Still Life (Forever Still #1)

by A. M. Johnson

  “Have you ever thought of why they were at a known terrorist location?” She looked at me with questioning eyes.

  “Does it matter?” I queried with a serious tone.

  “I say that it does, Sawyer. You continue to blame yourself for these deaths. Before you interrupt… ” She held her hand up to silence me. “Think about it. Did you set up the mission? Did you set up the explosives on your own? Were you the wife of a terrorist? Were you a mother who brought her child into a war zone?”

  I sat up abruptly and slammed my clenched fist on her desk. Teri jumped. “What the hell does that have to do with anything? I’m the Grim Reaper, I’m the one who set off the fucking explosion. I’m the one who played God, judge, and executioner.” My body quaked with intensity. Man, I was losing it. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. I could feel my guilt spilling from my closed lids and I couldn’t hold back. I slumped back into the chair and scrubbed at my face.

  “Sawyer?” she whispered my name, so I would look up. “You are none of those things. You had an objective, you did what was ordered. You did what any other SEAL would’ve done and you know it. You harbor this guilt to punish yourself, for what I don’t know? But we need to figure it out before it destroys you. We have lost too many men to this culpability. Are you ready to break down the wall?”

  I was exhausted. I was relieved. I was ready. “I think it has to do with my parents.”

  “Explain?” Teri visibly relaxed and sat back into her office chair.

  I drew courage from the depth of my soul. I silently thanked my creator for sending me Liz, sending me someone to be worthy for.

  “They moved here a while ago, I think during one of my deployments. When I came here, I knew they were here. Some crazy part of me needed to, no wanted to… confront them. So I moved to Ogden, started school, the team. It was all a front. I… I wasn’t… I’m not ready.”

  “You want to confront your father about the abuse?” Teri looked up from her pad when I didn’t immediately answer. I wanted to throw something. I hoped my previous life was hidden, but I knew better. The military knows everything. I figured when I joined up the information I gave Greg, my mentor, would’ve been classified. I guess I was wrong. I was taken aback at how casually she spoke of my ‘abuse.’

  “Are you angry with me?” Teri looked genuinely concerned.

  “No, I just didn’t expect… It doesn’t matter. Yes, to answer your question. My abuse was… extensive. I wanted to talk with my mother mostly, about my childhood. I feel like I abandoned her when I left. Part of me hates myself, but the other part couldn’t give a fuck what her life was like when I left. She never helped me.” I felt the buried hurt start to surface. I was a ticking time bomb and Teri had no clue what my internal timer looked like.

  “Sawyer, this is good. It’s good that you are opening up. You can’t keep all of this inside. It’s natural to be angry with her and to blame yourself. I guess my next question is, why now? You moved here, yes, with the motive to make things better. You didn’t though, did you? You’ve been here for three months. You quit the team, you just dropped out of school, and you seem to be on a path of isolation. You keep everything so controlled. What’s changed in the past month?” Teri looked at me earnestly. She started to swirl her pencil in the way she always does when she’s nervous that I won’t give her the truth. People are so easy to read sometimes.

  “I met someone.” That’s all I wanted to say about it.

  “Really?” Teri looked up through dark lashes. “You think you are ready for a relationship?”

  A puff of aggravated air escaped my lips. “I realize I have lots to work through Teri, I’m not an idiot. I didn’t quit school to be isolated. I told you, I really want to start my own wood and welding business. I’m ready to take on this project with Greg. He’ll be here in a few days. I’ve found a house a week ago that I bid on. It’s amazing. I think I can really do something with this.”

  “You’re avoiding my real question, quite skillfully I might add,” she smirked ruefully.

  “Her name is Elizabeth. She’s pretty incredible.” I smiled broadly and Teri startled.

  “That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you really smile.”

  “Like I said, she’s incredible. I told her a bit about my parents. She’s had some shit to deal with herself and she did it… rose above it. I want that. I see strength in her and it reminds me of what I want to become.” The timer on her desk went off. Teri just looked at me with the dumbest damn grin on her face.

