“Oh,” I say. “What’s up? Is it Laura?”
“No – no news there,” Jay says.
There’s silence for a few seconds that feels like it lasts forever. I should tell him about the tutoring – that I just saw Laura.
“What is it?” I ask instead. “Did you just call to talk?”
“No, not exactly.” He pauses and I can hear his breath. “It’s the anniversary of the accident.”
“Your parents?” I ask. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s fine. But I have a favor to ask.”
“Sure,” I say.
“My case worker knows what today is so she’s giving me three hours this evening to go out if I want. I wasn’t going to use it. I wanted to pretend it was just another day, but, well, it’s not exactly working.”
“So you’re asking me to meet you?”
He pauses. “I guess so.”
“Okay,” I say. “When?”
“Now? I have from six ‘til nine. Already missed the first hour.”
“I’ll be there.” I stare at the phone after we hang up. My parents will be expecting me home for dinner. I’m already on thin ice with them. There’s no reason I have to do this for Jay. Just that I want to – for reasons I’m not even sure I know.
I scribble out a note to my parents saying I went to Melody’s and will be back by 9:00, ignoring the knot in the bottom of my stomach. My parents wouldn’t understand. To them, he’s just the kid who burnt down our house. A delinquent. They don’t see that in some ways, he’s just like me. Trying to start over.
****
Jay is waiting for me in the entryway, so I don’t bother parking. I lean over and push open the passenger door.
“I don’t have to sign you out or something?” I ask.
“Nope,” he says, getting in the car. “I’m a level one now. I get more privileges for good behavior.”
“Seriously? They have a rating system?”
“Not officially, but yeah.”
“So if someone wanted to escape, they could just act good for a few weeks until they can leave on their own?”
“Technically. But they do psychological assessments too. They have a pretty good idea of who might be a repeat offender, and who might try to run.”
I glance in my rearview mirror toward the building. “What’s it like in there?” I ask.
Jay shrugs. “Pretty much like a jail but with rooms instead of cells. And school. And a lot more programs and counselors, I think. But I don’t know, I’ve never been to a real jail.”
“So you’re not actually locked up?”
“Well, they lock our rooms at night. And there are some people in isolation. They’re locked up all the time until they get out of isolation.”
“What do they have to do to get in isolation?”
“If their charge was more serious, like murder or assault, sometimes they go in there right away. Or if someone lashes out at a guard or counselor, they usually get put there too.”
I take my foot off the gas pedal and coast slowly down the hill. There’s not much traffic out here and the quiet is almost eerie. “Have you gotten hurt?”
“Not here. But in the group home I got punched in the face once trying to break up a fight. Never tried that again.”
I reach my hand up to the side of my face. “Was it bad?”
He shrugs. “The black eye only lasted a day or so.”
I nod. Mine only lasted a few days too. I remember being almost disappointed when it was gone because then it was hard to believe I didn’t just imagine it. “So has anybody ever run off when they were on a day pass?”
“Not often. If they think you might run, you get a tracking device when you go on day pass.”
“But not you?”
He shrugs. “Like I said, good behavior.”
“Or some serious butt-kissing.”
Jay laughs. “Not true. I’m just a good person.”
“Who happens to burn down houses every now and then,” I say, shooting him a sidelong glance. I meant it to be a joke, but his face goes white.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
I make another turn with my mom’s car. I still haven’t asked Jay where we’re going. I’m not sure it matters. “You know I forgive you. It was an accident.”
“Maybe. But I could have prevented it. I was so angry when I went there. Part of me wanted to see it burn.”
I shake my head. “Maybe in your head, but you didn’t actually want it to happen.”
“No. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
I come to a stop sign and can’t decide which way to go next. No one’s behind me, so I wait. Jay spins the pink and green bracelet around his wrist. I don’t think he notices we’re not moving. “I talked to your sister today,” I say.
“What? How?”
“I found out she’s part of the tutoring program the school does so I signed up. I went there after school today. I needed to see if I could help.”
“You told her you know me?”
“Yeah. I told her not to tell her foster mom.”
Jay runs his hands over his legs. “Why are you so willing to help?”
“I don’t know,” I say. For a second I think I could tell him about Wes and everything that happened. How much I understand what Laura is going through.
I can imagine how relieved I’d feel to get it all out. But I can’t control how he’ll feel about me afterwards. If he’ll think I’m weak for putting up with it for so long and taking all that crap afterwards. For not standing up for myself and reporting him. Letting everyone know what a jerk he was.
A car horn blasts behind us, and we both jump. I step on the gas and make a right. “I just want to help,” I say. I blink away a tear, thankful for the darkness.
I keep driving until the opening by the lake comes into sight. I took a few wrong turns, but still managed to find it without asking Jay. “I’m sorry,” I say, putting the car into park. “I should have asked where you wanted to go. You probably want dinner or something.”
We’re the only ones out here again, yet in the dark it feels different. My stomach rumbles and fills the silence. Someone could be attacked out here and no one would hear.
“This is perfect,” Jay says. “We can get pizza or something after. Have you eaten?”
