by Jayne Blue
“Good. Shit. That’s great.”
“Yep. We’re going public within the next twenty-four hours. The investigator down in Nevada thinks he’s got a lock on the thugs that came after your Stella off what the bad Stella had to say. It’s all falling into place, Mitch. This one’s a career maker.”
I felt numb. Glad, yes. It was everything I wanted. Stella could have her life back. But it was a life she wanted to live without me. The worst part about it? I knew she was right. Not about Brian. God, I was a coward not to have stopped her. She didn’t know I was the one with the best chance to stop him from getting into trouble that night. Not her. And she’d been right. Brian had still been fucking around on her. So yeah. I was the coward. I was the one who should have said something long before she had to end it. I could have forced the issue and made Brian come clean. None of this was on her. Not a second of it. I wanted to tell her, but letting her go seemed the best. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve to have to live her life waiting for another fucking nightmare to hit. An accountant, an insurance salesman, a banker. That’s what she needed. Not me. Not someone broken.
A shadow moved across the door. I looked up and Stan walked into the room. He tilted his head toward Caulkins and gave me a half smile that didn’t reach his eyes. I didn’t like that look. Something was wrong. I struggled to sit higher on the bed and cursed when pain shot across my chest from my broken rib.
“Easy,” Stan said. “You’re better off taking this one lying down.”
Never one to beat around the bush, Stan came to the foot of my bed and gripped the board. “Glad you’re here, Caulkins. This halfway concerns you too. I want you to head down to IA when we’re done. With Mitch being in the condition he’s in, they wanted to start the interviews with you.”
“IA?” Caulkins and I said it together.
Stan nodded. “Look, I’m not supposed to be here. I could actually lose my job over it. Sometimes though, it’s a risk worth taking. I wanted you to hear all of this from me.”
“Mitch’s fine, Stan. I’m fine. The whole team is fine. It got pretty sideways on that warrant last night. Thanks for asking.”
Stan shot him a look. “Listen, there’s press outside. The lobby’s in chaos.”
I nodded. “I figured. Larry Edwards is gonna be front-page news and all over the crawls for days. I don’t envy the chief over there.”
Stan barked out a bitter laugh. “Yeah. That too. It’s gonna be a fucked-up few weeks for Michigan law enforcement. But Edwards isn’t why I’m here. This one’s about you, Mitch.”
My blood ran cold. “What are you talking about?”
“Look. This is a process. What I need for you is to calm down and let it play out. Like I said, me being here is probably one of the stupider things I’ve done. I had Chapman call the union for you. There’s a rep on his way.”
“Stan? Goddammit, what?”
Stan let out a breath. “There’s a cell phone video. Edwards had a neighbor. He started recording when you had your dustup with that Russian. Fucker’s as mobbed up as they come. He’s not saying much right now on account of he’s still mostly unconscious and doesn’t speak English except for the word motherfucker. He seems to like that one a lot.”
“You’re rambling, Stan,” Caulkins said. “What’s on this video?”
“It looks bad, okay? Mitch, it’s you, sitting on this guy’s chest and pounding his face into a pulp with your fists and the whole time he’s not moving.”
“Yeah? Cuz two seconds before that he tried to put a hammer through my skull. Jesus, Stan, look where I am.”
Stan put a hand up and made a downward motion. “Calm down. I get it. Okay? And like I said, there’s a process. And sure, this shitbag neighbor probably didn’t start recording until you got the upper hand, or he edited out the rest. But he put it on social media and you know how that shit takes off. Right now, they’re calling for your head on a spike. And look, I really don’t even want to tell you this, but Judge Pierce ran with it, okay? He gave an interview to the press and pretty much described his version of what went down at his courthouse. It’s bad. It might be fixable, but right now it’s bad. And what I need is for you to lay low and let this get handled.”
“You’ve got to be shitting me.”
“Stan, I don’t know about this judge, but there were twenty other officers on that call today. This is bogus and you know it,” Caulkins said.
“I do. Believe me. But this shit spreads like wildfire. It’s gonna take us a day or so to douse it. In the meantime, I’ve got no choice. I’ve got to put you on administrative suspension. I can’t put a lid on it this time. There’s going to be an inquiry. You know the drill, Mitch.”
I slammed my head back against the pillow. “This is bullshit and you know it.”
“I do. And we’ll get to that. For now? You stay put, don’t talk to the press. Don’t talk to anybody but your rep and maybe your shrink.”
“No problem. I have no intention of sticking my face in front of any cameras, Stan.”
A look passed between Stan and Caulkins that I didn’t like one bit. Stan nodded and came around to the side of the bed. “That means no press, Mitch. None. Three days from now, we’ve got a full court of the local guys showing up at the fallen officer’s memorial. You and the rest of your academy class were supposed to be up there on the dais with me. That can’t happen now. I don’t want you anywhere near the place. Feel me? Stay home. Stay here. Whatever.”
I tasted blood where I bit the inside of my mouth.
“Stan,” Caulkins said. “You can’t be serious.”