  “Well, times up. I’m glad we’re starting to be real with each other. I want to start seeing you twice a week. Don’t even argue, it’s done. If you want to be the man I know you already are, then you will be here every Monday and Wednesday unless I say otherwise. Got it? Oh, before I forget, I’ve been wanting to broach the subject of control and how it’s a thing for you. I know you need to sense that you have that governor on your life that no one will take that from you again, but tread careful in this new relationship. Remember you can only control yourself. We’ll talk more about that on Wednesday, okay?” She pushed back from her desk to stand.

  “Ma’am.” I stood and saluted to her rank brusquely. Teri had gotten under my skin. I did have major control issues, the need to feel completely in charge of all situations. I couldn’t lose myself to the fear again. I knew it was just a feeling, I’m not really wholly responsible for everything in my life. The blame I carry is definitely directing some aspects of my life. I shoved the door open in front of the VA with a heated burst. My father stripped me bare and I’d built up so many walls so I couldn’t be hurt again. So that no one could take control of me… ever again. “No one will,” I whispered furiously to myself.

  The temperature outside was wasteland frigid. It had snowed slightly this morning. The small white dust of snow was iced to my windshield as I tried to scrape it off. I decided to let my car warm up a bit before taking the drive.

  The apartment was quiet as I entered. Todd hadn’t been there since Saturday, the day he hit Elizabeth, which was probably a safe bet for him. I started to get angry all over again when the door suddenly swung open. I jumped up and started to pull my gun from its holster. I stopped when I realized it was just Todd.

  Todd.

  “Hey man, you going somewhere?” Todd smiled nervously at me.

  “Yeah, I put a bid on that house you told me about a while ago, near your parents’ place. I’m meeting up with the seller today.”

  “Oh, I didn’t think you would move so quickly.”

  “Sorry man, I need to start working on getting this business in order. My money from active duty that I saved will run out eventually.”

  “Look… I… I wanted to say sorry again. I was so drunk. I messed up pretty bad. I’ve never hit a girl… ever. You have to know I was out of my mind.” He stood there dazed and I noticed tears were in his eyes. I had an overwhelming urge to punch him so bad.

  “Nothing you can say to me Todd will take back what happened. I know you didn’t mean it. I know. But that’s how it starts brother, it only takes one time. You need to lay off the sauce.” I took a deep breath when Todd sat next to me on the couch.

  “I will, I will. I haven’t heard from Lizzie, she needs space. I hope to see her tonight. Are you guys going to the Halloween party Barry is throwing, down in Salt Lake?

  “Yeah, Elizabeth invited me. You?”

  “I’m going with Emma.”

  We sat there for what felt like ten minutes in complete silence. My temper cooled as I realized Todd really didn’t mean to hurt her, and I don’t really think he’d do it again.

  “Todd, you hurt my girl and that’s just not okay. I may need some time… to… Look man, don’t worry about me. I know it must’ve been hard to see her with me. I factored that in with how messed up you were. Doesn’t make it all right, but I get it. Just really stop partying so hard, don’t throw your life away. I’m not sorry for being with Elizabeth. I’m really into her. I ab
solutely want me and her to work. If you treat Liz with respect from here on out… well, you and me… we’ll be square.”

  “Thanks man, for not holding grudges. You one hundred percent deserve Lizzie. She will make you the happiest man who ever fucking lived. Remember that.”

  “I will. I better head out, my Jeep has probably thawed itself by now. See you tonight.”

  “See you bro.”

  I walked out to my Jeep feeling lighter. I was right, it had idled so long the ice was gone. I climbed in and turned up the radio. The Civil Wars played smoothly as I drove out of town. Todd really was a good man, just made a huge mistake. I hoped Elizabeth could forgive him. Not for his sake, but for hers. Anger fills your heart so fast and makes a home there if you’re not careful. I should know because my heart was black with it.

