“Oh my goodness, Sawyer, dinner.” I jumped up and threw on my clothes. I ran to the kitchen. I’d left boiling water on the stove and the sauce I was simmering had burnt and stuck to the pan. “Holy crap, we could have started a fire.”
Sawyer’s arms snaked around my waist. He had on flannel pajama pants and no shirt. His warm chest felt heavenly.
“It’s fine, turn it off, we’ll order pizza.” He nibbled on my earlobe. Sawyer released me from his embrace so he could crack the window above the sink. I grabbed my phone and quickly ordered our meal.
“Ugh, it stinks in here,” I said with annoyance.
“Let’s go sit in the living room, I’ll start a fire and we can catch up while we wait for the pizza. The kitchen should air out quick enough,” he smiled.
We walked to the living room and I sank down into the sofa. I watched Sawyer build a fire in the wood burning fire place. The words he spoke earlier swirled in my head. He really loved me. I know now, that what we were building this whole time was now solid. I was so lucky. I knew we had a long road ahead. Our tragedies were different, but he had so much healing to do still. The stitches were out though and now we just had to watch the scar disappear. My scars were so faint, but his were still fresh. I stared at his Unbroken tattoo.
“Why’d you leave the SEALS?” I asked suddenly.
“I was done,” he answered simply.
“You were done?”
“I was done.” He put the last log in place.
“Why?” I wasn’t so easily put off. The wall was down, he was going to talk.
He sighed, resigned. His massive frame turned and he watched me for a moment before he spoke. It felt as if he was considering what he wanted to tell me.
“Remember, I told you how I was captured on that last deployment?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Well, after that, I was done. I thought I’d be in forever, you know, the whole serve until retirement. But that capture felt too close to home for me. It was like I’d left one hell hole for another, and I needed the control back. So I discharged. Honorable and all, but when I’m done, I’m done, there’s no going back. I miss my team a lot at times. I’ve been through so much… but that time in my life is over.” He rubbed the back of his neck. It was his tell, he was uneasy about what he was saying. This was him being completely honest.
“Do you really feel unbroken?” I wasn’t holding back this time.
“Yes… Well, sort of. Do you?” His eyes darkened, but not in anger. He seemed so vulnerable.
“I didn’t use to. I was very broken, but I pulled myself back together. I knew I had to do it on my own. I can be here for you while you pull the pieces together, but you’ll have to put them back on your own.” My lips pulled into a small cautious smile.
“I know.”
“And while we’re being honest, I think the only person you need to forgive, is yourself.”
“Dually noted.” He stood and walked over to where I was sitting. He caressed my cheek, drawing his thumb across my lips.
“How’d you get so smart?”
“Experience.”
He winced, as he bent down and kissed the top of my head. “You’re so tough. I’m so damn blessed to have you. I recognized when you walked into the back door of The Lounge that first night, my world, my life was over. You blew in all fiery and gorgeous. I prayed that you weren’t Todd’s friend. I couldn’t have you if you were. But, somehow God knew I needed you and he fixed us a path. A path to us, and I couldn’t be more grateful.”
“You saw me then?” I could barely speak, my voice was thick with sentiment.
“I did,” he laughed. “You threw that guitar case so hard. Maybe I loved you then.” His laugh was infectious.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I smacked his arm.
“There’s my little fighter.”
I swatted at his hands as he tried to tickle me. I squealed. The doorbell rang and I jumped up and headed into the kitchen while Sawyer paid the pizza guy. I put the ruined dinner in the sink to soak and grabbed two plates. Sawyer grabbed our favorite beer from the fridge and we sat down to eat. We were both ravenous. I downed three pieces before I’d spoken a word.
“This is so good.” My mouth was full of the cheesy goodness.
Sawyer’s chuckle filled the small space and I smiled.
“Sorry, it’s just so good. I shouldn’t talk with my mouth full of food.”
“I don’t care, it’s cute,” he said before taking a large pull of beer from the bottle.
I gave him a look that said, ‘I doubt it.’
