“I ordered from the Pub Pizzeria, I hope that’s okay? It should be here soon. Come sit with me.” She grabbed a glass of dark beer from the counter and led me to the couch. The same couch I kissed her on. The same kiss I can’t get out of my damn mind. I took another deep drink of my poison. God help me!
“I love that place,” I answered.
It was quiet. The soft sound of music filtered through the room. It was barely audible. The female’s voice reminded me of Elizabeth’s.
“This is really beautiful music, she sounds like you.” I let my grin take over my face as I watched a pleasant blush creep up her cheeks and down her chest disappearing below her sweater. I felt a sudden urge to touch her. I was out of my damn mind.
“Wow thanks, that’s a real compliment.” Her smile was playful.
Before I could ask who it was the doorbell rang. As Liz got the pizza and paid the delivery guy, I took the time to reign in my thoughts. We were friends, friends. I couldn’t take her into my darkness. I knew I was being dramatic, but because I liked her I had to keep her at a distance. Otherwise, I’d just break her. I had… have too much crazy baggage. It’s one thing for my childhood to be like it was, but I’d killed people. My time in the Middle East was riddled with death and destruction. I couldn’t let that blackness snuff out her light. I took a deep breath and swallowed down the rest of my drink.
“Whoa, slow down cowboy, you just got here.” Elizabeth chuckled.
“Before I forget…” I reached into my wallet for some cash. “I’m paying for the pizza, so don’t argue.” I could see she really wanted to argue.
The night was turning out to be what I wanted. Safe. Fun. Friendly. We ate pizza played more twenty questions. I found out her favorite animal is the elephant. She hates mornings, loves fall and thinks Valentine’s Day is a capitalistic load of shit. Her favorite holiday is Halloween and the thing she hates the most about Todd is how he picks his teeth when he doesn’t think people are watching. I made a mental note to look for that. She never once asked me anything too personal. I had a feeling she knew what she was doing.
I was starting to feel the effects of my beer. I hadn’t realized I’d finished off the six pack. The music in the room swirled as the female from earlier sang about summertime. The song was so rich and her voice was like honey. I felt trapped in it.
“I like this song,” I murmured.
“Yeah, it’s one of my favorites.” She handed me a large pint of dark lager.
“I probably shouldn’t drink this.”
“Sawyer, don’t be a lightweight. We haven’t even started the movie yet.” She teasingly shoved me with her shoulder. I took a small sip of the bitter brew and placed it on the coffee table. I turned slightly and I noticed Elizabeth was staring at me.
“Why do you have such a big wall up?” She considered me with sad eyes.
Shit! “Why do you ask questions you know you won’t get the answer to?” I said flatly. I chugged half the beer she gave me.
“Sawyer?” she whispered. “Do you think pushing people away makes you strong? It doesn’t, it makes you weak, and I can tell that you are far from weak.” She reached her hand out to touch my face. I grabbed her wrists. I’d known her for like what, a heartbeat, and she thought she knew me? My eyes, hard, met hers. The disappointment that flashed across her blue eyes shook me. I inwardly sighed as I loosened my grip on her wrist. I didn’t let go. Instead, I took her hand in mine. I was kidding myself. She had me pegged from day one.
“Elizabeth look, to be honest, I feel like I have nothing to offer you and you have… so much to give.” A sad smile popped across her face. I took my free hand and placed it on her cheek. I gradually rubbed my thumb along her jaw line. Her skin was like velvet. She parted her lips, fully grabbing my attention. I was trapped again. Her mouth was all I could see and I had to taste it. I lost any psychical control I had. I brought my mouth to hers and could feel the smoothness of her lips envelop me. A quiet sound of need escaped her as I trailed my other hand up her arm and to her neck. She lightly pulled at my bottom lip with her teeth. It felt just as amazing as I had remembered, a low rumble emanated from my throat.
