by Bert Murray
“Well, thanks for that great analysis. Is that all?” I asked abruptly.
“I just want you to know that despite everything that’s happened between us, I know that you’re a terrific guy,” said Jasmine.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her lips. Still so sexy. “Took you quite a while to come to that conclusion, didn’t it?”
“I’ve always known that.” Her stunning green eyes were on me. I couldn’t resist the urge to tell her. I couldn’t keep the pain in any longer. “You don’t know what it’s been like since you left. It’s been miserable.”
“You’ll find someone who is just perfect for you. I know you will.”
Shit. What the hell was this? Now she was throwing me a pity party. I knew I ought to get up and leave. Or maybe push her out the door. Not just sit on my bed. “So how long were you and Karl going at it behind my back?” I asked.
She shook her head. “Nothing happened until after we broke up.”
“You’re lying. Someone told me they saw you and Karl in your car. It was months before.”
“Don’t believe the gossip. I would never have done that to you,” she said softly. She looked at me innocently. As if she could never tell a lie.
My back muscles started to tighten. “Why should I believe anything you tell me at this point? Do you know what you’ve put me through the last couple of months?”
“Because deep down I still love you,” said Jasmine. She got up from the chair and sat next to me on the bed. She gave me a hug. “I’ve never stopped loving you,” she said, squeezing me for emphasis.
14.
MY HEART JUMPED. Had she finally figured out that I was the one? But didn’t she just say I wasn’t right for her? Maybe she’d discovered her true feelings.
My mind raced back and forth. Maybe she did want me back. Should I make her wait before I told her I’d consider it? I didn’t want to seem too cold, but I also didn’t want to seem desperate. She kept looking at me. She was driving me crazy.
“You do love me?” I asked.
“Of course I love you. I’m just not in love with you. We’re not right for each other as lovers,” she said. “But we’re perfect as friends.”
I stared at her. The knots in my stomach tightened. “If I can’t be your boyfriend, I don’t want anything to do with you. You’ve meant too much to me to take a step backward.”
“Turn on your Beatles music,” she said.
“Why?”
“Colin. Right now. Just fucking do it!”
I stuck Rubber Soul into my tape deck and hit “play.”
“Take off your jeans,” she commanded.
I stared at her. I was completely confused. Was she serious? I undid my belt buckle and took off my jeans.
“Jasmine. I don’t—”
“Shh. As usual, you’re ruining the moment.”
She rubbed me through my boxers. She took off her top and lay on the bed. I took off my shirt and lay on top of her. She pulled off her pants and panties and I went in. It was slow and sensual. Not like how we used to have sex.
I felt complete again and couldn’t believe how angry I’d been with her. People make mistakes. I could forgive her for everything. Maybe this was a miracle. Maybe this was the beginning of something lasting.
Did she feel enough to fall in love with me again? I thought of John and Yoko’s (Just Like) Starting Over. Karl hadn’t beaten me after all. I was getting the last laugh.
I held her in my arms all night. I didn’t sleep a wink. I was afraid to close my eyes. When I opened them, she might be gone.
Morning arrived and the sun streamed yellow through my dorm window. I stared at her large breasts and stroked her long hair. She looked like an angel. Did anyone have a more perfect face? This was as close to heaven as I’d ever been. All the terrible things she put me through didn’t matter. I wanted time to stop. I wanted to stay with Jasmine forever. But she stirred and slowly opened her eyes.
“I love you, Jasmine,” I whispered. “I’ll always love you.”
Her body become rigid. “No. No. I have to go.” She got up from the bed.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Go? What? Why? What about last night?” What was going on?
“It was great. But I’m not in love with you anymore. Colin. I told you that last night. I wanted to give you a night to remember. It was a gift. I wanted you to know that you mean more to me than Karl.”
“A gift? What do you mean? I don’t get it?”
She grabbed her coat and leaned over to kiss me softly on the lips. “Don’t worry,” she whispered. “Everything is as it should be.”
