by Len Webster
“I know.” Stevie sighed and handed Ally a bobby pin. “I’m home now.”
“Yes, but for how long?”
Stevie rolled her eyes. “Don’t you have to go do your husband right now?”
“He has to go to work. You didn’t answer me,” Clara pointed out, annoyed.
“I don’t know,” she replied honestly. “Whether I stay in Melbourne or go to Paris all depends on him.”
Clara hummed. “England isn’t an option?”
Once Ally had finished curling her hair, Stevie gave her a thumbs-up before she returned to her conversation with Clara. “No. As much as I love Charles, I can’t stay and be reminded that he always deserved a proper girlfriend. He doesn’t need a terrible ‘how you met’ story.”
“And how did you meet?” Clara asked with a lot of interest in her voice.
“That’s for me and Charles, Clara. Now I am so glad you moved to Massachusetts and everything, but as much as I appreciate the love, I have to go. Schedule me in for another integration in a week when I’m over this jet lag. Okay?”
Clara sighed. “Fine. You’re so lucky I love you. We’ll talk later. Bye.”
Once she had said her goodbyes, Stevie hung up the phone and dropped it onto Ally’s would-be bed. “I can’t believe you aren’t going on a date with Rob tonight.”
Ally gave her sad smile from the mirror. “I can.”
“Seriously?”
“If you want to avoid me asking you about why you haven’t even reached out to Julian, then you better drop my not dating Rob topic. He doesn’t like me, Stevie.” Ally looked down at her hands. “He made it loud and clear.”
Stevie groaned and fell back on the mattress. “God, Rob is such a clueless dick.”
“What are you going to do tonight?” Ally asked.
“Deal with this jet lag business. Attempt to sleep and then when my stupid brain decides to stop trying to solve the reasons as to why there’s really life on Earth, I’ll go eat some ice cream in bed. Cry a little because I feel like I need to and then assess my little ducks and put them in a row,” Stevie replied.
“He loves you, Stevie. He made a horrible mistake.”
Breathing out, Stevie stared at the Victorian plastering of the ceiling. “If you do decide to go home with your date, then could you call me to make sure you’re safe? Do we need a code word for when you find out he has a small nether region or that he has like twenty cats and loves Cher?”
Ally burst out laughing. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this but ‘Cher’s pussy’ could be our code word?”
There was silence then they both began laughing hysterically.
“Deal. Cher’s pussy it is!” Stevie said between chuckles.
Stevie: I’m back home, but I really don’t feel like talking over the phone or seeing you just yet. I was wrong to lie to you. I’m sorry, Jarred. I looked you in the eye and instantly betrayed your trust. I didn’t want to burden you with the truth when I had miscarried. It didn’t make sense to worry you. I get that I shouldn’t have kept it from you. You’re not my stepbrother, you’re my brother, and I love you and I am sorry.
Jarred: I’m so sorry, Steves. I was blinded by rage. I get why you kept it to yourself, and I’m sorry I said all those things. You could never disgust me. I love you, and I will never be a shit brother ever again. I will never let you down. I’m so sorry I gave Julian the sonogram. I had no right to do that. I shouldn’t have taken that away from you. He should have heard it from you.
Stevie: It’s okay, Jarred. I’m pretty tired. We’ll talk about everything tomorrow.
Jarred: Are you going to talk to Julian? He’s been through hell. He’s been worried about you.
Stevie: I am. I just need to figure out how I can approach him.
Jarred: You may have to go to Sydney. Annie heard from Max that he was going back soon. I’m not sure if he’s left already.
Sydney.
Staring at her phone, she felt her heart dip. Sydney was huge. Stevie wasn’t sure where he lived. Tomorrow, she’d check with Max and try to get Julian’s address out of him. And if that didn’t work, she’d get in touch with the number Rose had given her for a private investigator. Four years ago, her stepmother hadn’t asked questions when Stevie had asked how she’d find someone she met in Thailand. She only handed Stevie the number of a friend of hers who she had grown up with. When she had miscarried, she had disregarded finding Julian.
