He looked up at her. “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”
“I worked for my last boss for five years, and he didn’t find out. Bret never came close to figuring it out. If you had a handicap that would make people think you were stupid, you’d hide it, too.”
He took her by the shoulders. “You’re not stupid. You’re probably smarter than I am. You’re lightning with your comebacks, and I’ve never had to show you anything twice on the Queen.”
Her face melted into uncertainty, then he was gazing into eyes wide with vulnerability.
“I just wish you’d trusted me enough to tell me.”
“I’ll work on it.” She pressed her lips to his cheek.
He watched her climb the steps. Light swallowed her and his comfort as the door swung shut.
His eyes burned. His body felt weary to the bone. But if he didn’t face his loss now, he’d shove it back inside where it ate at him twenty-four seven.
He stomped the cold from his feet and marched toward the fence line. Rachel had softened his pain for a few minutes, but now it sliced back into his gut like whirling razorblades. This was what he’d been afraid of—more pain than he could stand, dicing his insides.
Gramps had died beside the lake. Had he been thinking of Jake, planning to take the pram out like they used to do every day all summer long?
Jake had recovered from Gabs. Dad, not so much—a hole never filled. Gramps…. He walked the fence line, blowing his breath into the crisp night air.
If only he’d chosen to spend Gramps’ last summer with him instead of with Gabs, whom he’d just started dating. He’d chosen a rich girl he’d recovered from in a couple of months over a man he’d miss the rest of his life.
Mom said Gramps had learned to put people first. Maybe he’d cut Jake some slack for not getting it right the first time.
He glanced at the house, and his mind drifted to Rachel. She thought he was on the rebound, but she was wrong. He’d prove it to her before they went home.
He felt Gramps’ smile on his back as he pushed open the side door.
He thawed out on the basement steps, his body leaden, his emotions spent.
Rachel flipped through a picture book. Children fanned around her on the gold and green shag carpeting. She lay on her stomach, from this angle revealing more cleavage than was usually available for public consumption.
Heat flickered inside him as though a pilot light burned.
His cousin Jenny’s girl brushed Rachel’s hair. A pig-tailed pixie he recognized, but couldn’t match with the correct cousin, lay on her other side poised to turn the page. A toddler boy sat cross-legged in front of Rachel, lining up matchbox cars. Older children raced around their island of calm playing freeze tag.
Rachel would make a great mom. But that wasn’t what he was thinking about.
Rachel jogged up the basement stairs and stopped.
In the kitchen, Jake’s mother was saying to her sister, Sophie, “My son traveled the furthest and brought a friend home. That trumps your new Christmas dishwasher.” The tired creases on her face crinkled into laugh lines.
The other sister, Maxie, cleared her throat. “Excuse me, girls, but you’re forgetting I had the first grandbaby this year.”
Rachel heard Sophie harrumph as she passed through the kitchen, then their happy banter continued.
She’d done the right thing by coming to Indiana. And maybe she’d even comforted Jake tonight.
Ned crossed the kitchen behind her and jutted his chin toward his mother and aunts. “I haven’t seen Mom have fun like this in too long. Thanks for coming.”
“You could have come up with your own girl, you know.”
“Right. Why don’t you just marry my brother? Do us all a favor.”
“So, about my friend, Cat—”
“Seriously, I’d be happy to have you as a sister.”
“Thanks. Anybody as tender-hearted as you are would make a great brother-in-law.”
Jake joined them and slipped his arm around her waist.
She searched his eyes and saw a vulnerability he’d never shown her. Maybe there was a way Jake would let her take care of him. She threaded her arm around him.
Small talk swilled the room, lulling her into contentment. She wouldn’t mind joining this family. Not at all.
“Goodnight—” Mom, Rachel almost said. She stood in the living room doorway, watching Joanne trudge up the stairs in her new slippers and a worn terry robe.
Jake came up behind Rachel. “You’re standing under the mistletoe.”
His breath tickled her neck, and she turned to face him. Her glance traveled from the mistletoe to Jake’s grin.
His smile faded, and his hands settled on her waist.
Even though no question formed in Jake’s eyes, she knew she could back away and he would let her go. But she wanted this kiss. She leaned into him, meeting cool lips that tasted of Dr. Pepper. Her arms laced around his shoulders.
Jake moaned and folded her to him, his chest expanding and contracting against hers.
Her fingers wove into the curls at the back of his neck. She wanted to stay here forever, feeling loved and cherished by Jake.
Someone barreled through the kitchen door startling them apart. “Hoo wee!” Tim said. “At least somebody’s getting use out of my mistletoe. Get it, bro.” He slapped Jake five on the way past and bounded up the stairs.
Jake caressed her cheek, his breath coming in short bursts like hers. “Early morning tomorrow. I’m taking you to Clifty Falls State Park. You’re going to love it.” He kissed her hairline and moved up the stairs.
Wait. I kissed you because I wanted to. And I wasn’t done.
Her pulse eased into the normal range and she touched the spot Jake had kissed. It was an odd habit, but endearing. She sighed. What if Jake loved her? What if Cat was right? They could get married on the Queen at the end of his family’s cruise in May.
