“Wow,” Etienne said in that musical accent of his. “Wow.”
Lucas giggled—it was out before he could help it, even though it was girly. He went to Etienne, who started to kiss him then froze and looked at Lucas’s mother.
“Don’t let me stop you,” she said.
So he did. It was a sweet kiss. And then Etienne was pinning the red rose on his lapel. A matching lapel. They’d decided on classic black tuxedoes.
“Okay, I’m taking pictures!” cried Lucas’s mother.
So then she posed them—several times, trying to get everything just right—and took picture after picture, and Lucas had to finally get her to stop so they wouldn’t be late.
Etienne held the car door open for him, closed it after Lucas got in, ran around the other side, and got in himself. Then he looked at Lucas in a way that made Lucas’s stomach clench. Before he even saw it coming, Etienne leaned over and kissed him.
Lucas gave a mental shrug. Relax.
It was nice. Wasn’t it?
“Tonight’s the night,” Etienne whispered. “I’ve got it all planned out.”
Hmmm? What? Lucas looked at him, puzzled.
He leaned in very close, placed a hand on Lucas’s crotch, and whispered in his ear. “Fucking. I’m so ready. And if you don’t want me to do it to you—” He leaned back and looked at him with eyes so blue they almost looked topaz. “—then you can do it to me. I followed the instructions. I’m ready. You know… clean.”
Lucas’s face blazed. “Oh.” It was all he could say.
Oh God, oh God, oh God was what he was thinking. What am I going to do?
“My… brother—you know, the family I’m living with—he got us a room at the motel out on the edge of town.”
Oh God, oh God, oh God….
“Do you have any idea how I feel about you, Lucas?”
That look! That look on his face! He means it!
“But….” But I don’t love you. “But we can’t stay the night in a hotel! What will my mother say?”
Etienne smiled at him shyly. “I guess we won’t spend the night. Your mom will forgive us for being out late, though. Right? It’s prom after all. She probably went to the prom.”
Lucas gulped.
“And aren’t we supposed to lose our virginity at prom?”
He kissed Lucas again, and then they were on their way.
3
THEY GOT their pictures taken first thing, and no one even blinked. In fact the girls taking the pictures cooed over them.
Lucas was embarrassed, but it was fun. It would have been more fun if his head wasn’t whirling.
Etienne wanted them to lose their virginity tonight? Tonight? They hadn’t even tried blowjobs—although he had to admit that was his fault. He had wanted to… but then he couldn’t. He’d dreamed about it. He had imagined himself doing it to Dalton for years. At one time the idea had seemed kind of gross—but that had been a very short time.
That had changed when he’d seen Dalton’s erection that night at Diego’s. After that it was surprising how he’d changed his mind. And how many times he’d kicked himself for not going for it when there had been opportunity. Now? Now he would have done it to Diego if that had only meant he could have done it to Dalton as well.
“Lucas. Etienne. Wow!”
He spun around, and there was Dalton. And Rebecca. Talk about “wow.”
“You two look incredible,” Dalton said.
No. It was Dalton that looked incredible. Amazing. Marvelous. Astonishing. Beautiful.
He had gone with classic designer. Black with a dark charcoal trim and matching gray vest and tie. His shirt was so white it was dazzling.
But nothing compared to Dalton himself.
He hadn’t shaved. Not today at least. There was a heavy shadow of beard, and it made him look even more masculine than Lucas already knew he was. Dalton hadn’t gotten a haircut either, had turned his back on that cookie-cutter style so many of the boys had tonight, that cut every boy’s mother insisted on—
“You’ll look back at these pictures your whole life—you’ll want to look wonderful! You can grow your hair back….”
—and instead gone with his usual shag.
Lucas couldn’t stop looking at him. Looking at his face, his narrow, stunning brown eyes, his mouth, his lips….
He remembered what it was like to kiss those lips. He’d never forgotten. He dreamed of those kisses.
He’d thought of those kisses when he kissed Etienne.