A knock on the door had her sitting up in Ally’s bed. She then got off the mattress and left the room. She waited in the hallway, staring at the front door, for another knock. When she didn’t hear another one, she breathed out and spun around.
“Stephanie?”
She froze.
“Stephanie, please.”
Another knock.
She’d know his voice anywhere. And by the way her heart raced, she also knew that she’d love him endlessly.
Julian let out a loud sigh.
“You don’t have to open the door. I know I don’t deserve it. It was the worse me that I’ve ever been. If the roles were switched, then I wouldn’t open the door either. Just know that it hurt. I wanted that baby. I wanted you to be the mother. I wanted us to be a family. But it didn’t hurt as much as knowing that I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. I should have been there when you saw that doctor. I should have been at the hospital when you miscarried. God, Stephanie,” he cried.
Stevie turned back around as tears ran down her cheeks. As much as she willed her legs to move towards the door, she couldn’t. She was cemented in place.
“I handled it badly. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t let go of the girl I met on the beach. I couldn’t forget her laugh or her smile. I couldn’t forget how she looked at the world with this sincerity. I was in love with that girl. And I’m still in love with that girl. If she’s gone, then I have to accept that. But the Stephanie I’ve gotten to know since the wedding, I’m in love with her more. Because she’s seen so much more in life and I have so much more to learn from her. I never gave her a chance. That’s one of my biggest regrets. I know I have to walk away. I…”
That was when she remembered her mother’s message.
“He had this way of expressing his love for her in the way he spoke of her.”
He loved the Stevie who she was more than the Stephanie he had met.
“I know there is better out there for you. But I’m hoping that you could show me what a better person is, Stephanie. My actions alone aren’t deserving of you or your love. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you deserve to have them love you back. And I shouldn’t be trusted with your heart. I made that clear. I hope someday you’ll forgive me.” The pleading in his voice had her covering her mouth and stifling the sob that had tried to escape behind her palm.
“I’ll let you go but not before I return this to you. It belongs with you. I’ve held on for too long. I’ll leave it by the door.” Julian paused. “I love you, Stevie,” he confessed and that was when she heard his retreating footsteps.
I love you, Stevie.
Not Stephanie. Not the eighteen-year-old, but the person she was now. Her feet made the next decision for her. When she reached the front door, she yanked it open, ready to start new with him. However, returning to Julian’s arms was halted when she noticed what he had left on the ground outside her apartment door.
Slowly, she bent down and picked it up. Her fingers brushed against the black cover of the book. Then she traced every single stain, tear, and fold. She knew this copy of To Kill a Mockingbird. It was hers. The one she thought she had lost forever.
“You left it in my villa,” he said softly.
Stevie blinked hard and teardrops landed on the cover. “You’ve had it all this time?” she asked in wonder, her eyes on the book.
“I was going to find you and give it back to you. It’s what’s gotten me to wake up every lonely day that I’ve lived since you walked out of my life.” The sadness in his voice had
Stevie turning to face him.
Julian was dressed in jeans and a tight shirt. She had missed his suits. When she took in his face, he had gone unshaven, the colour in his eyes had dimmed, and he just looked tired and defeated. It had been almost a month since she’d last seen his smile.
Stevie then flicked through the book to find the sonogram nestled between the pages. “I was going to find you,” she repeated and glanced up to meet his eyes. “I wasn’t going to let my child not know its father. I’m not cruel, though my actions may state otherwise. I knew deep down that the reality of us being a happy family was a fantasy, but I wasn’t going to keep it from you. You accused me of many things, but I loved that baby. That baby was half of you.”