  The house was a pale blue with white trimmings. The powdered snow clung to the roof giving the house a cottage like feel. It sat far back from the road. The driveway was lined with giant blue spruces. The house was situated on two acres. The large workshop in the back of the property is what I wanted more than anything. This was my beginning. I sat in the Jeep looking at what could possibly be my future and I smiled. I fucking smiled, and it felt great.

  The house was smallish, but I didn’t care. I was told it had two bedrooms upstairs and the basement wasn’t finished. It was built in the sixties and you could tell. I knew this was going to be a lot of work and I couldn’t wait. A white van pulled up behind me. I figured this was probably the seller of the house. I hopped out of the Jeep and waited. An older gentleman got out of the van and walked toward me, his boots crunched loudly on the gravel drive.

  “Hello there, son.” He squinted up at me. “You Sawyer?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  He held out his hand in greeting. I inwardly laughed as he tried with all his might to give me a proper handshake. It was… endearing.

  “So you want this dump, eh?” He laughed at his own joke. I nodded. “Well, let’s get to it then.”

  The house smelled liked old bacon grease. It felt damp with vacancy. The front room was tiny with brown carpet. I immediately thought, this carpet’s got to go.

  “Here’s the kitchen, not much, but if you’re the carpenter you say you are, shouldn’t be a problem.” The cabinets were horrible. Plywood painted yellow – it was a nightmare.

  “Mr. Anderson, is there wood under these carpets?” The kitchen had old, but beautiful, wooden floors. I was curious if the whole place had them.

  “Oh yes, yes. My wife, well she didn’t like the feel, so we covered them.” Mr. Anderson looked down the hall with a sad expression. “Well, let’s keep going, I haven’t got all day, they do bingo now Tuesday nights at the center.” He laughed to himself.

  The upstairs bedrooms were small, but I didn’t really need much. The master bedroom had its own bathroom. There was a small guest bathroom that sat between the master and the guest room. The basement was basically framed with concrete floors. I could do whatever I wanted down here. We continued the tour outside. He showed me the work space. It was heated and well taken care of. He’d been a welder, so it was set up for that. I was glad I’d dabbled in welding. It was the only creative thing I’d ever done. Welding and woodwork, could you call that creative? The workshop was huge and had a nice big loft for storage and an office. The property was perfect. I just hoped he accepted my bid.

  “Well, whatcha think?”

  “I think it’s great. How do you feel about my offer?” I looked at the old man seriously now.

  “I think it’s great,” he said with a grin. I couldn’t stop my smirk from spreading clear across my face.

  “Really?”

  “Really son, I couldn’t expect more. I just hope you take care of the old girl, she’s done right by me. “

  On the way back to town, I couldn’t suppress the joy emanating from my body. I had done it, no I was doing it. My life was starting and I couldn’t wait to embrace it. The closing on the house was in one week. Greg would be here Friday and he could help me get everything figured out. The pieces were really starting to fall in place. Just as that thought crossed my mind, my phone alerted me to a text. I pulled into my apartment complex and saw the text was from Elizabeth. I opened the phone and my stomach flipped.

  Elizabeth: How did it go today?

  Me: Great! I’m the proud owner of a crappy house, older than both of us put together. I know, don’t swoon just yet.

  Elizabeth: Proud and swooning as we speak!

  The word proud reverberated in my heart. No one had ever been proud of me.

  Me: Speaking of swooning, when is the big reveal?

  Elizabeth: I’ll be at the party at 9pm sharp, be there or be square buddy. Be prepared, I’m going to look smoking hot!

  Me: Isn’t that what Halloween is for, slutting it up one night a year!

  Elizabeth: I’m offended!

  Me: Seriously?

  Elizabeth: Absolutely, I may punish you…

  Me: Sounds good =)

  My heart was pounding, she isn’t normally so flirty. A couple minutes passed and I assumed she wasn’t going to text back. I walked into the apartment and threw my keys into the bowl full of condoms, candies and other junk by the door. Todd and his ‘junk bowl.’ I needed to eat, nap and then shower. This party was starting to give me anxiety. I hated large groups of people. My phone beeped again.

  Elizabeth: For your rude comment earlier, sit on this till I see you.