“Hello!”
Lucas jerked and looked away from Dalton to see Rebecca—a funny look on her face—staring at him, hand raised. She waved it.
“Hello?”
“Hello,” Lucas said and then saw that she was beautiful, and of course Dalton was here with her tonight. Her gown was red, and it was gorgeous. Her long dark blonde hair was swept back and over her shoulders, and she was even wearing long gloves. Dalton was straight, and he was with the perfect woman.
And Lucas bit down hard on the insides of his cheeks so he wouldn’t start crying. Instead, after taking a deep breath, he said, “You both look gorgeous—you especially, Rebecca.”
Her smile was dazzling, and it was like a knife to the heart.
“Shall we go in?” asked Dalton, and when Lucas looked at him and the way Dalton was looking back, for just one second he thought he saw….
No. Stop. Stop looking for something that isn’t there. Dalton is with her.
“Baby?” said Etienne, and Lucas turned to him and saw the troubled look on his face—
I did that.
—and he leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips, right in front of everyone.
Including Dalton.
“Everything is fine,” Lucas lied. Then he nodded. “Yes. Let’s go in.”
4
THEY EVEN sat at the same table.
It might have been better if they hadn’t. He wouldn’t have had to look at them having fun.
Rebecca laughed, and she looked like she should be some kind of movie star or beauty queen. Dalton waited on her—the perfect gentleman—getting her faux champagne and little treats and of course asking her to dance.
It was a relief when Sam showed up and joined them. They’d turned into the finishing-each-other’s-sentences kind of friends, and now he could talk and distract himself from thoughts of losing his virginity or watching Dalton with Rebecca. And she’d come stag because she refused to come with a guy, and the girl she sometimes saw was totally on the down low. Even Lucas didn’t know her name.
His first dance was with her. It was easier dancing with a girl, especially when there was nothing sexual there. It made him think that he could dance with a boy—could dance with Etienne—before the night was over.
Etienne had to ask Lucas to dance three times before he could. Funny that he’d fantasized about this for years, and yet it took three times to get him out on the floor.
And it was… nice. Nice that the body fit against his the way it should. Nice that there was a hard chest against his instead of soft breasts. And a certain sexiness in knowing his crotch was pressed against a male crotch. That he knew what was there instead of the sort of scary mystery of what lay there with a girl.
Then to his surprise, soon other people asked him to dance. Julie, Sam’s old crush. Rebecca—that was a shock. Even Diego—which made him uncomfortable at first since he clearly remembered the night the guy had tried to force him into sucking his cock. But it had been four or five years, and Diego seemed to be a different man. He even slipped Lucas his phone number.
Dalton didn’t ask Lucas for a dance, though….
And after a while, Etienne didn’t give him a chance. He made sure he got all the rest of the dances.
Their dancing wasn’t universally accepted. There were some sneers, a few frowns, at least one not-so-whispered “Fags!” But for the most part, it really was magic. Dancing under aluminum-foil-covered stars and silver streamers to the music of t
he band. With a guy. No pretending at all. He was dancing with a guy, in front of his whole school.
Etienne was looking at him with pride and love and God-I’m-giving-you-my-virginity-tonight.
And I’m going to take it, Lucas thought, even though somehow he’d always assumed he was going to be the one to be taken. But he hadn’t followed any instructions, hadn’t gotten himself clean—not in that way.
It had never occurred to him.
They danced to “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls (which Lucas couldn’t help but dance to despite the lyrics that made him nervous) and “Show Me Love” by Robyn (Lucas loved Robyn) and “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind (who could resist the beat?) and “Hot in Here” by Nelly (which also made Lucas quite nervous but obviously pleased Etienne, to go by the flashing in his eyes) with its lines about shooting my steam and taking off your clothes (the chaperones were letting them play this song?).
The ballads were the worst.
How could Lucas tell Etienne that he couldn’t slow dance? But did it have to be Jewel’s “You Were Meant for Me,” even though it was sort of a breakup song?