“So what’s this idea you were going to tell me?”
Sawyer’s smile died. He stood and grabbed another beer from the refrigerator. He sat back down and took another big swig of beer before he spoke. I’d learned to wait him out.
“I want to confront my father.”
I swallowed hard. “You do? You don’t think it’s too soon?”
“No, I don’t. I want to talk to Teri first, see what she thinks, but I just want to be through with it all.”
“You’ll never be through with it, Sawyer.” I shook my head with worry.
“I know that, Liz. I just… I keep having this dream or maybe it’s a memory. I want to talk to Teri, see what she thinks, but I think the sooner I see my father the better. I don’t like that this Harper guy is sniffing around. I feel like something bad is going to happen. I can’t explain it.”
“What’s the dream you keep having?”
I was fifteen and I was sitting in my room, writing my paper. I was trying to stay focused, but I keep hearing the noises from my father’s room. My mother wasn’t home. I knew it was him. His Escalade was parked in the driveway. I was disgusted. I didn’t understand why my father brought women here. They were usually prostitutes. High priced girls from the look of them. He liked them young. They kept getting younger and it made me sick. Last week when that girl Sara brought over her portion of the group assignment, I was mortified. I knew she liked me. I could tell by how she looked at me. All she saw was my face, my body and my money. She saw date nights at the movies. She didn’t know I was damaged. She didn’t realize I could only give her darkness. My father answered the door and gave her his dirty, oily grin. I hated him. He ruined everything good, everything that was beautiful.
The moaning was never ending. I wished he would get it over with already. The girl started to scream now. This scream was different from the screams I normally heard when he was having sex with them. This scream raised the hair on the back of my neck. She shrieked again and it was cut off. I stood and went to my door. I couldn’t hear anything anymore. I waited. I waited for thirty minutes. I heard nothing. It must be safe.
Her eyes were cold and fixed. She looked just a few years older than me. She looked dead. I reached out to touch her, but then I heard him. I had to get out of there before he saw me before she woke and told him I was here. I headed for the door, but it was too late.
“What the fuck are you doing home?” Dad charged at me. I didn’t have a chance to explain that it was the start of Thanksgiving break. I didn’t get that moment to tell him I heard everything. I was in my room when the screaming stopped. I thought him and the whore had left. No, I didn’t get that chance because he knocked me so hard in the stomach I couldn’t breathe.
“Forget this! Forget everything you think you’ve seen. You hear me boy?” His face purple with rage. I looked around and that’s when I noticed the ropes on the floor next to the bed. I noticed the girl hadn’t woken and her eyes were still permanent and emotionless.
The memory flooded through my head as I told Elizabeth about the murder my father committed. Nausea engulfed me. I knew he did it. He tried to make me forget and I had for so long, but it was back in full force and haunted me every night.
“Do you think… do you think you’re remembering right?” Elizabeth looked at me like she wanted me to tell her it wasn’t true. I couldn’t.
“H
e was so twisted. He’d bring women home all the time. Sometimes my mother was home and just ignored it, Liz. She’d pretend he was meeting with work clients. It was crazy. The older I got, the younger the girls got. I never brought home friends, not that I had any. I never dated. I was terrified everyone would find out what my home life was really like.
“The years I was in junior high were so bad. He’d beat me every day. He tried to drown me once in the bathtub because I got brave. I threatened to tell my junior high swim coach about everything. He beat the shit out of me. That wasn’t enough so he pulled me down the hall by my shirt collar. I had rug burns on my elbows and knees. He shoved my head under water several times. He said he would end me if I ever told. I know now that he would have. He killed that girl, Liz, I’m sure of it,” as I spewed all the vitriol that was my life at Elizabeth, I hadn’t noticed she’d gone pale. Her eyes were overflowing with sorrow for me.
“It’s okay, baby.” I kneeled down in front of her. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. I can’t believe you lived through that. I’m scared, Sawyer. I don’t want you to see him.” Her posture was tense and her eyes pleaded with me.
