by S. J. Bishop
"I'm sorry," he said again.
"Me too," I said. "You're right. I should have told you the second I found out. I tried to. It's just... every time I started to or thought I could, it seemed like the wrong time."
My eyes squeezed shut. I felt hot tears drip down my face and pulled back, trying to brush them away. Caden kissed them away instead. "Don't you worry," he said. "I'll be with you every step of the way."
I fell gratefully back against him, letting him rock me in his arms. This was what I'd hoped would happen.
"I'll take care of everything. You don't have to worry about it a second longer."
"Thank you," I muttered through my tears.
"Just let me know when you want me to make the appointment. The sooner the better, I think. Then we can put this behind us and move forward."
I paused. Something he'd just said didn't sound right. I looked up at him, trying to smile.
"When you say, 'make an appointment,' you mean with a doctor, right?"
"Of course."
I relaxed and laid my head back against his shoulder.
"Unless a nurse can do it. I don't know anything about these types of procedures. I guess it's too late for that morning after pill, huh?"
"Morning after pill?" I yelled. "Caden... are you talking about an abortion?"
He cocked his head to one side. "Of course I am. Why? What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about keeping this baby. When I said a doctor's appointment, I meant with an obstetrician at a hospital, not a doctor at an abortion clinic."
We stood staring at each other, back to square one.
"Raina, you can't have this baby."
"Why the fuck not?"
"Because," he said, licking his lips. I could see the panic in his eyes. "Because I don't want a fucking baby, that's why. And neither do you."
"You can't tell me what I want and what I don't want. You're not in my head."
"Goddammit, I know you well enough to know that you can't want this!"
"If that's what you think, Caden, then you must not know me at all!"
I turned away from him and ran back into the house, hoping his neighbors hadn't heard us arguing. The last thing I needed was for the press to get ahold of this before I could break the news to Eli or my father.
My father.
Fuck. I'd hardly spoken to him in the last year. What would he say when I called him out of the blue with this kind of news? Whatever. It didn't matter. All that mattered was getting the fuck out of here before Caden tried to change my mind.
"Raina!" he yelled, coming up behind me. "We need to talk about this!"
"There's nothing more to talk about," I told him.
"Goddammit, I don't want to lose you over this."
"Too late. You already have."
42
Caden
I stared at the back of the door as it slammed shut. Raina ran down the driveway, got in her car, and drove off. Her tires squealed on the pavement. I couldn't help but think that driving recklessly like that could get her pulled over. That would be funny. Except I wasn't laughing.
I walked to my hall closet and pulled out a golf club. It was in its bag next to the baseball bat I'd grabbed the first time Mr. Asshole broke in. I rarely golfed. Gavin had given me the set when I'd hit my first year of sobriety. He'd told me that golf was relaxing and that there would be days when I'd need a good game of it.
I looked around the kitchen, then rose the club in the air and started bashing things. First, the refrigerator. It was big and heavy and stood up to me as I hit it over and over again. I moved to the counters, swiping everything off in one swoop. The glasses that were on it fell to the floor with a satisfying crash. The sound of them breaking was so satisfying that I swiped everything off the other counter. The blender crashed to the floor, more of a thud than breaking glass.
By the time I was finished, it looked as though a tornado had swept through my kitchen. Mellow had run to hide while it was happening. He came walking carefully out now that it was quiet again and looked around. His head cocked to the side, looking at me with green eyes. "Meow?" he asked. I let out a long breath and scratched his head.
Mellow tried to step into the kitchen.
"No!" I screamed, scaring him. I didn't want him stepping on the glass. "You have to stay out here." But he wouldn't listen. He kept trying to get in.
"What are you doing? I said stay out of here!"
I looked around for one of his toys to distract him but didn't see anything. He tried to wiggle through my legs. His soft fur brushed against me. I grabbed him and picked him up, cradling him in my arms. He was staring at something. I followed Mellow's gaze and finally realized that among the mess I'd created lay Mellow's food and water bowls. They were in pieces.
"What the fuck is Raina thinking?" I asked him. "I can't even take care of a cat. How am I supposed to take care of a baby?" I put Mellow in my bedroom while I cleaned up the kitchen. The process was long and arduous, just like my life up ‘til now.
I put out two fresh bowls and released Mellow from my bedroom.
"Sorry, buddy," I said, scratching his head. He hissed at me.
"I deserve that."
Everything I touched turned to shit. I grabbed my keys and walked down the street to Bishop's Pub. I pulled open the door, and the first thing that greeted me was the smell of booze. There was no other smell like it. It was like a straight shot of caffeine to my head. I headed straight for the bar, not even bothering to look around. The same tough-as-nails bartender who'd been here last time walked over to me. Maria.
"Hey there," she said, winking at me.
"Vodka. Straight up."
"Not in the mood for chit chat tonight, are we?"
She poured my drink. I held it in my hand for a minute, staring at it. Was it really such a big deal if I just had one? Maybe two?
Fuck it. Who was I kidding? I'd never been able to drink one of anything.