“As a fucking heart attack. You bet your ass. You’re banned, Mitch. And it kills me to say it, but it’s for your own good. They know, okay? Sheldon Fucking Pierce made it so press knows about your recent history. Now, I’m hoping I can stuff these worms back in the can, but I for sure can’t do it if your busted mug shows up in front of a bank of cameras at the memorial. So, are we clear?”
I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. “Yeah. We’re fucking clear, Stan. Whatever you say.”
He gave me a grim nod and headed out of the room.
Caulkins had his hand on my arm. “Just sit tight. This is all gonna blow over. You know how this goes. You’re a good cop. Just do what Stan says for the time being.”
I looked toward the window. Rage spread through me, setting my blood on fire. I clenched my good fist and tried to tamp it down.
“He’s going to find a way to ruin me over this,” I said, barely recognizing the sound of my own voice.
“Who? Stan? Of course he won’t. He’s a stand-up guy. He’ll turn in his own badge before they let ’em take you down over this bogus bullshit.”
“Not Stan. Pierce. This plays right into his hands. He’s got powerful political friends. Trust me, I’ve known Stan a long time. He’s that worried or he wouldn’t have risked coming here himself.”
“You worry too much, man. I’m serious.”
“They can’t keep me away from Brian’s memorial. It’ll look worse if I don’t go. Not to the press. Fuck them. But to the guys we graduated with. To my brothers.”
“Fine. So go in plain clothes and put on a pair of dark shades. Stan can’t really ban you from the thing. It’s a free country. Hell, I’ll go with you.”
“Thanks, man.” I finally looked away from the window and at Caulkins. “You know for a desk jockey, you’re not half bad. I take back all the shitty things I ever said about you.”
He laughed and patted my shoulder. “Good. But I’m not taking back a single shitty thing I said about you.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Mitch
When my doorbell rang, my heart lifted a little. I’d been home for three days and no word from Stella. I didn’t expect it. Hell, it made it easier that she hadn’t called. It had taken everything in me not to call her. But she’d done the brave thing, the smart thing, by ending things right there at the hospital. I never should have put her
in the position to have to.
The aching in my ribs competed with the searing heat shooting down my left shoulder as I made it to the door and opened it.
“I hope you don’t think I’m paying for this,” I said. Ken Bardwell stood with his back to me. He turned and smiled as the door swung wide.
“Hey, you should be impressed. I don’t do house calls.”
“Great. Except for the lucky assholes you think are in the worst amount of trouble.”
“More true than you know, my friend. Now don’t be an even bigger asshole. Invite me in.”
“You part vampire?”
“Nope. Just your favorite bloodsucker.”
“I thought that’s just what I call my lawyer.”
I stepped back and Ken walked into the foyer. He looked me up and down and whistled. “Shit. You’re even uglier than I remembered.”
“To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“You owe me one more session, remember?”
I would have laughed if I knew it wouldn’t hurt like hell.
“I thought I could make a clean getaway.”
Ken snorted and we walked back to the kitchen. I would have offered him a beer but it was too early in the day. “How’s business?”
Ken shrugged. “A lot more boring now that you’re not in my life. You’ve turned into my most famous client.”
We sat at the kitchen table. I started to reconsider getting a damn drink.
“Seriously,” he said. “Why haven’t you checked in with me?”
I shook my head. “Things have been a little hectic.”
“Yep. And that’s exactly when you should be calling me. You want to tell me what really happened on that warrant? Therapist-client privilege. It goes nowhere.”
I huffed out a laugh. “What, you didn’t catch it on social media like the rest of the assholes in this town?”
“Come on, Mitch.”
“Maybe it’s not such a good idea for you to be here. If I have to sue the city to keep my job, I’ll have to sign a waiver on all that doctor-patient privilege.”
“What, you afraid I’m going to tell them all you’re a bad cop?”
“Are you?”
Ken sat back in his chair. “Mitch, knock it off. I’ve got eyes. Looks to me like you’re lucky to be alive. What the hell did he hit you with? You look like you’ve been pistol whipped. Did he get your own piece off you?”
I shook my head. “A hammer.”
“Sheeeit. Well, it looks like you managed to duck in time.”
“Have you already talked to Stan?” I wanted to cut the shit. I had a pretty good idea that although Ken liked me and I probably was his most interesting patient, Stan sent him here. The time was too coincidental. I looked at the wall clock. The memorial started in less than an hour. I had just been ready to try and put on a suit before Ken got here. His silence was all the answer I needed.
“He might have reached out. But it’s not what you think.”
I raised a brow. “It’s not. Let me guess. He wants you to sit on me so I don’t do something stupid like show up at my best friend’s memorial in front of all the press and the local judiciary. Is he afraid I’d really get in Judge Pierce’s face?”
Ken’s mouth curled into a smirk. “Well gee, Mitch. What in the hell would give Stan that kind of an idea? And don’t bullshit me. I saw your suit hanging on the banister in the hallway.”
I pounded my fist against the table. “He can’t keep me from going. He can only keep me from standing on the dais with him. Which is fine by me. I never wanted to be up there anyway.”