“Don’t you see, I have to? I can’t let him get away with everything. If I do, he wins and I’ll always be afraid, always damaged. That girl, if he killed her, needs justice.” I wiped the tears from her cheeks.
“Just call the police, let them deal with it.”
“I might. I just have to see him one last time first. Make sure he knows he can’t threaten you or me. Harper is a threat, don’t ever underestimate my father. He sent him to watch us, to see what his next move will be. I can’t have him use you against me. If he ever… if he ever hurt you, I’d die or go to jail. Do understand that?” Everything about me, about who I’d become in the Navy, screamed for justice. For me, for my mother, for the dead girl. I couldn’t back down, I wouldn’t back down.
“I do,” Elizabeth’s voice shook.
“Then you know I have to do this. But I promise I’ll talk to Teri first.”
“Okay.”
I kissed her mouth and her body relaxed infinitesimally. “I got you. I always got you.”
“So this dream, it was very real for you?” Teri pulled herself up straight. Her hand was barely quivering. I could tell my confession shook her.
“I think it was a memory, not a dream.”
Teri’s eyes met with mine and she cleared her throat. “Elizabeth handled everything really well. I know you have woken up to violent outbursts in the past. But they were limited, right? This new dream with your father, it was a trigger.” She seemed to ignore the fact that I knew it wasn’t a dream.
“Yes, it was the trigger,” my voice was severe and my jaw ticked with tension. “Teri, these past months with you have helped. I was doing better. But the closer I get to the truth of my life, the farther I get from recovering. Do you understand? I need to confront this. Get it done.” My hand gripped the arm rest and turned my knuckles white.
She exhaled a long breath and was silent. She looked at me for a moment, her eyes soaking in my anger, my fear. I felt like a caged animal. I had to confront my father.
“I know you do.” She grabbed her pen and started scribbling on a small square pad. “This is a prescription for a medication that will help with the nightmares. Take it regularly, Sawyer. I think the memories of your father are triggers for you, but this medication should help. No more waking up to scary scenes, yeah?”
“Yeah, I don’t know if I could survive if I ever really hurt Elizabeth again.” I couldn’t make eye contact with Teri.
“Hey, she forgave you, now forgive yourself and move on. That’s what you need to work on the most. You have to forgive, get rid of that guilt. Besides, if she truly loves you, she will help you through it, not hate you for it.” She smiled softly at me showing me her dimples. “I understand that you want to see your father, but I don’t think it’s wise yet. I mean if this memory is real, it could be dangerous.” I scowled at her declaration. “Listen to me Sawyer, you’re finally healing. Let the police deal with it. You can confront him in prison.”
It didn’t matter what she said, I had to do this. I had to see him again. It was the only way I could stitch up these wounds for good. The infection of my father ran deep. I had to heal, I had to be finished once and for all with his sickness.
“Teri, I appreciate your opinion, but I think I’m going to meet with him.”
“I know.” Her lips turned up into a sad smile.
“I don’t listen for shit, do I?”
“No, you don’t,” she laughed.
“I’ll give it a little time and talk it over more with Elizabeth. We’re doing couples counseling now. We had our first session this week. I really want everything to work out. Don’t you see, this is the only way? I’m putting all my ducks in a row. I can’t have the threat of my father looming. Who knows, maybe my head’s all messed the fuck up and I’m seeing something that didn’t happen.”
“That is always a possibility.”
“See, it’ll be fine.”
“Don’t oversimplify. Sawyer, your father has done some horrific things to you. Maybe you should meet him here on neutral ground?”
“Maybe.” I couldn’t imagine my father sitting here next to me, spewing his innermost thoughts. The image, to be honest, made me sick.
“Time’s up.” The clock on her desk alarmed, ending our session. “Continue to do couples counseling, I think that’s an amazing start. Take the medication every night before bed and try to wait out your father. There is no rush. The process of healing is slow. Take care and remember that, okay? I think we only need to meet every other week now. You’re on a good path, Sawyer. Stay the course.”
“I will. See you soon.” I shook Teri’s hand and headed out.