I swallowed it back. The liquid burned my throat. I'd forgotten how good it felt.
"Can I get another?" I asked.
Maria brought the bottle and set it down for me. "Looks like you might need the whole thing tonight. I recognize that kind of face."
"No, just one more," I told her, then wondered why I was lying. "Yeah, okay, leave the bottle."
I watched myself in the mirror that lined the wall behind the bar. I still looked like me. Somehow, I thought I wouldn't recognize myself, but there I was. It made things worse. I felt like an imposter. Like an alien living inside my old body, looking out on a strange world.
"Want some company?" a voice to my left asked. I turned to see a tired looking hooker with dark red hair. She was leaning toward me, showing off her cleavage.
"Get lost," I told her. She crinkled her brow.
"You sure about that? You only get one chance with a girl like me," she laughed and winked.
"I wanna be alone. Get it? Fuck off." I slammed my drink down and poured another. She was still standing there.
"No," she said, shaking her head sadly. "I don't get it. Who wants to be alone on a Friday night? Everybody wants somebody, Mister. I feel sorry for you if you don't know that." She walked away.
Great. Even hookers think I'm pathetic.
I swallowed another shot. When Maria came by again, I asked her for a bigger glass.
43
Raina Jax Jax
"I'm here to see Steven Kendricks," I told the guard after signing in. I flashed my badge and was brought back to the same little room where I'd met with him only a few days before.
I knew it was a mistake to be here. It had to be. If Eli or my father found out I was even entertaining the possibility of Steven Kendricks' innocence, they'd think I was crazy. I wondered if Eli would be mad. I'd left a message for him the other day. I'd asked if he'd talked to our dad yet and introduced him to Harper. I hadn't heard back.
My gut told me that for Eli to give me dad another chance, something big was gonn
a have to happen. I didn't think Eli's upcoming wedding—as important as I'm sure it was to him—was quite big enough. I hoped Harper understood. She had seemed nice. I also hoped Natalie stayed far away from the wedding.
You're assuming that Caden will be there with you. Do you really think he'll want to go anywhere with you after what happened yesterday?
I begged the voice in my head not to make me rehash everything from my fight with Caden. I'd cried myself to sleep last night and had awoken this morning both hungry and nauseous at the same time, which until now, I would have thought was impossible. I supposed it was one of the many joys of being pregnant.
I'd sat at my desk for an hour this morning, pouring over the evidence we had. The heel print with the letter "A" still bothered me more than anything else. We hadn't been able to figure it out. Caden had said he called the guy Mr. Asshole. I wished it was a simple as that. A for Asshole. But I doubted that's what it came down to.
Mac thought it was a mistake for me to come down here and see Kendricks. I knew he would. I almost didn't tell him when I'd made up my mind to do it, but I had to let someone know. Since Caden was being a dick, and I knew Eli would freak out, that only left Mac. I was glad I had told him, too, because even though he thought it was a mistake, he didn't tell me not to do it. He was a real friend.
That was more than I could say for Caden right now. His reaction last night hadn't exactly surprised me, but it had disappointed me. In a big way. Maybe the worst way possible. I wasn't sure I could be with a man like that, even if he apologized. It would have to be the best apology in the history of apologies.
The door opened, and I stood up. Steven Kendricks didn't look surprised to see me.
"Well, hello there, Officer Parker. How goes it this fine Saturday?"
"That's yet to be determined," I said. His smile widened.
"What can I do for you?"
I nodded to the guard to shut the door and indicated to Steven that he should take a seat. The table we were at was small. He was still wearing handcuffs, but they weren't locked to anything.
"Think you can take get these off for me?" he asked, looking at the metal links around his wrist.
I hesitated, then knocked on the window in the door. The guard came in, and I asked him to remove the cuffs.
"You sure about that? This one got into a fight with another prisoner the other day. Stabbed him with a fork."
I looked at Kendricks, who blinked innocently back at me. "It was self-defense."
I sighed and told the guard to go ahead. As much as I hated to give Kendricks even the smallest amount of freedom, I wanted answers. The simplest way to get them was to give Kendricks what he wanted. Besides, he hadn't been cuffed the last time I'd seen him, and it had been fine.
My throat was running dry today. I chugged a bottle of water that was on the table and tried to gather my thoughts. I'd spoken to the D.A., and there was no way they were prepared to cut any sort of deal with Kendricks unless they knew there was something solid behind his information.
The guard looked at me a moment longer than he would have if I was a man. I was used to it. All men wanted to protect women, even when they didn't need or want protecting. "I'll be right outside if you need me," he said. I nodded, and Kendricks and I sat down.
"So," Kendricks said, "did you bring me my deal?"
I shook my head. "No deals. Not until we know you've got something real."
He cocked an eyebrow. "You doubt me?"
"I doubt everything."
"Good," he laughed. "You probably should." We sat looking at each other, waiting in silence. Kendricks finally spoke. "If there's no deal, then there's nothing more to say." He stood up. "Guard!" he called.
The guard was in the room almost immediately.
