by T B Audrey
The closer she got to work, the more uneasy she became. My stomach feels queasy, she thought. Was this part of the plan? Drag this out and make her miserable for several days or even weeks. She could not shake the feeling that this could still be a joke. Feeling foolish, she almost turned back home, but it was too late. The office doors stared at her. I’m tougher than this, she thought, look at what I’ve survived so far. Well, here goes nothing. She lifted her chin and marched staunchly forward.
As she entered the lobby, she could feel eyes on her. She kept her gaze straight ahead, not believing she could ever have the courage to do this. Wait, what am I doing? Why am I doing this? What has happened to me? A panicked feeling engulfed her. The elevator door opened and she forced herself to step in. The usual group of people was standing there. Most of the time they stared blankly ahead, oblivious to anyone or anything. Today, though, something was different in their world. All eyes diverted to her as she swallowed hard and stepped in, waiting for someone to say something, anything, but to her relief, everyone quickly went back their usual mode of indifference. For a split second, they had noticed something was not quite right, but only for a split second had she become a small distraction.
As she made her way to her desk, she felt new eyes on her. She tried to act as if nothing was different, knowing they would soon lose interest, just like the others. Thinking she was in the clear, she began going about her work as usual, until Kevin sauntered over and pointed out her makeover to everyone. Blood rushed to her face and she hoped that her secret admirer was not there to see it. She purposely did not include Kevin in her possible list of secret admirers for fear that it would actually be him. She stuck her nose in the air in pretense that his comments did not bother her. She tried to carefully observe his every gesture, but only to rule him out.
“Hello, Kevin,” she said, pretending nothing was out of the ordinary and hoping it would diffuse him if she would not play along. It worked. He made a few more sarcastic remarks before realizing his audience was losing interest and moved on to torture someone else. She settled in at her desk, hoping to find another clue, but it was just as she had left it the night before. Before getting down to work, she scanned the room, carefully observing each potential suitor. Was any one of them looking at her or acting differently? Not at the moment, at least. She would be sure to check from time to time during the day.
The morning went as usual except for a few compliments paid to her by fellow coworkers. It was nice to be noticed for a change, even though she had purposely worked hard to avoid it for years. She wanted to be known for her intelligence. There would be no question as how she got her position once she started moving up the ladder. Lost in thought as she made her way back from afternoon break, her eyes caught sight of another card sitting on her desk. It looked exactly like the first. Her heart started racing and she felt a little dizzy for an instant. Trying to act like nothing was amiss, she kept her head down and peered under her brow to see if she was being watched.
Everything looked absolutely normal in the office. Kevin was busy harassing Eddie, Cindy was filing, Susanne was on the phone, Sherrie was on the computer, Brad and Steve were having a conversation, and Jim was gazing out the window. They were the only ones in her immediate view and they were doing pretty much what they always did. She could hardly wait to open the card but did not dare do it there in the office. She eased it into her purse for safekeeping and tried to get her mind back on business. The afternoon seemed to drag on and on, but finally it was time to head home.
She rushed frantically through the door and pulled out the card from her purse. She took a deep breath before carefully opening the cover. Only you, was all it said, written by hand like the first and signed your secret admirer. She suddenly felt faint. Her stomach rolled. She felt giddy. For a split second, everything in the world seemed right. She remembered this feeling from when she was a teenager. Puppy love, they called it.
However, her euphoria was short lived when reality set in. Her world came crashing down hard and she felt very disheartened as she realized the chances of this turning out good were very slim. She had so hoped that there would be more information to point to her secret admirer’s identity. She wished now that she had made friends with some of the girls in the office. Maybe they could help her figure some of this out. She really could use someone to talk to. If only mom was here, she thought, tears welling in her eyes.
“I am totally alone in the world,” she said out loud. Suddenly, having someone to love didn’t seem as scary as it used to. She shook her head as a tear slid down her cheek. She was tired and her mind was tired. That night, she tried to sleep just so she didn’t have to think anymore, but she tossed and turned, her mind racing, running everything over and over in her mind. What if I never figure it out? What if he gets nervous and never reveals himself? What if it’s Kevin? He’s the only man in the office that ever even tries to talks to me. So many questions, but no answers.
The next morning she vowed that something had to change. Suddenly, a life alone seemed scarier than the alternative. She had built such a wall around herself; her future would be no more than a replay of her childhood. She still had time to change things. She felt an odd sense of determination to find out who this man was that found her so intriguing and why. She had put so much into her career in the past that it had become her whole life. These letters were making her reevaluate just settling for that. Security isn’t everything, she thought. Sometimes I guess you just have to take a chance.
She decided she should look at this experience as gaining a new perspective on life, even if it didn’t work out as she hoped. She was determined to make a stab at being a different person. More like her mother, the only person she ever trusted. Her childhood had made her see the worst in people. She realized that she had taken for granted that most people were inherently looking out for their own selfish interests, and that was what she needed to do, or she would end up like her mother. Today would be different.
