It was a hierarchy of enormity, towering over her, endless expansions of scale up into the dark.
But of the Galaxy center itself, she could only see a tight, impenetrable cluster of stars – many thousands of them, swarming impossibly close together, closer to each other than the planets of the Solar System. Whatever structure lay deeper still was hidden by those crowded acolyte stars.
The Gaijin still stood on the ridge, silhouetted against the pulsar's glow, hatefully silent.
Malenfant still hadn't returned. Madeleine tried to imagine what was going through his head as he tried to submit himself to an unknown alien horror that would, it seemed, take apart even his humanity.
Madeleine got to her feet and stalked up to the Gaijin, confronting it. She was aware of Neandertals watching her curiously. They signed to each other, obscurely. Look at crazy flathead.
Madeleine shouted. "Why can't you leave us alone? You came to our planet uninvited, you used up our resources, you screwed up our history –"
The Gaijin swiveled with eerie precision. WE MINED ASTEROIDS YOU PROBABLY WOULD NEVER HAVE REACHED. WITHOUT US YOU WOULD HAVE REMAINED UNAWARE OF THE CRACKERS UNTIL THEY REACHED THE HEART OF YOUR SYSTEM. AS TO YOUR HISTORY, THAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. WE DID NOT INTERVENE. MOST OF YOU WOULD NOT HAVE WISHED THAT ANYHOW.
"You fucking immortal robots, you're so damn smug. But for all your powers, you need Malenfant... But why Malenfant, for God's sake?"
REID MALENFANT IS SELF-SELECTED. MADELEINE MEACHER, RECALL THAT HE MADE HIS WAY, SINGLE-HANDED, TO THE CENTER OF OUR PROJECTS TWICE OVER, FIRST THROUGH THE ALPHA CENTAURI GATEWAY AND THEN THROUGH IO.
"Reid Malenfant is a stubborn, dogged son-of-a-bitch. But he is still just a human being. Must he die?"
The Gaijin hesitated, for long minutes, then said, HE WILL NOT DIE.
No, she thought. He must endure something much more strange than that. As he seemed to know.
The Gaijin raised one spindly leg, as if inspecting it. MADELEINE MEACHER, IF YOU WISH US TO SPARE HIM, WE WILL COMPLY.
She was taken aback. "What has it to do with me?"
YOU ARE HUMAN. YOU ARE MALENFANT'S FRIEND. YOU MADE A SACRIFICE OF YOUR OWN, TO FOLLOW HIM HERE. AND SO YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITY. IF YOU WISH US TO SPARE MALENFANT, THEN SAY SO. WE WILL COMPLY.
"And then what?"
WE HAVE SADDLE POINT GATEWAYS. WE CAN SEND HIM HOME, TO EARTH. BOTH OF YOU. WE CANNOT AVOID THE TIME DISLOCATION. BUT YOU CAN LIVE ON.
"Even if he wants to go on?"
IT IS HARD FOR MALENFANT TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE. FOR ANY HUMAN THIS WOULD BE SO. YOUR DECISION OVERRIDES HIS.
"And if you let him go – then what about the project, the sail?"
WE MUST FIND ANOTHER WAY.
"The reboot would become inevitable."
WE MUST FIND ANOTHER WAY.
Madeleine sank to the grass. Shit, she thought. She hadn't expected this.
The notion of saving a Galaxy of sentient creatures from arbitrary annihilation was too big – too much for her to imagine, too grandiose. But she had lived through the overwhelming destructiveness of the attempted ET colonization of the Solar System, found evidence of the other wasteful waves of horror of the deep past. She had seen it for herself.
And you once built a world, Madeleine. You've been known to show a little hubris yourself.
If this project succeeds, perhaps humans, and species like them, would never have to suffer such an ordeal again. Isn't one man's life worth such a prize?
But who am I to make that call?
There was another option, she thought, that neither of them had expressed, neither she nor the Gaijin.
It doesn't have to be Malenfant. Maybe I could take his place. Save him, and progress the project anyhow.
