by Cate Nolan
“Willa?”
She had to turn around. She had to actually look at him, eye-to-eye, for the first time in ten years. And she was scared to death.
Slowly she turned, eyes downcast, praying for courage. Lord, help me. Was it You who brought them to me? You who ask me to help this child? Not just David's child and Susan's child, but your child first?
Slowly, she raised her eyes. “Hello, David.”
The strain in his expression was the first thing she noticed. This was obviously no easier on him than it was on her. That settled her somehow, knowing they were on equally anxious footing. She summoned a reassuring smile. “It's been awhile.”
Her hands stayed hooked in the back pockets of her jeans. Better that way. Actually touching him was more than she could handle right now. “How have you been?”
And she could have kicked herself then. How did she think he'd been? He'd lost his wife and was raising a difficult child on his own.
He smiled back, a sad smile of understanding. “I've been better, but we're managing. Thanks for taking Hailey on.”
Willa nodded. “It's strange, you've got to admit. Why me? Why now?” Those questions had been nagging at her ever since she got his first phone call.
David looked around. “Before I answer, where is she? You haven't kicked her out already have you?” His expression warned he was only half joking.
“No, she's off with Billy, my stable boy. He's showing her how he cares for the horses.” Willa hesitated before saying what was on her mind. She really wasn't sure yet she could commit to this. “I may regret saying it, but she's a natural with the horses. She has her mother's brash confidence, but there seems to be a gentleness underneath that Susan never had.”
She winced, realizing she was speaking poorly of the dead, but David covered. “I understand. Susan loved riding, but she didn't really understand horses. Not like you do. It's okay. It's just the truth.”
Willa nodded agreement as David continued. “Thank you for being able to see past the angry child, for seeing what's good in her. I've done a lot of things wrong since Susan died. But I'm trying.”
He shrugged and all his confusion and pain was visible to Willa in that gesture. She didn't want to feel the compassion he was generating. She didn't want to feel anything for David.
“So satisfy my curiosity. Why did you bring her here - to me?”
David leaned back against a bale of hay, took a deep breath, and slowly let it out. “After the funeral was over, Susan's mother was taking care of Hailey. One day they were sitting in Susan's old room - the trophy room - and Hailey started asking questions about her mother as a child. Mrs. Lynch was telling her about the two of you being such good friends, and she showed her some pictures of you riding together.”
Willa closed her eyes against the memory. She knew that trophy room all too well. And she wasn't really surprised that Mrs. Lynch had kept it all these years. She and Susan had always been about the glory, the prizes. The bigger the trophy, the better.
“Apparently she started asking more questions than Mrs. Lynch wanted to answer. She realized she'd opened a can of worms and changed the subject. But Hailey wasn't to be deterred. Later than night, I found her searching you out on the internet. She found the listing for your stable and decided she was going to take lessons.”
“The power of the trophies,” Willa muttered.
David started to laugh, but choked it off. “It's not really funny, is it? Susan caused a lot of pain in her quest for trophies.” He kicked at the sawdust on the floor. “I gave in to Hailey's badgering mainly because I hoped you'd have a better influence on her, get her to see the joy in riding, in working with the horses, not just have it be all about winning competitions.”
Willa was reluctantly impressed with David's perceptiveness. She had to give him credit for trying with his daughter. She wanted to help, but seeing him like this just brought back such pain. This was why she'd initially said no to his request. Eventually, she'd been worn down by his repeated pleadings and finally by a note from Hailey herself. She'd agreed to meet, but reserved final decision. She still wasn't sure what that should be.
“Willa, Billy would not let me... Oh, hi Daddy.”
Saved by a pint-sized tempest. Willa looked up at Billy who came striding in behind Hailey, a look of utter exasperation on his face. It was a good reminder that however much she might idealize David's intentions, Hailey was not going to be an easy child to work with.
Half an hour and a few tantrums later, Willa stood and watched them drive down the long tree-lined drive. In spring, summer, and autumn, foliage from the trees would have quickly concealed them, but in November the trees were mostly bare of leaves, looking as exposed as she felt after this session with David and Hailey.
What had she been thinking to even consider this? It was as if she'd said to herself, Willa, dear, you haven't had enough pain in your life lately. You don't want to forget how ugly life can be. Why don't you offer yourself up for a really spectacular reintroduction to your deepest sorrow? Why don't you summon up the only man you ever loved and invite him into your life so he can shred your heart again?
“Oh, Colonel.” She rubbed her head against the dear old horse. “You tell me. What shall I do?”
He snorted and tossed his head in the direction of the retreating car.
“She made a conquest of you, did she?” Willa laughed as she led him back into the stall.
Willa was in her barn office working, and still debating her decision, when her mother appeared in the doorway.
“I figured I'd find you here. Are they gone?”
Willa nodded. “You just missed them.”
“Probably better that way. I still want to skin that young man alive.”
Willa chuckled. “Mother's prerogative. You probably could hold a better grudge against him that I can.”
