlessly.
“Lie?” His eyebrows knitted.
Stevie had pulled his face closer to hers before she kissed his nose. “Please. We lie. We keep what’s happened a secret for a little while. I don’t know what we’re doing, but right now I need to understand and comprehend it before Rob does.”
Julian nodded. That nod from him was enough for her. Stevie gave him a small smile before she peeled the shirt off his back and threw it on the ground. The light that seeped through the curtains made it possible for her to take in his tattoo. Slowly and cautiously, Stevie inched her index finger closer to his pec. The moment she made physical contact, Julian inhaled sharply. Stevie peeked up at him through her lashes and the softness in his eyes caused her to swallow hard. Then she concentrated on the way her finger traced the curves of his ‘S’ tattoo.
When she reached the flick of the ‘S,’ Julian quickly wrapped his arms around her and held her tight against his body. He took a deep breath before one of his hands cupped the back of her head.
“I’ll believe in anything and everything for you. I’ll do what it takes. I’ll lie for you, Stephanie. I’ll lie if it meant I’d be yours,” he mumbled into her neck.
A tear ran down her cheek before she pulled her arms from between their chests and wrapped them around him.
Lies are easy.
The secrets are what willingly and unwillingly kill the soul.
Mine and his.
Two.
Never just one.
Even though we share this secret.
Mine will always be worse.
“Stephanie,” Julian said softly. He peered down to see that she hadn’t woken at his call of her name.
The way her body draped over him was a reminder of the mornings he had woken up on the hammock of his Thai villa. The way her blonde hair shimmered in the morning sun; she was as beautiful as ever, if not more. Julian’s thumb circled her arm, and she snuggled into his chest.
Definitely more.
As much as he wanted to stay in her arms, he had to leave. If he didn’t, Clara would discover him in Stephanie’s bed. Not that he didn’t love the idea of being caught. He wanted it. Craved and hoped for it. But Stephanie was reluctant and he’d agreed that he’d keep them a secret for her sake. Once he had slipped out of bed, Julian began to dress himself. As articles of clothing covered him, he continued to watch Stephanie sleep peacefully. Julian searched the floor until he picked up his tie and tiptoed out of her bedroom.
He held his breath as he closed the door behind him. Once he heard the click, he exhaled. He was acting as if he were trying to put a two-year-old to sleep. But in reality he just wanted Stephanie to have as much sleep as possible. They had spent last night in each other’s arms. No words exchanged. Just their breaths filling the room. When he felt her snuggle into his chest and let out a sigh, Julian knew she had all but fallen asleep. With her in his arms, he knew she would fight for him and them. Whatever it was she had been through, she had fought and she had survived. But he couldn’t help but think if only just. Just able to fight. Just able to survive.
Just able to love me.
“Morning,” Noel greeted as he stumbled out of his wife’s room—shirtless.
Julian knew that sometime in the night Noel and his wife had had sex. He heard it. How Stephanie didn’t wake up to it, he didn’t know. So Julian grinned at Noel and then wagged his brows at him.
“I guess you heard us last night?” Noel asked as he rubbed his palms over his face and then made his way over to the kitchen.
Julian followed and stood by the barstools. “Does ‘Oh shit, baby. Yeah, ride me harder. Oh, fuck, I’m close’ sound familiar?” he teased.
“You didn’t get off on us having sex, did you?”
“Nah. But I am impressed.”
Noel opened the fridge and took out a carton of milk. “On?”
“You lasting as long as you did,” Julian stated with a shrug.
“Ha. You are so funny. I thought you were asleep. I shouldn’t have answered your call so late. You know my wife is pissed at you for being at work instead of our goodbye dinner. She definitely won’t approve of your booty call to Stevie that late,” Noel warned and put the milk down on the bench.
It wasn’t a booty call.
I had to see her.
I had to catch her off guard.
“So who instigated your late night romp? You or your wife?” he asked, changing the subject.
Noel rolled his eyes. “I can’t say no to Clara. We lost too much time together. And anyways, we aren’t here to talk about the fact that I make love to my wife. What is going on with you and Stevie?”
Julian tensed. If he could be honest with anyone, then it was Noel. He didn’t have to lie. There was no point because Noel already knew. The only person they needed to lie to was Julian’s brother, Rob.
“She’s broken,” Julian whispered and fiddled
with the tie in his hand. “And last night…”
“What happened?” Noel asked as he reached over and flicked the kettle switch to boil the water.
Julian knew he couldn’t go in-depth with Noel. Not just yet. Not until he knew what she had been through—what she had seen and what she had experienced. Knowing all that there was to Stephanie was his main mission.
“No condoms. No sex.” Julian pouted and then shoved his tie in his pocket.
There.
That’ll get Noel off track for a bit.
Noel raised an eyebrow, and Julian could see him biting back a smug grin. “You didn’t come prepared?”
“And you do? I didn’t realise I had left my wallet at the office until I was in the taxi. Luckily, I had money in my jacket from lunch.” Julian sighed.
A low chuckle came from Noel. He turned and took two mugs out from the cupboard behind him and then returned to face Julian. “I don’t have to come prepared. My wife’s on birth control. You’re not as frustrated as you should be… Wait. You haven’t already? Have you?”
Julian felt the twitch his upper lip had made. His poker face was under inspection. Just as he was about to lie, Noel shook his head.
“Don’t confirm it. If I don’t hear it, I don’t have to keep it from Clara. I don’t know anything. Got it, Julian? I don’t know anything. You had better get back to Max’s before Clara does wake up. I don’t know how you’ll explain this.”
Julian rolled his eyes. “I’ll just say I visited.”
Noel squinted and then let out a bothered exhale. “My wife isn’t stupid.”