“No,” I say. I switch off the headlights, wondering what we’re supposed to do. It was stupid to come here. He might get the wrong idea and expect something from me. But we’re just friends, right? Helping each other out. Only he doesn’t know he’s helping me.
“My parents decided they’re going to rebuild,” I say, after another few seconds of silence.
“That’s cool,” Jay says.
“Yeah, it is.” But I think it’s kind of sad Jay and Laura’s house is going to be replaced for good. “Do you want to talk about it? Your parents, I mean?”
“Not really. I’d rather just try to forget.”
I nod, relieved. I know I wouldn’t find the right words if he did. The silence creeps in again, but this time Jay breaks it.
“Want to sit by the water?”
We walk to the edge of the lake, and I prop myself against a rock half the size of me. Jay leans next to me and brushes against my arm. Even through my sweater I can feel the hairs on my arm stand up. I move away, just the slightest bit.
“So what should I do about Laura?” I ask. “You know, with the tutoring? How can I help?”
“Get her to trust you.”
“Then what?”
“We get her out of there,” Jay says, lowering his voice. “If I keep up the good behavior, I might get out next month on parole.”
I swallow. “What are we going to do? Kidnap her?”
“No,” Jay says. “We’re going to rescue her.”
I run my hand over the smooth rock beside me. “I don’t know, Jay. You don’t think you’ll be the first person they suspect?”
“Probably. But I don’t plan on being around fo
r them to find me.”
“What about my parents? I still think they could help us if we told them.”
He shakes his head. “I told you, parents mean police. And police just mean another foster home at best. Laura can’t go through that again. We need to be together.”
“But what about me? What if they find out I helped you?”
“They won’t,” he says. He glances over at me. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I can do it on my own.”
I look down at my hands. “No, I want to help,” I say. “Just don’t tell me your plan until I have to know. I don’t want to accidentally spill something to someone.” Actually, I’m afraid I’ll change my mind if I hear all the details and have too long to think about it.
“Deal,” he says. “We won’t talk about the plan.”
I push myself off the rock. “So, this is your time out. What do you want to do?”
Jay looks toward the water, smiling big. “Go skinny-dipping?”
“Not happening. The water is probably freezing.”
Jay grins. “Didn’t think so, but it was worth a shot.”
My face starts to burn, but I don’t think he can tell in the moonlight. Was he just flirting with me? Or was that just a guy thing? He’d probably want to go skinny-dipping with any girl who was willing. “What else then?”
“Will you dance for me?”
I raise my eyebrows. “What kind of dancing?”
Jay laughs. “Not that kind. The kind you used to do. You know, before you stopped?”
“I can’t,” I say. “I don’t have the right shoes. Or music.”
“Aren’t dancers supposed to ‘feel the music in their hearts’ or something?”
I smile. “Maybe. But I still can’t. I’d look stupid. I haven’t done it in a long time.” I remember the day I quit – the way Julie looked at me like she felt sorry for me. I try not to think about the fact that I let Wes take away two of the things I loved most.
“I’m sure you’d look beautiful.”
The way he says it, so softly, catches me off guard. He steps toward me and meets my eyes. “Can I ask you something?”
“You just did.”
He smiles. “Something else?”
“Sure, why not?”
“What happened to your eyebrows?”
I flatten my bangs over my forehead and stare at the ground. “What do you mean?”
“Your eyebrows. Why do you draw them on?”
“They don’t grow,” I say.
“Oh.” Jay sits back on the rock and stares out at the water. I follow his gaze.
“I mean, I pull them. Before they can grow.”
Jay nods. “I bite my nails. Sometimes until they bleed.” He shows me his hand. All his nails are chewed down to the quick. Scabs have formed at the end of each of his fingers.
“That’s gross,” I say, but I’m smiling. He rests his hand on my knee, and I stare at it. The heat from it warms my body.
“Why do you bother drawing them on? I think you’d look better without them.”
“Trust me, I don’t.”
“Prove it.” Jay stands up and grabs my hand.
I laugh, nervously. “What are you doing?”
He pulls me closer to the water and dips his hand in. “Hold still.” He brings his thumb up to my face and holds the back of my head with his other hand. Ever so gently, he rubs the line above my eye.
I feel exposed, naked, but I don’t move an inch. The water from his hand drips down my face like tears. He repeats his movements on the other side, and I try not to breathe. His face is close – too close. I wait for him to finish, but when he does, I wish he hadn’t.
“There,” he says. “Perfect.”
His breath is on my forehead. Our bodies have been this close before – in the tube when our arms were touching, and at juvie when we said goodbye and I almost hugged him. But it’s never felt like this. Like he’s drinking me in. Studying me. Seeing me in a way no one else ever has.
“It looks stupid,” I say. “I don’t know why I can’t just let them grow.”
“I like it. It looks better than those lines you draw on. You look real. Beautiful.”
My face reddens, but I force myself not to turn away. I want to be the girl he’s seeing now. The one I felt like before Wes. I meet his eyes.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
He reaches his hand up again to the place where my eyebrow should be. A place no one’s ever touched besides myself. It feels more intimate than it should. He runs his thumb along the arch and it sends shivers to my toes.