I’m not sure if it was the alcohol or the pure drug of her I was high on, but I was unable to stop myself from needing her one moment longer. Her scent was intoxicating, filling my mind with a haze of longing. As I started to kiss her jaw, she tilted her head back to allow me access to the divine curve of her neck. Her skin smelled floral but tasted sweeter than any dessert I had ever eaten. Her breathing picked up and she pulled my face back to her mouth colliding her lips to mine. The kiss became fierce. As she tangled her hands in my hair, I deftly placed my arm around her waist and laid her down on the cushion of the couch. Her entire body was pressed against mine. Our breathing fast and our need palpable, I had to find the will to stop. Stop, stop, I chanted in my head. As if she knew I was starting to pull away, put the wall back up, Elizabeth took my face in her hands. She looked me in the eyes, her blues digging deep into my soul.
“Sawyer, don’t stop,” her voice was husky. I placed my forehead against hers, trying to catch my breath.
Holding my body weight with my forearms we laid there for what seemed like forever before I spoke, “I don’t want to, believe me, but if you really want this, us, then we have to take it slow. I need to make sure I won’t hurt you. I need to know I can emotionally have you before I physically take you.”
‘”Take me?” her question was just a whisper. I chose not to answer.
“I’ve had a pretty fucked up life. What you’re taking on, trust me, it’s not worth it.” I placed my hand over her mouth before she could argue. “I mean, I’ve never had a real relationship. I’ve never opened myself up completely. I want to try with you Liz, I do. So we have to do it right. I want you to be mine. Heart, soul, and body. I just need it to be on my terms, okay?”
“Okay,” she said breathlessly and kissed me softly on the lips.
These kisses were soft and delicate. I struggled with control as his hard body, delightful and heavy, pushed me deep into the couch. What did he mean when he said, ‘take me?’ I think I had a reasonable idea and it just fired me up even more. He slowly shifted his body up and I followed him never releasing his mouth. Kneeling together on my couch, his hands worked up and down my body, lingering on my hips and pulling me deeper into his embrace. I skated my hand under the hem of his shirt and felt his stomach twitch and his moan at my touch. I took that as an invitation to keep exploring. I started to lift his shirt, but he gripped my hands and shook his head.
“Please?” I pleaded between kisses. He took a moment then did as I asked. He quickly shed his black long sleeve shirt to the floor. I’d seen his body before, but now I got to touch it. He was all hard planes and perfectly formed stone. I startled as I realized he had small scars littered across his chest. He shifted beneath my gaze. “Sawyer,” I whispered. My hands traced the outline of what seemed like a possible bullet wound? His stomach twitched at my touch and a soft exhale of breath escaped his lips. My eyes took in all the scarred pock marks and the small gash-like puckered line that drew along his side. “Sawyer… what…?” I knew what had happened. He was a SEAL. He’d seen things I could never imagine.
“Sometimes things don’t always go as you plan when you’re playing against an enemy that doesn’t play fair,” his voice was low.
“I think you’re brave… beautiful… ” I didn’t finish my thought because I had to kiss him right then. I reverently trailed my hand down his chest, past his solid stomach muscles, to the top of his jeans. My thumb dipping into the top of his pants, his breath hitched. I smiled against his mouth. My smile faltered just as quick when he hastily, but gently grabbed my wrists.
“Elizabeth,” he hissed in warning, his voice carnal and coarse. I took his challenge and kept my eyes locked with his. Never releasing my wrist, he pushed me back down, deep into the couch. My hands pinned above my head, he pressed his hips hard against mi
ne with a rough groan. My heart swelled and my mind hungry, I deepened my kiss. Our tongues intermingling, lips being nipped and pulled, the kiss became more than a kiss; it felt unrestrained and filled with desire. I never wanted it to stop. I was ready for him to take me now if he wanted.
“Liz,” he whispered against my lips. “We have to stop, I won’t be able to control myself if we keep this up.”
“Who says I want you to control it?” I gave him my best sexy smile.
Groaning, Sawyer released my pinned body from its lustful state. “Let’s just watch the movie.” He reached for his shirt.
“Wait, please don’t put your shirt on. I want to lay with you and watch the movie.”