“You were meant for me,” Etienne told him, holding him close and swaying to the song and—God, God, God—Etienne was hard. Lucas could feel it pressed against him and damned his body for responding. What message was that giving?
That song led to “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton, and when Lucas saw Dalton dancing with Rebecca over Etienne’s shoulder, he had to pull away and go back to the table.
“You okay?” Etienne asked, and Lucas made some excuse about needing some air, and it was only logical that Etienne asked him if he wanted to step outside.
Why not?
It got him away from having to watch Dalton dance so close with Rebecca.
Would they be having sex too? Lucas wondered, which of course reminded him that, apparently, he was losing his virginity tonight.
There were other people who’d had the same idea, and most of them were hanging in the shadows so they could smoke and make out. Etienne took him by the hand and led him to one of those shadows and soon was kissing him.
He was a good kisser, there was no denying that, and Etienne was male, and the feeling of that muscular chest against Lucas’s and his strong arms wrapped around him made his body respond once again.
Etienne shifted his hardness against Lucas’s and said, “God, that is so damned sexy. I can’t wait for us to get our clothes off. You?”
“I…. I….” What to say? “You just don’t know….”
Etienne flashed him a smile, and his perfect teeth shone in the dark from the reflection of the streetlights that lined the sidewalk.
“I bet when we rub them together we can get a fire going, denk je niet?”
Lucas gulped. Etienne was slipping into Dutch again. He did that when he got particularly excited or romantic. It was cute. Maybe even a little sexy. But hell, he had no idea what Etienne was saying. He could be asking for a recipe for chicken parmesan for all Lucas knew.
“Oh, Lucas,” Etienne said with a sigh. “You have no idea what you do to me.” He trembled and pressed his hardness against Lucas’s.
Definitely not the recipe for chicken parmesan.
“You’re so mooi. Beautiful. Like a meisje—like a girl.”
And there it was, that dreaded word. Girl. He wasn’t a girl!
“Oh, Lucas!” Etienne said and kissed Lucas again and then held him, pushing him up against one of the pillars, getting ready to kiss him once more, and…
…that was when Lucas saw Dalton and Rebecca.
They were kissing too.
Hell, not just kissing. Making out! They looked like they were going to start having sex right there. It hurt and made him angry and made him want to puke.
And then Etienne was kissing him again, and it felt good to be wanted when someone else couldn’t be bothered, and Lucas finally surrendered and knew that later tonight, he was going to truly be with another guy for the first time.
Somebody who cared about him.
5
THEY GOT to the Haven’s 24 Inn about eleven. Etienne already had the key, so there was no embarrassing moment with the front desk clerk at the little no-tell motel. No disapproving looks or comments when two young men wearing tuxedos tried to get a room on the night of the town’s high school senior prom.
It was with fear and excitement that Lucas got out of Etienne’s car—or at least Etienne’s sponsor’s car.
I can’t believe I am doing this. I am finally losing my virginity!
But that was when he saw Dalton’s car. He wasn’t prepared to see the little Honda parked outside the hotel room three or four doors down from the one Etienne was leading him to. For a moment Lucas thought he would die.
But then Etienne unlocked the door and, to Lucas’s total surprise, scooped him up and carried him over the threshold and to the bed. He kissed him and then left him long enough to light some candles that had obviously been put there earlier. Then Etienne locked the door, went to the bathroom, and when he returned, he had a bucket with a champagne bottle sticking out of it, which he placed on the table on Lucas’s side of the big bed. He popped it and poured it into two lovely fluted glasses.
“To us,” Etienne said, and Lucas sat up and took the offered glass. They clinked, sipped, and then kissed.
It was sweet. It really was.
Etienne had gone to a lot of trouble to make this evening perfect, that was clear.
I’d be stupid to let this pass me by. It wasn’t what he had dreamed of, but that fantasy wasn’t going to happen, was it? Dalton didn’t love him. Or wouldn’t. Couldn’t? But this young man loved him. He wanted to make love. God. He wanted Lucas to… fuck him.