She wrapped her arms around herself. Malenfant is full of doubt and fear. Even now he might not be able to make it, make the sacrifice. But he is out there gathering his strength, his purpose. I could never emulate that.
The Gaijin waited with metallic patience.
"Take him," she whispered, hating herself as she uttered the words. "Take Malenfant." Take him; spare me.
And, as soon as she made the choice, she remembered Malenfant's inexplicable coldness when she had arrived here.
She had ended up betraying him. Just as, she realized now, he had known she would, right from the beginning.
She buried her face in her hands.
After maybe a full day, Malenfant returned. Madeleine was sitting beside a sluggish stream, desultorily watching the evolution of Galaxy-core gas streamers.
Malenfant came running up.
He threw himself to the grass beside her. He was sweating, his bald pate slick, and he was breathing hard. "Jogging," he said. "Clears the head." He curled to a sitting position, catlike. "This is a hell of a thing, isn't it, Madeleine? Who would have thought it?... Nemoto should see me now. My mom should see me now." The change in him was startling. He seemed vigorous, rested, confident, focused. Even cheerful.
But she could see the battered photograph of his dead wife tucked into his sleeve.
She hugged her knees, full of guilt, unable to meet his eyes. "Have you decided what to do?"
"There's no real choice, is there?"
Tentatively she reached for his hand; he grabbed it, squeezed hard, his calm strength evident. "Malenfant, aren't you afraid?"
He shrugged. "I was afraid the first time I climbed aboard a shuttle orbiter, sitting up there on top of millions of tons of high explosive, in a rickety old ship that had been flying thirty years already. I was afraid the first time I looked into a Saddle Point gateway, not knowing what lay beyond. But I still climbed aboard that shuttle, still went through the gateway." He glanced at her. "What about you? After..."
"After you're dead?" she snapped impulsively.
He flinched, and she instantly regretted it.
She told him about the Gaijin's offer of a ride home.
"Take it. Go see Earth, Madeleine."
"But it won't be my Earth."
He shrugged. "What else is there?"
"I've been thinking," she said shyly. "What if we – the sentients of the Galaxy, of this generation – do manage to come through the next reboot? What if this time we don't have to go back to the ponds? What if we get a chance to keep on building? If I keep on rattling around the Saddle Point gateways, maybe I'll get to see some of that."
He nodded. "Beaming between the stars, while the network gets extended. Onward and onward, without limit. I like it."
"Yeah." She glanced up. "Maybe I'll get to see Andromeda, before I die. Or maybe not."
"There are worse ambitions."
"Malenfant. Come with me."
He shook his head. "Can't do it, Madeleine. I've thought it over. And I bought Cassiopeia's pitch." He looked up at the sky. "You know, as a kid I used to lie at night out on the lawn, soaking up dew and looking at the stars, trying to feel the Earth turning under me. It felt wonderful to be alive – hell, to be ten years old, anyhow. But I knew that the Earth was just a ball of rock, on the fringe of a nondescript galaxy. I just couldn't believe, even then, that there was nobody out there looking back at me down here. But I used to wonder what would be the point of my life, of human existence, if the universe really was empty. What would there be for us to do but survive, doggedly, as long as possible? Which didn't seem too attractive a prospect to me.
"Well, now I know the universe isn't empty, but crowded with life. And, even with the wars and extinctions and all, isn't that better than the alternative – better than nothing? And you know, I think I even figured out the purpose of our lives in such a universe – mine, anyhow. To make it better for those who follow us. What else is there to do?" He glanced at her, eyes cloudy. "Does that make any sense?"
"Yes. But, Malenfant, the cost –"
"Nemoto said it would be like this. Humans can't change history, except this way. One of us, alone, going to the edge –"
Suddenly it was too much
for her; she covered her face with her hands. "Fuck history, Malenfant. Fuck the destiny of the universe. We're talking about you."
He put an arm around her shoulders; he was warm, his body still hot from his run. "It's okay," he said, trying to soothe her. "It's okay. You know what? I think the Gaijin are jealous. Jealous, of us wretched little pink worms. Because we got something they don't, something more precious than all the Swiss-Army-knife body parts in the universe, something more precious than a billion years of life."