She pushed open the door to Jake’s old room and pulled out her phone. A text from Hall. Things not pretty here. Pray for Mom and Dad.
The thousand miles between her and the wreckage of her parents’ marriage evaporated and she sank to her knees. I’m begging You. Save my parents’ marriage.
But would He? What if her parents’ split was permanent? What if Mama moved away with Skye?
Tears blurred the soccer letters and medals on Jake’s high school bulletin board. She stood and let the skirt that made her feel so feminine fall in a pool of wrinkles at her feet. The so-soft sweater dropped on top of it. She yanked on her sweats and the cool fleece chilled her skin.
Did her parents think divorce didn’t hurt adult children? What would Mama and Dad’s divorce do to Hall? To her?
Being with Jake and his family this week had lulled her into thinking it could work between them. Hall’s text was her wake-up call. She didn’t want a marriage built on the San Andreas Fault like her parents’ had been.
When she switched off the lamp, hulking sobs she’d held back for over a week ambushed her. She buried her face in Jake’s pillow. God, it hurts so badly.
She ached for Mom’s fingers running through her hair, her voice murmuring that everything would be all right. Rachel peered out the window at the night, seeing Mama speeding out of her life, half-way through Georgia, in a black Corvette.
Chapter 28
The caffeine from the cup of coffee Rachel swallowed on the way to the park finally kicked into her system. Hiking into the ravine, she munched on the now-cold toast and bacon Jake had wrapped in a paper towel and shoved into her pocket at the house.
He’d dragged her—literally—out of bed before sunup. She’d come to when he plunked her down on the toilet seat lid and tossed her cosmetics bag into her lap, saying something about it being the last chance for her to see the Ohio River.
But all she could think about was waking and dreaming and waking and dreaming of her parents screaming obscenities at each other—and Jake’s ripping her from sleep before
God was even awake.
God, please…. She didn’t even know what to pray.
At the bottom of the ravine they crossed a dry creek bed filled with dead leaves and limestone slabs. Starting up the adjacent incline, a crisp breeze swept through the canyon, and she tugged Nikki’s wool headband over her ears. She sucked air into her oxygen-starved lungs as she mashed her steps into Jake’s footfalls.
“So, how many kids do you want?” Jake asked, nearing the peak.
Rachel caught her breath at the top and peered back into the ravine. “Huh? Was I asleep when you began this conversation?” She loosened her coat to let in some cool air.
“Answer the question.”
“Morning people.” She sucked in a deep breath. “I want a houseful. I don’t know exactly how many. You?”
“When I was a kid, I thought four kids in my family were three too many. Our house was bedlam. Mom wired the lamps to the tables.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Three boys indoors all winter, wrestling each other to the floor, playing ball in the house, Nikki shrieking after us.” Jake hiked ahead as the path leveled off. “Yeah, I’d like a bunch of kids. Think how much fun it would be to raise kids on a sailboat.”
“There’s a cure for boredom—trying to keep them all from falling overboard.”
Her mind clouded with small faces of children Jake would have someday, and she clunked into Jake’s back. “Could you tell me when you’re stopping?”
“Look.” He pointed. “The Ohio River.”
She squinted at the wisp of water snaking between the trees. “That’s it?”
“The river is at least a half mile away and three hundred feet below us. We’ll stop in Madison for lunch on the way home so you can see it up close.”
She gazed at the green water slashing Indiana from Kentucky. In two days, water would slash her from Jake. January First.
“Rae….” Jake watched Rachel’s profile as she stared at the Ohio River.
He cracked his knuckles in his gloves. He wished he had a better read on her, but she’d been preoccupied—probably with her folks—all week. He sucked in a breath. This was the woman he wanted to wake up next to for the rest of his life.
“Hmm?” She dragged her eyes away from the river to meet his.
He took her hands and stared at the fingers of his gloves clasping her mittens. He met her eyes.
“I’m serious—this time.” He shed a glove, dug Grams’ ring out of his jeans and held it between two fingers.
Tepid sun bathed the rectangular diamond in its antique setting.
He tried to gauge Rachel’s reaction as she eyed the ring, but her expression seemed frozen in shock.
“It was my grandmother’s ring. Gramps gave it to me.” He tightened his grip on her mittened fingers. “Marry me. Let’s have those kids. We can sail together the rest of our lives.”
Love me.
“No.”
A punch to the gut. “What?”
“How can I say I’ll marry you when my parents are about to divorce? My life is a mess. I cried myself to sleep last night.”
His jaw clenched. “Why didn’t you come and get me if you were upset? I thought we were closer than that. At least you could have said something about it this morning.”
A cold wind blew against his face. He stared at two barges the size of micro cars inching past each other on the watery green path. For a moment, it seemed as though they rendezvoused—but they traveled on, chugging in opposite directions.
“What does your parents’ marriage have to do with us?”
“I don’t want to talk about it now.” Rachel pulled her hand out of his grasp.
He reached up and pulled her chin toward him. His thumb brushed away a tear. “Rae, look at me.”
Wet eyes peered back.
“I know how you feel about kids. Why won’t you let me give you what you want?”
“I’m your second choice.”