  Underneath the typed words was a picture of her bare thigh. Her pale, perfect skin on display, but with a gun and holster attached to it. My throat dried and my muscles tightened. Sexiest thing I’d ever seen. I had no idea what her costume was, but now I couldn’t wait for the party. This is why I loved Halloween.

  I normally hated these things. I wasn’t one for large gatherings. The room was filled with sweaty bodies packed liked sardines. The music blared loud and I couldn’t hear myself think. I pushed through the crowd trying to find Elizabeth or Todd for that matter. This house, Barry’s house, was too damn small. The lighting was dim and it smelled like body odor, cologne, and beer. The scent was so thick my stomach churned. Girls smiled and pawed me as I passed. I smiled to be polite, but never gave them eye contact. I finally broke through the crowded living room and headed out through the kitchen to the backyard. I gulped in a large breath of cool October air. My heart was already slowing its pace. I can’t handle not being in control, not having complete awareness of my surroundings, it gave me unease. The backyard was large and was littered with people and then I spotted her.

  She was wearing a long sleeved wetsuit top. It clung tightly to her curves and zipped up the middle. She had short camo print shorts on that made her short legs look a mile long. I was almost completely done in by the sight of her. Elizabeth’s hair was pulled back into a long French braid. She looked out of this damn world. I laughed aloud when I noticed the gun and knife strapped to either thigh. They looked real, but they couldn’t be, could they? I didn’t move as I watched her laugh with Cam. Her lips curved up into a friendly smile, I really loved those lips. I stepped off the stairs and headed to where she was, when some douche bag from the swim team came up from behind her and put his hands on her hips. He began to whisper in her ear and I fumed as Liz’s smile faltered. I picked up the pace and observed as Cam broke into a smile at my sudden appearance.

  “Awe, come on Lizzie, you look so hot in that get up, just one dance, I’ll make it worth your while.” The ass hat tried to turn her around, but he didn’t get the chance.

  “Hey, dude, she’s with me. So how about getting your hands off my girl?” my voice was controlled and cold. The dick’s eyes popped open and he pushed immediately away from Liz.

  “No worries, I didn’t know.”

  “Hey Taylor, let’s go inside, I think Todd’s getting me a drink,” Cam said while pulling the idiot from my death glare. I sighed and took Elizabeth’s appearance in again.

  “I
think you’re trying to kill me in this outfit.”

  Elizabeth’s smile was glowing. “So, I’m your girl now, huh?”

  “Um… yeah… I thought so.” My grin was ridiculously wide.

  “I’m not trying to kill you with this outfit, by the way. I’m just into video games.” She laughed and it made my whole body warm. “You look nice, even though you’re a totally lame old man for not dressing up.” She scowled at me and my offensive outfit. I was wearing worn jeans and a green fitted Henley. My norm.

  “You’re right about one thing, I am too old for this shit.” I shot her my best smile.

  “Well, then maybe I should ply you with alcohol. Will that take the stick out of your—”

  I didn’t let her finish. I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder and started walking to the back gate. She squealed and punched my back.

  “What are you doing? Where are you going?” she screamed and laughed all at once. I couldn’t suppress my laughter.

  “To show you I don’t have a stick up my ass.”

  “Sawyer, put me down or I’ll shoot you with my gun.” She was full-on giggling.

  “What? These fake... ” I stopped dead in my tracks. She had real weapons. A real 9 mm, Beretta I think, and a huge hunting knife. I slowly brought her to the ground. The entire length of her body grazed mine. I wet my lips and looked down into the bright blue pools of her eyes. She was perfect. Crazy to have a gun at a party, but perfect nevertheless. “What are you doing with real weapons, Elizabeth?”

  She didn’t break eye contact. “The knife was my father’s. I got the gun when I turned twenty-one. You can never be too safe. You know, conceal carry… I always thought mace was a little too tame.”

  I bent down and placed my lips on hers. The kiss was sweet, her lips warmed mine. I smiled against her mouth. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of how she tasted.