At the office, she made it a point to speak to Cindy, a very friendly girl, who was well liked by everyone. She had been very cold to Cindy on many occasions and would not acknowledge her unless they were discussing business. She awkwardly asked Cindy about her family. Cindy stared back at her with shock, but, as usual, was very friendly. Helen was grateful that Cindy did not to make a big deal out of it. She thought it was very classy that Cindy pretended they had talked like this every day. Cindy could easily have treated her as bad as she had been treating Cindy and with good reason.
She was starting to see a pattern to this, she believed. It was four more days until Valentine’s Day. She hoped she would receive more cards. She still had no clue as to who it might be or if he would ever reveal his identity. She decided it was time to formulate a plan. Somehow she would have to catch him in the act. But how? So far, there had not been a set time when the cards appeared on her desk. The first time was after her lunch break and the second time was after her afternoon break. Should she eat lunch at her desk and skip breaks in order to force his hand or would this stop him altogether? No, she would have to pretend she was eating in the cafeteria in order to catch him. He obviously was not ready for her to know his identity.
When lunch rolled around, she grabbed her sandwich and walked toward the cafeteria as always, but then doubled back and slipped back in the door. She edged around the wall until she was in the back of the office and chose a seat where she could just catch a glimpse of the general direction of her desk. It was close to the door and anyone leaving the room would have to pass it. She could not actually see the desk itself, but she could watch her coworkers as they came and went from lunch. She hoped she had not been spotted leaving the lunchroom, but usually everyone was too concerned about getting to the cafeteria to pay much attention. About halfway through her lunch break, she saw Kevin stride in. Oh no, she thought. It is him! Her stomach dropped.
It wasn’t that she hated him, but he would never be the type to stay wit
h one girl for long. He prided himself on being a ladies’ man and she was probably the only single girl left in the office that he hadn’t dated. Just then, Jim walked in and over to Kevin, who was standing next to her desk. They talked briefly. She was not sure what Jim said to Kevin, but he took off towards his desk and began shuffling through some papers, haphazardly thrown in pile. She watched to see if Jim lagged behind Kevin and much to her surprise, he did. Did he send Kevin off on some mission to get rid of him? Maybe. However, both of them had the opportunity to slyly drop the card on her desk. She tried to picture what their faces had looked like as they stood by her desk. It’s useless, she thought. If it was them, they would certainly have appeared inconspicuous just in case they were being watched.
Lunch break was nearly over when Brad appeared in the doorway. He sat on the edge of her desk as he looked around the room in a purposeful manner. She shrunk back behind a file cabinet to make sure he couldn’t see her. He lounged there for a minute or two before some other people starting filing into the room, and then he got up and joined the group. She watched the group slowly dwindle as everyone dispersed to his or her desk. Three…three to choose from. That is, if there is a card on the desk. It could still be none of them.
As the room filled up and she felt less noticeable, she eased her way over to her desk. She tried to get a glimpse of it before she arrived there. There was the card, sitting there. She never really expected it to be. Well, that seriously narrows it down, she thought. She walked a little faster, scared that a passersby would also see the card and start asking questions. She grabbed it and stuck it in her purse just as before. She felt a little lightheaded, but wasn’t sure if that was from the card or simply having skipped lunch. She really didn’t care. She was about to reveal her secret admirer.
That night, she laid out the three cards on the kitchen table in a row. The third card simply contained the usual Valentine gesture BE mine with the same old signature at the end. Nothing life altering in this one, either. She had thought since she had narrowed it down to the three, maybe something in there would give her a definite answer. Surely some part of his personality must be apparent in these cards. She wondered if she would keep receiving cards right up until Valentine’s Day. She must take that into consideration, as it might be a clue.
She began going through the list of what she did know. The cards were all red. She didn’t think that mattered much. Most Valentine’s Day cards were red. There could possibly be clues in the notes written inside. All of this is utterly ridiculous, she thought. I’m so stupid, trying to read something into this when it still could be some kind of joke. She wasn’t sure it wasn’t. Whoever sent these cards probably had nothing in mind but just simply sending a card. A little office crush. They probably did this every year, same cards, different person. Probably nothing behind it at all. Just for fun or to get a laugh.
She wouldn’t know anything about it, of course, because no one ever talked to her about anything but business. She made sure of that. Her mind drifted back to her original task. She stared at the cards, closed them and then opened them again. The first message, Romance… what could that mean? Nothing unusual. Just a word that’s always associated with the holiday. The second and third cards… Only you and BE mine. Hmmm… that is a little bit strange. They sound very personal. Like he really does have eyes only for me. She tossed this idea around a little bit, feeling good about her situation again. She decided to end the night on that note.