But now the Gaijin stood before them, suddenly there, tall and stark.
"So soon, Cassiopeia?" Malenfant said, his voice unsteady.
I AM SORRY, MALENFANT.
Malenfant straightened up, withdrew his arm from Madeleine's shoulders. She felt the reluctance in the gesture. She'd provided him comfort after all, she realized; by caring for her, he had been able to put off confronting the reality of it all. But now, in the silent person of the Gaijin, the reality was here, and he had to face it alone.
But here was old Esau, grinning from one side to the other of his flat face, deep eyes full of starlight. He was signing: the fist to the forehead, then left palm flat upright, supporting the right fist, which was making a thumb's-up gesture. Hey, Stupid. I'll help you.
Malenfant signed back. What help me what what?
Forefinger and middle finger together, on both hands, held out like a knife; a sharp chop downward, a stark, unmistakable sign. To die.
Chapter 34
The Children's Crusade
Cassiopeia embraced him.
He was pulled into her body, articulating arms folding about him. He could smell the burning tang of metal that had been exposed to vacuum, to the light of a hundred different Suns. And now finer arms, no more than tendrils, began to probe at his body, his skin, his mouth, his eyes.
Through a mist of metal cilia, he could see Madeleine on the hillside before him, weeping openly. "Tell them about me, Madeleine. Don't let them forget."
"I will. I promise."
Now warm metal probed at his ears, the membranes of his mouth, even his eyes. Probed and pierced, a dozen stabs of sharp pain. Then came an insidious penetration, and he could taste blood. "It hurts, Madeleine." He cried out; he couldn't help it. "Oh, God!"
But now Esau was before him, signing vigorously. Stupid Stupid. Watch me me.
Malenfant tried to focus as the pain deepened.
Esau sat on the hillside. By the light of Galaxy-center stars, he held out a core of obsidian.
Malenfant reached forward. His bare arms trailed long shining tendrils, back to the cold body of the Gaijin, within which he was merging. He could move his fingers, he found. But they glinted, metallic.
Esau was still holding out the glassy rock, thrusting it at him.
Malenfant took the rock. He could feel its rough texture, but remotely, as if through a layer of plastic. He turned it over in his hands.
Esau held up a fresh lump of obsidian, hammers of bone and rock. He signed bluntly to Malenfant. Same as me, Stupid. Do same as me. Copy.
Obediently, Malenfant set to work, tapping clumsily at the rock, emulating Esau's movements, practicing this most ancient of human crafts twenty-five thousand light-years from home.
"The Buddhists have a doctrine of anatta," Madeleine murmured. "It means, no self. Or rather, the self is only temporary, like an idea or a story. 'Actions do exist, and also their consequences, but the person that acts does not'... It won't be so bad, Malenfant. Some people can do this for themselves. Some choose it..."
She was weeping, he saw, the tears leaking out of closed eyes. Weeping for him. But he must not think about her. He tried to bury himself in the tasks. He focused on the work, the movements of his hands and arms. He would think about Madeleine – and put the thought aside. The differences between his own hands and the Neandertal's struck him, frustrating him with his own clumsiness. But he must put aside that thought too.
For brief periods, he got it. It was as if he saw the stone, the tool he was making, with a kind of stunning clarity: the thing itself, not the geologic processes that had produced the raw material, not the mysterious interstellar gateways that had brought him and the stone to this place, not even the tool's ultimate purpose. Just the thing, and the act.
But then the spell would be broken, and plans and analyses and self-consciousness would return to clutter up his head, an awareness of Madeleine and Cassiopeia, and Esau, the trees and grass and the heart of the Galaxy, and the pain, that penetrated right to his core.
"You have to let it go, Malenfant," Madeleine whispered. "Don't think. Live in the now, the present moment. If ideas come up, reflections, memories, hopes, fears, let them go. Butterflies, flitting out the window. Treat everything equally. Don't filter, don't focus. Watch Esau..."
Esau, yes.