He looked at me with skeptical green eyes.
“I’ll behave, I promise,” I giggled.
“You’re the devil,” he said, his laugh deep. “You can still lie with me with my shirt on.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead, then pulled his shirt on over his head. As he did, I noticed another small tattoo, a phrase or word I couldn’t decipher. It was up high and ran along his inner bicep.
“What does that tattoo say?”
I watched as his eyes turned dark and his once playful face fell to an emotionless facade.
“The one on my hip? I thought I told you?” He scooted forward on the couch, resting his elbows on his knees. He rubbed his temples, his jaw tight.
I wasn’t sure what to do. His body language begged me to leave it, but I’d been so open with him. It was his turn. So I decided to press a bit further.
“No Sawyer, the one on your inner arm, the writing is so small, at least I think it was writing I saw.” I moved closer to him and let my hand trace his inner arm. His skin now covered with the sleeve of his shirt. I was itching to read what it said. He pinched the bridge of his nose with his other unoccupied hand. I was rubbing small circles into his palm. I wanted to soothe his now hard exterior. “You don’t have to tell me, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
He let out a sigh. “It says… Forgive me.”
“For what?” I asked, my eyes looking deep into his. He matched my gaze for a second then stood. He dropped my hand. “Where are you going?” I asked, my voice a bit higher with worry.
“I should go, I… I… I just need to go.” He walked briskly to the door and grabbed his coat off the rack.
“Sawyer? What’s going on? Please talk to me. Stay. We haven’t even finished—”
“I appreciate everything, I had a great time.” He opened the door. My heart was beating so fast. I knew at this moment that I’d screwed up, pushed too hard. I really liked him and now I was sensing my moment in time with him was done.
“Please, don’t go. I feel like a jerk. I shouldn’t have… I mean… just stay, okay?” my voice was soft yet pleading.
He lightly shook his head and hesitated half in the door and half out. I reached out and touched his arm.
“Stay,” I whispered. He looked down at my hand. I saw how small it looked compared to him. This man, this hard man with secrets that were obviously hurting him, slowly undermining who he could be if he would just let the secrets free. He looked at my face, his eyes lingering on my mouth, I swear he was memorizing, cataloging each feature. His lips a hard line, he gave me a curt nod and walked away.
I don’t know how long I stood in my door. I wanted to cry. I felt like I’d ruined the first good thing I’d had in years. The door clicked behind me as I shut it and my back slid down against the door. I felt the tears begin to form. My mind unraveling, my chest hurting, I sat there on the floor.
It’s just a tattoo.
“It’s just a freaking tattoo,” I yelled. Sniffling like an idiot, I stood up to find my phone. I mean who the hell gets a tattoo that no one is supposed to see? I realized that he had issues, bucket loads obviously, but I wasn’t giving up on him. I grabbed my phone and started typing.
Me: Look, I know you have some things you need to work out, but you’re not allowed to just throw me away like that!
After about twenty minutes of no response, I figured he had done just that, thrown me away. This night ended in a ball of flames. I brushed my teeth, threw on some pajama pants and my favorite worn-out, long-sleeved T-shirt. I’m used to being alone, the quiet doesn’t bother me. I like it. Another twenty minutes passed and I was literally a ball of nerves. I hated being alone. I hated the quiet! Just as I was about to lose my mind, my phone sounded. I prayed to the phone gods that it was him. Inhaling a deep breath, I opened my phone. It was indeed from Sawyer. I let out a huge breath and my chest slowly untightened.
Sawyer: I have so many things to be forgiven for. So many. You can’t imagine the things I’ve done. I think now I have another. I am sorry for how I left. I don’t want to hurt you, but God help me, I feel like we should try again. I can’t get your face, your taste, your smell out of my mind. I want to know what you are doing right this second, I want to be part of who you are, in your life. I know how ridiculous this all may sound, I just really like you Liz. I’m so tired of denying myself what I need.
My mind was swimming, my heart beating so fast, his words hitting deep into my being.