The arctic air hit my face as I walked to my Jeep. I understood Elizabeth’s and Teri’s hesitation. Maybe they were right, maybe I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to move backward. I wanted my future with Liz and I wanted it now, but I wasn’t so closed minded that I couldn’t see how this could all blow up in my face. Maybe I was wrong and seeing my father now could ruin everything. I inhaled a huge ice-filled breath.
I was so confused. I wanted to be rid of Gavin Bryant for good, but at what cost? I started the Jeep and stared out the cold, crystalized windshield. My chest felt heavy as I made the decision to wait. As much as it made my stomach churn, I had to do this right. I couldn’t lose Liz. Every fiber of my body rebelled at this new choice. I just hoped it was my nerves. I hoped I wasn’t making the wrong choice.
The room smelled delicious. The scent of cinnamon and sugar coated the air. Mrs. Dixon made homemade funnel cakes as part of Elizabeth’s birthday dinner. Todd’s home life was like a Rockwell painting. His mother was the epitome of the perfect housewife and his dad reminded me of ‘Ward Cleaver.’ Despite the circumstances, The Dixon’s raised Elizabeth well. I observed as everyone laughed at inside jokes. I felt somewhat of an outsider, but Mrs. Dixon, Karen she told me to call her, always pulled me into the conversation.
I took a drink of my beer and smirked as Liz and Cam fought with Colby about cheating. We were playing some crazy card game they had made up as children. I was lost, so I just decided to watch. I laughed aloud as Cam pulled Colby almost out of his chair trying to steal back her card from his clutches. I noticed then that Todd sat quietly at the end of the table. As a matter of fact, Todd had been pretty scarce except for band practice this past week. He looked downright tired. His eyes were circled in dark grey and he appeared to be angry actually.
“What’s up brother?” I asked quietly. The others so caught up in their own shenanigans they couldn’t hear.
“Not much.” He didn’t meet my eyes.
“I highly doubt that? What’s got your panties in a bunch?”
Todd’s jaw clenched and he deliberately turned his head to look at me. When he met my concerned eyes, his expression softened.
&nbs
p; “I’m just dealing with some drama. Emma, that chick I’ve been seeing, let’s just say we don’t mesh.”
“Don’t mesh how?”
“Well, she’s pretty active in her church. They have some really strict rules ‘bout what you can do in life. Not my bag. I’m moving on.” He gave me a tight smile before he gulped down the rest of his beer.
“Sorry man.” I reached out and patted his back with a hard thump.
“No worries, you need another beer?” Todd stood and headed for the fridge.
“Nope, I’m good. We’ve got to leave soon.”
“That’s right, you guys live together officially now.” Todd sat back down and slammed down half of his new beer.
“Whoa, slow down there brother.”
“It’s fine, I’m staying here tonight,” Todd’s words slurred. I was worried about this damn kid.
“Seriously, what’s going—?” Before I could finish, Colby yelped and cursed. Karen clicked her tongue at his language.
“You guys are so dumb.” Cam sighed and slumped into her chair. “Lizzie you were supposed to have my back.”
“I did. Not my fault he figured you cheated.” Elizabeth’s giggle made me smile. I looked at Todd to continue our discussion and noticed he was staring at Lizzie with a sad smile. I forgot sometimes that he thought he’d lost her to me. He must still be carrying a torch. I figured I’d end his misery.
“Baby, we need to head, I have to finish up that order for tomorrow. The interior designer will be at the shop by ten.” Elizabeth pouted and stood up from the table to grab her coat. “I’m sorry sweetheart.”
She gave me a wicked grin. “You’re such an old man.”
“Hey now, I’m only four years older than you. You just turned twenty-three remember.” I smacked her on her ass which earned me a giggle. Saying my goodbyes to everyone, I noticed Todd hung back at the table.
“Thanks again Mrs. Dixon, Mr. Dixon, it was great to meet you guys.”
“Oh, call me Karen.” She blushed.
Still Life (Forever Still #1) Page 18