Malenfant was like an observer. But Esau was the rock he worked in its deep chthonic richness, in a way Malenfant perhaps could never be. It was a smooth, rolling, fleeting form of awareness, without past or future, memory or anticipation. It was like driving a car while holding a conversation. Like being stoned. Or like being five years old, and every moment a delicious Saturday morning.
Madeleine was still talking, but he could make out no words. She was receding, as if dissolving.
Good-bye, good-bye.
He closed his eyes.
...No, it wasn't like that:
Eyes that were closed.
There was a blue flash, a moment of searing pain.
"Emma!" he cried.
And then –
Limbs that worked. Tactile, graceful. Tasks that were progressed.
The rope: complex, multilevel, a thing of monomolecular filaments, superconducting threads within. The extension of the rope, the repair of breaks, the tasks of the limbs.
Visual receptors, eyes. A repositioning.
Data nets above, below, all around, a great curving wall. At extremes, a flat-infinite plane, in every direction: the sail.
Above, the spitting neutron star, its envelope of gas.
Here, a body, a spiderlike form of many limbs, a dodecahedral box at the center. Multiple tasks for those limbs. The sail that was repaired, extended; the body that was maintained, adjusted, itself extended; records that were kept; a mesh of communications with others that was maintained, extended.
Other workers.
Some near. Some far. Some as this body, a common design. Millions of them. Some not. Tasks that were progressed.
The structure. Vibrations, the shudder of torn threads. Complex modes, wave forms in space and time.
War, in a remote part of the sail.
A position that was adjusted, an anchoring of the body that was improved and secured.
The work that was progressed in one part of the sail, war in other parts.
The anchoring. The self-maintenance. The work.
The universe, of tasks, of things.
No center.
...And he felt as if he were drowning, struggling up from some thick, viscous fluid, toward the light. He wanted to open his mouth, to scream – but he had no mouth, and no words. What would he scream?
I.
I am.
I am Malenfant...
No. Not just Malenfant. Malenfant / Esau / Cassiopeia.
The pain!
The shuddering of the net. The anchoring. The work that was progressed...
No! More than that. I feel the shudder. I must hold on to the net; I must continue the work, in the hope that sanity will prevail, the conflict is resolved, the work is continued, the greater goal achieved.
Thus it must be. Oh, God, the pain.
Terror flooded over him. And love. And anger.
He could see the sail.
It was a gauzy sheet draped across the crowded stars of this place. And within the sail, cupped, he could see the neutron star, an angry ball of red laced with eerie synchrotron blue, like a huge toy.
Beautiful. Scary.
And he saw it with
eyes beyond the human.
He saw the sleeting rays that flowed beyond the human spectrum: the sail's dazzle of ultraviolet, the sullen infrared glower of the star itself. He saw the sail, its curves, the star, from a dozen angles, as if the whole impossible, unlikely structure was a mote that swam within his own Godlike eyeball, visible from all sides at once, as if it had been flayed and pinned to a board before him.
And he saw the whole project embedded in time, the sail unfurling, growing, the star's slow, reluctant deflection. He saw its origins – the sail shared design features with the artifact that had been found cupping a black hole in the system of the species called Chaera; perhaps it too was a relic of those vanished builders.
And he even saw it all through the gauzy eyes of mathematics. He could see the brutal equations of gravity and electromagnetism that governed the drag of the star's remote companion, the push of star on sail and sail on star; and he could see, like shining curves extending ahead of and back from this single moment, how those equations would unfold, the evolution of the system through time, out of the past, through the now, and into the future.
Not enough, he saw.
Still the construction of the sail was outpaced by the neutron stars' approach. The project was projected to fail; the stars were mathematically destined to collide before the sail's deflection was done, the great gamma-ray burst lethally mocking their efforts. But they must, they would, try harder, the toiling communities here.
...And if you see all this, Malenfant, then what are you? God knows you're no mathematician.
He looked down at himself.
Tried to.
His gaze swiveled, yes, his vision sparkling with superhuman spectra. But his head did not turn.
Manifold: Space Page 53