His touch is gentle. Soft. Even before Wes used to hurt me, when we first started dating, his touch always felt rough. He’d grab my hand, squeeze my arm, or rub my shoulders. But no one’s ever touched me lightly enough to make my skin feel electric. Until now.
I have to pull away to catch my breath. “I guess I could dance for you,” I say.
Jay smiles, and I blush again in the moonlight. The dark will help. Out here, where there’s no one but Jay and me, and the moon, I think I could dance again. Just this once.
I slip off my flats and walk to a grassy section on the other side of the rock, smoothing my feet over the surface to make sure no roots are sticking out. Jay slides up on the rock and waits. The grass is cool and damp on my feet, but it feels good, like the cold linoleum of the dance studio. I close my eyes and see Julie next to me. But then I keep them closed too long, and I see the other girls, laughing and whispering. I see Julie moving away, inch by inch until she disappears into the darkness.
My eyes fly open. Jay is still on the rock, waiting patiently. I take a deep breath and concentrate on him like my instructor used to tell us to do before a big competition. We were supposed to pick out our family members and dance only for them. Forget the judges are there. Forget the crowd. Dance for that one person who will love you even if you fall flat on your face.
I take a step forward, but I don’t know where to start. The dances I used to know all fall from my memory. Then, I hear something. A soft, low hum at first. But then it gets louder.
Jay is humming a song I can’t quite make out. I listen closely until I catch it. “Hey Jude.” My dad used to listen to that song on repeat in the car when I was younger. It was his favorite. I haven’t heard it in years, but it makes me smile. Jay starts singing some of the words in between his humming. It’s off-key and most of the words are wrong, but when I close my eyes again I can hear the melody, soft and flowing.
It’s not the best song to dance to, but it works all the same. My body moves before I can think about it. My limbs remember the steps I thought I’d forgotten. I’m lost in the melody and Jay’s voice. The crickets join in from the distance, and to anyone else, the entire thing probably sounds awful, but to my ears, it’s perfect. When I finally stop and wait for my eyes to focus on Jay again, he’s clapping. A long, slow clap that would be embarrassing if it wasn’t just us. Here. Alone.
“That was amazing,” he says. “Where did you learn to do all that?”
“Lots of classes. You’re not so bad yourself. At singing, I mean.”
He laughs. “I need some classes. Lots of them.”
“I thought it was perfect.” I walk toward him. He reaches for my hand and I let him pull me up on the rock beside him. His arm curls around me and I sink into it before I can stop myself. The crickets are still singing, surrounding us with their own song. I stare out at the space in the water where the moon reflects off it – the golden glow rippling through the darkness.
“We could go in,” I say. “Just to our knees.”
Jay nods and follows me when I hop off the rock. I don’t know why, but the dancing made me feel confident. Alive. I roll up my pants and wade into the water before he even gets there. He watches me from the shore, smiling.
“Hey!” he says when I splash him with water, soaking half his shirt. The water’s cold and I should be shivering, but instead I walk further into it, letting
my feet go numb.
Jay peels off his wet shirt and I try not to stare. I shouldn’t feel safe out here in the dark, and especially not with Jay, a juvenile delinquent who burned down my house and is planning to abduct his sister. But I do. I feel safer than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
He wades toward me and I stop, the top of my pant legs soaked. I’m not sure what I expect him to do when he reaches me. But I don’t expect his lips on mine. I don’t expect to kiss him back. His hand is on the back of my head tangled in my hair. I can’t get close enough. The night fades away until all that’s left is us, and this feeling. This moment I don’t want to end.
And then it does. He pulls away, apart. We stare at each other, not sure what just happened.
I wait for my heart beat to slow. To catch my breath. The crickets’ song returns and the rest of the world comes into focus. I back up slowly, scared to lose the moment, but not sure how to keep it.
“It’s late,” Jay says. “I have to get back before curfew.”
Curfew. Juvie. My house. Laura. Everything comes rushing back. All the reasons why I should stay as far away from Jay as possible. All the reasons I can’t.
“Right. Let’s go,” I say, leading the way back to shore.
We don’t talk on the walk to the car. Does he regret it? Did it not feel as good for him as it did for me? I put the car in drive and pull out of the parking lot. Jay stares out the window. There’s so much I want to say, but none of it sounds right in my head.
When I pull into Richmond Center, Jay unclips his seatbelt and faces me. I hold my breath. I want him to kiss me again. I need to know it wasn’t a one-time thing.
But a security guard walks out the front entrance, taking a smoke break. He stops beside the car and almost coughs up a lung.
“Thanks for taking my mind off everything tonight,” Jay says when the guard is quiet again. He hesitates for a minute, and I know I should look at him – should smile and say it was my pleasure. But the words get caught in my mouth and I’m scared if I do look at him and he doesn’t kiss me again, that would make it worse. So I smile and nod at the windshield until his door opens and he’s gone.
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