Quite suddenly he flashed on Dalton. He couldn’t help it.
Were he and Rebecca naked yet? Were they fucking?
“Baby?”
Lucas looked at the man who was so very busy looking at him—really looking at him and no one else.
Let it go, he told himself. Take what’s right there wanting you.
“Oh, Lucas. Ik hou van jou,” Etienne said with a soft gasp. “You know I love you, right?”
Lucas gulped. Love? Had Etienne ever said anything about love? “I know now.” The thing was, Lucas didn’t know whether to be excited or scared, thrilled or horrified. Love? Etienne loved him?
“You didn’t know already?” Etienne asked.
And oh, the look of surprise on Etienne’s face. Had he really thought Lucas knew? That Etienne loved him?
I didn’t know!
Liar. You knew.
“We never said it before…,” he reasoned. Carefully.
“Well, I do. I love you, Lucas. Please tell me you love me too.”
But as he looked into those pleading eyes, Lucas knew he didn’t. He didn’t love Etienne, and he couldn’t say that he did.
Just like Dalton can’t tell me he loves me when he doesn’t.
No. He couldn’t say it. So he kissed him instead.
That’s what Etienne needed. Or near enough.
Etienne put the champagne glasses aside, pushed Lucas back onto the bed, and kissed Lucas in a way he’d never dreamed possible. And he kissed back.
He thinks this means you love him too.
I never said it.
Doesn’t matter.
That night he was going to do what Etienne wanted. It wasn’t the way he’d imagined losing his virginity, but there were far worse ways. And who knew? Maybe he could learn to love him.
Lucas took a deep breath. In his head he heard his mother say, “Let me give you this one piece of advice. I’m not stupid enough to think you’ll wait until you get married to have sex. Damn it, you can’t get married! But do this, Lucas. Make sure the first time is special. Don’t just throw it away like a piece of garbage. Make it something you’ll remember forever. Make it something that when you’re fifty or sixty or eighty—”
Eighty? Would he ever get to be eig
hty? That was older than she was!
“—that you can look back on and smile. Will you do that for me?”
This is a good first time. And God, Etienne certainly knew how to kiss.
Suddenly Etienne pulled away and sat up on the edge of the bed. He was panting. He was wiping at his face.
What the hell? “Etienne? Are you okay?”
There was a long pause.
“This is wrong…,” Etienne whispered.
Lucas propped himself up on his elbows. “What’s wrong?” he asked, confused. Dazed from the passionate kissing.
“I…. I need to tell you something.”
“What?” What did he want to say? Screw talking! The time for talking was past.
“I’m… I’m not telling you everything. That’s what’s wrong.”
You’re not telling me everything? Well, Etienne, that makes two of us. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then slowly let it out. He reached out and touched Etienne’s arm. “Etienne?”
“I’m leaving, Lucas. This summer. I’m going home. And I don’t know if I’ll be back.”
At first the words didn’t make any sense. They had taken Lucas completely by surprise. Leaving? Not coming back? What was he talking about? Going home? “Going home?”
Etienne turned and looked at him, and there were tears in his eyes. “Lucas. I’m a foreign exchange student, for Christ’s sake. I was here for a year. It’s time for me to go home.”
Lucas froze. Then it hit him. Of course. Why hadn’t he realized that?
Because you weren’t thinking about it.
“Before we go on, you need to know. If we do this…. We might not see each other again. I can’t promise you anything but tonight. And a few more weeks.”
And for some reason, that was a relief. Lucas relaxed.
Etienne looked away. “Something else.”
“What?” Lucas asked. He touched Etienne again.
“You won’t tell me?”
Tell him? Tell him what? “Tell you what?”
“That you’re in love with him?” he asked in a tone that was almost a snarl.
Lucas shivered. God. Did he even do Etienne the injustice of asking who? Lucas swallowed. Tried to decide what to say.
A More Perfect Union Page 28