“I know I'm supposed to forgive, but, well, a mother's love and all that. Never mind though, what did you decide? Are you going to take her on?”
“I don't know. I'm confused.”
“By David?”
“No, by Hailey herself. Read this, will you. It's the letter Hailey wrote to convince me to train her.” Willa picked up a paper from her desk and handed her mother the note she'd been studying before she'd been called away earlier.
“Read that and tell me your reaction, please.”
She waited impatiently while her mother skimmed and then slowly reread. When Mrs. James raised her head, her eyes were shiny and her voice went soft with emotion. “She reminds me of you at her age. All horse crazy.”
Willa nodded. “Yes, that's what struck me too. I got totally nostalgic. That's why I agreed, you know. She reminded me of my younger self.” Or maybe of Susan's younger self. When they'd still been friends. Before rivalry and boyfriends got in the way.
Memories of Susan practically living in the stables assaulted her. They'd been inseparable. Best of friends and vowing to be there for each other always.
Willa caught herself on a sigh. Young girls were so idealistic. Then they got older and reality and competition hit. But for a time, she and Susan had been perfect friends.
“This is a problem because?”
Mrs. James was holding out the letter. Her question snapped Willa out of her reverie.
“It's a problem because that's not who she is at all. Hailey is a tiny terror. A pint-sized version of Napoleon crossed with —
Willa stopped herself. This was a child she was talking about after all. “She puzzles me. She appears spoiled and totally self-centered. Not at all like this letter.” Although there had been a few moments. “She reminds me of —
Willa choked so her mother finished for her.
“Of Susan?”
Willa nodded. “Yes. She makes me remember Susan when we were children. Before all the trouble. Before David.” A single tear rolled down her cheek. “But she's not like her. I can’t exactly put my finger on it.”
“She's had a
hard life. Being Susan's daughter could not have been easy, but losing her mother had to be devastating. Maybe even more so than usual.”
Willa sighed. “That's what my better self says. That maybe I can help her, be a source of comfort in her life.”
“And your other self?”
Willa hung her head. “That side doesn't want bad memories invading my haven.”
“Awww, baby.” Willa's mother opened her arms and wrapped her daughter in a hug. “Pray on it. Ask God what His plan is.”
Willa sighed. “You're right. I know it. God must have had a reason for sending her into my life. I think I'll go for a ride, think it through.”
“Don't go too far. It's getting dark early these days.”
“I'll be back to help you with dinner.”
Willa saddled up a spirited roan that needed some exercise. “Come on, Beauty. Let's get some air.”
She rode off across the field and headed for the trail down to the beach. She needed to lose herself in the peace of nature, to go where she felt closest to God.
She gave Beauty her head and let the horse gallop through the surf. The crash of sea spray, the rolling thunder of the waves, little by little they soothed her spirit. Eventually she slowed the horse to a walk and allowed her thoughts to center in prayer. “I feel sorry for her, Lord. Only nine and already she's lost her mother. Is this what you want for me? Is this part of that deeper purpose I've been seeking?”
She leaned back in the saddle. It was true. Be careful what you wish for. She loved everything about her farm and her life here. It had been her true joy these past ten years. But lately she'd felt like it wasn't enough.
She had her mother and she had her horses, but if she was completely honest, there was something missing. There was an emptiness in her heart.
“Am I supposed to fill that with Hailey, Lord? Am I supposed to let her into my heart so I can bring some happiness to her life?”
She listened, hoping for an answer. Around her, all was a paradox of nature. The ferocious ocean created a sea of tranquility. Wind whipped her hair, but it cleared her heart and calmed her soul. Surrounded by the turbulence of nature, she found peace in her discourse with the Lord, in seeking his way. And maybe there was her answer. In the peaceful silence, a calm assertion that she could make a difference in a child's life.
The more difficult the child, the more necessary the love.
Where had those words come from?
Willa didn't know, but they settled over her with the calm assurance that despite what her aching heart told her about bringing David back into her life, the Lord wanted her to bring healing into Hailey's life. And that was the greater good.
Chapter Three
David disconnected the call and turned to find Hailey staring at him, her expression downcast, but with the stubborn slant he was getting far too used to.
“What is it? What did she say? She isn't going to train me, is she? It's all your fault. You stayed on the phone. Why do you have to spoil everything?”
The bitter tirade was beginning to wear on David's nerves. “Whoa there, Princess. I didn't spoil anything.”
Not for his daughter anyway. The demands Willa had made on him were pretty heavy though. According to Willa, if he wanted her to train Hailey, he would have to participate in the lessons. He couldn't drop Hailey off and return later. He had to be there, with his phone turned off.
He could almost laugh at the way his evasion technique had backfired. He'd hidden behind his cell phone to avoid seeing her, and now she was going to stipulate he had to have it off and be present with his daughter.
Why? Why would Willa insist that he stay for the lessons? He'd expect to be the last person she wanted to see.