The pain and regret flashed through his eyes. “I wanted it. That baby. I wanted it more because it was our baby. And knowing that it doesn’t physically exist killed me inside. I’m so sorry I did that to you. Accused you having an abortion when I didn’t give you a chance to explain. I got you fired because I wanted to hurt you and that was terrible of me to do.”
The tears Julian cried could bring her to her knees. She saw the vulnerable side of him. She was witnessing his despair. She saw his love.
“You said ‘I love you, Stevie,’” she pointed out.
Julian nodded. “That’s what you wanted. Me to call you Stevie.”
With a shake of her head, she took one step towards him and then another until she pressed her right hand on his cheek. “I’m Stephanie. I’m your Stephanie. I’m everyone else’s Stevie, but you get to have that part of me. I was going to tell you. I just needed you to be a little patient with me. I love you, Julian. So much so that it still terrifies me and liberates me. I was free the moment you came into my life. There was never a before.”
His facial expression softened as if he was in awe or relieved. It was beautiful that the light in his eyes returned. “God, Stephanie.” He pressed his forehead against hers. “I thought I lost you. I’m sorry for being such a fucking fool and for taking days for me to realise the truth and come to my senses. Please forgive me?”
“I don’t know,” she teased.
“Oh.”
She peeked at him through her lashes. “I’m kidding. You’re my all-in, remember?” Then she lowered her hand and smiled up at him.
“You’ve always been mine. From the second I saw you reading that book. I love you, Stephanie,” he declared as his hands cupped her face and his lips found hers. This. The way he kissed her. The way his soft, passionate kisses sealed his name on her heart was what caused her to give up total control. Kissing Julian was like falling in love with him all over again—new, beautiful, and absolute wanderlust.
The moment he pulled back, he whispered, “I’ve loved you from the very start, and I’ll love you until the very end. Us being parents wasn’t meant to be but it doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen. I love you, Stephanie Élise Appleton.”
Sometimes you get to feel the most incredible things because of the most incredible people.
That’s when you understand and accept that life is pretty amazing.
Because if you don’t, you’ll never know what you left behind.
And Julian is my future.
Three weeks later
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Stevie shouted as she entered her apartment, dropped her bag by the hallway table, and threw her keys down on it.
Dragging her feet, she made her way towards the lounge room to find her boyfriend sitting on the couch with stacks of fashion magazines around him. Almost three weeks ago, Julian had packed up his apartment and quit his job in Sydney to move to Melbourne to be with her. It didn’t surprise Stevie when she took in the mess he had made in their lounge room. It didn’t take long for him to make the apartment theirs.
“We’re talking about it, Blondie,” Julian said, flipping through a copy of French Vogue. He glanced up and grinned at her. “How was uni?”
“Why on earth are you looking at French Vogue?” Stevie raised a brow and crossed her arms over her chest.
Julian’s grin turned into a smirk as he showed her the magazine. “I still cannot believe Collette Agustin is your mum. Look at her!”
“Great, my boyfriend thinks my mother is attractive. Shoot me now,” Stevie whined before she left him to his magazine stash and went into the kitchen. She took out the Sprite from the fridge and a glass from the cupboard, pouring herself a drink. “You better clean all that up. Don’t forget that Ally’s moving in next week!”
He had made a loud groaning sound before he entered the kitchen and joined her. This time he held a copy of Sports Illustrated. “Seriously, I am so glad your mother is this attractive. She definitely passed it on to her offspring.”
Stevie cringed. “Ew. Now I wish I never told you about Collette being a model. And why do you have every cover spread my mother did in our apartment, anyways?” she asked sipping her beverage.
“Because she’s coming to stay with us!” he announced in excitement.
She spat out her drink, coughing. “What?” More coughing. “My mother cannot stay with us! I don’t care how hot you think she is!”
“Then take the internship back at Rogers & Co. It was unfair dismissal, and Mona misses you.” He pulled his best puppy dog eyes at her, and it made her want to slap him. “Please, Stephanie?”