“Yep,” Ken said. “That’s pretty much what he thought you’d say. So you need help getting that shirt on? I can help you with the buttons as long as that doesn’t mean we’re dating.”
I laughed. “I’m way too pretty for you.”
“Ha! Have you seen you in a mirror lately?”
I flipped him off. Then we grew quiet. I rubbed a hand over my brow. “I appreciate it, okay? I’ve figured out you’re not a complete asshole. So yeah. Thanks.”
“You’re going to make me blush. Now how about we cut the shit. Tell me how you’re really doing.”
I let out a breath and pushed my chair away from the table. I looked out the back door at the water. It used to bring me peace. Lately, all I could see was Stella. Her long blonde hair waving in the breeze as she walked barefoot to the shoreline. Sliding my arms around her waist and pulling her against my chest. Making love to her under the moonlight and waking up to her every morning. Air left my lungs and I felt her absence again like physical weight on my chest.
“I haven’t been completely honest with you,” I said.
Ken tapped his ring against the table. “And that wouldn’t make you the first. Let me guess, things have been somewhat heated with Stella Terry.”
I shook my head and laughed. “You know, you’re annoying as fuck with that.”
“And you’re transparent as fuck. So tell me, are you in love with her?”
I looked at him. “You tell me. That is, if I’m so transparent.”
Ken nodded. “How long have you been in love with her?”
I froze and closed my eyes. I let out a breath hard enough that it hurt. I opened my eyes again. “I think since always, at least in one way or another. Ever since I saw her. Hell, it’s been fifteen years just about. Before she even met Brian. But our timing was never right. That was during my manwhore, player days. Shit, she saw right through that and wisely chose to stay away. Then I introduced her to Brian and that was it.”
“Hmm. And Brian didn’t deserve her.”
His words hit me right in the gut. I choked on them. Then I looked him square in the eye. “None of us are perfect.”
Ken cocked his head. “Nope. And Brian never got the chance to be better.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. She’s gone. She wised up. Seeing me in a hospital bed scared the shit out of her. Ken, I never want to see that look in her eyes again. I never want to be the cause of that look in her eyes. She deserves better.”
“Yep. They always do. Took me a damn long time to figure that out. I told you. Three divorces. But you know, you won’t always be a cop.”
“Right. And there’s probably better than a fifty-fifty chance I won’t be after this trumped-up investigation brought on by a butt-hurt, bleeding-heart judge. That’s what we tell ourselves though, isn’t it? If I asked you, gun to your head, what are you? You really believe psychologist is the first thing you’d say?”
Ken put his palms up in surrender. “Well, yeah. That’s the bitch of it, isn’t it? So let me ask you another question. What do you want?”
“To win the lottery.”
“I’m serious. Tell me. What do you want out of your life? Are you content with the way things are? Because I don’t think you are. And I’d love to sit here and say it’s been my glorious skills as a therapist that have been making you happy over the last few months. For a while, I was kind of patting myself on the back that it was. But I think we both know better. As much as I worry you took things way too fast, Stella made you happy, didn’t she?”
A knife twisted in my gut. “It’s dangerous to be too happy.”
“Brother, you got that right. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep trying for it. Now, I don’t know if this girl is right for you. But you got a taste of how things can be better in your life. The trick now is going to be figuring out how to clear a path so you can have it again. Maybe not with this girl. Maybe you’re right. You’ve both got a lot of baggage tied up with a big red bow of misplaced guilt about what happened with Macavoy. Shit. Did she ever get grief counseling?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Well, she should. It sounds like she needs it. I could give you some names if you think she’ll listen. Whether she stays in your life or not, it sounds like she’s hurting just as much. And I’m telling you it can get better. But you already know that because you’ve felt it.
And now this shit sandwich landed in your lap on that last warrant. You’ve got a dickhead judge who’s got it out for you. But none of that has to touch you. It’s a temporary bump in the road. So don’t let it set you back to the way things were before. Don’t shut everybody out, Mitch. You ought to know by now it wasn’t working for you.”
I ran a hand over my jaw. “You know, you’re a real pain in the ass.”
“Yep. And that’s just your lovely way of saying you know I’m right. I’ll take it. Now, are we going to this shindig or not? If I leave, you’re going to go anyway. So do something bold. Take somebody’s help when they offer it. And I’m offering it. You can get through the day and it’s going to be all right.”
Ken stood up. He went into the hallway and came back with my suit. “Come on, man. You’re going to be late. In a way, this whole thing is perfect. Closure.”
“Fuck, closure.”
Ken laughed. “Yeah. I don’t buy that bullshit either. But you can use this as a new start. Say goodbye to Brian. You deserve to. So does she. You think you’re brave enough to try?”
I pressed my thumb against my forehead hard. Dammit, this hurt. And it was going to hurt even worse before the day was over, I imagined. But Ken was right. Once and for all, it was time to say goodbye.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Stella
“You sure you don’t want me to come with you? You look like you could use a friend.”