"Wait," I said. Kendricks looked at me, then he looked at the guard. "I guess we're not quite through yet," he said and sat back down. The guard looked at me, and I nodded. He went back outside.
"Something more you want to say?" Kendricks asked.
"I spoke to your daughter," I lied.
I didn't like to lie, but I was sick of this bullshit. I'd buried my mother fifteen years ago. Digging her up again was just too much. If I was gonna do it, I had to do it fast. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. Besides that, if the earring I'd found was real, then there was a connection between the guy blackmailing Caden and my mother's killer. And it wasn't just in my imagination. I needed to figure this out now. Before I had to bury someone else I loved.
"You spoke to my daughter? Really?" he asked suspiciously.
I nodded. Although I hadn't spoken to her, I had looked her up. There were a few tidbits of information on her in Kendricks' file.
"Tell me something, then," he said. "What is my granddaughter's name? She's a newborn, and I doubt that kind of information is in any file anywhere. Except maybe the hospital's."
I thought back to the file I'd studied. His daughter's name was Elizabeth. Her mother's name... I couldn't remember. One thing I did remember, however, was that Elizabeth had been raised by her grandmother who'd died recently. Her grandmother's name was...
"Alexis," I said. "They're calling her Lexi for a nickname." It was a shot in the dark.
Kendricks' eyes widened. "You really have spoken to her. What did she say? She still won't speak to me. I've only gotten the one letter from her."
"She's willing to talk to you," I told him, "but she wants the truth as much as I do."
"The truth?" he asked.
"She wants to know if her father is a murderer."
"I'm not," he said, his voice low and sullen. "I've already told you."
"Tell me again. Only this time, don't leave out the details you claim to have. Unless you never want to see your daughter and granddaughter."
His lips turned down at the corners. I could see him mulling it over. "If I give you what you want," he said slowly, "do you promise to help me get what I want? Not one of those bullshit promises cops make then end up breaking. I want real assurance from you."
I considered it. "If what you say is true and you're innocent, then yes, I promise to help you get out of here."
"Swear to me."
"I swear it."
"No. Swear on your mother's name."
I hesitated, searching his face. Part of me must have believed him or I would never have done it. "I swear on the name of Molly Parker. If you help me capture her real killer, I will do everything within my power to help you get out of here."
Kendricks studied my face for a moment and then nodded.
"The man you're looking for is Logan Woodman."
44
Caden
My head was throbbing. My mouth tasted like a sewer. Snippets from last night came crashing back at me.
"Fuck me," I mumbled. I half-fell, half-rolled out of bed and made my way to the shower. The hot water felt great as it beat on my back. I sat down in the tub, letting the water work its magic. It was amazing how quickly you could fall back into your old routine. This was exactly what I’d used to do after a night of partying in my college days.
Ugh. My college days.
What was that saying? It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.
There were parts of college I had long wished I could've skipped over, especially now that that world was caving in around me. The steam from the shower began to clear my head. I couldn't believe I'd talked to Raina like that yesterday. No, I didn't want a baby, but I also didn't want to lose her. Was it too late to make things right? I hoped not. Maybe if I called her... if I told her I would consider the possibility...
But did I really think she would talk to me? After all the things I'd said? It seemed impossible that she would want anything to do with me ever again.
"I really am a fucking idiot," I said to myself. The shower curtain began to move. I pulled it back and saw Mellow standing there. He agreed with me.
I turned off the water and dried off. I wished I could have just stayed in there all day,
but I had practice. And I had to call Gavin. It was gonna kill me to tell him he'd been right to worry. I had been so angry at everyone for constantly checking up on me that it never occurred to me they were only trying to be good friends. Raina included.
I was still pissed at her for talking to Jax like that, but I could understand now why she'd done it.
I got dressed and grabbed my phone. I had eight missed phone calls. I played them back. The first one was from Coach Hall.
"Caden, it's nine. Where the hell are you?"
Oh fuck.
The second message was from Coach again.
"Caden, it's nine thirty. We're not waiting on you. You know that, right? Practice has already started."
Another message directly followed that one.
"Caden, it is now eleven fucking twenty. You better be hurt or dead, because there's no other excuse that is gonna by you any leeway from me, let alone with the team."
I stopped listening to the messages after that. They were all from Coach. The time on my phone read three o'clock. My heart broke into a sprint. Three? It was three o'clock? That meant I'd slept away the entire morning and half the afternoon. What time had I gotten in last night?
I went downstairs, wondering whether or not I should call Coach now or let him cool off. I decided not to be a pussy. I dialed his number as I pulled the iced tea from the fridge.
"Well, he's alive," Coach uttered sarcastically into the phone.
"Yeah. Barely."
"So, what excuse have you got for me? Car wreck? Train derailment? Did an airplane fall on your house?"
I took a deep breath. "I got drunk."
He was silent, which was rare for Coach Hall. I think my honesty had shocked the sarcasm out of him. When he spoke again, all I heard was concern.
"When did that start again?" he finally asked.
"Just last night. I'm sorry. I fucked up."