Me: Then stop denying yourself. I want you in my life, I want to know you, the real you. I don’t care about anything you think you’ve done wrong in your past. The past should stay in the past.
Sawyer: Can I take you out tomorrow?
A small smile on my lips, my heart leaped.
Me: Of course. I have a solo show at The Lounge at ten. Can we meet before that? You could come with me to the show if you wanted after.
Sawyer: Ok I’ll pick you up at 7. Dinner ok?
Me: Sounds great.
Sawyer: I don’t deserve this you know.
Me: Stop your whining, it’s very unattractive. ;)
Sawyer: Seriously though, thanks for the second chance.
Me: Don’t mess it up ;)
Sawyer: Goodnight.
Me: Goodnight you…
There was no way of knowing if this would work, but something inside of me knew it would.
Forgive me for I have sinned. I stared at the tattoo below my arm. Written in black it said, ‘Forgive me,’ underneath the words were three small dashes. Forgive me for I have taken innocent life. As a SEAL I was expected to kill or be killed, so I killed and I did it well. I tried not to think about it. I tried to push the thoughts away every day. I wasn’t sad for the evil I had wiped from this earth, not one fucking tear would be shed for them. However, the innocent woman and small child that were in the wrong place at the wrong time, I would never forgive. Leaving my mother behind to fend for herself against my tyrant father, I would never forgive. I wore this tattoo, this mark as a reminder of who I had become.
I wasn’t sure why I’d taken Elizabeth out. I knew I needed to work out all the crap in my head before I was ready to be with someone. Last night I had to literally pull myself down those stairs. I knew she was good, she was good for me. Elizabeth was smart and talented. I could tell that she was starting to like me. She made my rock cold heart feel something other than pain. I was bad, I was bad for her. Across from me at the table sat the most remarkable woman I’d ever known. Elizabeth looked so pretty tonight. She wore a dark green oversized sweater that slightly hung off her shoulder. Her dark hair, vivid with red undertones, was braided and pulled to the side. Her skin looked silky like milk glass. I wanted to run my finger down her collar bone, kiss the hollow beneath it, wrap her braid around my hand and kiss her deep, beyond…
“Sawyer?” Elizabeth chuckled. “Are you even listening to me?”
Pulling my eyes to hers I felt self-conscious. “What were you saying?”
She pulled her eyebrows inward. “What were you just thinking about?”
Elizabeth looked worried, no not worried, she looked insecure. “Honestly? I was thinking about kissing you.” I kept my gaze on hers and grinned.
A loud laughter emanated from her lips. “Wow, I don’t know whether to be f
lattered or annoyed? I guess I’ll go with flattered. I’m so distractingly beautiful you can’t concentrate on a simple question.” She cocked one eyebrow up in a mocking gesture.
“You have no idea.” I marveled at the soft blush that painted her cheeks, and how her eyes casted down in embarrassment. “I apologize, what was your question?”
“What are you going to school for?” She took a small nervous bite of her pasta. I hesitated. I hadn’t told anyone yet that I’d dropped out. I never made it to that Friday morning class. I withdrew from all my classes the morning I ran into her at the pond. She took a sip of her wine. “Well?” she asked again with a grin.
“Well, I was thinking of pre-med, but I’m not really the academic type. I… I actually withdrew from school. Literally this past Friday.” I held my breath, nervous about the lecture I would be getting next.
“Really? Why? I mean, what do you think you want to do?” Her tone was pleasant, curious but pleasant. It held no judgment or anger. I exhaled the breath I was holding.
“I really love making things out of wood. In high school, I took shop and learned a lot. I love making something out of nothing. I want to start my own business, making cabinets and furniture. I’m not sure how great I am at it, but a buddy of mine from California is coming up next week to help me figure some stuff out. He always said I had talent.”
Elizabeth smiled so big my heart filled with pleasure. “That’s amazing Sawyer! Besides the world has enough doctors.” She winked at me over her glass of wine. I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel acceptance from anyone. In that moment, I gave a part of my heart to Elizabeth Haddington.
Still Life (Forever Still #1) Page 7