“Hmmm.”
I chuckled. She was so caught up in the moment.
“What’s so funny?” she asked with slight irritation.
“Nothing.” I crashed my lips to hers. I would show her. I could show her the universe. She was everything and I wanted to never stop tasting her, laughing with her. I could just stay here like this, forever. My hands clasped firmly around her waist, her skin like silk. I pulled her against me no longer wanting any space between us. The heat of our bodies together was the only sensation I craved now.
“Uh, guys… ” Todd cleared his throat. I looked up in just enough time to watch his face move from jealous, to hurt, to a fake mask of indifference.
“Todd,” Elizabeth yelped and quickly extricated herself from my lap.
I felt instantly cold. I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head roughly.
“Can we talk?” Todd looked down at his feet.
“Sure,” she said immediately, then looked at me with pleading eyes.
“Is that what you want, Elizabeth?” I asked, my tone emotionless.
“Yes,” she murmured.
I walked into the kitchen to grab a beer. I knew this could take a bit. I felt like a tourist in my own damn apartment. I know I shouldn’t feel jealous, but I did. He had her history. He knew her then. He had seventeen Christmases, Thanksgivings, birthdays… hell, he had seventeen years and I had barely a month. Dejected, I gulped down my beer. I blew out a harsh breath and cursed. I grabbed another beer and starting pacing the kitchen. I had to slow down and think. I was riling myself up. I walked down the hall and quietly listened… okay, eavesdropped. I could hear Elizabeth sobbing and I almost came out of my skin. She had the saddest cry I’d ever heard.
“I know baby girl, I know,” Todd’s voice sounded pleading. “Never again, I swear Lizzie. I was out of my mind with jealousy and upset. It’s not an excuse, but you have to believe me. I wouldn’t, won’t ever do that again. I stopped drinking so much and I’ve set limits now. Look at me baby, please.”
It was quiet. I hated hearing him call her baby. My stomach twisted that he ever got to touch her skin, kiss her lips, and breathe her in. Finding out tonight that he had shared such an intimate milestone with Elizabeth had me in knots. All my self-doubt was boiling and bubbling to the surface. She could leave me for him, take him back. I watched my mom for years take him back. We’d just started, they had practically forever.
I risked moving down the hall so I could see her and I regretted it instantly. Todd was resting his forehead against hers. Tears were running down both their cheeks. Todd’s hands moved to her face. She tilted her head back and looked right into his eyes. He wiped the tears from her cheeks. I cursed under my breath. I wanted to wipe her tears. Kiss them away with my lips, taste her emotion on my tongue.
“I missed you,” she whispered. My heart broke just a fraction, Elizabeth’s small smile lit up her face.
“God, I’ve missed you.” He bent down and kissed her, his lips coaxing hers to let him in. I about lost my fucking mind. My teeth grit together while the muscles in my back and arms flexed, needing release. I was just about to intercede when Elizabeth started to cry. The sound immediately brought me back to reality.
“Todd, you can’t… I mean… we—”
“I know. I just needed a goodbye. I don’t deserve it.” That’s right you don’t! “But I figured closure, right?” He had a shit-eating grin on his face. I was going to pummel him. Liz slapped him on his arm.
“You never change.” She laughed and stepped away from him. “Really though Todd, no more kisses, lingering hugs, save it for Emma, okay? I’m… in… in love with Sawyer. You had my past, he gets my future.”
I shook my head trying to calm my idiot testosterone filled brain. Those eight words changed everything. All my stupid insecurity fizzled out. I had her future. Hell yeah, I did.
“You guys kiss and make-up?” I grinned as I came around the corner, watching Todd squirm a bit.
“Yeah, we’re all good.” Todd stood a bit taller when I wrapped my arms around Elizabeth, claiming her like the caveman I was.
“You ready for bed?” I kissed the top of her head. Todd’s stature fell ever so slightly. He was just going to have to get used to me and her together. I smiled involuntarily. She leaned into me turning so she could look up at me.
“Yes.” She beamed so brightly I couldn’t help myself. I had to kiss her and I did. I kissed her until a small sound of need escaped her lips. I broke from her sinful lips and smirked at her.