Stevie shook her head. “No. Absolutely not. You’re the vice president. I don’t want ‘she’s banging the boss’ to travel around. Plus, now that I won’t be taking online classes for my final year, I like going to campus. Did you use my mother to get me to return to work?”
“No,” he sighed. “You’re mother isn’t coming over to stay with us. But she’s welcome to at any time.”
“Thank God,” she said, relieved. Then she picked up the bottle of Sprite and began to top off her glass.
Julian stepped closer until his mouth was close to her ear and whispered, “Have my offspring, Blondie. We’d make beautiful terrors.”
That was when Sprite made it onto the bench rather than in her glass. “Are you shitting me?”
He took the bottle from her hands and spun her around, her back pressing into the counter.
“Julian, we are not having kids anytime soon,” she warned.
He rolled his eyes at her. “Fine. Then can I ask you something else?”
“Fine.”
Julian’s lips had brushed over hers before he pulled back. Then he let out a heavy sigh and got down on one knee.
“What are you doing?” she asked. Her eyes widened as he glanced up at her.
“I’m tying my laces.”
“Oh, thank God. I thought… never mind.”
Julian’s brows furrowed as he knotted his laces. “I was going to ask if we could get a dog?”
Stevie bent down and cupped his face. “I let you live here. I think that’s enough for a little while. I’m still getting used to you leaving clothes on the bathroom floor. Plus, we’d have to ask Ally if she’d be okay with a dog, too.”
“Ally is the worst roommate ever!” he complained.
“She hasn’t even moved in yet,” Stevie scolded and then lightly kissed his lips.
“I have something for you.”
“You do?”
The twinkle in his eyes had her smiling. Julian dug into his jacket pocket and took out a small cube. Her heart stopped as she took in the velvet box.
He didn’t…
Julian opened it and presented it to her. Inside, sitting on the cushion was a rolled up piece of paper. He took out the small scroll and handed it to her. Stevie stood up and began to unroll it. When it was uncurled, she read what he had written.
One day I’m going to marry you. When everything is right for both of us. Someday you’ll be my wife and I’ll get to proudly call you that. You’ll probably be complaining about how annoying your husband will be and I’ll wear that title like a cocky bastard. In the end, it doesn’t matter if you marry me today or tomorrow because I know s
omeday we’ll get there. We’ll have awesome children and all the other lame stuff because you’re my all-in.
And I love you endlessly.
Her hearts swelled as she gazed up at him and his beautiful smile. “Did you just not propose to me?”
“Oh, right.” Julian raised a finger in a ‘one second’ gesture and dug his hand back into his pocket. Then he held out a silver ring with a silver cutout of a bird on it and returned to one knee. The ring was simple and beautiful. Meaningful and above all, it had substance.
“Stephanie Élise Agustin Appleton, will you someday marry me?”
Stevie leant in close and whispered, “Oui. Un jour,” as he slipped the ring on her finger.
Yes.
Someday.
If there was any song you had to listen to while you read this book, it should be Jaymes Young’s I’ll Be Good. Jaymes’ music helped me write What You Left Behind. When I watched and listened to his video clip for I’ll Be Good, I knew instantly it was a song that really described Stevie and her struggles. Then I read a comment he had made on his video clip, “We harm ourselves when we harm others,” and knew instantly that his music really spoke to me and this book. So I hope that his music speaks to you the way it spoke to me.
I thought I’d share the music that helped and inspired my writing for Stevie and Julian’s books.
I’ll Be Good by Jaymes Young
Habits of My Heart by Jaymes Young
Moondust by Jaymes Young
Dark star by Jaymes Young
One Last Time by Jaymes Young
The One by Kodaline
Better by Kodaline
Make It To Me by Sam Smith
Reminds Me of You by Sam Smith
In Love Again by Jessica Mauboy
Honest by Jessica Mauboy
Barriers by Jessica Mauboy
C’est La Mort by The Civil Wars