“But Jasmine. Wait.”
“No. That’s it. I have to leave.”
“But … but … ”
She walked out. I was dumbfounded. I’d been lost and found and lost again. Jasmine was unfathomable.
15.
THE NEXT DAY a letter from Chester arrived:
Dear Colin,
I am elated that you wrote to me. Thanks for remembering an old friend. Sorry I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye. Things got out of control for me at Elerby at the end. Have people in the dorm noticed that I’m gone? Probably not. It’s not like I had any friends except for you.
I was self-medicating because I felt dead inside after Susan stopped taking my phone calls. I don’t get it. She seemed so into me for a few hours.
Anyway, after I lost Susan I decided that like Napoleon I should leave my stamp on the world. I thought by hanging myself in the men’s room dressed up like the French general I would really make an impression on Elerby. But the pipes above the shower were not strong enough.
I am writing you from the Middlebury Psychiatric Hospital. It’s about 20 miles from where Mom’s house is. The wing I’m in treats patients with substance-abuse problems.
Napoleon conquered the world, but right now I’m trying to conquer my demons. It’s not easy. I realize that it is going to take a while. It’s pretty hard getting by without my happy sticks.
The nurse in my unit has double-D breasts. Her name is Cathy. I can’t keep my eyes off her when she brings in the meds. She always wears white.
Hey, Colin, do you believe in UFOs? I swear I saw a little green man in an army uniform when I first arrived here. He had a mustache and was about 2 feet tall. It was the day after I checked into the hospital. One of the psychiatrists said it was all just a dream. But who knows?
Withdrawal is everything it’s chalked up to be. I shake sometimes. The coffee cup does a dance. And sometimes I get so anxious I think I can’t take it. I think about jumping out a window. What’s worse, I stay up all night. And my muscles ache. It’s something you should avoid if possible.
I don’t know if my uncle mentioned it, but I was using weed, ’shrooms and coke. I was pretty fucked up. But I’m clean now. First time in six years. I feel better overall, but sometimes the cravings can get really bad. The doctors say it’ll get easier over time, but it’s something I’ll have to deal with my whole life. Fantastic news.
If you hadn’t guessed it, I’m not coming back to Elerby. I’m going to be in here for a while. There are a lot of nutty people here. My roommate reads the Bible every morning and thinks he’s Moses. The guy down the hall thinks he’s George Washington. So my Napoleon thing fits right in. Sometimes I put on my Walkman and listen to Pink Floyd to get away from everyone and have some alone time.
So you met Uncle Toby, huh? He’s my one relative who isn’t crazy. It probably explains why he’s so boring. I shouldn’t say that. He’s been very generous to Mom and me. Uncle Toby is paying for my stay at this place. He said he liked you. I’m not surprised.
Have you seen Susan lately? I have 10 letters from her. I keep them in a black box I painted in art therapy. Every letter is one of my letters to her that she sent back unopened.
This psychologist who works here is named Dr. Walsh. He has a beard and looks like Sigmund Freud. I like him a lot more than the psychiatrists. A few days a
go I told him about Susan. Dr. Walsh said that Susan is playing hard to get. He said it’s just a game. I need to find the instructions or else it’s battleship sunk. I wonder if Susan will go out on another date with me once I get out of here. You know, after I get a job and stuff. What do you think? Anyway, say hello for me if you remember.
So you’re drinking a lot, huh? My advice is to take it easy on the booze. Before you know it, you could be in the room down the hall from me. Actually, having you here would be fun.
Forget about Jasmine. She’s way too Alexis Carrington anyway. All she cares about is herself. She’s great-looking and everything but she’s not a nice person. I still can’t believe she had sex with Karl. What a bitch!
I better go now. Feel free to write me again. It was nice hearing from you. Thanks for caring about me.
“Wish you were here” - Pink Floyd Forever.