“Night, Todd.” Elizabeth grabbed my hand and walked me into my bedroom. I tried to feel bad about Todd, and the look of horror that crossed his face just as my door shut. But I didn’t.
Time. It’s a funny thing. Before I knew it the cold, dreary wind of February pulled my hair into tangled tendrils as my boots crunched on the snow-covered gravel drive up to Sawyer’s workshop. I watched him work most Saturdays. I loved bringing him dinner and watched while he created cabinets, furniture, beautifully welded sculptures, fences, arches, you name it, he made it. He’d quickly made quite the name for himself and his business. He was so talented. It also helped that we lived in a small town and word spread fast when something this good came around.
Most of November, he worked non-stop fixing up his house so it was liveable. My favorite part of the house was the atmosphere he had shaped from his bare, miraculous hands. I felt like I was in an Alaskan wood cabin. He’d finished the upstairs by Christmas and started taking private orders by January. Willow Wood Interiors was a full-fledged business and I couldn’t be more damn proud of my man.
The cold wind bit at my fingertips. My hands were still calloused from sanding the wood floors of Sawyer’s place. Greg had come and helped as often as he could, but it was mostly Cam, Todd, and I. I think the house, ‘project therapy’ I coined it, helped Todd and Sawyer become closer. For the first time in years, I felt like I had an actual family that only belonged to me. I was blissfully happy.
I watched Sawyer sand a slab of walnut through the narrow window. His coveralls covered in dust and dirt, he was just stunning. I opened the door sending cold snowy wind his way. He turned and a giant smile broke across his face creating that deep dimple in his cheek. I loved that dimple.
“Hey, babe.” I reached up on my tip toes to kiss him.
“Hey, cricket.” He took the bag that I had from my hands and hugged me close to him. “Your hands are freezing.” He wrapped his large hands around mine and lightly kissed the tattoo that I had gotten for Christmas. Two black bands now wrapped all the way around my wrist. I wanted something to represent my parents. Just above the bands, on the underside of my wrist was the Norse rune for healing. His warm lips caressed the inked skin. “I still can’t believe you did this. I love it though, God I love it.” His smile was melting the cold right off my skin.
“I love you.” I reached up and kissed his cheek. “You ready for dinner?”
“Yup.” He took my hand in his and we walked up to the back of the house. As soon as the warmth of his house encapsulated me, I felt home. I loved how it smelled like fresh cut wood, spices and something inherently Sawyer. He always smelled so masculine with that touch of chocolate that I just couldn’t get enough of. “Would you mind setting the table while I wash up?”
“Sure, just hurry, I don’t want it to get cold. It’s sacrilege to let Larry’s pastrami and cheese sandwiches get cold.” I gave him my most serious face. He just chuckled and headed for his room.
I grabbed the plates and made quick work of setting the table. I knew Sawyer wouldn’t be quick. He never was after working all day. His shower was heaven. He spent a long time remodeling the master bathroom. His shower had multiple heads and was a walk in wrap around. He actually lost some bedroom space with the modification, but he didn’t care. The man loved his showers. Probably a by-product of living in crap holes while serving overseas.
I figured I’d start without him. I grabbed two beers from
the fridge and sat down at the table. The first bite was always the best. The hot cheese and marinara burned my tongue. It was worth every bit of the pain. I groaned as I took the next bite. This sandwich was perfection!
“Wow, I’m jealous,” Sawyer’s deep voice sounded behind me.
“Why?” I turned toward him befuddled, my mouth still full of the delicious meal.
“Because, that sandwich just made you moan and that’s my job,” he smirked. He opened his beer, his forearms flexed as he pulled off the bottle cap and I watched in awe. He was wearing sweatpants and no shirt. My eyes devoured his tan, sculpted chest and broad, hard shoulders that were on display. The pants hung so low on his hips I could tell he hadn’t put on his standard boxer briefs. His tight stomach screamed washboard. I started to drool for other reasons besides food. I was snapped out of my blatant ogle by the wholehearted sound of his low laughter.
“What?” I shifted, uncomfortable with getting caught staring. I felt the blush of my cheeks.