And how was he supposed to find time to squeeze this into a schedule that was already jerked around to fit in Hailey time? He looked over at his petulant princess. It didn't really matter whether he could find the time or not. He had to. He'd have to work extra time before she got up and after she went to bed. It was ironic that, because he'd hidden behind his phone to avoid her, Willa had misunderstood his attention to Hailey. Given his daughter's behavior, he often wondered if he gave her too much time and attention.
“Willa said she would give you lessons.”
“She did?”
The doubt in Hailey's voice was heartbreaking. There was such surprise. As if she knew just how much of a little devil she had been. “We'll go back in the morning.”
“We?”
“Yes, I'm going to be at the lessons with you.”
“Why? Horses were mommy's thing, not yours.”
“Believe it or not, I used to spend quite a lot of time around the stable when your mother and Willa were girls. All three of us were friends.”
The way Hailey's face lit up squeezed his heart. “So you know Colonel?”
David smiled. “Colonel and I go way back. He's eaten many a carrot from my pocket.”
“I thought horses liked apples.”
“Not Colonel. He was partial to carrots.”
Hailey wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him. “Thank you, Daddy.”
“For the carrots?”
“No, silly. For the riding lessons. I know this isn't fun for you. If you and mommy and Willa were all friends, the farm must be a sad place for you. But you're doing it for me. Thank you.”
David wasn't sure if he was more surprised by the surprisingly perceptive comment from a nine-year old or by the selflessness of his spoiled daughter.
He reached down and tugged on her braid. “My pleasure, Princess. I'm not saying there won't be hard memories, but it will give me a chance to replace them with new ones of you and your horse.”
“I know which horse I want. Willa says I can't have him yet. That he's had a hard life. We have to get him used to people before I can ride him.”
Fear spiked in David's heart. Her words reminded him how dangerous a sport riding could be. But life was dangerous. Susan's death proved that. He couldn't hide his girl from it completely, even if he wished he could wrap her in cotton wool and never let her out of his sight.
Hailey was prattling on about the horse, and David smiled thinking this was the happiest he'd seen her in her entire life. So it was probably not the time to tell her about Willa's other requirement. Willa had been firm. The lessons would be done her way.
“Daddy, can we stop at the store and get carrots for Colonel before we go back?”
David looked down into her suddenly angelic face. He'd made bad choices in his life. He could wish them away and torment himself about past mistakes, but he wouldn't have Hailey if he'd chosen any other path, so how could he really regret anything. “Sorry, Princess.”
Just like that storm clouds covered her happiness, reminding him that she was only so happy because she was getting her way, and it could change in the blink of an eye.
“We have to check with Willa first. Colonel's an old dude now. Who knows if his teeth can handle carrots?” David held his breath.
Hailey's face cleared. “Okay, we'll check with Willa.”
All hail the power of Willa. David smiled at the change in his daughter after just an hour in Willa's company. He knew the feeling all too well.
*
Willa shivered as she strode across the lawn. It was cold even for Connecticut in November. The frost-covered grass crunched beneath her feet and her breath fogged the early morning air. She smothered a yawn. She'd only just gotten back to the barn after an early morning workout with the horses when security had alerted her that David and Hailey had arrived.
They were waiting for her by the paddock gate. David leaned on the fence, his elbows resting on the top rail while Hailey paced up and down beside him trying to see the horses.
David turned, an apologetic expression on his face. “Sorry. She's been up since four.”
Willa read the unspoken nagging at me to move it and get over here on his tired face.
“I brought coffee.” He offe
red the paper cup.
Willa took a grateful sip and closed her eyes to savor the warmth and flavor.
When she opened them again, the first thing she saw was the intense blue of David's eyes as he studied her. She looked quickly away. The sadness in his eyes was too much. It was almost harder to see him mourn his late wife than it had been to think of them happy together.
“Willa, you're here. Finally! Can Colonel eat carrots? Can I ride now? When will my first competition be?”
“Whoa.” Willa held up a hand. “I need a few more sips of coffee before I can match your enthusiasm, but what's this about Colonel and carrots?”
“Daddy was telling me how he used to feed carrots to Colonel.”
Willa looked at David in surprise. He looked sheepish.
“Guilty.”
She laughed. “We have to watch his calories now, but I'll give you some special treats you can give him.” She waited a beat. “After we learn to clean the stall and groom him.”
She was not surprised to see Hailey's face twist into a look of distaste.
“Mommy said that's what we pay grooms for.”
Willa rubbed her fingers over her tired eyes. She bit back the remark she wanted to make and searched for a better memory of Susan. “Your mother was probably just too busy with her career. She didn't always feel that way.”
“Well I need to be busy learning to be a champion.”
Willa had deliberately avoided David's gaze at the first comment. Now when she turned to look at him, he averted his glance. “I'm guessing you didn't tell her the fine points of our agreement. “
He looked back at her and winced.
Willa sighed. “Coward,” she mouthed at him before turning to the child. “Hailey, come over here for a minute.”
Willa led her to a bale of hay. She sat down and urged Hailey to take a seat opposite her.