Your Friend,
Chester
P.S. Let me know what happened on Days of Our Lives. I’m in group therapy during that time and can’t watch.
16.
TWO WEEKS LATER I was walking through the Quad on my way to American history class. The trees had shed all their leaves. There was a December chill in the air. I remembered the September afternoon when Jasmine, Karl and I had played Frisbee in the Quad. It was hard to believe how much had changed since then.
“Hey, Colin,” said a strong voice.
I turned and saw Karl. It was the first time he’d spoken my name since the day he betrayed me. I stared at him, my throat filling with anger. I said nothing.
Karl smiled at me. “Colin! I’ve been hoping I’d run into you. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about the whole Jasmine thing.”
“I heard she dumped you.” He damn well deserved that, didn’t he! “What else is there to say?” Tension shot through my shoulders and neck.
“You were totally right about her. She’s impossible. Like her mood swings. Damn!”
I couldn’t stand listening to him. “I’m late for class, Karl.”
“My point is, no girl is worth ruining a friendship over.”
What an asshole! “You weren’t so concerned about our friendship when you fucked my girlfriend.”
Karl shook his head. “You mean ex-girlfriend. You guys broke up. I stayed away from her until she left you.”
“You’re fuckin’ kidding me, right? Jasmine broke up with me that morning!” I shook my head in disbelief. It was the same old Karl. He hadn’t changed a bit. I took a deep breath. I couldn’t believe his nerve.
“What I’m trying to say is that I feel bad that you saw us together. I never intended to put you through that.” He scratched the side of his nose.
“Wait a minute. Do you realize what you just said? You’re sorry that I caught you in the act but not about what you did? This conversation is going nowhere. Karl, you’ll never change.” I started to walk away.
“Colin, hold on!” He followed me. “That came out wrong.”
I kept walking.
“Colin, just hear me out! I’m trying to fix things between you and me. Don’t you get it? Don’t be stubborn.”
I whipped around and Karl stopped dead in his tracks. I began to walk toward him, my face flushed with anger and my jaw clenched. Karl had always gotten away with everything. Not this time.
“What do you want from me, Karl? You want me to say it doesn’t matter what you did? That everything is okay? That’s not going to happen. Our friendship is dead. Just fucking deal with it,” I said.
“Come on, Colin, don’t hold a grudge. You always take things too seriously.” He attempted a smile.
“And you know what’s wrong with you? You don’t take things seriously enough.”
“Yes I do. I’m here trying to patch things up. After all, you and I are best friends.”
“Were best friends.”
“What’s it going to take? Just tell me. Do you want to hit me? Tell you what, I’ll give you a free swing. Go ahead.” He turned his head toward me and braced for my swing.
“I wouldn’t waste the energy, Karl.”
“We can get over this, Colin. We can be friends exactly like we were before Jasmine came between us.”
I was furious. I couldn’t stand any more. “You don’t have it in you. You can’t be a real friend to anyone. Stop fooling yourself.”
“That’s not true.”
“Karl, I’m sick of your double talk. You’re full of shit.” I turned and started to walk away again.
“Colin, come back,” he shouted. “I told you I was sorry. Be reasonable.”
I kept walking. I clasped my hands together because they were shaking. But I felt good inside. I’d told him what I felt, and every word was true.
17.
I COULDN’T STAND Elerby anymore. Every stone building felt too heavy and reminded me of a moment with Jasmine. The last four months had worn me down completely.
It was the 6th of December. Winter break couldn’t come soon enough. But first I had to pass my exams, and that wasn’t going to be easy, because I’d missed so many classes. I was sitting at my desk trying to do my work. But all I did was stare at my poster of John Lennon. There was a tear across his chin where Jasmine had thrown the bottle. The phone rang. It was Mrs. Vesquez calling to ask if I wanted to take a study break.
“Sure. Where do you want to go?”
“Strawberry Fields.”
“You want to go to Manhattan?” She took me by surprise. “Now? But I have finals.”