His hand fell limp at his side. “There’s nothing I can do about that. I wish I’d met you before Gabrielle, but I didn’t.”
Jake stood, planted in the dead leaves as she hiked away. She was being ridiculous. How many people made it to twenty-eight without falling in love, or believing they were in love? What about her feelings for Bret? Hadn’t she loved him, or thought she did?
He fisted the ring and shoved it into his pocket.
Rachel glanced over her shoulder. Jake hadn’t moved from the spot overlooking the Ohio River where he’d proposed. She marched along the trail, each step confirming she’d made the right choice.
He wasn’t going to come after her to convince her to change her mind. He’d never said he loved her. A shared desire for children and sailing would only give her a marriage like her parents’.
Hot tears trailed down her face. Last night she’d ached for the comfort of Jake’s arms when she cried. Now, she needed him again.
His footsteps sounded behind her.
It would be so easy to step into his arms and cry it out. But that privilege was one in a thousand she’d just turned down.
Jake kicked the leaves as he hiked beside Rachel. Every so often, he watched her unsheathe a hand from her mitten and palm the tears from her cheeks.
She stumbled for what seemed like the tenth time since they’d started down the rocky slope.
He caught her arm. “I dragged you out here. You’re tired. Let me give you a hand.”
She stared at him while a bird who had forgotten to fly south chirped. She opened her hand, and he grabbed hold.
She tripped and clenched his fingers, her need oozing primal salve onto his beat-up ego. It wasn’t like Rachel to show weakness. Maybe her emotions were affecting her body, but at least she needed him on one level.
Her chin lifted toward the sweep of the trail out of the canyon. She groaned, broke free, heading for a limestone slab.
“No resting.” He caught her bicep and turned her toward the trail. “I’ll never get you moving again.” A hand at the small of her back, he propelled her along the path as they plodded upward. “Concentrate on lunch. The parking lot is at the top of this hill.”
“A happy thought.”
The only one.
Why had he ever thought marrying a woman with status would make a difference in his life? What he needed, couldn’t live without, was the woman he loved. He couldn’t picture a future without Rachel working by his side, spurring him to become the best version of himself.
He glanced at her. Tears glistened in her eyes, deepening the brown. Delicate freckles dusted the bridge of her nose and the tops of her cheeks. Dark curls spilled around a pink headband. She was easily the most beautiful woman he’d ever kissed.
The thrust of Rachel’s no nicked him again, piercing deeper this time. Third strike. He squared his shoulders. But the game wasn’t over yet.
Rachel stood in front of security at the Indianapolis Airport shifting from one foot to the other while Nikki hugged Jake good-bye. “Thanks for everything,” she said to the family. She injected energy she didn’t feel into the words. “I had a great time.” At least the words were true. It wasn’t anybody’s fault but her own that she’d rejected Jake’s real proposal.
Nikki tugged Jake down and kissed his head, then reached for Rachel and pulled her into a hug. “I hope I get to keep you for a sister.”
Rachel shot Jake a helpless look over Nikki’s shoulder.
His sister stood on tip-toe and kissed Rachel’s temple.
Rachel hugged her a second time. Who could not fall in love with Nikki? “Why do you guys go around kissing each other’s heads all the time?”
Nikki laughed, the sound of air wafting through a wind chime. “It’s our family secret code for I love you.”
Rachel’s stomach went queasy, and her eyes flicked to Jake’s. You love me? You’ve been telling me you loved me all this time?
Jake’s gaze bore into her, his eyes narrowing in challenge.
Oh.
Chapter 29
Rachel stared through the windshield of her empty car at a swaying palm in the marina parking lot. The bile of telling Jake she was quitting rose in her throat. She swallowed. Just because Jake believed he loved her didn’t mean he wasn’t rebounding. An educated guess said Jake couldn’t say the words because he was still attached to Gabrielle.
When she’d pelted Daddy with questions after she got home from the airport last night, he’d said, “Ask your mother. It’s all up to her.”
Rachel had been relieved to find Mama still camped out in the storage room until she relayed Dad’s comment.
“Your father said that? Fine. Just fine. We’ll get divorced, then.” Mama had stormed out the door, slamming it so hard, the glassware rattled in the boxes stacked in the corner.
Rachel took a shuddering breath and stepped out of the car onto the asphalt of the marina parking space.
Squaring her chin, she pushed open the pier gate. Her tennis shoes squeaked a rhythm across the boards as they had a hundred times before. She clutched her keys in her sweatshirt pocket against the familiar fear of dropping them through a crack into the murky Intracoastal.
Jake sat back on his heels and squinted into the sun at Rachel as she halted opposite him on the finger pier. Aqua paint dripped from the brush in his hand. He’d painted the deck-level stripe around the hull from the bow to the cockpit.
She met his eyes, gazed at the condos dotting Bouchelle Island beyond his shoulder and back at him. “Jake, I...” She mashed her folded arms into her waist. “I’m quitting.”
The color drained from his face. He laid the brush across the top of the paint can and stood, wiping aqua onto the already splotched paint rag.
“What are you talking about?”
“You asked me to wait till January to quit. It’s New Year’s Day.”
Tattered Innocence Page 22