As she prepared for bed, she wondered if she could feel the same way about any of them as her secret admirer did about her. That is, except for Kevin. She knew how she felt about Kevin. She would not even entertain the idea that it was Kevin. She marked him off the list in her mind. Brad or Jim. Both were nice looking in her opinion and both seemed to be good people. But could she have romantic feelings for either of them? She could not picture it. For now, she would just relish the fact that someone found her so irresistible. She closed her eyes, lingering in the happiness she felt, realizing in a few days it could be over.
Only three days until Valentine’s now. She hurried back from lunch to see if a note was waiting for her. No. She hadn’t been worried. She had thought it would be there after her last break, but it wasn’t. She panicked. What happened? Did she scare him off? She suddenly felt ashamed of herself. How had she gotten to this point? She could not believe this was her life. A few days ago she was living such a safe, secure existence, if a bit boring. Now, she was sneaking around the office, acting insane. She was at once embarrassed. This was not who I really am, she thought. She felt like a complete fool. She had to get hold of herself. Why had she let herself get caught up in all this nonsense? Someone was playing with her feelings. How cruel! She should have known this would happen if she let her guard down. People were not to be trusted. That night, she cried until exhaustion finally forced her to sleep.
The next day, Helen dressed for work, donning her business suit again. She pulled her hair up in a familiar bun and headed out the door. She tried to make believe that she wasn’t watching for a note, but deep down she was. Kevin made a remark about having another makeover but she was not fazed. She just hoped no one had seen her make such a fool of herself. When lunch approached, she tried to forget the excitement she had known just a few days ago. She dragged herself to the cafeteria and tried to choke down her lunch. To pass the time, she watched the others going about their day and then slowly put up her half-eaten sandwich and made her way back to her desk.
It was the day before Valentine’s Day. Cindy tried to talk to her, but she just gave her a cold stare. As she jerked her head around to avoid more conversation, she noticed another card on her desk. She felt suddenly ashamed of her behavior and she apologized to Cindy. She rushed over to her desk to make sure her eyes did not deceive her. It was another card!
This time, she opened the card in plain view. The waiting was beginning to take a toll on her. The card read Red roses. These stupid notes were starting to get on her nerves. A word or two on each note, all pertaining to Valentine’s Day was really nothing special. She felt like she was on an emotional roller coaster. She was glad tomorrow might be the last of this. She didn’t think she could take much more. So far, nothing stood out as clue to her admirer.
That night she lined the cards up again to see if she could find any clue, no matter how small. She walked around the table, looking at the cards from different angles. She scrutinized the handwriting to see if she recognized it. But… it couldn’t be. A light went on. All of the sudden she noticed something she had not seen before. It stood out it plain view to her now. She knew! Tomorrow when she got the last card she knew what the clue would be. Now she had a new dilemma. What was she going to do?
I guess I’ll have all night to think about it because there’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep, she thought as she grabbed a coat. She decided to go for a walk so she could think this situation out. Even the cold air failed to clear her head. Her thoughts swirled with each scenario she imagined, but none of them came to a definite conclusion. Finally, sheer mental exhaustion forced her home. She needed to get a little sleep if possible. She fell into bed, and before she knew it, the alarm clock was sounding. She felt tired and drained and unsure of what to do. She nervously dressed, but hesitated before leaving the apartment. Maybe she should just stay home today, and she would not have to face the inevitable.
Her indecisiveness made her late for work, something that had never happened before. Just as she approached her office door, she saw Kevin drop something on the desk. Her eyes followed his hand as the red Valentine’s card dropped onto her keyboard. To anyone paying attention, her face would have shown a look of horror and disbelief. She realized she stood transfixed and jerked back from the doorway, out of view, so he would not see her. It felt like her world had suddenly ended. It can’t be him, she thought desperately.
She never saw those clues. She just wanted them to be there. She had made herself believe it, believ
e who she wanted it to be. It was just a coincidence. No. He put those clues there to fool her purposely. No! To make a fool out of her purposely. Her loathing of him turned to hatred. It was a joke, after all. He was just waiting until the right time to spring it on her. Probably his way of getting her back for refusing his advances. Who knew why a person like him got a kick out of torturing other people?
She waited behind the door for a few minutes while the coast cleared and then made her way to her desk. She opened the card and it said exactly what she thought it would. Or at least what she thought the next clue would be. Together. In smaller writing at the bottom of the note, it said Tomorrow at 2 o’clock at the little restaurant around the corner. Her eyes flew to the signature below, your secret admirer.
At least she found out before she made a complete fool of herself. Maybe she should just show up and confront him. Too easy. She didn’t believe in revenge, but she thought he needed a dose of his own medicine. She decided then and there to administer it when the right time came. She was sure if she waited that situation would come along sooner or later. Still, she could barely hold back the tears. She was hurt and humiliated. To think she was so caught up in this charade. She tore up the card, threw it in the trash, and did something totally out of character. She went home.