“We both have to get away from here. We need a break.”
She was right. There would plenty of time to study when we got back. We both needed a distraction. We took the train to Penn Station. I felt guilty about skipping the last day of lit class, but I tried not to let it bother me. Mrs. Vesquez was wearing her red scarf wrapped around her head like a turban. It was pulled low over her forehead the way you’d wear a bandanna.
“You are looking at my scarf. You like it?”
“I’m glad it’s red. You always wear black or gray.”
“Red is how I feel today.”
Quixote was in her lap. She had the inside seat near the window. She was rubbing him behind the ears. He was purring.
“How about Liz? Are you still seeing her?” asked Mrs. Vesquez.
“We still hang out.”
“Good. Take your time getting to know her. The faster a fire lights, the faster it burns out.”
The conductor came over to us after five minutes, looking very annoyed. He was tall and going bald. He had three pimples on his nose and wore a blue uniform.
“Listen, lady, you can’t travel like this,” he said in a heavy Brooklyn accent.
“Why not? Am I doing something wrong?” asked Mrs. Vesquez.
“Yes. You are.” He pointed at Quixote. “Your cat. It should be in a carrier. It’s part of the regulations.” He smiled a forced smile. Official-looking. “I’m not trying to give you a hard time or anything. That’s just the way it is. Rules are rules.”
I looked at Mrs. Vesquez. She spoke in a quiet voice. Very sweet and respectful. “I know. Sorry. I forgot to bring it this time. I was in a rush.”
It seemed to work. The conductor scratched his head and leaned his arm on the back of the seat in front of me. “I’ll let you off the hook this time. But next time, I can’t let you on the train like this. Other passengers complain, you know. I got nothing personal against cats. In fact, I dated a woman for a long time who had five. Every kind of color. Brown, black, white. She was crazy about cats.”
Mrs.Vesquez gave him her full attention as if she were enthralled. I wished she wouldn’t encourage him. He kept on talking.
“Her name was Laura. Sweet lady. Most of the time. Well, it didn’t work out with Laura. But that was for other reasons. And you guys wouldn’t be interested in knowing all the details.”
I sure as hell didn’t want to hear about it. I stared straight in front of me.
He picked at one of his pimples.
“I don’t want to bore you. What’s the cat’s name anyway?”
“Quixote,” said Mrs. Vesquez.
“Quixote. Yeah, I read that book. He was always chasing windmills. Total waste of time if you asked me. Well, I never finished it. Very long book.”
This guy was a real ass. I wished he’d shut up already. I was afraid I was about to lose my temper. I wanted to talk to Mrs. Vesquez. That always made me feel better.
Mrs. Vesquez nodded her head. “So you’re a reader.” She kept her eyes on the conductor.
“I got a college degree, all right. Not that I’ve really done anything with it. But I don’t regret it–don’t get me wrong.”
“How much do we owe you for the tickets?” I asked.
“That depends. Where are you and Mom going today?”
“She’s not my mother,” I said. Now I was really pissed. Who did this guy think he was?
“Yeah, you don’t really look related. I noticed that.”
“We are friends,” said Mrs. Vesquez.
The man looked at us funny. It made me uncomfortable. Maybe it looked weird how much time I was spending with Mrs. Vesquez. She was very attractive. But I didn’t think about her that way, not like someone I could be with. That would be like going out with my mom. The thought made me feel sick to my stomach. I started to wonder if people at Elerby had noticed how much time we spent together and were talking. People were probably saying something like “There goes Colin and the old lady. He used to have the hottest girl on campus and now he hangs out with a woman old enough to be his mother.”
The conductor raised his eyebrow. “Just friends?”
I turned red. “That’s right,” I blurted. “Why don’t you mind your own business? You ask too many questions. You really do.”
“No need to get touchy, young man. I’m just trying to be nice. Makes my day go faster that way. Keep in mind I’m being real generous about your cat.”
“It is my cat,” said Mrs. Vesquez.