“I love how you look at me. I think it’s sexy as hell. It makes me feel… powerful.”
It was my turn to laugh. “Powerful how?”
“I think you know.” His smirk was downright naughty.
My face flushed. “Sit down and eat, you ego-maniac.” That earned me one of his rare, full, dimpled smiles. Two in one day. I knew there was such a thing as good karma.
We ate in a comfortable silence for a bit. I observed him quietly. It’s true, he was so influential. He had the power to make all my dreams come true or ruin me completely. I noticed his ‘Forgive Me’ tattoo. He still hadn’t told me who was supposed to forgive him.
“Sawyer, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” He took a swig of his beer.
“Who do the hash marks stand for in your tattoo? Who do you think needs to forgive you?”
His body stiffened and he looked up toward the ceiling. It felt as if five whole minutes passed by before he took a breath. He exhaled and looked into my eyes.
“I don’t think you want to know.”
“You mean, you don’t want to tell me. Tell me. Trust me.” I placed my hand on his knee.
“Elizabeth,” he warned. I’d learned that when he was uncomfortable or in a bad dream it was risky to touch him. When he was uncomfortable, I risked having him get up and leave the situation that was pissing him off. If he was sleeping… well, I try not to think what could happen if my touch didn’t soothe after a bad dream. My touch had never bothered him after a dream. If anything, it helped him come out of it sooner. Mack had warned me though, he could get confused and possibly be asleep in a war memory and mix me up with the enemy he was fighting, but I hadn’t witnessed that. Thank God! I had no reason to physically fear Sawyer, I knew that in the depth of my heart. I was just afraid that one day I would just push him hard enough he’d run and not come back. I gathered my courage and pushed.
“Sawyer, please confide in me. I need it. Your trust, it’s important.”
He stared at the wall. His eyes seemed to cloud. “My mother. I left her. I feel… guilt for that. But you already knew that.”
“I did.” I nodded my head, encouraging him to continue.
“When I was in Afghanistan, I did some serious shit. But, I made a mistake and killed two… civilians. A mother and her little girl. She couldn’t have been more than five years old.” He bowed his head and cleared his throat. He kept his head down as he spoke, “We’d previously set up explosives. We had intelligence that some high-ranking terrorists were going to be there. We knew with how the place was set up we wouldn’t have the luxury of clean shots. So instead, we chose to light it up. We didn’t know that the woman and child would be there. She was the wife of the leader. She wasn’t supposed to be there.” He looked up and his eyes were rimmed with sorrow.
He continued, “I hit the first barrel of explosives and the place ignited. She ran from the furthest building. The chain reaction we created… she had no chance. The little girl clung to her while they ran. The third explosion ripped through them. I watched it all.” He broke down then. His breathing was ragged. He cursed and clenched his fist. His throat and jaw working hard to hold it all in, he exhaled out loud, so loud it startled me. “So yeah, like I said. I need to be forgiven for so many things, Liz. But those three women I have wronged, I’ll be judged accordingly, I’m sure.” He pushed from the table and stood sharply.
“Sawyer, what are you doing?” I stood in a panic.
“I need some space.” He walked into his bedroom and slammed the door.
“Shit.” I paced his living room not sure what to do. I didn’t have to wait long. Sawyer came out from his room wearing a grey hoodie with NAVY scrawled across the front and sneakers. He reached into the top cabinet in the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels. He grabbed his keys off the breakfast bar and started walking to the back door.
“Sawyer? Where are you going with that?” I pointed to the bottle of liquor. “Please baby, don’t… don’t… ”
“Don’t what?” he said with a severity I’d never heard from him before. He walked out the back door and shut it with such a force it knocked the picture of us I gave him for Christmas off the wall.
Why did I have to push him?
I looked out the window and was relieved when I saw him walk toward the shop and not his Jeep. He needed space. Space from me. My knees wavered and I sat down with my back against the door and cried for Sawyer.
How much could one man suffer?
The whiskey burned as it poured down my throat. The sweet liquor churned in my gut as I thought of Elizabeth’s face. She was terrified of me in that moment and I couldn’t blame her. I was a fucking monster. I put the bottle to my lips and pulled the poison down. The shop was warm and my body felt liquid. She wanted me to trust her. I wanted to, I really did. I do. The smell of sawdust permeated the air bringing me back to reality. What the hell am I doing out here? She wanted to know me, and I’d promised her everything, hadn’t I? I shouldn’t be surprised she wanted to know about my past life. Before her.
Guys like me don’t ever win.
“Sawyer?” her voice broke through my mental digression. Elizabeth knelt in front of me. I let her take the bottle from my hand. She placed it on the ground. “What the hell are you doing? You can’t do this with me. Don’t shut me out.” Her eyes speared me to the core.
“I don’t want to, I’m just terrified that one day—”
“One day, what? I’ll realize you’re just screwed up like me? Yeah, I know.” She smiled and I couldn’t help it, I laughed a crazy barking laugh. She squeezed her small frame between my legs. “Stop being a damn melodramatic girl and get your head out of your ass Mr. Bryant.” She hugged her body against mine and I finally let it all go. Tears poured from my eyes. Years and years of pent up loss, hate, anger, hurt – you name it, I had it. I cried harder than I’d ever cried in my life. I wasn’t sure if it was her or the liquor, probably both. I was done and I just wanted to be happy and that epiphany sent me over the edge of emotion. “You have to know it wasn’t all your fault. You can’t shoulder all that blame. It will kill you and you know it.” She kissed the salty liquid away from my cheeks with her lips.
I leaned back and looked into her eyes. “I’m kind of being a pussy right now, but I don’t give a shit. God, I love you so much. Thanks for not letting me fall.”
“I promised I’d always be there… I wasn’t lying. You have to know that I won’t run away when I unearth some secret about you. I’m an adult, I knew we both came with baggage. I know you have more going on up in that head of yours than I’ll ever realize. I don’t care what you’ve done. Don’t make me say it again. I’m yours.” She placed her tender lips to mine. She kept the kiss short and sweet. “Besides, I’m pretty sure it’s my turn for a meltdown, so you need to be prepared.” She pecked my cheek.
“Oh shit, we’re in trouble.” I laughed out loud.
“Check, check, check, one, two, three,” I
spoke into the microphone looking to Barry signaling him we were ready.
The slow, hard pace of the drum sent my heart fluttering. I was always so nervous for the first song. I was already in a crappy mood because this was the first show Sawyer had missed since we were together. He had a huge project for a well-off client in Salt Lake, which he was trying to finish before the end of the month. The crowd was rowdy and ready for the show to begin. I started singing the lyrics of our song.
Timeless meandering has brought me here,
Tasting slander slides bitterly,
Slippery concoctions of yesterday have seen my future,
Embarked,
On that limb,
Of restless fury,
Bring me fast, bring me beautiful, bring me life.
The throng yelled with recognition. Everyone sang along and I was boundless on that stage. I felt invincible. The smoke filtered through the lights creating swirling dust motes. The music filling the room. It was intoxicating.
Later, after everything was packed away, I waited by the bar having my post-show wine. Sawyer never showed. I knew he wasn’t coming, but I allowed myself to hope. Our four months together was our little eternity. I loved being with him. I tried to think about not being with him sometimes. I thought it would be healthy to not become too dependent on the feelings he evoked in me and I failed miserably at that mental exercise. I smiled to myself at the thought.
“Wow, even more beautiful up close.” A man I’d never seen before smiled and took a seat at the bar. I scooted my body just slightly away. I didn’t want to seem rude, but he was in my personal space.
I laughed a small fake laugh. “Thanks.” I took the last sip of my wine.
“Can I buy you another drink?” He signaled the bartender. “She’ll have another.”
“I shouldn’t.”
“I insist.” He grinned. His smile was warm and genuine. He was a medium build, light brown hair, artfully messy and dressed way too formal for The Lounge. His crisp white button down and tie stood out like a sore thumb. If I had to guess his age, I’d say early thirties. He was handsome in a clean-cut, corporate sort of way. I could tell he hit the gym, but nothing like Sawyer.
Still Life (Forever Still #1) Page 13